My situation may be different. I don't know as I haven't gone through all the posts. My dad passed last July from dementia and my mom has been living with me for almost 2 years. It wasn't my choice. She's a 94 year old stubborn, opinionated, determined Italian woman (like me). She still drives around town and is totally with it. She absolutely refuses to live alone and there's no family close by. She and my dad were married for 71 years before he passed and I've become his replacement. I'm married and my husband is a saint to allow the current living situation. Everyone loves my mom because she can be so charming. I don't know what to do. She has a house two streets away from me that she's renting so she can live with me. She absolutely refuses to live alone. And everything I do she has to know about. I can't go shopping without her wanting to come. One time I "snuck" out of my own home to just be alone and I got chastised when I returned. My husband just goes to his office and closes his door to watch TV. We're constantly at odds with each other. I try to be patient. I have a brother out of state who has health problems. So he refuses to hear about any of this. Her biggest issue is she gets out of breath easily so she can't walk anywhere for any length of time; also she refuses to purchase a good hearing aid. I'm tired of repeating everything I say so I shut down. Then when she tries to make conversation all I hear is "huh?" So I don't converse. Then she tells me she has no one to talk to. She plays bingo every Monday; goes to church to see her friends twice a week, goes shopping. She's fairly active. I work all day and when I come home I'm exhausted and want to decompress. I don't want to be "attacked" with constant chatter. For the most part she backs off during the week, but on weekends she feels I'm hers to take her to church, go to supper, shop. My husband and I are going away for a week to see our son who lives out of state and she can't understand why she can't come with us. I get the guilt trip thrown at me that she'll be alone and she wants me to call her every day because something may happen. I could go on, but it would be boring for everyone. I don't know that I expect anything from anyone. Just, thank you for letting me vent. I'm tired.
However....I doubt you will outlive her at the rate you are going - your stress will manifest in physical ailments - ie: high blood pressure, depression, agitation, etc. Your mom has not a care in the world.
Even though what I am dealing with in regard to my parents is very simple compared to what other caregivers are going through, it has caused undo amount of stress on me these past 5 years, and that has caused numerous serious health problems.
Stress causes our immune system to drag its feet, thus the immune system can't fight off the bad cells.... I honestly believed the stress caused my cancer, because there were no other triggers.
I am no fancy doctor, have no degrees, but years of notes, frustration and journaling allowed me to write a book that is real.
What do you mean she won't allow you bring in someone strong enough to help? How can she stop you? Do what needs to be done, explain to the helper to expect wailing and crying and get on with it. Perhaps after this happens a few times it will help your mother see that you are not carting her off the the nursing home each time you need to move her.
No one wants to see their mother/wife wail and cry. Of course not. But don't let her behavior blackmail you into not doing what needs to be done for her sake.
Your profile says Mom has diabetes. Are there also some cognitive issues going on here?
Are you working with any agencies?
What is causing her to be bed or chairbound?
In either case, so what?
She has to be moved and it can be a strong person to do it at home or a strong person to do it at a facility. One or the other.
You have to also let yourself have permission to make the hard decisions about what is in your best interest as well as hers. We would not let a stubborn little child walk all over us, but we will let out parents simply because they seem to be adults. At some point, their reasoning is not that of an adult anymore and you are going to have to take the reigns to keep her and yourself safe. Nobody's mom has ever been happy to let this happen, but it has to, and has happened to billions of people with aged mothers. It's the way it is when we are all living so long.
Having a husband run off to his office would stop in my house. If I have to be out there with her, so does he. This kind of this a really bad habit to get into that can lead to bad places for a marriage. It builds resentment and other hard feelings. I can't be physically close to someone I resent and have anger toward. Bailing on you to deal with it all by yourself is pretty crappy if I may say so.
I encourage you to put some strong boundaries in place, stand up for what YOU need, and think ahead to the day you can no longer be her care provider. Tour some nursing homes and see what there is in the community. Mentally get yourself ready for changes. There will never be a better day or a good time for this kind of change, but you don't want to wait until you have a crisis on your hands to be forced to act.
Sometimes the promise to keep mom at home is no longer possible and you should not feel obligated or boxed in. Do what makes sense now and for the future when her need level increases to preserve your sanity, health, well being, and her safety and security.