I'm in a real funk after talking to one of my sisters yesterday. She is angry with me for walking away from my father who was 88 at the time (two years ago). I've put up with both verbal and physical abuse since I was a kid - hands around my throat with him threatening to knock my teeth in. I had been knocked to the floor and dragged by the hair of my head when I was just a kid. Even told me one time he couldn't stand to look at me. I could go on. There were 5 kids in the family and the 1st three of us had to put up with the bullying. I attribute their mental health issues to his actions. The younger siblings never experienced it at all, esp my youngest sister who thinks he's wonderful. I had had enough after the last angry outburst from him and decided that it was best for my well being and state of mind to simply walk - no contact for two years. Now he's in hospital with Leukemia I found it yesterday and my sister is upset that I've dumped all his care giving on them. I have offered to assist financially only. It's hard esp. since I am the oldest (now 65). I cannot be in the same room with him at all. I feel absolutely no love towards him what so ever. I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that I'm now totally cut off because everyone is upset with me. Feeling depressed and as if I'm the only one who sees the clear picture of what a complete jerk my father has always been. Anyone else experience this??
Now don't tell him you feel sorry for him. Pray for him that the Holy Spirit would convict him and give him dreams about how he has behaved all your life. The best thing you can do is help see you are able to see fit to help him heal his broken body before he leaves this world-- THAT will be the best "revenge" .. and you will seriously gain status in the family's eyes... might even keep some of them from going down the bad road he has been on. IF you have access to a church pastor, go see him or her... and you learn how to pray for a soul that is in such bondage. Good luck, God bless.
I had a very similar past with my mother. Her behavior ranged from rules and commands to beatings in the bathroom when I was four. - she flushed the toilet hoping no one would here my screams.
I felt guilty for a long time for ‘not forgiving her’, which seemed to be the common mantra “ forgive and you will feel better “. I could not do that. I started reading books addressing this issue. To my relief, there are many people who have had terrible relationships with one parent. I was struck by the interesting point you made about your dad’s good relationship with your younger siblings, but horrible with you.
I had the same situation. My two younger brothers could do no wrong. I couldn’t understand it, and still don’t.
However I read various books that said it’s ok if you hate/dislike/ don’t love your parent. One book the possible situations and suggested solutions for each kind of relationship. One was a “ divorce”, completely breaking ties, one was a “Separation “ physically separate but keep a cordial relationship, etc. I found the ‘separation’ suited me. Like you, I financially supported her. I moved three States away and did my duty. But I will not and cannot love her or forgive her- and now that’s OK. No more guilt. My brother doesn’t know or understand what I went through and we just call it “ a bad relationship “.
She cries now, but is too late.
So you are NOT alone, forgiveness is not always appropriate, separation worked for me.
Start reading and perhaps talk to people with like experiences- but there are few who will discuss this.
You might try this book for a start
Narcissistic Fathers: Dealing with a Self-Absorbed Father and Healing from Narcissistic Abuse [Book]
There are lots of books out there about this and supporting your decision.
best wishes
I'm sorry that everyone is upset with you and that you are feeling depressed as a result. You are likely going through the stages of grief here by losing your family. I think it's time to start feeling ANGRY towards these 'family members' instead, and then allow yourself to move along to the final phase of grief which is Acceptance. A good way to get there may be to write them each a letter expressing your feelings, whether you put them in the mailbox or not, so you can get your emotions out of your heart and head that way.
Once you accept the fact that your father and your siblings are not deserving of your love and attention and that it's OKAY to make that statement out loud, THEN you can move on with your life and not feel guilty or responsible for the situation in any way.
Wishing you the best of luck moving forward and sending you a big hug and a prayer for peace.
If she brings up the issue of not understanding why you are done, just tell her your life with him was much different than her life with him, so she could never get a true understanding. If all of the siblings feel the same way she does, perhaps they have put the ghosts of the past to bed....you haven't. Have a conference call or zoom meeting with all of them if you need to ensure all understand your offer is financial only.
That's about all you can do to help
Three times he tried to reconcile with his dad over the course of twenty years. Each time the dad would laugh in the sons face.
Finally he informed his dad he would have nothing to do with him unless the dad was willing to repent.
Repent means to admit was you did, admit it was wrong, apologize for it, ask for forgiveness and stop doing the offense.
The dad never repented until he was on his death bed and then he kept on crying "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. " Of course the son was in another city so was not there to see or hear it. He was informed by the nurses at the seniors home he died in.
If the others in your family cannot or will not be mature enough to accept your decision (which any good therapist would recommend) then that is their problem not yours.
As well, where were they when you were being treated abusively? Did they offer to take care of him? Then they have no right to attempt to shift the blame on you.
I depend upon the Holy Spirit to teach me to set Godly boundaries to develop a healthy balance, interdependent relationships with others. I must depend upon the Holy Spirit to guide when and how to use these skills to maintain a loving relationship with others while purging myself of toxic folks so they do not create unnecessary drama and chaos in my life.
This is the best relationship advice that can be offered.
It has helped me purge myself of a lot of toxic folks and my life is so much the better for it.
I walked away from an abusive sister, and she later was diagnosed from terminal cancer. I cut communication in 2010, she was diagnosed in 2015 and died in 2018. My family was very upset with me, and I just told them that the phone works both ways, and if she wanted to talk that would have been okay with me. Instead she continued her dysfunctional behavior, drinking and her pursuit of materialism. I never attended her funeral. I have forgiven my sister on the basis that happy and healthy people are kind, sober and humble, and in order for her to behave that way she must have been very unhappy and dysfunctional. I have had a similar experience with my mom. She is now in a home, and my brother is in charge. Even though she was very emotionally abusive and scapegoated me, we now have a sweet relationship due to her behavior change, thanks to dementia.
Learning about the ACE study, Adverse Childhood Effects, helped me to understand why my family was so dysfunctional. Also learning about childhood trauma and setting firm boundaries helped to cope and heal. A significant turning point for me was going thru a trauma recovery program. I can't change the dysfunction and I can't control my family's behavior, but I can change how I am effected by it. Please keep your boundaries, practice healthy self care, and realize how they are feeling really has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with them!
Take incredible care of yourself.
K
While this is now easy for me to say (it has been 5 years), I pray that you can find peace in a positive future.
That all being said, I did get some counselling to put things into perspective about my parents. The abuse over a childhood should never have happened. Since my parents both are mentally competent, they are responsible for their decisions and their lives. If my dad becomes mentally incompetent and the state calls, I will have them put him in a home on Medicaid. When my mom becomes mentally incompetent, I will make sure she is cared for. As their adult child, I do not have to do the "hands on caring" but I am responsible to make sure they are cared for. It would be nice if both my sisters were part of this, but they have made their own decisions on the extent of care they wish to provide. I don't blame them.
What I can't understand is their being upset that you refuse to share the work of active care. In that case, surely the best answer to your siblings, particularly those who were equally victimised, is to recommend strongly to them that they follow your example.
This is only curiosity, don't answer if it makes you feel worse: what was the difference between the first three children and the two youngest? Why the contrast in his approach, do you think?
However.
Your dad is now facing death, and I believe that everyone -- EVERYONE -- deserves some peace of mind at the end of life.
You are stronger than he is now. For the short time he has left, you can safely stop protecting yourself and, instead, choose to reconnect with him and give him the kindness he failed to show you.
Why should you do this for someone you feel no love for? Because all bets are off when somebody's dying. Because this is your last chance to lay down the burden of anger and express, to him and to your siblings, the very best of yourself -- the person big enough to forgive, and to show, if not love, at least the fundamental human compassion you would feel for anyone in extremis.
Your father may not be capable of responding; it may not mean anything to him that you show up at his bedside and lend some moral support. But YOU will always know you did it, and though that may not seem important to you now, I promise that it will give you great comfort as you grow older.
The power of forgiveness is a cliché because it's so REAL. I hope you will find it in your heart to let go of, or at least conceal, your anger long enough to visit your father, be there with your siblings, and restore your family connections. I am not discounting your pain; I'm saying that I believe the pain will be greater, for all of you, if you don't take this step to affirm that you are still a family, and forgiveness is possible.
All good wishes.
You can tell her your therapist (you can fib if you want) said you have a right to not be in his presence but you can help in other ways. Run errands, buy things, maybe take her meals etc. One thing my sisters did for me which I appreciated greatly, was they told me how much they appreciated what I was doing, would buy massages for me and things like that.
No idea what his after care will be like, but do what you can to prevent her burnout.
Then there is the outrage you feel when you are supposed to step up and help them and others expect ypu to. You feel a bit like a betrayer of your younger self and there is an inner fight. I think it doesn't help that ' healthy" is seen as not bearing grudges - where as, it is perfectly natural to dislike someone who abused you and quite despicable that you were a helpless child.
Try to see your siblings as misguided or possibly even callous and stand firm. Good luck! You have my best wishes, it is not easy. xx