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My mother passed away , and had a trust put together putting all 8 kids names on home in trust . do we all have to sign in order to sell the house, or can the 4 executor just make that decision ?? my mother was a gold and silver collectors of coins, and the morning she passed away my sister went and emptied the safe of all the silver , my mother told me that my older brother took all the gold coins about 6 months earlier to put them in his safe deposit box for safe keeping , its almost 40,000 dollars worth and i have the receipt for all the coins my mother purchased she gave them to me a year earlier , all together it was about 120.000 dollars worth , now my brother said he does not have any of the gold and my sister states there is only about 20,000 in silver ,, can i have the state or IRS , PUT A HOLD ON THERE SAFEY DEPOSIT BOXES.I have 4 younger brothers and sister who have no idea what is going on . do i contact a lawyer or probate court .. All i am looking for is a fair distribution , i have to younger siblings that are disable , thank you
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SS, in my situation I was the caregiver for four years that ended with Mom's placement three months ago. I did not have the POA. Sib that lives about ten miles from Mom's did. Her involvement was minimal, I did all doctor visits, hospital stays, all medical decisions, care decisions. Sib was just too busy with her life and causing me legal issues while spending mom's money to do it. And she saw nothing wrong with that picture. Fractured family.
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My sister likes to think she's a superior businesswoman and should be in charge of Mom's affairs. My parents named me POA, Executor and medical directive in the late. 80's as I'm the eldest of the three daughters and the one who lives the closest. I think there's some jealousy now that the balance of power has shifted with Mom's rapidly declining dementia. Unfortunately, when my sister comes, she spends 3-4 days and waits another 2-3 months before returning. She doesn't see the daily interactions with the caregivers - who are superb -nor the various responsibilities and daily duties I have so when she blows into town, she makes irrational judgements and impulsive decisions. I finally had to pull the "I've got the POA card" last week and she was so angry she threatened to take me to court! Sure wish siblings appreciated all the work involved instead of just trying to butt in with criticism, unwanted advice, and disruptive actions. I know this is not what my parents intended to have happen. Sad.
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Or, sscoale, maybe your sister wants to travel the 3,000 miles each time that a new caregiver needs to be hired, or take your mother to the doctor, or any number of other things. When is the last time your sis visited mom? Maybe you should suggest a visit, and setup so sis can meet the caregivers, and see how they work with your mom. Put up or shut up, for siblings that have absolutly no attachment or interest in the situation and always think they know best.

Offer her the opportunity to come and evaluate the situation, and maybe you will get some respite while she is here and sis learns first hand what the situation is.
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Um. Is your sister "only trying to help" by any chance?

Those four words caused me more stress than any other aspect of caregiving. Please could you fill in a bit about the reasons that your sister thinks it would be a good idea for her to be doing this? Does she have any special expertise, time on her hands, is she aiming to make some kind of contribution to your mother's care?
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I have POA and my youngest sister ( who lives 3,000 miles away) is questioning every decision I make but especially regarding the hiring and firing of my Mom's 24/7 caregivers. She claims she can do all the hiring and firing. Since mom has vascular dementia and I have three MD letters that she is no longer competent, I have taken on all her caregiver roles (buying food, taking her to MD appts, paying bills, visiting her 5 days a week, monitoring the caregivers, etc ). Does my sister have any rights for hiring & firing of caregivers since she has NO documentation giving her any legal authority? Thanks for your insight. sscoale
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I don't believe she's eligible any longer.... Her overpayment should be caught up soon since they cut it off. My mom is with me now for the week while she takes vacation, so I'm trying to do the best i can while i still can...
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Maybe unemployment would tide her over until she can regain disability? Or maybe she would no longer be eligible?
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@gladimhere thank you. This is exactly my dilemma, and i have treaded very delicately with a conversation on other care arrangements and she flips in a sense, especially since she lost her disability at this time. I will keep you updated and thanks for your ear!
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I really appreciate the guidance for i sometimes feel very helpless in trying to make the best decision for my mother as well as my own family. I will say she was fine in assisted living, she took a while getting adjusted and by the time she did, she moved. She does not have a will, and i am not sure if it's possible to get at this time, something else that need to be discussed with an atty. Her income i believe did exceed and created an issue in the past i believe, so stuck between a Rock and a hard place...
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Yes, Texas revisit the backup plan. For you to bringmominto your household with two young children would be very difficult if not impossible. Any behaviors that mom has will continue to get worse to say nothing of the levelof care she needs.

It sounds like you want to approach this is your mom'sbest interest and want to be fair to your cousin. Maybe the nexttime cousin calls you ask her if Mom's care is becoming too much for her, thatmaybe it is time formomto return to a facility. And mom'schoices will be much more if she is able toprivate pay for a wbile before having to goon a Medicaid program. Maybe if cousin thinks that you are considering another care situation for mom due to mom's increasing care needs cousin willback off. You know job security? But be very careful with the conversation.
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Oh, and the attorney can advise you on how the bank account should be setup.
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Does Mother like staying with Cousin better than staying in the facility, Star? Otherwise, wouldn't it be simpler to have mom go back to the care center and Cousin go back to disability payments? Then none of this would be your responsibility.

I understand what you mean by being thrust into this without preparation, and that you are doing your best. No criticism intended here, but this arrangement has to be put on a sound legal footing.

If your mother has that much income she may not be eligible for a program like Medicaid. Finding her a facility she can afford and has the right level of care for her may be the best you can do.

I think it is time to consult an attorney who specializes in Elder Law. (Not a friend's brother who practices corporate law, and not a friend's mother who does family law. The specialty is very important in this case!) Be sure your mother has a Will, and a Healthcare Directive, and the POA document is adequate. Get a contract with your cousin. And get advice about what your mother might be eligible for and how to take advantage of any benefits she may be entitled to.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this high stress situation while you are also nurturing your young and growing family. Best wishes to you dear. Come back and keep us informed.
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Hi yes we do have a caregiver agreement and ultimately if anything were to happen to her (in fact my mom comes and stays with me every other weekend and whenever she asks) i would take over the responsibility again... She is not competent she has vascular dementia. I have looked at other assistance for her when this first began, but i guess i need to revisit it again for that back up plan again.
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Texas, I don't know what to suggest. I was an underpaid family caregiver myself. You should talk to an elder law attorney. I hope you have a care agreement in place for cousin to care for mom. If not, you need to have one as if mom ever goes on Medicaid, any money paid to your cousin will be considered a gift and then subject to Medicaid penalty. The attorney can help you sort all of this out, including helping to develop a backup plan for mom. Is mom competent?
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Texas, what if something happened to your cousin? Then what would you do? And your cousin provide the roof over your mother's head and her food, utilities and care on top of it? That is a bargain. I am not proposing that you pay cousin more from your funds. Perhaps there are financial assistance programs that mom would qualify for? Your cousin will not be able to do this forever, you need to develop a back up plan.
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@gladimhere she was paying $4700 for private room but i had considered moving her to a semi private room right before she left to go to my cousins which would have been $3500 lock in rate for 18 months at that time.... What would you suggest in this situation?
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@gladimhere i appreciate your response. My mother was in assisted living prior to this and the cost was in the ballpark of what she receives. Now like I've told her before i can't give something from nothing... So if she can't handle it what her income is, what other options do i have?
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Texas, you pay her $3400 a month? That is one half of what an agency caregiver would. Does she live in Mom's house or her own? What was mom paying for assisted living?
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Yes thank you for your reply. this is what I'm in the process if doing now. I am closing that account and opening a new one to separate the money. Everything that I'm learning and finding out just recently is new to me, i was thrust into this situation without much prior knowledge so my mom and i have always liked out for each other. And yes she definitely does receive equal to more than the going rate. The cousin was receiving only disability prior to my mom coming in and once they found out she was receiving income they cut it off in overpayment. So basically my mom is her main and only income at this time ($3400). She literally calls and it's always about money some way or another. My mother was actually in assisted living, but i when my cousin volunteered to help out and keep her with family, i agreed. But now it's just a constant headache! I'm only in my early 30s and i have a3 year old and pregnant with my second, and i just wish everything could be smooth and seamless....
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Texasstar, in my area caregivers are paid between 10 and 15 dollars an hour depending on whether they have any training in caring for elders. If my math is correct that is in the area of 250 a day. My guess is you probably are not paying close to that, $7,500 a month? And if elder is asleep, would the caregiver be able to go home, or somewhere else. Would the elder be able to sleep alone in the house? My guess is you have a bargain.
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Texasstar13, my advice would be to state calmly and politely that if your cousin ever tries to see your bank statements again you will be forced to report her and her friend in the bank to the law. That is your responsibility as her POA.

Then I would look carefully into what the going rate for elder care is in your area. Is what you are paying your cousin in the ballpark? If it is not up the average range, is there anything you can do about that? You say that all of your mother's income goes to the cousin, but how does that compare to what she would be paid if she did this work for a non-relative? She really is entitled to the going rate. What would you have to pay someone else?

My advice also is that sharing a bank account with some who needs caregiving is generally not a good idea. Mom should have an account that consists of only her money. You can pay for her needs out of this account, as her POA, but it should not contain any of your money, and you should not pay for your things out of it. Co-mingling your funds is just too complicated at this point. Separate your own money out of there. If you generously use some of your own money to pay for Mom's things it should come out of your account.

If Mother's money alone is not enough to meet her own needs, perhaps you should consider applying for assistance for her.
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I too have been my mother's POA for several years now, and i have a cousin who helps with her caregiving, ask me multiple times about more money etc. And has even gone to our bank and had an employee she knows pull our bank statements fraudulently without my knowledge. I am an only child and before i was even elected POA, we had joint accounts and i moved much of money i had of my own into this account for us to share. It's always been ours to share because my mother did not have anything since she hadn't worked in over 13 years before her dementia set on. My father passed away and left nothing but bills and we spent thousands hiring attys. For sorting his affairs, which never truly got resolved. Either way, every penny she receives monthly goes to my cousin for my moms care. Anything in addition comes from me, so if i say no, i feel they can't threaten me with taking guardianship or legal anything just because it's none of her business my affairs outside what she receives.... Any advice as well... I'm in Texas....
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Endofrope, I would love to be an only child. Enuf said! :)
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All I have to say is I hate it that I'm an only child and I love it that I'm an only child.
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Grismelda, I can't imagine where in the country you live that $600 would be fair market value for renting a house. But, was nephew being given a discount for maintenance jobs? Did he do some of the remodeling work? You probably don't know the entire story (so we don't, either).

What is Sis doing with the $600/month she is taking in on the house? Does that cover the real estate taxes, insurance, any mortgage or remodeling loans?

Are you all aware that the state will take a portion or all of the proceeds when mother dies and the house is sold? (In an amount equal to what Medicaid spent on your mother's care.)

Why did you all decide to chip in on the remodeling? What were you expecting the final disposition of the house to be?

Did any relative live in that house with your mother and take care of her, thus delaying her placement in NH? If so, who and for how long?

Sorry to be asking so many questions, but clarification would perhaps get you more specific answers.
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Grismelda, don't forget that although your POA sister made all the arrangements and is responsible for managing things now, the house belongs to your mother, the landlord is your mother, and any rent paid is paid to your mother. So your sister shouldn't be profiting from the rental in her own right at all, and both the house and any rental income should have been declared during the Medicaid application process. Do you know for a fact that it wasn't?

And Glad is right: if your nephew was living in the house when it should have been available to let, and he wasn't paying any rent or it was at a significant discount, then your mother has effectively gifted him the money she could have earned from the house during that time. If you have good reason to believe that your sister has not been transparent about all this with Medicaid, perhaps you should call them for advice.

When you say you "each" set aside $8,000 to cover expenses, what expenses are you referring to? And who is included in "we"?
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I would let Medicaid know that house was rented, that amount should have gone towards mother's care. That is why Medicaid permit homes to be owned, they see the potential for income for those needing care in nursing homes. If the house rented for less than the market value in the area, that will be considered a gift and subject, dollar for dollar to Medicaid penalty. As POA she does not have to supply any information to you unless instructed by the document or ordered by a court.
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mother is in nursing home last stages of life.oldest sister is poa appointed,WE have no info on anything,not ever offered even when asked.there is a house involved,sister with poa has rented house out,after we each set aside over 19,000.00(8000 each) to cover all and any expenses,Now medicaid has taken over coverage of nursing home fees.but house in question is being rented for 600 a month to some not so worthy folks.Sister used up money for hme upkeep to re do house for her own son to live there.Now he is moving out,and what happens if nursing home finds out sisteris profiting from the homes rental?
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esmallwood, if your mother is supporting herself and maintaining a home on $1300/month, what on earth could your family be worried about? That there is plenty of extra in that amount and you are skimming it off? Whoaaa.

But I don't see any harm in showing them the last couple of bank statements. Maybe that would help them be more realistic in their expectations. Are you the POA? If so, you do have a responsibility to protect your mother's privacy. Is she able to understand the question and to give you permission to show the others?

I don't think you "have" to show them, but if it would calm down troubled waters and Mom doesn't mind, why not?
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