Cared for mom in FL for 7 yrs /6 mo/yr+this summer (Sister-5 summers) I want 2 wks to with kids in AZ. Makes excuses, won't help. Not fair. mom with our son for pickup. Excuse- decided to buy a car Where did that come from? And she left for meeting with her friend at her cottage. This is typical and usual according to mom. She tried to dump mom on our son. I told her I wanted to see my family in AZ for two weeks plus I might need cataract surgery. Got a call-sure, will take mom for whole month of Oct. Shortly after called to say no, "her husband had fishing trip with friends and wives". (For whole month, I doubt it!) I gave her four months notice. I can't go in winter and I can't go in summer. She didn't ASK about my keeping mom all the time, she demanded it. I skipped going to visit my son's family already once this summer. My husband has to go alone while I stay back with mom. There's much more. Mom and I are arguing because she ALWAYS side with sis. Sis is executris and has power of Attorney. I have to have permission for things that effect me and I don't like it. Sis is an Alpha wolf, irresponsible with money and tried to get mom's condo in her name with mom's. I've had it. I've been called a liar, demeaned, and bullied. To complicate everything, mom's health is going bad. She has pneumonia, is incontinent, fell and has hurt herself. We have been transporting her to Sis doctor many miles away. Can we do anything to resolve this? We want to see a lawyer about what I have to do if she demands it. Can we make her do anything? I've had it! She kept insisting I solve the problem of caring for mom in October, I think she should solve the problem. Any ideas of how I can require her to be more responsible, legal or otherwise?
My brothers have said, several times, they will help with Dad, while we go on a vacation.
Up till now Dad had been still (sort of) capable of being on his own, so all they needed to do was come visit for a day, sometime during the week. If each of them just came for one day visit, Dad would have had someone with him most of the time. But the help never materializes. Always something "comes up". One time we were gone for five nights. It had been arranged that each one would come once. When we got home, we found that no one had come at all. .....I was not surprised.
So lately I've been just setting up his pill box, and a back up box, and cook several days meals for him. Make sure the senior center shuttle driver knows that Dad will be on his own for a few days and go anyway. Keeping the trips short.
But that is likely over. There is no longer anyone in this city to be a back up emergency call person, and Dad's mental functioning is significantly worse. So I don't know what to do. I've been arguing with him about the respite care idea for several weeks now, but he is completely uncooperative with it. And now we have passed up the "advance notice" time frame that they need, in order to take him.
So here we are, debating whether or not we can go on a vacation that is already, non-refundably paid for. And I have no faith that anyone will come this time either. If I go off, and something happens while we're gone, I'll feel terrible. And who do you think everyone will blame?
This all makes me remember:
I am a retired RN. We used to frequently get patients that we called "holiday dump-off". These were elderly people who's family would essentially drop them off at the ED, and then take off on their weekend, or vacation, or (most frequently) just have their big Christmas party, without all the issues that having a dementia patient around, would entail. When I was young, I thought it was terrible, but now I totally understand.
If it runs down your mother's savings, so be it. It is for her care and just keep good records. You have to have some help. You will be able to figure out after some chance to catch up with your family and get your eyes addressed --exactly where you stand and how mom is doing.
Don't let your sister dictate the tune. She is going to remain useless. Ask her to kick in some money for mom's care--she will not but it will shut her up for awhile.
Keeping your mom with care in your home while you go to AZ is best for her. She isn't in shape for a long trip to the sister's home anyway. She should have offered to come and care for mom in your home. She isn't putting her mom's needs ahead of her own. You have and you deserve and will be a better caregiver with a clear head from a respite from the daily grind of caregiving.
Sorry for your sister, but you need to focus on what's best from you, your mom and your family. Get your mother some home health coverage and go to AZ as planned. :)