I recently bought the house next door and moved my mother, who has dementia and other ailments in, to take care of her. I have part time caregivers and I do the rest. My mother is a big time chain smoker for 60 years. I have asked one thing of her since moving her in and that is not to smoke in the house. I hate the smell and don’t want to end up with second hand smoke problems for myself. She refuses to do this one thing because it’s cold outside. Every day we end up in a fight about it. I do everything for her. Meals, laundry, care, changing, finances. Literally everything. I feel like I should have the one decency of not having to breathe in cigarette smoke. She cares about cigarettes more than me or literally anything in earth. What would you do?
So.......others have suggested E- cigarettes, good idea to try.
Story for you:
Some COPD patients addicted to smoking still smoke even with oxygen in the house, medical care in the home direction not to smoke with oxygen. Signs up in the house, " do not smoke, oxygen in use";. they still smoke !!!
I hate smoke from cigarettes. Relatives who smoke and I are challenged by their need to smoke.
Some go outside but, if at their house they can do whatever they want; I avoid being there.
You knew your mother smoked when you moved her in and, you knew your limitations with smoke.
Personally I cannot stand to even be around the E cigarette " smoke" , " vapor" or whatever they puff out...even walking down the street if someone in front of me puffs on it, it bothers me.....
I hate going in homes where people smoke; had to do this for years with my work.....tough tough situation.
You have self care rights.
Your mother has patient rights.
Somehow a compromise will be needed and, when it comes to addictions like smoking , it is not easy !!
Good luck !
I lived in a house with smokers.
Parents and grand parents all died of smoking related cancers.
HOWEVER
YOU knew mom smoked.
YOU know she has smoked for most of her life.
SHE has dementia. (Unless you can convince her that she quit smoking she won't quit now)
I think you have picked a battle you will not win.
If she has caregivers 24/7 or you are there when they are not and you really want no smoking in the house then instruct the caregivers to bundle her up and take her outside when she wants to smoke. And not just into the garage as that smoke will still enter the house.
If you have to get one of the "tent" like shelters or put up a shed so that she is "comfortable" do so.
Or just tell her no smoking, tell caregivers no smoking, remove her cigarettes and deal with the withdrawal and all that goes with it. It is possible that patches might help but there is a physical aspect to smoking and that is part of the habit.
Or place mom in Memory Care and the staff can take her outdoors when she wishes to smoke.
A person with dementia will connive and/or lie to get their wants / needs met.
Yes. Burning the house down is a major point to consider.
And, she could be in the house at that time. Daughter wouldn't want to have to deal with this tragedy. Best to move her elsewhere.
I used everything I knew about and could get my hands on, and it worked. So I wonder if your implementing some of these things might help her change habits or reduce her smoking, even in spite of her total lack of interest in doing so.
--Maybe you can supply her with vape products and ask her to vape if she wants to smoke when you *or anybody else* is in the house and she doesn't want to go outside. Note: it is mostly the *smoke* in smoking that is the killer, not so much the nicotine. That's why patches, gum, or vaping really are a lot better, as a total or even partial solution. They deliver enough of the chemicals in a cigarette to quell the craving and prevent side effects of withdrawal for many people.
--Is there any chance at all that you could engage her in trying out a bunch of different vapes and giving her opinions about them? This occurs to me as a way to shift from the situation where you're looking her to make her stop doing something (not smoke in house) and she has to hold her position of refusing. Ideally - not accompanied by any talk from you about how you feel about smoking -- more like, could you try this?
--And: PLEASE find out what kind of mask would protect you most (not 100% probably) from secondhand smoke, and always wear one in her house, *and* please also supply them for her caretakers -- I know they aren't the focus, but I am thinking of how it is for them to have to go to work in a smoker environment. I recall that a main argument for forbidding smoking in bars and restaurants at least where I live was that staff had to be exposed to the real health danger of second-hand smoke. (If they say they don't care, of course that's their call.)
--I will also throw this in though it's probably irrelevant: in my case, the use of Zyban was a big help. Zyban has been shown in studies for that purpose to be helpful to people re: quitting smoking, as it overcomes a lot of withdrawal symptoms. (It is actually a new use and new name of an antidepressant that's been around for awhile, Welbutrin.)
I would get very depressed if I stopped smoking. Zyban stopped this. I know she is totally unmotivated but -- it is a moderate anti-depressant and might be worth discussing with her doctor. IF she could take it without a bad interaction with something else, I'd look to sell it to her as something to cheer her up/help her feel better, something like that.
"Third hand" smoke can be just as deadly.
Drywall sometimes has to be removed, flooring and insulation as it becomes imbedded with many chemicals not just nicotine.
the danger with third hand smoke is not lungs but touching/contacting surfaces is a problem. (the risk is greater for children since they touch everything and everything goes into the mouth. but any contact can pose a problem)
Sedation can also be offered by a Geriatric Psychiatrist.
You said, "Every day we end up in a fight about it." Please stop.
Compassion with some assistance (perhaps sedation) is a wise way of avoiding crisis; compromise is the only way to create a win-win situation.
Your profile says that she has lung disease - I assume from 60 years of chain smoking. And she's still smoking.
If you allow her to continue to smoke, then I think you'll have to just let go of where she smokes. Trying to monitor where she lights up is more than I'd want to deal with.
She's also got dementia and I agree with another post that she could burn the house down or burn herself at the very least.
So. If it were me in your shoes, I would take the matches, lighters and cigs out of the house, never to return. See if her doctor can write a script or recommend something that will help her with her cravings.
Or maybe get her some hard candy or some Nicorette gum to keep her mouth busy and a puzzle to keep her hands and mind busy.
One upside of dementia is that they forget fairly quickly, so maybe without cigs for awhile, she'll forget about them.
She either stops smoking (or vaps instead ???) or moves to a facility.
They won't allow her to smoke there either.
In other words, do not put up with this. Yes, its cold outside.
She will argue. No question about that.
I wouldn't put myself and my own health in jeopardy due to her making her own choices. Choices have consequences. She may need to move into her own place,
away from you.
I do wonder though - did you wait until she moved in . . . waited until after you purchased the property ... before making this request of her ... knowing it is a 60 year addiction / habit? Did you have any pre-discussions about it / the rules / your wishes before she moved in?
With dementia, she will only want to do what she wants to do. There is no two ways about this. Even w/o having dementia, it would be a very difficult situation for her - to change (or want to) after sixty years.
You either deal with it (and the consequences of your qualify of life / health) or make other arrangements for her to live elsewhere.
Gena
However, it’s not safe, either.
You are clearly motivated to help your mom, seemingly thanklessly. I see no easy solution here. You can’t force her to not smoke in the house.
If you threatened to sell the house, do you think she could modify her behaviour? I am guesding, no.
Is there any way to get her into an ALF or memory care facility? That would be my first choice. It would relieve you of the worry and work. If there’s not the money, could you rent the house for an amount to contribute to her living in a facility?
If not, could you designate one room in the house as the smoking room?
Wishing you luck.
After she died I was cleaning out her house. I tried to donate the couch to Habitat for Humanity and they picked up the cushions that had been flipped over and said we can't take this couch because these cushions are burnt. Every single couch cushion had a huge burn mark in it and she hid it by flipping the cushions over and covering them in blankets. When I saw that I almost threw up. She could barely get up and move around, she actually had one of those electric scooters IN THE HOUSE and that's how she got from one room to the next. I don't know how she was able to put the fires out and not get burnt seeing as how she could barely move and definitely couldn't move fast.
Just a word of caution of what could happen...
I was wondering if the patio is enclosed at all or if it could be made into an Arizona room? I saw a tiny room that was obviously meant for smoking and it was really perfect. Half walls on bottom and big windows all around.
I think that sometimes new environments create fear when any dementia is present and maybe mom feels insecure in her new surroundings and that stops her from going out the door.
Just some thoughts. I know smoking is so obnoxious when you don't smoke.