My sister kidnapped my dad from a home and says she will sue the rest of family for parental abuse. Thoughts?

I have no idea where Mum is going. She doesn't let the doctors, nurses talk to anyone in the family except Karen. I suspect she will be sent to a nursing home, her worst nightmare as she always said she would never go to one! She had 2 failed hip replacements so she will never walk unaided again.

I have re-read this story numerous times and still don't understand what you're angry about. Nursing home care STINKS!!! In the US, low-paid aides "care" for 10-15 people. Many are as helpless as babies but weigh 100-200 pounds. It is impossible to relieve quality care in these institutions. Wouldn't you rather live with your child in a mansion than be neglected in a crappy nursing home? If your mum's worst nightmare is going to a nursing home, do you think your dad wants to be in one? Do YOU hope to be in one? If your sister lives in a mansion she probably has the means to care for your dad. Why is it wrong for her pay THEIR bills with his pension? She's not using it for HER OWN bills. How do you expect their bills to be paid? And no one was "kidnapped." Unless your dad was declared legally incompetent in a court of law, he can live and do whatever he wants. I am 53 and my daughter is my POA. She cannot tell me what to do, and there's no "magic date" when she can. POA allows you to manage money on the other person's behalf. NOT TO RUN THEIR LIFE. This is a huge misunderstanding. My guess is that he'd rather live in his daughter's mansion than in a crappy nursing home. Who wouldn't? Am I missing something here???? Why does everyone think you're sister is crazy???? Please explain.

Wintersun, her sister is crazy because she wants to care for her father at home? What is wrong with you people??? I hope to God one of my kids takes me in to their home. If rather die than live in a nursing home.

The laws are different in Australia, but your profile says Beverly Hills.

Hi Angrydaughter,

Welcome back.

As you describe this, it was not just a kidnapping. She took him straight to a lawyer. I share your amazement at the speed.

Given this situation, I stand with the others who say, "Walk away and forget it." Letting go is the hardest thing we have to do in life but it is so worth it. There is pain. But there is also the freshness of a new perspective and a new start. Consider that now your sister (in the mansion) is now responsible for the debts!

Don't waste any more time brooding about this. Let it go and focus on the positive things in your life.

i believe that whoever has POA will inherit your mother's debts???? See what people add to this?

Three questions for you :-
a)Is your dad legally liable to pay your mother debt( you have not clarified)if not, then no one can touch his account for a wife in separation or not dependent (who was responsible for your mum ???)
b) you have sat doing nothing when you had a POA to protect your father , if POA is revoked now she is responsible though you can contest the POA stating your father condition but then your absence and silence is doubtful.POA can't be taken lightly
c) consult a lawyer is my sincere advice as siblings can play blame card easily

POAs do not take on parents debt. Its just a tool to handle the finances when they no longer can. If when parents die with no estate the debtors lose out. No parent is responsible for adult childrens debts and children are not responsible for parents debt. Sign nothing that makes u responsible. Collectors will do anything to get a debt paid. There r laws that protect us from them.

Don't worry, if it was a kidnapping, the NSA and the FBI are all over it by automatically crawling or trolling for key words on public social media websites such as AC.

I am in australia but put down a us post code just to be included. The nursing home my Dad was in was really good and he had made some friends and seemed to be perking up.My sister might have a mansion but I doubt DAD wants to be holed up there without seeing any other relatives/people. Police didnt want to do anything as my father walked out on his own free will, even though he would've walked out with a stranger if they knew his name.

Right. I can imagine. This is such a difficult stage. People just don't understand that what can look "normal" can be totally dysfunctional.

Angry I have private messaged you but for everyone if you SUSPECT abuse of a vulnerable person and DO NOTHING you are guilty of perpetuating abuse by neglect in many places certainly in the UK so before you say walk away - just think on the person being left behind who IS VULNERABLE AND DOES NEED TO BE SAFEGUARDED. I am saving the vitriole for my next posting

Trust me, in-home care with family is far superior to any nursing home (at least in the US).

Not in every case it isn't especially as diseases progress and home carers haven't a real clue as to how to handle some issues or who are worn out past the point of no return

My brother is POA, and dumped my parents into a nursing home when I was willing to care for them myself. They were hosed down once a week, received no oral care, and my mom's medication got so screwed up that she could not function. She was never helped to eat or drink. And this was at the "best place in town."

The IF that was the case and I personally don't believe it for one moment you had a DUTY to report it simultaneously to your brother and to the authorities - if you didn't that YOU neglected her too.

I'd like to understand, because my parents now receive great private care at home, my mom weighs 130 pounds, and my entire family still hates me.

Private care in home in not a financially viable option for many - it isn't covered by most insurances where there is only one person in receipt of care but two people might make this viable.

Nursing home care STINKS!!! In the US, low-paid aides "care" for 10-15 people.

Nursing home care does NOT STINK in all cases and it is so very wrong of you to generalise. As with any care nome private care or nursing care or ALF care it HAS TO BE MONITORED to ensure it works for the person concerned. A lot of people thrive in a NH because they get to socialise with people of their own age

Many are as helpless as babies but weigh 100-200 pounds. It is impossible to receive quality care in these institutions. Wouldn't you rather live with your child in a mansion than be neglected in a crappy nursing home? If your mum's worst nightmare is going to a nursing home, do you think your dad wants to be in one? Do YOU hope to be in one? If your sister lives in a mansion she probably has the means to care for your dad. Why is it wrong for her pay THEIR bills with his pension? She's not using it for HER OWN bills. How do you expect their bills to be paid? And no one was "kidnapped." Unless your dad was declared legally incompetent in a court of law, he can live and do whatever he wants.

Firstly it is absolutely possible to receive good care in fact excellence in care is what most NH strive for ....and achieve for their staff are trained. I would rather live with people I saw and spoke to and could make friends with any day over living alone in a mansion isolated from everyone except the people who made me stay there. Its not just about being comfortable it is about social emotional physical spiritual well being too not forgetting financial well being

I am 53 and my daughter is my POA. She cannot tell me what to do, and there's no "magic date" when she can. POA allows you to manage money on the other person's behalf. NOT TO RUN THEIR LIFE. This is a huge misunderstanding.

Actually there is a magic date and that date is the date when a professional declares you to be incapable of making sound decisions and at that point your POA can pretty much run your life as long as they do so in your best interests. POA for finance allows you to manage their finances in their best interests BUT POA for health and well being means that the POA should be aware of the persons wishes and act as far as is appropriate within those guidelines

My guess is you are just trying to stir things up but just in case you are serious this is my explanation:

The nursing home was was really good, he had made friends and was thriving. No need to remove him
There is doubt thatt DAD wants to be holed up in a mansion without seeing any other relatives/people.
Thats social abuse a violation of safeguarding laws
Police didnt want to do anything as my father walked out on his own free will,
even though he would've walked out with a stranger if they knew his name.
THATS the inadequacy - a system that doesn't understand that HOME CARE IS NOT ALWAYS best

Jude,

I think you reversed your opinion form the beginning to the end of your message. did you?

In any case, we really do have to stop generalizing.

Elders who might get short shrift in a nursing home, might also be battered with no one to see or report it in the private home of their children. Where are they better off?

Many people who "dump" their parents in AL or a NH live thousands of miles away but are keeping their parents near the rest of the family. For them, there is little alternative.

The bottom line is that each case and set of factors is different and needs its own solution. We don't help each other with sweeping generalizations..

I think what Jude was doing was quoting from the OP's post and refuting.

Thats exactly it Babalou I was quite incensed that you can criticise everything when in fact it isn't the CARE system that is usually the problem its the support services like police, banks, insurance companies that are unable to see past a one size fits all - it doesn't fit
and it never will

There is no way my Dad could pay Mum's debts as he too is on a pension. I got P.O.A as I thought I could protect Dad from my mother and sister in care. To contest the POA now would be a long and arduous process and as Dad's memory is going , I'm not sure if it is worth it.Dad was much better off in a nursing home. The home he was in had great staff and I couldn't believe how chatty he was after only one day there. People need social stimuli and he wasnt seeing anyone except me at home. Now he is at my sister's place he is back in that same situation.As there are wait lists on homes here, he could be at her place for who know's how long.I am thinking she will lose her patience with him before that time. I'm hurt that this can happen so easily in the first place and then nothing can get done until it's too late!

angry, you say your dad didn't know what he was signing? on what are you basing this; you said your dad's memory was slipping, I think? is that it?

I do see where you just said that about his memory; not sure exactly what's going on, but do know my dad had been a very chatty person as well but as his memory, too, began to go, he became much less so and eventually I believe he would not have been able to handle the stimulation of such an environment; how long had he been there?

His exact words were,''Karen took me to (solicitors name) and got me to sign some papers. I asked him what they were and he said, " I don't know, I just signed where they wanted me to"

You could always play dumb and ring the solicitors and ask them - say something like I am ever so concerned....Dad keeps telling me that he signed some papers but when I asked him what he has signed he doesn't know what. All he says is that he signed where they wanted him to. Of course if you do do that you will have given them the heads up that a challenge might be imminent, but it might be worth doing just so that they know you are aware.

Depends if the POA and guardianship were made at the time your father was diagnosed by a doctor as cognitive and therefore its still valid that you are the legal POA and guardian of your father. If since the POA your father's cognition has declined, then his authorization and signature is not valid today, so therefore you are still legal POA.of your dad and can be contested. Unless ofcourse you dont wish to dispute your sister and have valid reason to believe your father will be well taken care of by her.

oh, angry, I'd be angry at those lawyers, too; sorry just now seeing this, this happened with my dad over somebody - well, one of his grandsons - taking him to cosign on a car loan for them - now, granted, dad did tell them he wasn't paying - not sure if that was in response to be asked if he understood or being told he would be responsible but the first car lot - that the guy knew dad and somewhat suspected something anyway because of that - when he said that wouldn't go ahead with the deal but the second one didn't care and it got to be a big issue - so....not sure how you want to handle but might have a case against them as well...