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Mthr has moderate AD, and is a 9 month survivor of stage 2c colon cancer. She has been in Assisted Living/Memory care for almost a year. Recently, she has been calling the office to talk to my husband, mad that I have her checkbook, and asking when her sentence to that place will be over.

She varies between asking him to call her mother (dead for 32 years) and tell her she will spend the summer at her house, to demanding she be returned to her own house (which will be demolished later this summer). She claims no one told her that her father in law had died so that she would not get any of the inheritance (He died 40 years ago, and I remember cleaning out his house!). She has always hated me, so her antagonism towards me is nothing new.

Any ideas of how to deal with this unhappy state when she calls hubby, or when I visit and she gets on a roll?

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I have been doing much better since mthr started on Zoloft 2 mos ago. The improvement in the first month was very dramatic since the last time we visited to get the meds she was combative, and this doc visit was pleasant, even though we were forgotten for 2 hours in a corner room! Her behavior was night and day.

However... Then we took the kid to college and were not able to go visit for about 3 weeks. While we were gone, I knew she called husband's office, where his asst talked to her. Apparently she also called here, wanting us to get her out of the home, since she had come with another gal over to see the owner and see what her place looked like, but now she was kidnapped and could not leave!
Two weeks passed, and she left the same basic message on the machine this am, but tearful. I don't believe she remembered the first instance. And she has been in the home for more than a year now.

Any ideas? Is this progression of the disease? Indication for larger dose of Zoloft? or maybe her prescription expired? Have email into home's manager since it was so late when I listened to messages.

On the bright side, kid is happy and doing well in college classes. He does not want to hear about her, so I am NOT bringing her behavior up.
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You know she's sick and confused. Obviously, you do not need to rationalize those things she is confused and in denial about. It's the way the disease is manifesting in her. You can't change anything, you can only manage it through minimal meds and not adding to her agitation. She can't help it.
Think of a tragic accident. It happened. You can't explain it. It had nothing to do with you personally, yet it upset you. Of course, but then you have to deal with the reality and get on with life. See to her necessary care and let the rest go. :) xo
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The AL called to tell us that mthr was not sleeping since end of May, so last week I was able to get her an emergency 2 week benzo. drug to get her some rest. I had bronchitis with fever so I was in no state to take her to doc at that time. It's been 10 days, and home says she has been so much calmer! Still, I don't want her hooked on the med, so I took her to doc today.

Everything went pretty well, except she claims she has no problem sleeping, and her 20 lb gain in the last 2 mos is due to a really good cook at the home. With her behaviors and my reports, doc prescribed Zoloft for the depression and Lunesta for sleep until Zoloft starts helping.

When we took her back to her room, I swapped out magazines and picked up her trash (she hoards, too). I picked up drafts of letters she was writing to some folks back home. She really hates me and thinks I am stealing her money. It is so sad that she has no concept of how much pain I have gone through to save her life and provide her a good place to call home. Sniff.
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NancyH, I hate to think about the Sundowner's! We don't go visit after 1 pm anymore, she just starts going downhill after lunch. You are right, I will have to be her memory.
Orangeblossom, you have some really good strategies! I LOVE the "you will miss dinner" or "NH wants everyone home by 7." That is a wonderful idea!

The most important part of your post is"you will have to tell her very matter of factly that if she is going to treat you rudely, that you will leave and the Nurses can deal with her bad manners. Then just leave!!" Thank you for telling me that and giving me a backbone! I will indeed!
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Dear Surprise, I continue to go through similar nonsense with my A/D mother in nursing home 13 months. She occasionally asks to visit her apt (vacated last July) when we take her on outings once a month, but I tell her it's too far and we'll do it another day as the NH wants everyone back by 7pm. Most often, she asks when will she be going home because she misses us and her apt. We tell her we miss her too, and as soon as the doctor gives her the OK we will make arrangements. Lately, she has taken to telling us almost every time we see her or speak to her, that she will probably be going home next week. I tell her thats wonderful, and to please tell the doctor to give me a call to let me know exactly when. This seems to satisfy her. Before she went into the NH, she would get very adamant about why I'm not letting her control her checkbook anymore. I told her I collect all the bills and pay everything once a month on a set schedule, and because (as her POA), I also handle my Uncle's bills, it's just easier for me to handle hers at the same time. Sometimes that explanation wasn't satisfactory and she would get very angry and say she can handle it herself. Then I would tell her OK, next month I will bring all the bills to your apt and we can take care of them together at the DR table. Ocasionally it worked - I would write the checks while she was prepping the envelopes with address labels and stamps, and then she would sign the checks, I would stuff the envelopes and she would seal them. Other times she would say she didn't feel up to dealing with it and I could take care of it this month, and she would do it next month. You might try some variation of this, perhaps bringing the prepped checks to her for her signature and then see if she can prep the envelopes - it will at least make her feel useful. I would not bring the actual checkbook (nor keep it in your purse) - she might want to keep it or try to wrestle it out of your purse. I would then just say that the NH does not allow the residents to keep checkbooks with them, and you will bring the bills and the checks each month if she wants you to. Chances are she will forget about this as time goes by. If not, you can say you were pressed for time and didn't have a chance to bring the bills to the NH this month and will do it next month. If she isn't complacent with any of your efforts, you will have to tell her very matter of factly that if she is going to treat you rudely, that you will leave and the Nurses can deal with her bad manners. Then just leave!! She may stew for awhile but you won't have to deal with it - the NH staff will calm her down.
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My mother-in-law who has dementia and macular degeneration and lives in asst. living. In the evenings she has 'sun downers' and she will have a melt-down as I call them. She will go to the office and demand that she get the heck out of 'this hell hole' as she calls it, because NO ONE ever told her WHY she was there or WHEN she can get out. So they call me, and I talk her off the edge of the cliff so to speak. I remind her of the last 5 years when her husband died, she broke BOTH her hips during that time, and had to move out of her house because she could no longer live alone. It used to be once every few weeks she would do this, but now it's fairly 'normal' for her to have the meltdown 2 or 3 times a week. It scared me to death the first time she did this, but not anymore it doesn't. Just calmly go over the past with your mom when she calls, explain what's happened and treat it as a matter of fact when you can. Tell her that she no longer owns a house so there is no place to move back to. Be prepared to repeat the same thing over and over and over a million times if you have to. Her memory is non-existent so you'll have to be her memory I'm afraid. It stinks I know.
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