I am battered and defeated. Tired of the same problems that my mother just ignores and brushes away. She doesn’t deal with the consequences so she doesn’t care. I’m left to clean up the mess. Sometimes figuratively sometimes literally. Oh sure, she feigns concern and promises change but in a day or so she returns to her old bad habits and nothing ever really changes. And before you ask, no. She doesn’t have dementia. Not that any Dr has been able to determine. So I’m left to decide......her or me? Don’t be so quick to respond. Many on this forum have called others selfish and heartless and unloving for choosing themselves and their families over their elderly parents. It may seem like an easy answer but it’s not. One answer causes guilt, confusion, shame, and loss. The other dooms you to a life of servitude (some say slavery) and loss of other family and friends. Not to mention your own health concerns. But still I read people on here saying “you’re a saint”. “What a good daughter”. “You are so kind and loving”. So what is it then? Huh? Not as easy to answer as you thought? Right. That’s what I thought.
"If I could wave a magic wand, I would take away from everyone the guilt and stigma of placing loved ones outside the home. Making that choice and taking another step in losing the one we love is hard enough without adding a huge burden of guilt. I have fought the guilt for the last 2 1/2 years, since I placed my husband, and I still fight it. But rationally, I know that he is probably better cared for and certainly is safer than he would be at home. When I continue to visit, shop for his needs, pay bills, do paperwork and phone calls, take him to doctor and dentist appointments, I am still caring for him. I have not run away. And there is no sensible reason that a loved one's disease should emotionally and/or physically destroy not just the person who is ill but another person as well. I know that without placement, I would have been in danger of being destroyed. Everyone has a different limit in that regard, but when the limit is reached, we are not failing our loved one. We are doing the best we can for them and us in the middle of an awful situation. Finances are another issue, of course -- but if we could only say "no" to adding guilt to this already dreadful life situation!" -Carla Tracy
I don't think there is any way to escape the guilt, confusion, shame & loss, but there IS a way to escape the servitude & slavery that comes with having a parent living inside of your home. Choose wisely. And best of luck.
I refuse to feel any more guilt over a situation I cannot fix or change. He brought it all on to himself with the way he treats people, and then wonders why everybody runs in the other direction. I have had to go minimal contact, as I will not let him put me in the ground like he did my mother. I feel like I've aged 10 years in the past 18 months. Some people just don't deserve the sacrifice and servitude of family after a lifetime of toxic dysfunction. No matter how much you give and do, they don't appreciate any of it.
Therefore, don't feel guilty. You've done more than enough and more than most. Do what YOU need to do to live YOUR life. It's a matter of survival. Please take care of yourself; your health and your needs matter.
Hugs
I have dear, dear friends that are going through the same dilemma in which you find yourself. What I want to say to you and them is that you cannot and must not "go down with the ship." For whatever reasons, either because you've kept her afloat for so very long or she just lacks the comprehension, your mother doesn't have a clue as to how bad it can get if you walk away. You, of course, do know, and that's what keeps you hanging on. But if you are at the breaking point, you must do what it takes to save yourself.... and your other relationships and your health and your sanity. I can't tell you exactly how to do that, but I know that you must. See a lawyer and make sure you understand what you are and are not legally responsible for, then sit her down and let her know the honest-to-goodness deal. You can help her, but you can't save her from herself. You can save yourself, though and you simply must. Let no one who is not in your very shoes tell you otherwise.
Caregiving is the toughest challenge I've had in my life.
I'm 79 my husband is 73 and had a motorcycle accident 15 years ago which has now traveled into dementia. We were just married 10 years.
I 'm lucky I married a sweet, considerate,smart guy so I had ten years of a fabulous marriage. Now I deal with Dr, Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
There are many day when I want to pack up the dog, three cats, drain whatever is left in our bank account and disappear. What prevents me from doing it is Dr. Jekyll shows up and we talk about the early days of our love and marriage.
Is it tough? you betcha and the tunnel I'm looking thru is very dark.
I just stay in the moment and connected to my family, my girl tribe and continue to stay engaged in the world.
We are broke, it's all gone but..I refuse to let the disease rob me of any joy in the years I have left.
rwriter
Hugs
Please don't think because you chose the path to do what is best for you and your family that it anyway diminishes you as a caring daughter. It only proves you have the insight to know your limitations. Some of us have the capacity to enter caregiving with our LO with an open mind and a full heart......I'm just not that person and I no longer feel torn. It IS a difficult decision, and only you know what's best. Don't be coerced to take on more than you are capable.....and after careful deliberation you will know what gives you peace.
Seriously, I have said this over and over, I am all about family but if it means to be a doormat than it is not worth it. Sometimes life throws us a curve ball, but if you decide to walk away from a mother who doesn't or can't deal with cleaning up the messes she makes you are not being selfish...I repeat; you are not being selfish! Because at the end, we have to save ourselves and we can not change people. That is a fact!
Sad to say, I spent years cleaning up my mother's messes until these past few months. She thought after my dad died in 2014 that she at 71 yrs old she could handle her finances...well she was wrong! She got so far in debt that she couldn't see past it and my BF and I live with her in my family home. I, like you was at a crossroad...I had a choice help her out of this one last mess or walk away!
I sat my mother down and told her, you have to file for bankruptcy and there is no other way out..oh by the way, I am not paying for it! I went on to tell her, If I decide to help you that we now play by my rules! I take over your finances and I am cleaning out this house. If she didn't want to go this way then I and my BF will move out and she can go down with the ship and she wasn't going to be able to move in with me after she lost my dad's house. She agreed! She filed bankruptcy and lost her truck and my brother's truck because only her name was on it...she had loans on both trucks and a visa card with a 9,000 dollar owed. In total she owed a credit union 11,000 dollars and another 7,000 dollars on 3 other cc. I know I seem harsh...prehaps mean, but I had to let her know I meant business.
You my friend are at a crossroad and here is the questions you need to ask yourself, "what can you live with and who do you love more? I may sound selfish, but whether it is a boyfriend, friend, or family I always say, "I love me more!" Now, I am sure I might get haters for this, but someone once told me "we teach people how to treat us." If I don't love me, who will? Plus, I am going to be with me for the rest of my life!!
No one hear can make your decision, but if your mother refuses to help you clean up her messes then she has made her choice and you need to make yours. Just remember sometimes we just have to walk away from people and that includes family!
I wish you the best of luck!
Hugs!!! Lots of hugs!!!
You DO realize, don't you, that you have NO (NOOOOOOOO) legal obligation to support your mother in her attempts at "independence"?
Really?
Independence?
Let her give it a try. Let the equivalent of US 911 come and get her.
YOU, dear one, are not responsible for supporting her in this endeavor.
My mother barely ever came through on a promise she would make. She just could be very unrealistic. I finally just accept this or give in. I am so tired of feeling the issues created by who she was and who I became. Expecting a person to change is challenging. It can be done but requires great personal resolve which is certainly made more difficult to achieve in the elderly. I am sorry for your pain.