My sister and I are the POAs for our 82 YO mother who lives in Florida and we both live in NY. Over the last several years, we've noticed mom experiencing memory issues which have gotten worse recently. She had a boyfriend who ended their relationship as a result and her friends and family have all noticed the issue.
My sister and I have tried (many, many times) to convince mom to get testing done and talk to her doctor about the issue. Mom refuses to admit she has any issue at all. She thinks she has the same kind of memory loss as anyone else her age. We all know that's absolutely not the case. Repetitive conversations and questions, fixating, thinking my sister steals things from her and paranoia. My mother lives alone and outside of having a senior companion come a few times a week, she just refuses to do anything to help herself. It's just hard to imagine leaving her home alone.
I have a doctor’s appointment for her this week while I'm here in FL with her. Although I'm the one she trusts, I'm thinking of openly discussing these issues with her doctor in front of her, his will make her livid. I can't think of any other way. I hate to make her feel like I'm doing this without her approval but I'm not sure what other options I have.
She's also agreed to go tour 2 assisted living facilities while I'm here and I'm trying to speak about these places like fun 'senior resorts' where she'll meet tons of friends and enjoy easy living. But, when we talk too much about it, she puts her foot down saying she'll do it when she's ready and that's not now. The argument of 'setting yourself up for future success' just doesn't seem to sink in. I believe she often doesn't 'connect the dots' so to speak.
Any advice would be so appreciated! Not wanting to ruin my relationship with my mom vs trying to do the right thing for her is a really rough spot to navigate, as I'm sure many of you know!
THANK YOU!!
My brother and I tried for 10 years to get our mother to go to AL, she would say yes, then we would drive 750 miles to help her, we would get there and she refused to let us help her clean out her house and put it up or sale.
The problem with my mother was that she did not have dementia, still doesn't and she is 97!
Finally she had a slight stroke, she was afraid to stay alone at night and kept calling the EMT's, they finally started billing her $600 a pop, that ended that.
We scooped her up, moved her to Fl, into AL, one that she never saw before, I lined it up for her. Fixed and cleaned out her house, sold.
Guess what? She loves it, activities, new friends, nice apartment and she doesn't have to lift a finger.
Ten years of her crap fighting us tooth and nail, now she says "I wish I had done this 10 years before"! Groan!
Sometimes, one has to lay in the weeds and be patient. Don't be surprised if she says ok to AL and then changes her mind over & over again, goes with the territory, good luck.
Really, this would be the time to be honest. Tell Mom exactly what you have seen and heard and tell the doctor in front of her and then enumerate your worries due to her being alone.
The serious danger here is now to Mom and what she does about scamming and money and bill issues, and whether Mom is a danger to herself from fires from a stove and so on. This may take actual visits from you and your sister. You did take on POA and without your having done this, sometime soon or even now Mom would be a ward of the state facing placement and someone handling bills and finances. This is what you are looking at. And honestly there is no other answer for your assessing where this is at but being there. I understand you both likely have jobs and families.
Only other answer, know the risks Mom is taking by being alone and they are many, and hoping that none of them kill her or anyone else. I am assuming she does not drive anymore?
I am sorry you three are dealing with this. Know that this hard denial is common in dementia, the norm rather than unusual, but you DO need now to discuss options with you Mom and her Doctor.
I surely do wish you the best, and so happy you sisters are facing this down together, and hope you will update us.
We are going through the exact same thing with my MIL. She refused to see a doctor until she fell down some stairs and had to go to the hospital. She didn’t know or remember why she fell so that open the door for us. I would say that we didn’t discuss our concerns about her in front of her. We talked to the doctor away from her allowing us to speak freely and request additional testing to seem like the doctors idea not ours. Since then she has undergone lots of tests and has failed a driver assessment(her license had to be retired). Next step is going into an assisted living. She told us she isn’t going until she needs it and she will know when she needs it(the same thing she said when it came to driving). We have toured a few and think we have narrowed down our choices. I understand how you feel by not wanting to look like the bad person and for that you will have to be creative. We have found that making things benefit her financially (she is obsessed with money) or the doctor explaining it she is least resistant. I’m learning most of the time these things fall into place it’s just a process that you have to go through. Try not to be too hard on yourself and know that everything you want for her is for her to be safe and happy.
Driving is also an issue - I would never let her get behind the wheel but she's convinced she can still drive. That'll be another battle!