What can I do when I'm the sole caregiver for my Mom and I am having depression issues?

I completely understand and feel your pain and depression. My 96 year old Mom fell 1 1/2 years ago, broke her right hip and wrist, and has been through Hell ever since... (4 surgeries, 8 different facility or location changes in a year, badly hurt by one "rehab/skilled nursing" home). I am the only one for her - she lived with me for 15 years before falling, and I lived with her for 4 before that in another state. I'm 67, have COPD w/emphysema, arthritis (staving off a knee replacement with shots for now...), but there is no one else. No family (I had one sibling, my brother, who was killed in a motorcycle accident 10 years ago. He had one son, my nephew, who lives in Texas, while I live in Oregon...) - no church - a few friends who I can't impose on any more than I already have. I am bi-polar type 2 (mild form), but that comes with its own depression status... And, by the way, it's a lot easier said than done to find a decent therapist (forget psychiatrist) who will accept Medicare... I've gotten to the point that if a doctor of any type accepts Medicare, I want to know why - new practice? incompetent? etc. because seriously, the "good" ones are full! Anyway, I truly understand slogging through, dragging through the jello surrounding you, and trying to get from one day to the next. I've been trying to get Mom good enough to bring home, but... She is currently living in a nursing home, but miserable. I did finally get insurance approval for her to have outside physical and occupational therapy, and she's making progress (tough old bird!). So, I'm bringing her home - just for the day - on Xmas, and we're both getting excited. It will be the first time she'll be home in 1 1/2 years - I just finished decorating a Xmas tree (the first I've bothered with for 2 years) and am praying the portable wheelchair ramp I ordered gets here before Xmas...Otherwise - ? So I don't know what to say except that you're not alone - old age sucks! The System sucks! I guess we're all going down the same road, but some run into more bumps than others!

SnKZabel04: This is serious, But you need to get yourself back on your psychiatric meds now! Not tomorrow or next week.

I'm too feeling depression after my mom died, and having to deal with dad over a year now. I intially cancelled all my appointments and quit taking any meds. At that point, I was not depressed. Over a year later, things haven't gotten better. I'm now experiencing depression, anxiety, resentment, and my marriage is damaged. My father doesn't appreciated anything I've tried to do, and I'm nothing more than a slave. He doesn't see why I'm so stressed. I have no support in my 1 sibling. In one year: my mother died, I had to care for him, my husband switched jobs, packed our things, and moved in with dad. Things wasn't working in the tiny cluttered trailer, so we ended up buying a house. A house like dad wanted. He helped with the down payment. Otherwise, we couldn't get what he wanted here. I had to clean out and pack his trailer by myself with very little help. There are still things there that needs done. I set up the new house to be livable in the mean time. Dad comes back from my sisters. Neither one helped during the whole time. My husband has shut down mentally, and I feel totaly alone. I have made a comment that I'm on the cusp of now asking for a divorce as it's all too much. My father then told me it was my fault. No, it's been mainly him. My husband and I have no privacy, no life, we're overwhelmed, and stressed out. Of course that went right through me when dad said that. Nevermind I have totally put my life on hold. He walked out last night. He's only been in this house for 6 days. He went back to a mostly empty trailer with some belongings and his cat. Anything I've ever done is never good enough nor appreciated. I tried to do the right thing. My sister never bothered. I feel regret for even trying, but guilty I feel that way. There are times I wish he was the one that died last year. I feel guilty about that. I feel obligated to help him. I wanted to. Things turned out horribly wrong. I finally made a doctors appointment about 3 weeks ago to see my practitioner as I see it's messed with me physically, mentally, and now the marriage. Now all for what.

We were utterly exhausted trying to take care of my dad. My sister and I both had mixed feelings about putting him into a nursing home, but it was the best decision we could have made. All three of us found it very trying in the first few weeks and we even thought of taking him back home, but he eventually settled and he is in very good hands. They are so good, friendly and helpful, we could not have asked for more and when we take him out for lunch he cannot wait to get back. He has his own room with a tv and friends and he is totally happy there now. We visit once or twice a week. We lend dvd's to the home for them to play movies for the elderly and it's an all round win-win now for us.
It is hard to take care of an elderly, unlike taking care of a child even when they behave like kids at times, but it is not the same.

I visit my Mom at the nursing home once a week and phone her every day. I'm confident that they are consistent with the care they give her there whether I'm there or not.

Don't believe all the negative things you hear about nursing homes. There are good ones out there.

You know when you fly somewhere and the flight attendant tells you to put the oxygen mask on yourself, then on your child's? this is why. I am one of those people that benefit from antidepressants. I also rely on my dog who is my bff, my sense of humor and music. Once you get a little lift for yourself, you can view the situation a bit more clearly. You may not need to put your mom in a nursing home right away, maybe someone may be available to come and help even for a short time. antidepressants are not always the answer but they can be a godsend for the right person/circumstance.

I have gotten so tried of caregiven. But its so hard for me to think of putting my mom in any kind of faculity. Each time i think i can it hurts me to my heart. But im soo tried. I dont mistreat my mom or anything like that. But i just need a break not sure what to do? 😢

I went through some depression when I lost my permanent job three years ago and was caring for my then 92-year-old mother. After Mom was placed in assisted living arrangements in 2013, I had decided to see a psychotherapist who is an LCSW and Istill see him once a month for my own anger and anxiety issues.

I know about Depression and Anxiety and trying to take care of my elderly mother who is in the middle stages of Dementia. You feel like there is no end to it and any hope for a future life seems very uncertain. Stuck in the house 24/7 day after lonely day as the sole caregiver, you feel like giving up. I can relate to wanting to sleep all day and escape the responsibilities that seem never ending. I had a breakdown and did have to spend a week in a mental health psych ward to adjust my depression medications and get some professional help. Even though this did help it still did not solve my problems at home with mom. I would suggest checking with your city senior services agency for respite care. They are the least expensive help I know of and will sit with your mom making sure she doesn't fall and is safe until you get home. They will not administer any medications, only remind the patient to take them. They will cook a light meal if necessary. These caregivers all have been checked out by the city before they are allowed into your home. Additionally, for me, I have joined an Alzheimer's support group once a month and here I receive warm supportive help from caring individuals all going through similar circumstances. Caregiving is the toughest job I have ever have and it feels like it is just you and God and your loved one against the world. Get some help medically and then contact your city human services for inexpensive help. God bless and good luck.

I xperience similar feeling caring for mom and dad with dementia. Mom is on dialysis. My sister is wealthy and does daily 10min visits and lunch on sunday. Neither my sis or her husband don't think they have obligations to help. I get pretty burned out every 3 or 4 months. My mom thinks assisted living is prison and complains aobut my sis constantly but won't say a word. Sis comments on how clean and bs. I'm just now nicely opening my mouth and letting sis know I see thru her excuses. It's taken 3 years. Thaks hope your depression gets under control. Bob in bay area. I was able to hlep my folks my wife 30 yrs. passed 6 years ago. Older sisters think like they did 50yrs ago. I mean my sis does. Assuming roles they had from the past. God bless. Always get help or we are married to our problems. They won't heal!

FlemingD,

In most situations daily visits are not necessary at all. I feel like I go over the line visiting every other day and calling on the days I'm not there. My mom is in a place I feel confident in her care. I know the staff very well as I am there every other dang day. Every day? No way!

Old Bob gave you some good advice. I think everyone who takes care of loved ones 24/7 have to deal with depression in some way or another. I know I have had to deal with it myself. Your best bet is to find a really good nursing home near your house where you do not have to travel far to visit with your mother. With her being bedridden and you the only one there to help, I think this is a case where she needs more than you can provide. It doesn't mean you love her less. It just means that you are doing what is best for you and for her. Again, go back and read Old Bob's suggestions. He knows what he is talking about.

@FlemmingD, I am sure that is a good idea. However it is not always practical and the need probably differs from one place to another If hardtohandle is trying to recover from depression she will need some time off, I am a distance caregiver, so I can not possibly visit my mother daily, nor would it be good for me as she is mentally ill and emotionally abusive. I get to know the staff very well when I do visit and keep in touch with them by email and phone. I listen to any complaints my mother has and follow them up with the staff so they know that I am watching what happens. I think it is not a situation where one size fits all. There are others on here with a parent in a facility who do not visit their parent daily, and the parent is well looked after.

Whenever you have to put your loved one in a facility, it is essential that you visit daily. I was told by a worker that once the staff know that a particular patient has people watching, they become more attentive to that patient's needs. Sad, isn't it?

Thank you soo much herbalizer u definitely gave me the questiins that I would really forget to ask.

Oh, and before I forget, also check to see what the staff ratio is per resident. One way to save money is the Nursing and Assisted living cuts back on staff and over burdens those they do have. They had a real sneaky way of making it look as if they had a good ratio of RN to LPN over the weekend and it was false. Can't believe the inspectors fell for it. However, they did catch the too low staffing of CNA's.

I worked in nursing homes and assisted living for 30+ years both as a CNA and later as an RN. I saw it all and saw what you don't see if you don't work there. Back in the day, nursing homes were h*ll holes(Assisted living didn't exist then). Just warehouses where the elderly put in their time til they died. I walked out after the first day at more than one place. I tried reporting and shutting down another one with no success. I had threats made on my life instead. But in this day and age it's a totally different ballgame. In the two states I worked at, the four nursing homes were regularly inspected and given 'grades'. The last one I worked at was wonderful and way ahead of its time in what they were attempting to do for the elderly. But they were horrible to the staff who were the most overworked and stressed out workers I've ever encountered. The staff were also the most loving, caring and hardworking bunch I'd ever encountered as well. The assisted living is new and not as regulated or inspected like nursing homes and they were all wonderful. I wouldn't mind living in one when the time comes myself! In the two states I was involved in, nursing home bedsores were very rare as they are required by law to reposition everyone q 2 h. They also do skin inspections and their nutrition is carefully monitored too, to also help in preventing bedsores. The bedding is smoothed out and susceptible residents are put on air mattresses and gel pads in their chairs to help alleviate any pressure areas. Their toileting is also monitored and they're toileted q 2 h or their Depends are inspected q 2 h around the clock. They also apply special lotions to the susceptible areas for bedsores that work to 'toughen' the skin so it won't break down. I've applied them many a time. I worked every shift--be it day, pm and noc and it was the same on all shifts, (except noc shift which didn't give the residents much sleep as they're inspected q 4 h instead of q 2 h but alot of them were used to it and sometimes they slept through the inspections and bed changes). I would check online to see what the 'grade' is for the nursing home you're thinking of checking out for your mom. I think the site was called something like Nursing Homes in (whatever the state is) And How They're Graded. The state inspectors are who grades them and they have annual inspections. When you go for a tour to check out the place physically, check for cleanliness, staff friendliness, how the residents are dressed (are they neatly dressed, no food or other stains on clothes/faces), any smells or odors detected anywhere is a Red Flag--it isn't a good place, and how many activities they have for them. Covertly watch how the staff interacts with the residents. Observe how you are treated too, by the CNA's, RN's, LPN's, SW and the Administrator. Do they have time for you and your questions? Nowadays, they don't get away with mistreatment. It's a HUGE, HUGE deal if they do. I want to say it's a felony to commit Elderly Abuse and very seriously frowned on and they jump on it, which they should. I could go into horror stories of what I'd observed 30 years ago. They have really improved dramatically. Hope this helps and you are able to find one that gives you piece of mind.

The biggest concern I have is that my mom cant talk, she cant walk, ive had her for a year and no bedsores, im afraid, she'll be mistreated because she cant talk.

my advice is to tell mom she is going to a place for awhile for special observation....then once there and she wants to come home, say the doctor has not signed off on her yet...I did roughly the same thing with my wife and after awhile she was ok with it..
Grace + Peace,
Bob

If you're not eating, you're likely not sleeping much either. Please see how you're taking this out on yourself, you've no reason to and she wouldn't want that. You can be strong for her. If you respect her, show yourself respect... that's the kind of things parents want to see in us. Getting strong often starts by turning to others for help first! Keep reading here and keep posting, like Countrymouse asks!, and use some of the great advice and caring people are posting for you.

You do need to take care of yourself first. None of us is superwoman and when we can't do it anymore through no fault of our own, we should not feel guilty over having to place them in a facility. Sometimes they become more social when in a place because they have people their own age to socialize with. It may be better for your mom and you.

hardtohandle - you made a wise decision to place your mum. You need to work and you need some time to yourself to heal from this depression. Now make some more wise decisions and get yourself some help for the depression and also start to eat again, id t

I am so sorry that you are feeling so down. I am sure most of us have been there. Keep in mind that this is just another phase in your life. Life is a series of phases--some good, some not so much. It WILL end some day. But until that day comes, you need to think of yourself as your best friend. What would your best friend tell you first thing in the morning? Eat breakfast? Think positive thoughts? Get help for your housework? What would your best friend tell you later in the day? And throughout the entire day? The care and support you are giving your mother should be showered upon yourself as well. Your mother does need you, but doesn't want to deplete you. You can help her and still try to carve out a little time for Your work, Your play, and Your rest. It isn't easy to see, but there are more resources out there than we first realize. Don't let the "aloneness" get you down. You really aren't as alone as you feel. I am not there to physically lend a hand, but you are in my prayers. Reach out anywhere and everywhere for physical and emotional help.

Have you found a place for her? I hope that once you get to know the people who'll be taking care of her you'll begin to feel better. Truly, when there is only one of you and you need to work, you haven't any choice. But it doesn't have to be a bad thing. Good caregivers will want to get to know her properly, as a person, and if you work with them they'll soon begin to understand her well. Big hugs to you, keep posting x

Well since I posted about my mom. Things havent gotten any better. I have made the decision to put her in a home. It hurts me to the ground I walk on. But I work one day a week to pay my bills and now that I have noone to watch her I have no choice. .it hurts sooo bad cause my mom cant talk so she can tell anyone if there is something wrong. I havent eaten in three days and I dont know how to tell her. Whats about to take place.

HOspice may be able to help you. Maybe a church volunteer can help and give you a couple hours a week for yourself. Do you have friends who are willing to step in and watch mom for a bit? It's sort of like having a baby. Try to rest when she rests, eat when she does. If she is sleeping, take a small walk...It is tough, hard, and she is your mom..... Hang in there

I have personally been in your shoes and it is horrible. There was no boyfriend involved but I was sole caregiver to my mother for 8 years and then I began having horrendous panic and anxiety attacks. I begged my two siblings for help but they were both working. I had my daughter take me to the hospital one night and they kept me for stress. I was told by two doctors that I COULD NOT RETURN HOME TO CARE FOR MY MOTHER, If I did I was going to have a stroke or heart attack! One of them told me to look at my daughter and tell her goodbye right now. She was just 22 and I thought, Okay I cannot do this any longer, so I went home and called a meeting of both siblings and told them I was no longer going to care for Mom and they needed to make arrangements to have her cared for. There was anger focused at me and I was given 30 days to get over the panic and anxiety and get back to work by one sibling. Right then I called bull--- and said "I am not able to do this any longer." I walked out 8 months ago and Mom died 4 months ago after just two weeks in a nursing home. This breaks my heart because she was basically killed in that nursing home, but that is another story.

You have to take care of yourself first, first, first! If you are ill or incapacitated then you are no good to anyone. Breakups with boyfriends can be horrible but you have to be of the mindset that, a better one is on the way. I have a wooden sign that I bought from HomeGoods that says..."Give Thanks for unseen blessings already on their way!" I just love it and try to live by it. I do have to say however that I had to begin taking Zoloft for the panic and anxiety and it has been a blessing. The only negative was the fact that it took about 8 weeks to reach a point in my body that it was working. When my mother died in the hospital I was the only calm, cool and collected person around. My sister who have given me 30 days, could not understand how I stayed so calm and she told me she did not even know who I was anymore. I guess seeing me breaking down would have been what she was looking for.

I do not like the fact that I could no longer care for Mom and it led to an early demise for her, but I needed to care for myself and be here for my daughter. An in home caregiver was hired for about 4 months until my sister wanted her put into a nursing home. We did go to an Elder Law Attorney for guidance in taking care of Mom and not losing the house we had all been living in. And you do not have to spend down every cent like OldBob1936 did with his wife when she was ill. If your Mom owns her home or has money or property then you must see an Elder Law Attorney....that is a must, you need guidance. You do need to get Mom onto MediCal/Medicaid and have Mom put into a care facility where she can be cared for 24 hours a day. You cannot just lay in bed and sleep, you must get yourself to a doctor and seek help for yourself as well. DO NOT JUST GIVE UP....THERE IS HOPE AND HELP!

Hi - I have struggled with depression most of my life and have learned that it can become debilitating if not treated. When you add the aspect that you need to care for another human being, it becomes imperative that you take care of yourself, otherwise you won't be able to help anyone else. Before I found this board, I didn't realize that it is ok and necessary to understand your capabilities and limits. I wish that it would be enough to have the heart and will to take care of your loved one, but I am finding that you also need the capacity and resources and most of all - help. This is a task that is too much for one person to handle 24/7. What I am also learning is that when it becomes your life to care for your loved one, it can start to feel that you are losing your own life. And that is a scary thing to feel and not know how to cope with when you are not depressed. My heart goes out to you and sends warm hugs - please seek help. You can call the Alzheimer's 24 hour help line: 1-800-272-3900 they will connect you to a counselor.

I agree that what to do about your mom's care is part of why you haven't gotten help for your depression. Several good suggestions have been made here - one being that you can call 211 (in many places) to see what help is available.

Also, you can type the name of your state's website in your browser along with the word aging. You'll see a lot of links come up that you can try. Somewhere in there should be a local connection where you can find some help with your mom while you take care of yourself.

Please keep checking back for more suggestions and also so that we know how you are doing.
Carol

Please treat your depression as a serious obstacle to your well-being. Are you seeing a mental health professional? If not, is that something you would consider? Lots of times depression is a temporary nuisance but in other instances it is chronic and lasting without medication and counseling.In either event, your Mother needs your caring and support and that requires you at your best. I have been in the "same boat" and I know you likely feel discouraged or even overwhelmed. Know that there is help and that things can get better if you take steps to feel better. My best to you and your Mother!