My wife and I moved abroad to Thailand for three years back in 2016. At that time I did not want to move abroad because my parents were elderly and my father had Parkinson’s. We moved abroad anyway and I left my job for her job as a trailing spouse. We spent three wonderful years there. Now we are back in United States. She now wants to move abroad again but my father has progressed quite a bit. I have spoken with her and told her that I want to be closer to my parents because I’m worried about their health. She has given me ultimatums a few times saying that we are different people. We have two small children. I want to be there for my father but I don’t want my marriage to get ruined and not be able to see my children. Should I leave my parents, or should I separate to care for my father? I don’t want to ruin my marriage over this but she will not compromise.
For my husband and I, we really only have one dealbreaker - cheating. Every other problem we come across, we work through. So, I suppose what I’m asking you is, is your wanting to stay a dealbreaker for your wife? Cannot you not talk about it and say that you will go in 5 years instead, regardless of your parent’s condition?
If the only thing keeping your marriage together is that you do whatever she says, you have bigger problems. For a strong marriage to work, you both have to be honest with your feelings, and you need to COMPROMISE. We kind of approach it like, “Who does it matter more to?” Like, going on a vacation - you want to go to Bahamas, whereas she wants to go to Italy. Do you talk about it and figure out who it matters more to? If you would consider leaving your wife and your kids to stay with your parents, I’m guessing it matters to you A LOT.
Best advice: search for the compromise. You can both be winners here, instead of both being losers (and I mean that in the nicest way).
Were your children already born when you moved to Thailand? Were they born in Thailand or since being back in the U.S.?
I moved to be closer to and help care for my in-laws. I know how difficult it can be even when there is enough money to pay for in-home services for aging parents. I think you need to take a good look at your parents' finances to get an idea of what they can and cannot afford were you to move abroad again.
Do you already have DPOA both medical and financial for your parents? In my opinion, it is a bad idea for anyone to take on the responsibility of caregiving without having the authority to do so.
I would suggest counseling with a psychologist to help with your decision making. You will have to get your parents used to accessing the community for care help, just as they would if they didn't have children; you would have to spend any vacation time, almost certainly, returning to check on your parents. Lots and lots to consider when any big move is considered, whether out of country or within. Best of luck in your decision making. Try not to fight and to argue but to sit quietly and make lists of all things to consider for BOTH of you and for your CHILDREN and extended family.
Your description makes your wife come off as a ball busting alpha witch and you as a milquetoast doormat, do you feel that is an accurate representation of your life? If so then maybe some counselling could help you set healthier boundaries in respect to both your wife and your parents.
Stay in the United States if that's where you want to be. Don't stay here for your parents and don't become their caregiver. Stay for yourself. I don't know you, but it sure seems to me like you're probably the one who made most or all the sacrifices and compromises in your marriage. That's not fair.
Maybe speak to a divorce lawyer. Also remind your wife that the kids are American citizens and you are their father. That should maybe deter her from getting cute on certain things. Good luck to you.
To me family and values are priority and so I understand why you would want to be closer to your family as they age and or are sick. Time and memories together is something one can never get back.
But there also has to be boundaries so that everyone matters and everyone gets time - I know this as I’m still trying to figure it out and find a balance for myself in regard to my moms care and my other relationships (that did suffer after moms stroke). There has to be a balance - and without knowing more or both sides (as there is always 2 sides) I would just suggest before making any big decisions to see if your spouse would do therapy with you in hopes to find a better way for all including your children. Best wishes.
That being said, being given "ultimatums" by your wife isn't healthy. Maybe a few meetings with a marriage counselor will help objectively put things in perspective for the both of you. Your anxiety and sadness are real and understandable, but so is your wife's expectation of not being forever tethered to your parents. A counselor can help sort through it so you both can (hopefully) come to a unified decision.
Moving further away from aging family to avoid being pressed into caregiver service is understandable. Families have been known to do just that and no judgements.
Packing up their spouses and children then leaving the country is a bit excessive. If they were dealing with my mother, going to the moon to avoid becoming the caregiver would be understandable.
The more probable explanation is the wife wants out of the marriage but doesn't want to be the "bad guy" and just be truthful about it. Making her job the "bad guy" and the reason for an international relocation of her husband and kids, takes any blame off of her.
The poster should start talking with a few divorce lawyers and see what his chances look like to get custody of his kids so they don't have to be uprooted and moved to Thailand.
You already gave up your job once and left the US when you didn't want to, if you do it again, you may live to regret it once the resentment kicks in. Then the marriage is compromised AGAIN, even more than it already is!
It sounds like some marriage counseling is in order, if, of course, your wife is willing to see that it's necessary. If not, you have some very serious thinking to do about your future and what you want it to look like.
I'm sorry you're being forced into a corner like this. My husband and I just had a talk last night about teamwork and how vital it is to make a marriage work. Wishing you the best of luck with all you have on your plate.