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I read your post and had so many memories back to "when I had dreams"....I will tell you this, way back then, my parents were both elderly, BUT they were still healthy at that time, as you indicate yours are...every single time I wanted to do something for myself, with friends, that was living life and fun, I would end up letting it go because I would start thinking "what if something happened to one of them???" "what if one of them passed and I was out having fun???" "what if this, what if that???" well, I was in my late twenties then...those "what if's" didn't happen but guess what, life did, and before I knew it, BOTH my parents WERE becoming ill, were becoming frail and needing constant help and then it was too late...oh dear God I wish I could tell that young woman back then (ME) you go on and enjoy your life...be young, be foolish, but be happy.....now fast forward ...I am 55 and NEVER got to do what I wanted to do but now am here 24/7 caring for my Mama and while I am truly thankful...Mama is pretty healthy, but she has dementia and now here I am and here I'm going to be....you know what??? your parents could be younger and still pass...YOU could pass on your trip...I could pass tonight...none of us knows when it will happen but it will happen to every single one of us...so I say... GO, PLEASE GO...ENJOY YOURSELF, AND HAVE A MARGARITA FOR ME!!! GOOOOOO!!!!!!
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I had fun reading everyone's reactions. Lots of deep guffaws! Would you ever expect your children, or anyone, to stand by waiting for YOU to die and expect them to die (not living their life) for YOU? of course not. Yep, my mother is horrified whenever I chose to do something in another state for a few days. I just go and she can be as hateful as she likes. Your mother will be miserable with our without you, so go and enjoy your hubby and your cruise and your life.
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Get your mother a small flock of geese. They are excellent at patrolling the property and sounding a loud alarm. Worried about coyote? Get her a donkey, they too are very good at protecting pasture. And the son? get him to take Dad fishing. I worked with a man who always took his MIL along on vacation. "That's really nice" I said "I don't know a lot of men who would do that." He smiled and said " I do it because she can make two weeks feel like six. "
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Coulda, woulda, shoulda and my Mom's favorite "what if..." will drive you crazy. Go have a great time; your Mom is going to be the same whether you sit home or travel.

And you know, it doesn't matter whether you are home or on the high seas; life happens and there isn't a darn thing you can do to control it!

Mine never wanted to go anywhere in case something happened at home while she was gone (?). Mom hated that we traveled, even when she lived with us. We worked hard to get where we are in this life and only in emergencies do we change our plans.

Start packing!
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I would certainly travel.

Your parents are in their 80s and in good health. You are supposed to not travel for the next 10, 15, possibly even 20 years? Nonsense!

But you know that. What you don't know is HOW to just go ahead and do it. I'm not proud of this, but I'm going to swap you one guilt trip for another. If you take this trip you might feel guilty for leaving healthy but elderly Mom and Dad for several days. If you don't take this trip you should feel guilty for depriving your husband of an opportunity to enjoy and enhance the most important relationship in your lives.

Each time you start down the gilt trip path and think "Oh, Mother is going to so disappointed," immediately tell yourself "Oh, Hubby will be so disappointed if we don't go."

If you are going to feel guilty no matter what, you might as well have fun doing it!
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How I wish I could go on vacation, but the worrying would make me a nervous wreck [more so then I am now].

My parents still live in their single family home. If only my parents would have moved into a retirement community, I could go out and do things and not worry so much because the community has excellent security, emergency services, plus they would have made new friends that they could reply on. This is so unfair, because my parents were traveling all over the place when they were may age :(
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I would say "Yes, Mom, Dad is 82. And in ten years he'll be 92." It isn't logical to sit around and wait for God to come for him. Go and have fun. If something were to happen, what could you do that your mother can't?
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There is no guarantees in life. Your parents could out live you. Live your life to the fullest and take every enjoyable opportunity you can. As you get older, the options of traveling diminish, so do it now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Leave the emergency cruise number with your kids, to be used in case of a REAL emergency. But you need to do this - DH and I held back on some traveling because we couldn't leave Mom alone and besides we couldn't hurt Ma by taking a trip without her. Now she's in NH and we can travel, but we can't because DH has health issues.....don't let Ma's manipulations rob you and DH of this precious chance to enjoy life. (Bribe your daughter with a promise of a great souvenir).
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Oooo-hoo-hoo.. and counsel your daughter to take a leaf out of her grandpa's book and turn her 'phone off too! She can, if she sees the need, call your parents once a day, at an agreed time, to check they haven't been abducted by aliens/need anything from the shops.
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And did Grandmama die when wicked Betty Jean was in Greece? No, thought not. Off you go!
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Tell them to call 911 in a real emergency. Can you have a discussion with local law enforcement to pay a visit while you're away?
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Thanks again.

I wish it was easy to set up people to visit.

1. She's a hoarder. No one is allowed in the house.

2. They really don't have any friends I can call on.

3. I hate to call on my friends.

4. We live way out in the country, so neighbors are, well, there really aren't any. The neighbors on the other side of us would gladly help, but my parents wouldn't call them. Probably wouldn't answer the phone, either.

5. Mom doesn't like my daughter. (Rolling eyes again!) She only lives five minutes away with her hubby and two kids and has told me over and over that she'd be there if need be. But, ...Mom doesn't like my daughter. I doubt she'd call her if anything happened. Just more to rub in on me. (Eyeroll.)

6. My son lives an hour away. Plus, since he hung the moon, they wouldn't want to bother him.

7. My dad actually turns off his computer and his cell phone at the end of the day. Wha-a-a-t?? So communication with him would be difficult. But it could be done. It freaks him out about the days at sea for us since he couldn't call me if need be. I'll have to check with the cruise line and see if there is a way for a ship to be contacted in an emergency. There must be. However, I would be reluctant to give this info to my mom.

I cannot think of any more right now.

Unfortunately, this whole ball of yarn will fall in my daughter's lap while we are gone. Wonder what she'll charge me?? :)



Sharon
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Go and have fun! My mom was the way. Even before she was elderly...she bated anyone having fun, she was jealous because she controlled herself so much when it came to fun. Go sail away and enjoy.
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Go and enjoy yourself. GardenArtist had a great list of things to do to mitigate any risk of being away from your folks. Personally, I'd go just to p*ss off mom!! :)
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Oh thankyou Dusty for NOT sharing!
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Our parents are going to die one day there is no certainty that anyone of us will be there when this happens as much as we would like to be there to say goodbye! We have to live our lives and when it happens it happens im afraid. This guilt trip she is putting on you is not fair. Go and have fun we may not make it to 80s?
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The elderly don't have the market cornered on serious health issues...many of us have husbands and children who've dealt with life threatening conditions. Grab the chance to travel while you and your husband are well.
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Go. Ignore emotional blackmail. Buy trip insurance.
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My aunt was 101 years old and in a NH, when her son went on his first trip to
Europe. She went on a hunger strike - - and lived to be a 103.
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I agree with everyone else! And, GardenArtist has the perfect plan :) So there's not anything I can add but.. HAVE FUN!!!! :)
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GO! You will be more reluctant as the years pass and as health issues actually do develop. If possible, arrange for friends or relatives to call or check in on them while you are gone. I traveled while my Mom was 97 and in an assisted living. My sister visited for a number of the days I was gone but . . . Book that cruise and sail away.
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Go - laugh, dance, drink mojitos.
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Bon voyage.
Tell mom, you will arrange for someone to drop by on a daily basis.
I take out insurance and IF a death happens, I would be willing to cut vacation short. I would not be willing to put life on hold waiting for the grim reaper, just because someone is old......could be a long wait.
There will be a time when travel will not be practical. I settled for staycations for the past 5 years. Dad passed. Mom is stable, sis is sharing the load. I sail for 7 days in July.
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Some random thoughts:

1. Mother is using emotional blackmail to control you.

2. Mother really IS afraid of being alone but isn't comfortable or willing to share that fear. The emphasis on your father's age is her way of telling you that they're getting older and "something" could happen. It may be generalized anxiety about being alone.

3. Get ahead of the "if something happens" issue and address whatever could happen with back-up methods.

a. I doubt if your mother would wear a life-alert pendant but your father probably would.

b. Install in-home, yard and pereimeter security if you can afford it. Some folks here have posted that they've used "nanny cams."

c. Let the good neighbors know about your plans, ask if they'll keep an eye on your house and alert them that your mother may create a scene to prove that they shouldn't be left alone. Don't ask them to intervene to take your place, but just to contact police if it appears that there are any real issues of concern.

d. If they're church members, contact their pastor, explain the situation and ask to have members come and visit your parents regularly, and take them to church functions if your mother will go (I doubt it though).

e. Find ways to address whatever else Mom thinks could happen. Prepare a list for your parents so that Mom knows how you've taken steps to care for you.

4. Take your parents out for dinner or a day trip a few days before you go to spend quality time with them, then take your own quality time.

I do understand the guilty feeling of wanting your own space; I went through that too, feeling as though I needed to be available 24/7 in case anything happened. Now we have some back-up in place (especially with the medical alert system), Meals on Wheels helped eliminate most of the grocery shopping, and I feel more free.

Good luck, and enjoy that cruise!
Good luck.
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Go! Enjoy yourself! My mom was the same way before the caregiving started. She once contacted the cruise ship I was honeymooning on under the auspices of an emergency. "It would've been an emergency had you not called me." ::eyeroll::

12 days of parent-free pleasure - I just realized I've never experienced that. Go!
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Thanks to all for your replies!

I agree with everyone.

But doing it is, as Ashlynne says, is foggy. It's funny how knowing what to do and doing it are WAY two different things!

But I think hubby and I are going to book it. It's over six months away. If something happens, we'll just cancel. Reluctantly. ;-)



And yes, Dad does stay out of the house to stay away from her. He only retired a couple of years ago. But she can wear him down...


Sharon
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I would definitely go! Your mother is a narcissist and you and your husband deserve a life! There is not one reason in my opinion not to go. Have fun!
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Feh. He's 82. So what? If I were you, with a mother like yours, I'd travel all the time. In fact, I'd even consider joining a traveling carnival and becoming a carnie just to get away from her.
Go. Travel. Let her have a tantrum. Bring her home a cheap (and hopefully ugly and tasteless) souvenir.
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Sail away, sail away, sail away.....
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