Smoking in the house. Any advice?

Nicotine addiction is terrible. After 60 years, she may need it more than laundry, meals, your company, etc., or her body tells her that. Do you pick up the cigarettes, have you tried the nicotine patches with her? Is it possible to restrict the smoking to one room with an excellent air cleaner? I assume you have fire detectors! IF she has caretakers, you might consider withdrawing your company and services for a spell and see if she can try to stick to the agreement. In the past, I saw a psychiatric unit stop all inside smoking due to new health hospital rules. It worked with lots of complaining. She won't stop if she is demented, stubborn, and a lifelong smoker, but she might bundle up if you insist. But it will be ugly; don't assume things will be friendly. However, you do have some leverage. And no facility will allow her to smoke in building if that is the next choice, or even outside the door. You might point that out. It will be cold turkey then. If she can live on her own (I am talking about legal limitations not rational ones), she may choose that. Those cigarettes are a god.

Mom still smoking at 99-2/3, but only in kitchen. Brother buys her cigs! Occasionally mom will "pretend smoke" in consideration to me. 2nd-hand smoke is almost as bad as smoking. As suggested in comments, I'll get another air purifier, a stronger exhaust fan, a smokeless ashtray. Is there a "pretend" cig I could buy (not vaping)?? Also, I try to make her eat before smoking. I say if you go into the kitchen, it is for eating, and smoking is after you eat -- because smoking kills the appetite. This smoking issue is huge for me, huge!

Dementia is a disease that requires 24-hour supervision. Your mother is not safe to be left alone In Your House or any place for even one second. Since she has smoked 60 years, her addition might be hard to break. It's either get home caregivers around the clock or place her in a facility for memory care. You are important and should no longer suffer second-hand smoke. You need a break for your own health.

Sadly, smoking is a strong addiction. People can't help themselves until they make their own decision to quit. But you also have to consider her cargivers' health (including your own). Can you ask her to smoke only in one room (have a designated smoking room), that you can stay out of? Open the windows in the room when she is not there to clear the air, and get an air purifier for that room to absorb some of the smoke, or if you can, have a "negative" ventilation system, that draws air out of the room to the outside. Please don't take this personnaly as disrespecting you. She can't help it. But do try to find a way to have a healthy environment for yourself and her caregivers.

She's been chain smoking for 60 years and you thought she would stop? Come on.

Here are two very different strategies to think about:

1) Is it possible that mother feels ‘dis-empowered’ by you ‘taking over her life’ (with the best intentions, of course). Is this a deliberate way to pit her independence against something that you want her to do? If that’s possible, is there any way to give her more choices? Ask her for her own ideas about how to solve the problem? Keep warm with a woolen 'smoking jacket' like Sherlock Holmes, plus a woolie cap?

2) Lay it on the line: ‘M, when we made this arrangement, you had always smoked outside, not in the house. I expected that would continue. If I had known that caring for you would mean I was breathing cigarette smoke all day, I would never have suggested this, or bought the house next door to mine for you to live in. It’s not just that it’s not good for me, I simply hate the smell. I also hate that it causes so many arguments between us. If there is no alternative, we will have to find a different living arrangement, one that works for both of us’.

Put her in a facility. If she really cares so little about her health that she smokes, why should you bother with dealing with or caregiving for her? You'll kill yourself if she keeps smoking at home.

I really hope you don't have minor children in the home for this disgusting person to give cancer to. You have to have a special kind of sick mind to harm kids by insisting on smoking, especially your own grandchildren.

You're also killing the value of your house by allowing her to smoke inside.
Kick her out, like tomorrow.

My Mom smoked in my house also, I have to agree with the air purifiers,, they worked great for us , and still do as hubs smokes . Something that worked for a friend who smoked, and her mom who lived with her.. if you have a garage can you set up a smoking area in there? She used outdoor chairs and a small table with an ashtray, and they were both pretty happy with it. Maybe open the door a bit from the the bottom to let some air in and moving. Good luck with this, it's nearly impossible to get them to quit after 60 years,, and I am an RT !

I think you are missing the bigger picture here. You say you want to stay healthy for your kids. Caregiving for your demented mother will probably kill you faster than worrying about second hand smoke.

Stress is the number one killer that can lead to strokes, heart attacks, and other physical or mental health issues. Many times the caregiver dies before the demented elder.

Eventually as your mom's needs increase something will have to give. Even with part time caregivers you are still doing the lions share of the work.

If Mom is suffering from Dementia there is no reasoning with her, she has lost the ability. Also, she has short-term memory loss so does not remember what u told her. All her brain knows is that she smokes.

I too would be concerned in her being alone and smoking. My Dad was with it and would fall asleep with a cigarette in his hand. I would, too, suggest that you wear a mask when in her house. As said, your fighting a losing battle.

I gave up and just kind of accepted it. She blows smoke right in your face while you're doing her feeding tube and stuff, she smoked during the flood around me while I was pouring gasoline into the generator, she leaves ashes everywhere, she smokes in my car and gets mad that there's no ashtray in the car (which I guess used to be a thing??) So she just ashes right in the floor of the car. You just kind of stop caring about whether you die or not at some point.

I know that sounds depressing, but you have to pick your battles and that won't kill you instantly the way some things they do will, so you have to just kind of get used to the idea that your own safety is secondary to some of their whims and realistically that's just how it is or you'll stay miserable.

If you're fighting a losing battle, be prepared to either fight it forever or let it go. Some things can't be changed.

You live in Dallas Texas, so surely it’s not really freezing outside. Many houses have a laundry with a back door to the outside. If mother smoked in there, with the back door open and the door to the rest of the house closed, would that work for both of you? You could even have a little radiant heater on a timer, for her to sit close to.

If mother won’t compromise at all, point out to her that if she has to move to a facility, she is not going to be able to smoke inside – perhaps not smoke at all.

I’d treat her as I would any other addict. I’d help her get treatment for her addiction. But I wouldn’t expect her to accept it.

My mom is also addicted to cigarettes and smokes around me and my brother which is yet ANOTHER reason I am working on untethering myself from her as soon as possible

I don't smoke

You chose to buy a house next to her, you choose to sit there all day with her, those were your choices. You knew she was addicted to cigarettes.

She is not going to change, is there really a reason that you need to sit with her all day? If not, don't, protect your health, cut down on the time you spend with her explain to her why, set your boundaries and stick to them.

The ball is in your court.

I’d just buy mom a juul vape pen.

If she’s been smoking for 60 years, this is now one of those “accept what you can’t change” type of situations. Or in other words, harm reduction.

My sister the surgeon says they’re very preferable to inhaling the organic matter in cigarettes. Plus there is no fire risk.

So, as an ex-smoker I have a bit of a different approach. 1st off, you can't just cold turkey her off cigarettes. After 60 years, that would be cruel and potentially dangerous.

Have you considered a vaping product? I used ones that looked like real cigarettes to help me quit. I wanted to quit and it took many tries and lots of different approaches to find what worked but, if your mom isn't ready, nothing is going to work and I believe, you will create a monster by forcing her. Especially with dementia, which causes fixation and that is a real consideration. However, it could be a good solution for her nicotine addiction. Which, I can say was the hardest thing I have ever quit in my life, and I drank and did illegal drugs when I was young and cigarettes were by far the hardest thing physically to stop.

Time to look at real solutions to the issue.

Get a couple of good air purification units for the areas she smokes in. Get her smokeless ashtrays, they really do help keep the smoke out of the air. Change the furnace filter monthly. You can even buy sheets that lay on your filter and blow fragrance through the vents. I put essential oils on 9x9 squares of cotton to freshen the entire house. Because it is a layered effort to keep the smell away, you have to try different things.

I found pet odor candles and oil candles to really eliminate the odor, to the point people thought I didn't smoke in my home.

When you enter the house, ask her to put her cigarette out and move them away so she doesn't light up while you are there.

Give her hard candies, this serves a couple of purposes, it gives her something to do with her mouth and using peppermint, cinnamon and lemon candies gets rid of tobacco breath. My cousin used cinnamon sticks so he hand both his hands and mouth busy.

Regular cleaning and odor removal products (i liked fabreze) help keep the home from getting stale. Opening the windows for a few minutes everyday will help too. I would do this midday during cold months.

I would set up a place for her to smoke that has the least amount of flammable items as possible. Think tile. You can put tile on top of coffee tables, you can have a handyman build a tile square to put over the carpet, those kinds of solutions.

I would put up smoke detectors in every room of the house, just in case she starts a fire. You can put up monitored ones that notify you and 911 or just you.

Yes, it is some effort and work to implement solutions but, you sound very determined to do this. Oh, when you hire caregivers, make sure you make it clear it is a smoking household, you will be surprised at how many of them smoke or vape.

Most importantly, please get educated on dementia. Unless you have 1st hand experience, you are in for a rollercoaster ride of frustration, anger, upset and total chaos. Because your mom, as you have always known her is slipping away, you are now the responsible adult in the relationship and need to find ways that accomplish your goals without harming her.

Best of luck. Dementia is awful and just when you have found a solution, bam, she declines and you start over. Being prepared by understanding the disease will save you much heartache. Hugs!

What happens when the dementia progresses to her wandering away when she’s outside smoking? What happens when the dementia progresses to her forgetting about a lit cigarette and causing a fire? What happens when hired caregivers refuse to work in a smoky environment and breathe second hand smoke? Please stop fighting with your mom, she’s truly no longer capable of rational decision making. Consider whether you can or cannot control the finances to the point of cutting off the cigarettes (and be prepared for an addicted person with dementia to rain hell down on you if you do cut off the cigarettes) And consider this whole plan and whether it’s a good one both for now and in the time to come.

Maybe you should wear an N95 mask around her.

No, she doesn't care about cigarettes more than she cares about you. She is seriously addicted to tobacco. She has dementia, which means that any argument or agreements about all this will work less and less and less and eventually this will end in a fire as likely as not, so I hope that your insurance is really good. I am sorry, but this lifelong habit is very unlikely to be cured in an elder suffering from dementia until there is in facility care and someone else handling the pursestrings so tobacco isn't purchased. At that the withdrawal would be severely stressful. I am sorry. The news here is bad.

If she's not living in your house, but a house you bought for her, then it's her house. Meaning she is entitled to smoke in it if she so desires. What made you think she'd change a hugely addictive behavior after practicing it for 60 years? And suffering from dementia which makes her impossible to reason with and lacking empathy now?

I wouldn't expect an elder with dementia to be going outside in freezing temperatures to smoke, to be honest with you. So stop arguing with her and allow her to live as she sees fit in the house you bought for her.

If you don't want to breathe in second hand smoke, hire caregivers (on her dime) to care for her exclusively now. Let her know why you're doing so, but don't expect her to be compassionate about your position....dementia makes an elder extremely self centered and lacking awareness of other's needs and desires.

She may start fires with her cigarettes too, since dementia is at play now. We had a poster here who's mother burned down her house due to smoking with dementia. In reality, a demented elder needs 24/7 care either at home or in managed care where smoking indoors is prohibited.

To parrot what CTNN55 said to you, how did you become the solution to your mother's caregiving needs?? Most people have no idea what dementia is all about, how it progresses, what the care requirements will be, or how truly dangerous it is for an elder to be alone for even a brief amount of time. While your intentions were good, you may not have realized what a kettle of fish you were getting into here!

I suggest you read a 33 page booklet which is a free download online, it's called Understanding the Dementia Experience by Jennifer Ghent Fuller. She also has a book under the same name you can purchase on Amazon. She'll give you a good idea of what dementia is all about and what life is like from mom's perspective. It's a very informative read.

Good luck to you.

If she always smoked in her own house, why did you think she would stop smoking in yours? From your profile: "I am caring for my mother Sue, who is 79 years old, living in my home with alzheimer's / dementia, anxiety, broken hip, depression, incontinence, lung disease, and mobility problems."

You had an unrealistic expectation of her. Why did you move her in? How did you become the solution to her caregiving needs?

Why are you giving up your life for her?