I see a major decline in my social life. I'm finding it's harder and harder to relate to folks who do not have this care in their life. Some friends have stayed away and others, even though they mean well, say things like stay away and don't do as much for mother, but there's no one else to pick up the pieces for sure. They see what it's doing, and make judgements, but no one is really stepping in to help because it's too much. It's sad, isn't it, how it affects every aspect of life.
In the Brazilian countryside, we're lucky to have one form of insurance against the trap that caregiving can be: a huge family. Down there, I have 12 half-brothers and sisters. (I'm not going to mention anything about the relatives here in the States, as I might have a psychotic episode. Suffice it to say they're all a mess.) Our elderly are never put away, always have something to do, and the family gathers around the bed when their time comes to slide into another plane of existence. In a nutshell, we take turns at caring for one another and still have time to be the social creatures we're designed to be.
In the US, it's a different ballgame for the most part. Families are smaller; most children are taught to be individuals and keep to themselves yet expected to be social. Here in NYC, everything's so compartmentalized it's so easy to become desensitized to almost everything that goes on around you. At home, people like myself find safety in solitude; inside a rented box that's become a fortified temple of inner healing after spending 1/2 the day hunting for that Almighty Dollar that no one can do without.
Everything has to be paid for; even a social life. Like crackheads that get paranoid after hitting the pipe, the time I spent away from Mom wasn't much fun at all. The cellphone would ring, or I'd be too worried something would happen. Relationships didn't work out because I was too tired to put out ... or stay awake at the dinner table.
For 3 long years, caregiving was my life. Joining a monastery would've been a lot easier. At least I'd have been surrounded by monks quite adept at taking care of themselves and be supportive at the same time.
In caregiving, a social life where you actually find enough quality for yourself is .... an oxymoron? An anachronism? ... Well, you get the point.
Good luck my friend.
-- Ed
think christina gives a good massages , mmm
i love it here , we can dream all we wanna . we ll make it come true .
Not knowing your circumstnces or your Mom's state of health, I might have to agree with one thing: if she is able, allow your Mom to do as much as she can for herself and hire paid caregivers when you can. I tried to do everything for my Mom when she first moved here, and it nearly killed me. It takes time, but I am learning to delegate more. Please do not think that you are the only one who can do things for her. What if you were not in the picture? Someone would be called in to help with her care. If you can shift your thinking to becoming a "care manager" then you can go back to being her daughter.
Again, I do not know if your friend's comment was misguided or if she was being objective. Either way, you need an outlet or you will burn out fast. Also, don't assume that people do not want to help. When friends ask if there is anything they can do have a list ready. Do not be afraid to ask...they may say no, but then you know for sure.
good luck.
Really would like to go to the mall all by myself..Or even be in the house All by myself here's dreaming. :)
Regarding your friend who invited you to attend the football game...she can't possibly understand what you are going through, because she isn't living this - YET. The good news is that she invited you. You get to decide what you want to do...hair appointment or football game. Your choice...your self care. Who takes care of your mom during the week? Is it only you? I would begin with a full evaluation by a geriatric doctor. There might be help for your mom's condition. If the geriatric doctor can't diagnose her condition, there will most likely be referrals.
okay, so this is an example -- my mother is suffering from severe anxiety about being alone, obsessed with being with people, so i have choices to make each weekend on how to budget my time. Rec'd a call from a friend, who is only responsible for her children and husband, asking me to attend football game, but i also want to get my hair done on saturday so, it's where do I spent my time and as a non-caregiver -- they do not understand -- why would i have to attend my mother, hmmm --- cause no one else will how about that one
Where shall we put it? A central locale like Kansas City or perhaps on the beach somewhere (like Hawaii)? Yum yum roast pork luau and hula lessons. (I'd HAVE to have a pedicure first, and about a year at a fat farm but those are details we could work out).
Ramsay could cook, Martha could decorate, Vera Wang could dress us, Cuz could be our entertainment, and Dr Oz could tend to us and our elders.
Who's with me?
Somtimes it's 'hard to move among them'. I feel waay older than most of my friends.
I don't feel like I can invite people over - it's too weird. I don't know how to fix it.
friends comes and goes , they all know i cant go bye bye . they do come here and visit so that is nice ,
what people dont realize is they will be in our shoes one day . maybe not all but some will . then they ll come and find us and cry about it . ah well where were u when i needed you ? a company is all we ever wanted .
my daugher usualy comes and sits with my dad so hubby and i can go out for few hrs . which is great . i always hate to ask her but will ask her if im crying lol .
thats ok i rather be home with dad and knowing he s ok .