My Dad is 90. He has partial cognitive disorder - struggles with names and gets confused about things. For example, yesterday, he told me the car my mom used to drive (which is leased from a car dealer) "came with the independent living home" he lives in. Ok, so he was correct they don't own it, just had the owner wrong and a bit odd). That kind of level of disorder. He also beats himself up a lot about forgetting things.
He tries to write everything significant down (because of his bad memory). But I'm not sure his filter on what's significant is strict enough. He was married to my Mom, also 90, for 67 years. Mom died from stroke May 7, 2020. I'm calling my dad daily, and drive down there once every 4-5 days. I'm in Fort Myers, he is in Naples. I don't feel like my calls have any positive effect on his mood, which is understandably depressed. He gets tired after a while and wants to get off the phone. I have 3 siblings, and know they are also calling or Skyping. But they are spread out around the country and mostly can't visit now because of COVID-19. My sister is probably going to drive by car from Philadelphia in a couple of weeks, thank God because he'll let her clear out my mothers clothes from the double bed, something he didn't want me to do. Dad has the same caregiver 12 hours per day 6 days per week, who is a wonderful man. He has other care so 24 hours someone is there. He's not in any physical danger.
He uses a walker and has various aches and pains so marathon running is out of the question. He even has declined to go fishing with me in my boat, though I think once we got him into it, he could sit comfortably.
This is a guy who was once very smart, comes from a line of unversity professors. But he had virtually no hobbies. I ask what he plans for the day and he says he wants to work straightening out files in his office. I have been trying to dissuade him from that process, or streamlime if, or delegate this project, or just lock the office door and forget it, for years, with no success. He had a reasonably successful career, is not poor, and should be kicking back and enjoying the golden years. But he's full of remorse, anxiety, and above all this sense that he has things he "has to do." I remind him that he already did a lot in his life, doesn't "have" to do anything, and ask what he "wants to do," but I don't get through.
What more can I do for him?
That said, I'm not sure you're understanding either the grief process or how dementia presents itself. I wonder about you saying he has a 'partial cognitive disorder'.......? Dementia is what it is and is different ALL the time. He can have good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks. He can have days where he won't remember what he had for breakfast but can tell you who slighted him 50 years ago, down to the minute details. It's never the same disease on a day-to-day basis, that is the ONLY thing you can count on. Dementia brings with it a variety of anxiety related feelings.........like there's 'something he has to do' or 'something he's forgetting'.......which is frustrating b/c he won't be able to put his finger on exactly WHAT he's forgetting or WHAT needs doing. Just that there are 'papers that need his attention.' At 90, my father called me one day and said something to the effect that 'the papers were driving him crazy.' I drove over to his apartment and took them all away, letting him know that I'd be handling them from there on out. He felt better about 'the papers' in general, but would still ask about them from time to time. I had two accordion files full of his 'papers' and would remind him that they were safe and sound in my study at home. Just keep an eye and an ear out for your father's anxiety regarding 'straightening out the files in his office' is concerned. If/when he reaches the point where 'the papers are driving him crazy', then you'll know you need to step in and remove them. Take them home with you for safe keeping, etc. He'll need a POA appointed to take over the finances at some point, if it hasn't been arranged as yet.
As far as getting details mixed up about your mom's car, etc., that also goes with the territory where dementia is concerned. Things get muddled in their heads, so then they make up stories to support what they believe to be true. Know what I mean? So expect more of this behavior from your dad. Confabulation is common with dementia, as is mixing up facts and forgetting A LOT of things in general. Look out for him forgetting or not knowing what day of the week it is. That is VERY common, and something I'm constantly dealing with with my mother who's 93. She's continually asking what day it is, in spite of the fact that I bought her an Alzheimer's clock which states the day, date, and time of day in big bright letters.
Your father is grieving, and as such, isn't interested in going fishing or in developing a hobby as you would like him to do. Again, he's lost and confused.....partly from his brain deficit and partly from the huge loss of his wife. You really cannot expect him to do much of anything right now except to just 'be'. Let him alone. As long as he's eating and sleeping, he's good. If he stops doing either one, get him to the doctor to be seen for depression. "Kicking back" is something a person who's happy does. Not something a man who's trying his best to just FUNCTION every day can possibly do! I think you are just unrealistic in your expectations of him in general. Keep in close contact with his care givers to get their feedback on what's happening with him day to day. If they notice he's not eating or sleeping well, or not functioning in general, then he'll need to see his PCP for evaluation.
These aren't his 'golden years', my friend. The gold has tarnished; he's lost his other half and now nothing feels right. Let him find his way out of the fog he's in right now and realize it may be a long, slow, and painful process for a very old man. Life can't just 'go on as usual', as if nothing has changed here. EVERYTHING has changed, sadly.
Wishing you (and your father) the very best of luck in a difficult situation.
When he says he has "things to do" you can ask him to choose three or four of those things and write them down. Decide together which task to do first. Then for that specific "To Do" item, break the task down to small steps. Prioritize those steps and "assign" him the first step for that day. Maybe it is just to find a given file folder. Another step might be to go through that one folder for papers to keep or to file or to shred. That's enough for that day. Another day, another folder or step one of some other task.
You might also help your father make a list or a chart of what he does do that day. Even getting out of bed and putting on shoes is doing something. just being able to say "I put on my shoes" or "I washed my dishes" is encouraging. Help him appreciate each small step or task he does each day.
I would say that he’s a perfect candidate for an independent living apartment and all the social engagement that comes with that. But, depending upon the quarantine situation where he lives, that may not be an option.
I’d actually encourage him to take on a home project like straightening out his office. The problem is, dementia robs most people of their ability to plan tasks. Without a LOT of guidance, he’ll probably just stare at the office and not be able to get on with the first step (that may be what he’s doing). Do you know his home well enough to direct him on a task? Is there something he can do by ‘muscle memory’ (not much thought required)? Women in memory care often get great satisfaction out of folding towels, for example. Your dad’s cognition deficits are not that far along, but maybe you can think of a rewarding task that he can do by drawing on habit. It could be writing of some kind; making lists or writing notes to family. My dad, who never did a puzzle of any kind as long as I’ve known him, now spends at least an hour a day doing word search puzzles.
If his paperwork seems to be the source of his stress, perhaps you could sit with him and go thru it; it might be helpful as you can get him to tell you about some of it while he still can. I know this is really awful for you and your family; this smart, professional man turning back into a child is so painful. You have a constant knot in your stomach over this. We just went thru this with my FIL; his wife of 70 years died 7 months ago. They have already moved to memory care but it was difficult to watch his decline.
A neuropsych evaluation which will involve some "testing" to help determine what his deficit areas are, might be helpful to help pinpoint what is going on in his head. And give you all a better picture. You can suggest it as an evaluation to see if there are things that can be done to help him.
If he has worked his whole life "kicking back and enjoying his golden years" will feel like either wasting time or slacking off neither one of which he was raised to do. And in my opinion he should have "kicked back and enjoyed his golden years" 30 years ago! We all wait until it is to late to truly enjoy ourselves.
If you can search for a piece written by Robert J Hastings called The Station great advice in that piece...
By the way the phone calls..My Husband did not like using the phone as his dementia increased, I think if he could not see a face with the voice it threw him off and he became unsure of who he was talking to. He probably reacts differently to the other calls because he can see a face.
As far as removing clothing it might be a bit soon, but if you can say that you want to take a few things to be cleaned and will return them that might be easier for him to handle. I would not get rid of items though, box them and keep them for a while in case he asks for something.
If he is writing you might want to ask him to write the story about how he and your mom met so you have that as part of family history. And any other family lore.
As far as grieving...let him talk, listen to him and cry with him. Talk about your mom with him. Let him grieve. His pain is still raw, just as yours still is.
((hugs))
Steve