So, let me say right up front that I believe my mother and my uncle have a highly dysfunctional relationship with my grandmother. They both carry years of resentment over perceived grievances throughout their lives. And it affects the way they treat my grandmother – my mom with her lack of urgency and unwillingness to inconvenience herself, and my uncle with his volatile outbursts and blaming her for everything that’s ever gone wrong in his life. Truthfully, my grandmother’s past manipulation has earned a certain amount of this. But she has dementia now and the lines between reality and the stories she has twisted throughout the years are blurred at best. My feeling is that if confrontation was going to happen, it should have been when she was able to defend herself – not now when she’s becoming increasingly dependent and vulnerable.
So here’s the problem. My uncle’s ex-girlfriend was helping us choose an in-home care agency since she’s worked in the field for a very long time and has insight that was enormously helpful to us. She pulled me aside and told me that she has grave concerns over my grandmother’s emotional and financial safety as it pertains to my uncle. He lives in Gramma’s home and has taken over Gramma’s bill paying. The Ex told me that she witnessed frequent verbal abuse of my grandmother during the time she and my uncle were together. She tried to act as peacemaker and also encouraged Gramma to kick my uncle out of her home. But Gramma always blamed his tirades on depression and the “wrongs” he’d experienced in his life (divorces, disappointments, broken dreams, blah, blah, blah). That he was verbally ugly toward Gramma came as no surprise – I saw it numerous times when I was younger - but the intensity of what I can only call verbal assaults given the Ex’s descriptions and Gramma’s obvious fear was new to me. My dad also saw it recently and said my uncle clearly crossed the line with the way he was screaming and cussing at her. He’s a big man, and she’s a tiny old lady. My dad said you could see how scared she was and how confused it made her. Luckily my dad was able to intervene and send my uncle outside. He’s a big man, too. But what happens when no one else is there?
The Ex broke up when the verbal abuse began to include her, and she felt at that time that it wasn’t her place to interfere with the family dynamic. But given our new dementia diagnosis and knowing that elder abuse is a much higher risk with dementia patients, she felt she needed to tell someone. Her belief is that it’s probably happening daily. She also said that my uncle has carried a debit card for Gramma’s account with him for years, and that he would use it to take her and her kids out to dinner, buy all of his gas, clothes, etc. He does work a full time job and makes good money, but he’d rather use hers.
I can’t ignore this. I also can’t confront him without knowing for certain what is really happening. My sisters (living out of state) are urging me to plant a granny-cam in her house. I’m pretty certain that is illegal, but short of hiding in the closet, I don’t know how else to get to the truth. And if I do get evidence, what the heck do I do with it? Illegal evidence isn’t admissible. Bottom line, though, if he’s abusing Gramma it needs to stop. He should not be allowed to continue holding POA - which he shares with my mom - he shouldn’t be allowed to be alone with Gramma, and he should not have access to her accounts. I don’t care about what happens after she dies. What he inherits, which is half of the assets to the best of my knowledge, is not my concern. My grandfather and grandmother made that decision long ago, and I respect their wishes. But I can’t allow abuse to continue, if indeed it is occurring. My mom, I think, would be happy to pretend she doesn’t know about it. She told me that if I take action and it causes my uncle to be removed from the home, Gramma will die. But is it better to leave her in a situation where she is being abused? I just can’t believe that.
What do you think? Has anyone gone through this before? Any great bits of advice or experience to share?
IF YOU HEAR OF VERBAL OR PHYSICAL ABUSE YOU MUST REPORT IT!! In Texas you can file the report anonymously if you like. Regardless, when Adult Protective comes to speak with your Uncle and Gramma they will not use any names to avoid a possible escalation of the abuse. So call and report your Uncle. Please do this today. AND I would advise getting all of her assets put in a Trust with you as Trustee. That way all debits must be approved by you!!! Or talk to her bank about removing him from her accounts. I am a Financial Advisor and Elder Advocate and have seen this situation so many times. Rarely does it work out. If he makes a decent income why can’t he pick up the tab sometimes for his sweet Mother??? I will pray for your family and if you have any questions please feel free to contact me. 🙏
My uncle is 61. Regardless of the dynamics and history between them, he is responsible for how he behaves toward his mom. It's not my intention to render judgement on his reasons; rather, I'm saying that his actions are completely unacceptable. And to the point made by Countrymouse - he is fundamentally unsuited to the role of caregiver.
My mom - well, all I can say is that many of you pretty much nailed it. She enables my uncle because it's easier for her than taking action. And I have told her very straightforwardly that doing nothing is the same as abusing Gramma herself.
Some thoughts after reading your posts - and I can't tell you how incredibly valuable this discussion has been:
1. I need to consult with an elder care attorney. Will research and make an appointment today.
2. I am going to put the cameras in. Will order today.
3. Have advised my mother to demand a monthly financial review with my uncle where they can look at her regular account (the one my uncle monitors) and her investment account (the one my mom monitors). Will hound her until she does this.
4. Will discuss my concerns with the home health agency that we've brought in. I don't think they'll see any signs of abuse. If I'm correct, the abuse is verbal, emotional and financial. I do not think she's being physically abused, but it won't hurt to be extra vigilant.
5. I need to make my presence more of an issue in her home. I'm not in a position to become her caregiver myself. I already work about 65 hours per week. But I can make soup and other stuff she likes and bring it to her. If I pop in randomly on a frequent basis, I might just catch my uncle unawares and in the middle of something I can use as proof.
6. I did discuss with my mother my goal of trying to get POA away from my uncle. I also suggested that if we're successful, we also get a guardian appointed to administer her finances. Mom agreed.
Anything I'm missing?
So. First of all, think through how she is to be cared for and who by. You need to have a plan you can action, ideally one that removes uncle from her home without distressing grandma, which necessarily means without doing anything to him that she wouldn't like.
This is her son. She is going to want to continue to see him, and she is going to want to know that he is okay. Have him arrested, have him forcibly evicted, and you are going to upset her. Avoid it if possible by persuading him that there are better care options. Does the rest of the family have any sway with him?
Can she afford a trust co to handle her financial affairs?
I went through a full year of effort to stop my brother's abuse.
I first filled out the state's elder abuse report form online a year ago. After 2 months went by and I'd heard nothing, I called the state office and was told they closed the case without ever investigating. My brother lives only 20 minutes away, but is in another state, so they said they can't do anything because he's in another state and they don't cross state lines.
I thought that was an incredibly lame excuse, but, having been a federal employee myself, I know how unlikely it is for state, county and federal workers to ever lose their jobs (unless they're working for a political party and their party is voted out), hence, they don't have incentive to do their job. I gave up on them.
I got on some forums, found national agencies in other states, but got zero help.
I also called numerous attorneys, but most said they only deal with nursing home abuse. One said he could help, made a few calls, charged me $400 and then quit returning my calls and emails.
I even called my parents own attorney who called them in the NEXT day (with me) to find out what was going on. We talked for a while but Dad is mentally clueless now. He doesn't know where he is or wh, and gets angry if asked questions because he doesn't know the answer. Mom, otoh, won't get my brother in trouble... so they were silent. I provided some of the massive amt of proof I have, but the attorney really didn't know what to do with it. They made a conference call and someone suggested a restraining order. I'd already tried that. The city said they won't file one unless I file a police report first. So, I'd called police. Police said I have no written proof of threats to my parents' lives, so they wouldn't do anything either.
Then I found an agency within my city that deals with elder abuse. An attorney talked to me at length on the phone for several weeks before finally coming by one day with an associate to visit with my parents. I left so they wouldn't think that I was the actual abuser trying to get rid of others and so they wouldn't have to worry that either parent was unable to be truthful with me present.
I had recordings of the abuse (no hitting; just a lot of guilt, whining about money and how they're "owed" it, and complaining) which the officials refused to take. Later they called me and said there's nothing they can do. Neither parent said they were being abused. They saw no signs of violence or neglect.
And that was that.
My brother continues to beg, whine, cajole, get angry, cry, sob, get red in the face frustrated, and explain why our parents need to go back to paying all of his living expenses. He's worn Mom down multiple times, so a trust co took over the bills to alleviate that and so he can't blame ME since I had the checkbooks for a while after Mom had her stroke.