Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

53 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
1 2
Youngest54, sounds like you are doing an outstanding job in caring for your Mom. Don't beat up on yourself. I don't believe there is a formula for the number of times one needs to visit a family member in a nursing home. It is great that you keep up with your Mom's care and has to be good enough that you visit her and are satisfied with the level of care and attention she receives from staff at the home in which she resides. You're doing your best, ok, and if it is your volunteer work, there is nothing wrong with that, either. We each have different feelings and relationship history with our family members. Given what you have shared, yours is an outstanding contribution to your Mom's life while she needs to be in a nursing home. Always remember to take a little breather for yourself at least once a week, though I hope you do so more often than once weekly. Best to you and your Mom. Sounds like she is in great hands.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Listen you need to get help you have way to much on your plate.
I do not know what state you live in but if you live in the Chicago area I would help you.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I wish someone would tell me how often I should visit my mother in the nursing home. Basically I've been 'babysitting her" and was an "enabler" for the last 35 years - (after her divorce). She's been in 3 alcohol treatment centers thru the years and last year was in detox. .I've moved her 3 times when she was kicked out of senior housing. I'm the only child within a 5 hour drive. The nursing home is 35 minutes away (an hour ten minutes both ways plus the time I'm there). I'm an empty nester with a job that takes about 55 hours a week. I usually stay at least an hour - she likes the visits sometimes play dominos or eat with her. I bring her toiletries etc She has some speech issues from a stroke and her dementia so there aren't real conversations though we do talk. She is also paranoid an complains inappropriately about her roommate. So not a pleasant time for me. I grieved for her long ago. She hasn't done anything motherly since I was in elementary school. At times I feel sorry for her life and I try to tell myself this my volunteer work. Right now I try to see her once a week or every two weeks. Of course there are hospital trips, doctor and dentists trips, nursing home conference calls. I estimate I've used 40 hours of vacation time last year for her needs. I realize this is overall a big issue, but could use a simple answer - how often should I visit her - she has no other visitors but does have more interactions with nursing home staff than she has had with friends or anyone over the last 40 years so she does have other people stimulation.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Here it's almost three in the morning and I have cried for a long time. I just want my Mom back the way it was a year ago. A year next month I sat in the ER with my Dad while tears ran down his face (he is NOT a crier) as he asked me how she was going to recover from her broken hip. I told him not to worry, broken hips are common and she would be fine. Little did I know that her hip was just the beginning of the end (or so it seems).

My Mom has been one of my best friends, she used to call every night to check in and say goodnight. She doesn't call very often at night anymore.

I don't know what I will do when she doesn't call at all. I need to look back and know I did everything I could to help my parents.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
TP---
So sorry that you just lost your Mom, I know it must be hard and thanks for taking the time to write to me. Sounds like your Mom may have had what mine does -- Macular Dygeneration ( I don't think I spelled that correctly).

That is why it is so frustrating with Mom, she may not be sharp as a tack but she is mentally clear. Why would you not at least try to do what the Dr. says if it would save your sight? She crys and says she is scared to go blind in one eye. Then why can't you just TRY to do what the Dr says.

This whole domino effect started years ago.....she needed surgery and refused and refused and refused. I can't figure out why, she wasn't scared of surgery itself. Maybe if she had the first surgery when she was suppose to she would have recovered from that and she would not have had anything to complain about.

So so many of her problems are b/c of not seeing docs when she should have and ignoring things she needed to help keep herself safe. Using a walker when she gets up at night to go to the bathroom since she is a little wobbly would have probably prevented the broken hip.
Now when she calls, unless you want to say poor Mom she suddenly has to hang up.
I feel bad for my Dad, he has to hear it 24/7. Sorry, I am usually a very caring person but I have suddenly lost my compassion for her. I guess that is why I feel like such a terrible person.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I understand. I feel the same way at times. We have to keep the reward in mind of knowing we did the right thing. Tomorrow they could be gone.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Dear Susan,
A terrible person would never have stepped up to help your mother in the first place. You are a hero!

Whatever happens -- You can only do so much. My mother was supposed to spend her time face down after surgerey to reattach her retina. We got a special bed so she could do just that. She spent most of her time doing anything but staying face down. As a result she lost the sight in that eye. I would get so angry, because she acted as if she wanted to be blind. She was like a small child who simply won't do what they are supposed to do.

Mentally she was clear. She knew what she was doing and, for whatever reason no one could convince her she was doing herself harm. After the first few days, when I relized she was making a concious choice, I stopped punishing myself for "allowing" it to happen. Her immediate comfort was more important to her, than getting the sight back in her eye.
(I also have to add that the restrictions required to make some treatments successful, tell me that they need to find other ways to treat such problems. Most human beings would find it difficult to be 100% compliant. I can't imagine the surgeon who treated mom being able to do what he was asking of her!)
It is a horrible strain to see your loved one going downhill and knowing that there is little you can do to stop it. It's even worse to watch them stop trying.

We burried my mom two weeks ago. As I look back, I can't even remember when I started becoming her caretaker, not just her daughter.I am very much at peace knowing I did what I could to take care of her. There were many times when I wanted to just run away. There were a few times when I left for a week or so and let my sister take care of her, by herself. It did me a lot of good to recharge. It was actually very rewarding to come home and start in, doing most of it again, when mom would tell me she missed 'my touch."

If you can, (I know it's difficult) think about what you need to know when your mother is gone. If you have already passed your expexctations for yourself, it is time to let go a little and make other arrangements for her care. You will find the peace you have earned.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
No actually you are smart and loving to realize that you have reached the point where you can not do it I waited for about 2 years for someone to come to my rescue to make that decision and my counsular at the time told me no one else would rescure me and I had to do it which I finally did and was shocked that everyone except the husband agreed with me and was in the process of applying for medicaide and was so studip for trying to do it alone when God took over and he passed away after keeping him on life support for three days and what a relief it was to admit I ciuld no longer do it alone a lawyer told me that 60% of caregivers die before those they care for and 1 yr. after he died I am still have health issues-we are all here for you -I come back to thios site often because I made so many friends the last few years and am trying to give back the support I received during my dark days when I was where you are-keep in touch we are open 24/7
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Susan - No - you're not terrible, don't feel that way - that said, expect to feel guilty then practice letting it go. There is so much we want to do for our parents but the reality is that we can't. There is no escaping the guilt so you must practice letting it go. This condition means your mom is, frankly, bedridden while she undergoes this treatment. Can you talk with her doc and tell him you don't feel capable of taking care of her and ask him to admit her to a skilled nursing facility while she goes through this? If old enough, she should have medicare which will pay for up to 120 days provided the stay is intended to improve her condition to return home. It will give you a break and ensure that trained professionals are taking care of her needs. Once she's there you can talk with doctor and nursing staff about her condition and see if she should stay. You should not - you cannot - for the sake of your son, let your own health deteriorate to keep her at home.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
I can only empathize with you as I am in a very, very similar situation. When I saw your comment, I saw myself all over again and it truly hits home when you see it in writing! My mother is having bouts with bi-polar where she is very aggressive and shops like mad when she's up, only to fall into a deep depression when she realizes just how much money she has spent on things she never gets to use or enjoy - not to mention the fact that she has no place to put all of the stuff. Well, to try to help her after my dad passed away, my husband and I decided to move her in with us. We went out and purchased a new home, and by the way, the old one still hasn't sold, to move her in. Just two months after moving into our new home, my husband suffered a life changing motor vehicle accident and is now a quadriplegic. So, talk about stress. I am still holding down a full time job and trying to juggle between everybody elses issues. But, just like someone else posted, we have absolutely got to learn how to take care of ourselves. We think it's selfish when we get burnt out and become snappy and short tempered, but we are human and can't do it all because it is not only difficult, but we are not built to carry these burdens indefinitely without destressing. Even nurses have to get away from it as they most often work three 12- hour shifts and then they are off and away from the situation. You have got to build your support system so that you can have an outlet.

When my husband was in the hospital for 4 months, I found myself almost angry when everybody kept telling me to get away and take a break. I realize now they were only telling me that out of love.

So, even though I don't know you, I can tell you out of love and respect from one caregiver to another, that we can't be any good to our loved ones if we aren't good to ourselves. We've got to find some outlets for destressing.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
One ,answer,NO!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
nope, you're not a terrible person, just feeling burnout. Congratulations for eaching out!

We did 24-hr. homecare for my mom for several months after she broke her hip and fell. All that round the clock care was slowly killing us but we had to give it our best shot. We thought she wd return to normal after surgery and PT but that did not happen. I never knew how a fall cd so abruptly change one's life, never understood those TV ads. I do now. Take care of your bones, folks, they are your lifeline to freedom and mobility as we age.

I know how trying these times are for you. Do reach out to friends, family, homecare and visiting nurses to help you. Especially if you have a child who needs and depends on you. It's been hard for me to balance my time between Mom, my kids, and my grandkids, not to mention my spouse, his kids and grandkids, and then me. I just lost my Dad to Alzheimers last year so the grandkids have been the joy in my life that offsets this sadness. Ah, the cycle of life...
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Hey, you need a big hug. You also need to hug you. This is very stressful and this forum is a great way to get it out. You can know there are those of us out here who care about what you're going through and share your burden. Selfish???? Absolutely not. You take care of you or you cannot be there for mom.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
OMG, that is really alot! and NO you are not a terrible person, something similar happened to me as well, my mom got stuck to the bed here at home and I took care of her 24/7, she always wanted to be in the dark, windows and blinds closed, she was depressed, and so was I, she stayed in bed so much she couldnt walk anymore, she got atrophy, luckily no bed sores though, I had to get someone to intervene, before she died of lack of movement or depression, (oh by the way I also have 2 dogs, and they are my life!) I like them better than people! anyway back to mom, so finally I got the government involved and they got her doctor involved who she constantly fired on a regular basis, and wouldnt want to go to important appointments either............which I couldnt force! anyway I finally let the doctors make the decision to have her go to an assisted living faciity, that helped me, but thats when they diagnosed her with PSP which only affects 1 out of a hundred million in the world, and it involves falling, no gait or balance, and swallowing problems! She is almost ready for a feeding tube, the foods and liquids go to her lungs and she can aspirate, (settle there and get infected) so thank god I made the decision to have someone anyone!!! intervene, she might not be here today if it werent for me, and now she realizes this, does appreciate my help in all that I tried to do, but still crys about wanting to come home, remember u have your own family and life to lead! you must do just that, that doesnt mean u cant visit mom on a regular, thats just what I do! daily!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Do you live in a larger city where respite & day-care are available, and caregiver support groups, for yourself, are operating.?
Is your mother on Medicaid or Medicare; what services might they pay for? Would her doctor help you place her into a hospice program?
(They are VERY helpful; contrary to what the uninitiated may think, they are NOT death-watch programs.)
Does your ex routinely turn to you or your son to bail him out?
Be on guard about people who try (or succeed in) manipulating you,
whether they be sister, mom, son, or ex. Also, examine your responses to stressful situations & people with an eye to avoiding operating with a victim mentality. Don't moan & pull your hair--please investigate what
community resources may be out there for you. Our local university offers
a sliding-scale program of counseling for any problem.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
SUSAN 63:

Being an animal lover, let me start with the dog. YOUR dog's love is unconditional. She knows when you're in pain, so she comforts you (so much so I bet you she's tried to lick you clean). One look at her and all that stress on the EKG goes down a couple notches.

Your ex's DUI -- whether he was driving your son to the vet or not -- is HIS fault, not someone else's. In a nutshell, he better man up, pick up his B__S, and accept responsibility for his own self-destructive behaviors instead of laying a guilt trip on someone else for manipulation purposes. In the addiction field (I'm a counselor) they call that "dopefiending."

About your mother, you've done everything you can; even compromised your own health just to make sure she's well taken care of. If there aren't any other options, I suggest a nursing home and/or assisted living facility. It's nice your sister took Mom to the doctor, but you are burned out girl! Your Mom needs 24/7 specialized care that you can't provide although God knows you've tried to do what you can't do and it will still not be good enough.

You've been a wonderful daughter, make no mistake. There's no reason, then, for you to feel guilty or for anyone to make you feel guiltier than you already are. You've dug deep and tapped into that inner source of strength to keep you going, and now you're spent. The only thing anyone should say to you is THANK YOU and feel grateful for everything you've accomplished.

Good luck my friend, and heal quickly! We need more like you around.

-- ED
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
I can totally relate. My mom broke her hip, was diagnosed with stage 4 breast and lung cancer and dementia. The dementia is killing me. Up every two hours all day and all night. I had a work at home arrangement too, and just scaled my hours back to a half time schedule so I can try to take naps in the afternoon when she is sleeping for the one hour or so she does. Just hang in there and get help. I have no one really helping me with all the day to day stuff but I do get breaks and totally appreciate them. I know that some day it will be too much for me to deal with and will either have to bring someone in to help or have her go somewhere. The dementia is the worse of the three. Good luck.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
On this site you find you are not alone in what you are going through. That is such a big help, plus you get very good suggestions and help from those who have been there.

I am in the same boat as you...I don't know how much longer my husband and I can go on with this...it's been nearly 3 years living in her house with her! Nightmare. Our two daughters have even started giving us a piece of their minds and are being distant to us now. We learned a lesson that we should not tell our adult children everything that bothers us and we wont' anymore.

I am currently looking for a sitter to come in once a week so my husband and I can go somewhere together alone without mother. There is a treatment center here that you can bring your elderly parents to 5 days a week for 4 hours and once a month is a weekend where the elderly can spend the weekend...a break for the caregiver. Mother doesn't want to do any of this...she only thinks of her needs, not the needs of us.

I understand how awful it is. We finally last week went to our counselor at church...a professional Christian counselor for over 50 years now. We had to tell someone what we are going through. And, he suggested to start with sitters and then if that didn't work out, might need to look into other arrangements. We had to have our life, too.

When we moved her, left our jobs, family, church, friends, etc to care for our parents, we thought how wonderful it was going to be to help our parents. But, it went downhill from the beginning and now it is almost unbearable.

God bless you in this. Pray a lot. Take care.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
At least look for a place that does respite care - something you can use right now while she is going through this eye treatment. That way you can get some immediate help while you decide what to do. My local nursing home (connected with our hospital) provides respite care. I am not sure how it works with insurance but I think if they also do rehab - perhaps you can get her in under that.

But I know what you are going through - there was a while I thought I was going to go mad between work and my mother waking me up 4 or 5 times a night. In retrospect Ishould have taken a leave of absence from work but thought I could handle it all. It's not a good palce to be. Take care of yourself and do not think you are bad.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
I'm sitting here at my computer and look to my right. I have a great big month by month calendar that you write on and tear that month off when you're done. Then I see the highlighted dates of all the times I need to take mother-in-law to some sort of doctor appt. It's not too bad this month, but there have been times when I see all that yellow highlight for the month and hang my head. Then I remind myself WHY I do it, square my jaw, buck up, and do what Nike always says :Just Do It'. There have been times that it's more stressful than normal, I don't know why, so then I reach out to more family and ask them for help. I'm the one that's geographically closer, available, and most times it's fine. But then there comes that one day that I think ....well you know.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Hi Susan-I just read your question here in this forum-and you sound perfectally normal to me, in my opinion. You may be going thru-what is called`'caregivers stress' - or 'caregiver burnout' and if so you do need to step back-and arrange to take some 'ME TIME' Not only will you feel better, you will also perhaps be more affective with your caregiving as well. If you go to caregiver burnout-and check this on your computer--you will most likely see many more articles there. The fact you have come to this forum-with your question and to vent--is quite commendable. Please keep myself and others informed with your progress on how you are handeling the situation.
Best,
Hap
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
No, you sound totally normal! You definitely needed to vent. Good thing you came on here and did just that. That's the first step toward getting yourself centered and being able to look at your situation with more strength and calm. My mother used to say : "Take it one day at a time." I like Elizza's idea that you talk things over with your sister. Good luck....
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
That is aLOT! Now you have said what you are doing for others and have listed all the others you feel responsible for - I do not see your own name there. You - we - have to learn to take care of ourselves. Find something that gives youa little relaxation, sense of relief. Talk it over with your sister - you are lucky to have her - find a way that you can care for your mother without destroying yourself. NO - you are not selfish! We all have our limits and you may have gone by yours - step back - get help - take a breath - and you can probably get a better perspective.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
1 2
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter