I am taking care of my fifty-three year old husband who suffered a terrible stroke and I stopped working to take care of him. I took care of my father for tweleve years prior to my husband having his stroke. I am tired, and most days frightened. I guess I believed being a girl there would be someone to take care of me, how strange things have turned out. I trust God will help me, but I feel very hopeless. I love my husband dearly, but life seems very hopeless.
Carol
Does your mother in law use the same pharmacy all the time-they should know what meds she takes and if they are being renewed as needed
I know several people who simply cannot be there to care for a parent who was abusive to them. If they can get help to deal with the hate, and let go of guilt, that is good for their own health. Often, they can often step in enough to see that the parent is cared for in other ways. But not everyone can give hands-on care to a parent.
Thanks for your kindness and wisdom.
Carol
TRACY
Carol
TRACY
TRACY
Cat,
Not sure my first letter went out.
Thanks for the advice, I think that mother would throw the plate at me if I took her a plate and then say why didn't you come and get me you know that I want out of this place? Then she would say something hurtful. Mother has her mind and knows what she is saying. She is kind to the workers at the home where she lives. Over time she has ran everyone away. She finds something wrong with everyone in the familly. Like no make up, your hair is not fixed right, pants are to long, that doesn't look good on you, etc. She doesn't see a good side about any thing or any one. Everyone wants to stay away from her.
Tough skin, well I have had 40+ years of verable abuse from her. I hated to go for visits on the Holidays. If it wasn't for my dad I would not have made the trips at all. I feel that my husband could be right this time. I want to enjoy the Christmas season and not think about the ugly things she can say and hurt me. She has let me know that I was a promissed child to my dad before they got married. Lucky for her.
As for a friend, if I had a friend that treated me the way she does I would say GOOD BYE. But because she is my mother and because I want to do what GOD wants me to. I keep going back for more of the same. If I do bring her home for Christmas and she starts on me I will pack her up and take her right back to where she lives so fast it will happen before she knows what is going on.
Would it be possible for you to take your mother a plate of food at Christmas after the rest of the family had there meal- I have been involved with the mother-husband situation and wanted to tell them both to shut and act like grownups.
deepest sympathy for your plight. I think that you are doing the right thing by attempting to heal the relationship with your mom and keep including her at holidays. One thing that might help you is if you can distance yourself from 'hurt feelings' over what she says. If she was a stranger - not your mom, how would you react to what she says. It is not easy when someone pushes buttons - especially during the holidays when there are already expectations and lots of family dynamics, but if you truly want peace with yourself, you will have to decide now what you really want out of the experience.
Some people will never stop the zingers - that is up to them. I don't know your mom, but I believe that you are a kind and sincere person who truly wishes to make things better. Perhaps if you want some tips on how to develop a thicker skin, you might start with realizing what your mom says has no bearing on who you are. I won't go into personal experience here - but hope that if you can truly bury any of the stuff that you are carrying around you will have a happier Christmas no matter what zinger your mom throws at you.
If you like, write down all the zingers here on this site - we have all experienced something similar. but if you name it it can no longer hurt. if you can laugh at it, it no longer stings.
Be happy & enjoy your family and the good that is out there. Maybe even your mom will chill out if she sees that she can't hit the target any more. Just give her a hug instead.
C
Thank you, Mother took things well and even called to tell me that she would not be able to make the trip for the funeral but wanted to send flowers.
Our son and one of our daughters and two of our grandsons were here for Thanksgiving and so I called the home where mother lives and had them to have her dressed, our son and my husband went and picked up mother so she could spent the day with family and get away from her room. Mother being mother had to get one stinging word at me before she left. I was nice to her and had to help her when she went to the bathroom. Mother is unable to take care of her personal needs. I don't know what she is looking for in me. I try as hard as I can to be the daughter I feel I should be and all I get is hurt. The words still ring in my ears. My husband doesn't want me to bring her to our family Christmas dinner. I'm pulled between do and don't. Mother will be 90 in three months and I keep thinking that this will be her last year (Christmas) with us. For me Christmas will be easier without having her her. But on the other hand I will feel bad knowing that she in alone. I'm realy torn on what to do. It is not easy getting mother her. It takes two men or two strong women to get mother here and back again. I'm not able to help with this. I could call for KAT to pick her up and take her back but I'm still opening myself up for more hurt full words that she is so good at.
I am so sorry about the death of your Mothers' sister.
Blessings to you,
Carol
& myself went out to eat. I have never seen my brother so relaxed.
I'm trying to build a better relationship with mother, this will take time because we have never gotten along in the past. I was pushed out by things she would say to me. I want to do the right thing and what I feel God wants me to do. So far I don't have that mother daughter love that I have with my daughter.
This past week my mother's sister who was 3 yrs. younger than my mother, passed away. We drove to the health care home where mother lives and told her. We were trying to think of a nice way to tell mother that she would not be able to attend the services for her sister. But we didn't have to. Mother called me and said that she wanted to send flowers but was not be able to go. Yesterday my brother came to visit her. That made mother's day. In my mother's eyes my brother is everything. Out of all of this the GOOD NEWS was after the visit with mother my brother, his wife, my husband
TRACY
You do need a break. Please contact your state human services department (type your state in online, and you should find their main site - then go from there. You should find a phone number). Ask if there is any respite care available in your town. If you can afford any in-home care at all, please get some. You need a break.
Most of us, once our loved one dies after years of dementia, have a long journey back to remember and love who they were before all the years of decline. I've written about that. It's a hard journey, but worth it.
However, now you are living the years of decline, and you are tying hard to love her as she is. That is admirable. You need help to hang on to that, and getting some help will, well, help.
Carol
TRACY