We live in California (don't know if California Code pertains to some of the children who currently don't assist parent financially).
My sister specifically said I was not to go to mom's house as I stir her up too much and it causes her Crohn's to flare up. Mom agrees with her (sister has put mom totally dependent on her). She writes when she wants money "for mom". I don't send anything, but one brother sends her money (cash) every month without no thank you from mom or sister. Sister has promised mom that she would take care of her forever.
Question is: if sister decides to place mom in a NH or AL can she come after us for money?
Back in 2011, mom was diagnosed with early dementia and now things are better (according to sister). I didn't know once diagnosed with dementia, iyou could get better from it.
I have my MIL living with us. My Husband is an only child so we don't have to deal with siblings. She had a stroke 18 mos ago but also has Dementia, Psychosis, high anxiety disorder, and clinical depression. For now we are caring for her and I am her POA. Even with that I am not required to fund her care from my private assets. (but I'm not in CA). We just had my FIL pass away from similar dementia etc in a nursing home so this isn't my first time down this road. I am a big supporter in lets find the best care for a parent and that doesn't always mean at home with family. I know for me once my MIL can't bath herself, toilet herself, starts to roam etc then I will be looking for a nursing home for her where professionally trained staff can give her the care she deserves to have.
I have an elder attorney that keeps me on track legally because with the Omama Care plan that still is in flux things can change monthly - so well worth the money. There are lots of agencies out there that can assist with lots of care items that are covered by Medicare, you just have to have to apply for them on your mothers behalf (if she has been declared incompetent). I actually get a few times a year grant money to help pay for Adult Day Care expenses from one of the local agencies in my area. Just received $1300 to pay for 2 months worth of care. Also because her income is just SS to live on there are lots of assistance programs out there to help pay for groceries, etc. but they have to be applied for and many folks don't want "charity" etc.
Is your sister Legally the POA or legal guardian (court would have to have been involved for guardianship) and if so has the POA been activated with a doctors note? If not then technically your mother is still considered to be responsible for herself and can still sign documents etc. That should be put in place before mom gets any worse.
In the end my feeling is if you are giving money then you should have a say as to what to do with mom, be able to visit anytime you want (even without money), and if sis doesn't like that then she can take full responsibility both financially and physically.
Is your unwillingness to contribute to Mom's finances based on your own financial inability, your belief that Mom does not/should not need financial help, your conflicts with your sister, your relationship with your mother, or ??
Things would certainly go more smoothly if you and your siblings could discuss an overall plan for Mother and have some basic agreements in place.
I don't know what the standards are for the children to be of sufficient means nor could I find out just how much the children would be asked to pay.
If you have the means and decide to help your Mom out I would not just hand money over to your sister, perhaps you could assume some of the grocery shopping or bill paying. If it were me I would also look further into visitation. Has you sister given you any reason WHY your visits are upsetting to your Mom? Have you seen evidence of this yourself?
Your story makes me sad. I'm sorry your sister is keeping you from seeing your Mom.
Dementia is such a fooler. I have and am going through that experience and only a brain scan reveals how far along the patient is. I'm not sure what your sister knows about dementia but it gets ugly. Please be thankful that she is doing this for now. Your mom, in her next stages, could turn on her. You never mentioned mom's age.
That being said, owning a home still brings on costs. Beg to differ over home costs being cheaper as older homes do require upgrades. Roofs, electrical, plumbing and elder upgrades are quite pricey. If your mom lives in a newer home, then all should be good. This is not what I have experienced.
Please consider this. Our society is pushing to live longer. Unfortunately, as medicine has provided this, it was never realized that their success has created new issues for the aging that are in the process of being addressed -- the costs, the environment they live in and how can they be cared for. If you have some dollars you can spare, please consider helping. But only you can decide that. Folks living off of minimum wages or even $15.00, with benefits (or without), can hardly afford to take care of themselves let alone their parents. And there is the need for all of you to be putting money away for your own elder care if you are reaching that age.
Keep us posted about what you hear about California, please.
Now I do think if your sister is the primary care giver, a meeting should be held to figure out how much money is required each month for mom to live at home. The sister has to be able to leave home and have someone a companion or home health aide stay with mom to make sure she is safe. That isn't "free" so money will be needed. Also what type of retirement plan, ss, medicare (medicare part b or d fees) does mom have. Once someone is disabled many thing medical equipment, canes, walkers, hospital beds, bed rails and on and on is needed some paid by medicare but most not covered. Expect to pay in the neighborhood of $500 to $1000 a month on the things needed which are not covered, and insurance costs.
Yet all of the at home costs pale in comparison to what it costs to care for the person in a NH. Most people are not able to pay for it but the cost is shifted to the public by Medicaid. NH are not crazy about having Medicaid patients as they are not able to charge the individual the higher rates for care. Basically Medicaid patients are given charity care. Not the retirement most have or would have planned for themselves.
I would see if the 3 children could come up with a monthly dollar amount to cover mom's needs. If mom has savings for a rainy day, it is raining and the funds need to make her days comfortable.
Good luck. Taking care of an elder is costly, it just is.
As a matter of fact, I do accept your point of view: that if your sister wants to throw herself on the alter of caring for darling mama then that's her business; that you are not and shouldn't be held responsible for your mother's decisions; that people who are asking for favours would be wise to be a little more gracious about it. The difficulty is that you're talking to people who are bruised and battered from the reality of 24/7 care for elders - it does nothing for our manners or our tempers, and I imagine the same thing goes for your sister. Be as generous as you can.