Can family siblings request my moms financial statements on a monthly basis even though I have Power of Attorney?

I'm having the same issue with my sister. I have cared for my dad for 2 years while he lived in his home. Then he had a stroke & came to live with us last month. If you have the POA, you don't have to provide them with anything. They just want a bigger inheritance, If your mom can afford it, you deserve compensation. My opinion is that they are just blowing smoke & trying to make you miserable. I no longer speak to my sister on the phone. I have forced her to email or text me. That way I have proof of everything. You need to schedule respite care on a weekly basis so you have a break just for you. Go to a movie or have coffee with a friend. I also have Fibromyalgia & lately my pain has been through the roof & I am tired all the time. Stess=pain. I'm fortunate to have a wonderful husband. Take good care of yourself. You are a wonderful daughter & your mom knows it!

Sure, they can ASK for financial statements from you. They can ask you to sing all the verses of the Farmer in the Dell. That doesn't mean you have to do it. So a lawyer contacts you ... and?

But here's my question: why not try to work with them and build a team with Mother's interests in mind? Maybe that will never happen, but it would be worth a concerted effort. You know these people; I don't. Is their real concern for Mom, and fear that you might be taking advantage of her? Or might it be fear of loss of inheritence?

Either way, what would be the harm in sending them what they want? You are not taking advantage of your mother; you records would prove that. Why not get it all out in the open? I hope you are including sitters for respite care, so you can get out on your own once in a while. Your sibs could reduce that expense if they chose to provide respite care themselves, but if the choose not to, they can't begrudge you spending money on it. Your problem is burn out? Guard against that! If you have found reliable sitters, take advantage of that for more than errand running. The one-day-a-week is not negotiable. How it is provided you are open about.

If your mom is in her right mind -- legally competent to make decisions -- and she decides to stay where she is, I don't see how they could force her to move, no matter how many lawyer letters they pay to have sent. And if she is incompetent, you have POA, so they still can't insist she move.

If the Sibs think it would be cheaper (I.e., save their inheritence) to provide 24/7 care in Mom's own home, they are nuts.

If Mom were in a Nursing Home, they'd have to visit her if they wanted to see her and help her, whether they were comfortable in nursing homes or not. She's in your home. If they want to help her that is where they have to do it. If it were the Sibs posting here and asking for advice I'd tell them (kindly and politely, I hope) to grow up, get over themselves, and focus on their mother, not on how "comfortable" they want to be. But, alas, they aren't the ones writing in.

So, what can you do? Well, you could reply to them, "Go ahead and pay money for your lawyer letters. I'm not doing anything illegal. Na-na-na-na-NA-na!" But I suggest you save that kind of justifiable venting for here. Among your siblings, try to be the peacemaker, for Mom's sake. Tell them you are so glad they are taking an interest in Mom's care, because it really is much more than you can do alone, and you welcome their input. Tell them that while you are doing your taxes this year you will also pull together some figures about her expenses. Then you'd like to get together with them to go over the finances, so everyone is on the same page. You can discuss at the present rate, how long her money will last, and what will happen if she needs more professional care than can be given at home. How would that be paid for? Then you'd like to discuss some other things besides finances. How she is. How you together as a family can make sure she stays comfortable and happy.

If there is a lot bad feeling in the family now, perhaps having a nuetral outsider conduct the meeting would be helpful -- a social worker, a clergy person, a mediator -- so you all stay focussed on what is best for Mom.

Good luck to you, Rose. Come back and give us updates on how things work out.

Luvmydad and I were typing at the same time. Interesting how close our answers are, isn't it? You need and deserve that respite care! Don't let anyone bully you out of it! You don't OWE your siblings an accounting.

I really hope you can work this out so they wind up contributing to your mother's comfort and that you can have at least a civil relationship. But if worse comes to worst, you can follow Luvmydad's example, and put strict boundaries around your interaction with them.

I'm on the other side of the fence with this one. I see no problem in sending financial information about the cost of upkeep. My parents' finances are as much my siblings business as my own, even though I am the one who is here. The only problem I'm having is exactly what would a financial statement be? Their bank balance? Their credit card statement? We don't keep a ledger here.

My sister has also asked for all of my Mom's financial statements from the time I took over paying the bills. She wanted it all, bank statements, credit card statements, tax returns, just everything. She also wanted a copy of my Mom's will. What my sister didn't know is that my Mom has changed her will, so that my sister inheritance is to be set up in a trust account for her, because my Mom doesn't like my sister boyfriend and my Mom doesn't want the boyfriend to know any thing about her finances. So before I released any information to my sister, I talked to my Mom about it. My Mom said no, do not give her anything and Mom had me write a letter back to my sister stating that she was happy with the way I helping her handle her affairs and that we would not be releasing any of the requested info to her. As for the will my Mom is standing very firm that it is her will and she doesn't have to show it to her if she doesn't want.

I do agree with jeannegibbs, that if your mom doesn't have a problem with releasing the information, what can it hurt. I would just take time to put it together. If you are open with this information, your family may be more open to helping you out in your home. My sister, does nothing the help, she doesn't even call my Mom. I can tell you, I send e-mails at my sister after each major Dr appt to give her up dates on my mom's heath and if there is a problem with her health, I give her that information also. I just do not give her any finacial information. Even with my e-mails, my sister doesn't return e-mails to me, which makes me think, she is only in it for the inheritance, then I really do not know that either. Go Luck with your mom and family.

I just read the new Durable POA for the state of Alabama where my mother lives. It was amended January 1, 2012. Every state's POA is different. It spells it out clearly that as POA my brother has the obligation to keep receipts and all information on how the money is spent. Now does it say he has to give me a copy of how the money is spent. No. But if I go to an attorney and made my brother account for how he spent my Mother's money, he has a legal obligation to be ethical and not enrich himself.

So, I would assume most states have some similar wording. To protect yourself, keep copies of everything, give your sibling an account of how the money is spent and nip some trouble in the bud. There can be problems if your sibling or siblings want to make it a problem and the money has not been spent wisely. That is one of the problems of being the POA. There are legal obligations to do the best with the parent's money.

So many readers here have problems with their siblings and it is sad because the main concern should be the welfare of our elder parents. I think mainly they are concerned with your Mom's assets.
As others have said, you absolutely need respite care so that you are able to take care of your Mom. How was the decision about where your Mom would live made when she moved out of the house and had the stroke? Did your siblings offer to take Mom then? Looking at it another way, it just might help maintain peace in the family if you did send them the info they ask for, maybe once a quarter, and not monthly, because you really don't have time to send it more often. Or, have them all come to your house, go over the finances with them and then go and relax and have fun somewhere. Just let the know before they come to your house that you need someone to stay with Mom after the finance discussion so you can have a break. But, then they would be alone with Mom and might try to convince her to move. And Remember, your Mom wanted to stay with you. That should win the controversy.
My Sister is POA and takes care of Mom and Dad's financial matters. Years ago, when they were both competent, we set up a trust so the state couldn't take their money for a nursing home. Mom and Dad intended their money go to their kids. My Dad is in a nursing home, the cost is $4400 a month, but Medicare pays. My Mom is in assisted live, the cost is $3400 a month and that comes out of the trust fund. So, there goes the kid's inheritance, BUT, we would rather have both of them in a place where they are well taken care of and safe. . My Mom said she didn't care what where she lived but she did not want the kids to argue.
I hope you can work this out somehow with your siblings, I think the law is on your side. You are doing a wonderful thing and a great job because your Mom is where she wants to be.

Short and sweet, no Farmer in the Dell, either.
I gave a detailed accounting of the first year and a half of being POA and listed what and where the costs went. Also gave details of my time and a copy of the savings I had accrued. Then I asked for an accounting of 2 siblings input and what was that worth. They don't bother me anymore. Hi ho the derryoh.

my mom was made to sign the doa form while in nursing home with dementia. I know she could not sign her name, but my sister had her sign an x in the presence of notary. She live with me for a year after we lost dad. I live in va. and she is in tenn. right now. I am pretty sure my sister doa is abusing moms money and i have made several visits where i have found that social services has been involved in the health care she is receiving at nursing home. I dont think mom is happy at all. She did so much better here with me and i am the oldest. The reason why she obtained doa is because moms home is in tenn. What i can i do to get mom back home with me. She is depressed and has given up on life where she is. What can i do to get her back with me.

what do you do if both of your sisters are POA, and they exchange information all the time, but do not talk to you at all regarding anything. In fact, they have mailed me back my christmas stocking of 52 years?? What do I do. I feel that an attorney or mediator should be the POA because neither sister will communicate with me in any way shape or form. (unless, they need something like help from me), I am already a caregiver. They could care less truly if I am alive or dead.

I agree with Jeanne. Whether or not you have to, how can it hurt? And it might help - in fact you might find they suddenly go very quiet indeed when they start comparing actual numbers.

19591948kaydeb, family conflicts are so painful. My heart goes out to you.

Only your parent can determine who the POA is. If you suspect fraud or abuse the courts could intervene. Otherwise, your Mom or Dad (which is it?) appointed your sisters as POA and only he or she can change that.

What is your parent's impairment? Where does he/she live? Are you in regular contact with him/her by phone? Do you send cards and letters? Does mailing you your Christmas stocking perhaps indicate your sisters are cleaning out your parent's home? (At least they did not trash it!) Have you always been estranged from your sisters, or is this something recent?

This is very sad. Can you provide a few more details, to get more specific suggestions?

My siblings don't help much or at all in the care of my mother, but so far they have trusted me to handle all of Mom's finances honestly. However, I am aware that either of them might question what is left for the estate after she dies. I keep my own records of all the expenses, other than the cost of home-aides, who are paid in cash. I charge most of Mom's costs : medical supplies, food, refilling the cash on her bus-pass, etc. and I keep the charge-card receipts. When I or the home-aide buy something in cash, we file the receipt. Although I don't have receipts from the home-aides, I installed a small punch-clock that cost about $250, in order to avoid disputes between the aides about who arrived late for their shift. The disputes stopped (or were easily settled by the evidence) and I have kept the procedure of punching in and out. I also have kept all the punch cards - and copies of the letter that I gave each of the aides when they started, specifying their shift times and days, and what they would be paid hourly. The punch cards do not "prove" the actual cost, but they are strong evidence, if my accounting were under a legal challenge.

I have a home computer, so I scan all these documents into a folder on the computer, which I back-up to an external drive about once a week. I keep the paper documents organized in page-protector style envelopes in large 3-hole binders; but large manila envelopes would work just as well.

My mother signed POA, Will, Health Proxy, and DNR forms while she was still in good physical and mental health. The originals are in the possession of her lawyer; my sister and I each have copies, as we are both named as executor or guardian on the forms, either jointly or with me as primary and her as secondary. My brother is one of the beneficiaries of her will, but is not on any of the forms that assign any power; he is excluded from that because my mother felt (and still does) that he is not
emotionally stable enough to be given any of those responsibilities.

My mother's health has declined considerably since the legal documents were signed. She broke both hips and requires a wheelchair to get around, and her dementia is now moderate and visibly growing worse. She has needed 24-hour care for several years. She has enough financial assets to pay for her home care for at least four more years. Because she can pay for full-time home care, I only spend two or three days per week at her home. But I still need respite from the paperwork and supervisory work that I do from my own home, and which I have to remind myself to make time for.

Time for oneself is vital to a caregiver, not just to take care of one's own chores. Time to pamper oneself - to see a movie, visit friends, enjoy a hobby is very important, if only because the lack of it can cause slow but accumulated damage to one's physical and mental health.
A caregiver can take a salary for their work (check with the IRS or a lawyer for specifics); if the parent lives with you, the cost of a home-aide or a babysitter can also legitimately be paid from the parent's assets. Just be sure to get a receipt of some kind from the babysitter.

On whether your unhelpful siblings care: They might be interested only in their potential inheritance. But they might be honestly concerned and may want to know what you are spending to see if you are spending too much on the wrong things or too little to provide as much care as they think is needed. The fact that they don't visit, or not often enough, might be due to the pressure of their other responsibilities, to travel difficulties, or to their emotional limitations. My sister loves our mother but visits less than once a month, in spite of living on the same block as our mother. She finds our mother's condition very upsetting and still has trouble accepting the fact that
Mom cannot be cured, but only made as safe, comfortable and happy as possible.

A friend of mine who loved his mother dearly, did not visit her for several years after she was paralyzed by a stroke, because visiting her sent him into a paralyzing
depression for several days after each visit. Eventually he found a psychiatrist who prescribed an effective mood-stabilizer for him; he began visiting his mother again,
and although he still found the visits painful and saddening, his medication allowed his to feel his sadness, without being disabled by it.

Perhaps your siblings are not strong enough or brave enough to face your parent's decline directly. Even though I speak to my mother every day and spend time with her every two or three days, there are times when I will notice a new symptom or a new decline in her mental functioning and it can come as a shock. The fact that
I know these changes are coming helps me prepare for them emotionally; but it doesn't always work. If I saw her less often, the changes would have accumulated
in my absence and would be much more distressing to observe.
I don't say that this justifies the sibling who aren't helping. But it might be less painful to consider that they might be weak rather than selfish.

As far as I know after speaking to a elder law attorney you can not write checks out to yourself to pay others in cash. Something doesn't sound right with what you are doing. I use checks and my moms debit card so everything is documented on a bank statement. This way there is nothing to hide. You can also write checks out to home health care aids in there name and not yours.

I am Mom's POA. When my siblings started demanding financial statements I gave them full internet access to all accounts. Still unhappy they-wanted paper statements mailed (just to harrass me because of jealously that I was appointed POA). So I hired an attorney, trust company and conservator to do all the work and WASHED my hands of it. Now they complain its too expensive - but too late - their nasty letters and threats justify all the added expenses! I am now at peace and each time the complain to the attorney its $195.00 per hour! So be it!

Hello jeannegibbs: My sisters and I have always been close UNTIL my middle sister's husband died suddenly about 6 years ago. Since then she has been rude, the meanest and has kept me from all family events. Why, who knows, I don't drink, ams quiet, don't smoke, am the nice girl, and as they say, nice girls finish last. This has emotionally killed me, as I have two sons 25 and 30 and she invites them over, and everyone else. So until 6 years ago, I was the family. I made the family dinners, and now, I am alone with my husband, and I love him dearly, but he has never had kids, and this has killed me emotionally. My sisters are cowards for not stating hey why don't we invite your mom. Last I heard they said "they did not have room for wayne and I". Really, her husband died, I put on a nice end of life party as she requested with my funds, and after that, I don't care what I need to talk to her about she will NOT RESPOND WHATSOEVER, which leads me to.. if you are an executor you have to have excellent communication skills whether you want to or not. She is boastful. She will had my other sister a financial statement right in front of my face and not say a word to me. This was when we rant into each other at the ER for my parents. No the stocking was mailed, because they no longer wanted me at Christmas. I know and have heard of so many horrible stories of in laws and family members that are horrible to be with and every year people put up with them. I am about and I am not boasting, I am a caregiver and am told this, the nicest 54 soft spoken woman in the world, and my heart has been crushed, because my father just stood by and took it, NOW he has dementia, and I could claim he signed the documents without being of full mind and body, but I don't have a penny to my name. That is the issue, she is older and has money her husband left her millions. I have none so this is a big game for her. I need to get someone else in there. I have tried to talk to my father and he says, I can't deal with it,. My mother has alzheimer's and yes they call me and my husband and never pay us a dime to do at least three errands a week involving my parents. Yet my sisters always get paid. What do I do.

I am 54, and since I was 48, I have never been invited to a family dinner or a graduation dinner for my sons. I have tried to organize a dinner but my sister out talks me, and makes sure that her dinner comes first. Should I state something or just consider that she will get it in the end. which she probably wont she is a spoiled 60 year old. YES 60 year old. Should I talk to my father about it. I have asked him to purchase his car from him since he cannot drive and we drive him all around and never get reimbursed for anything, and our car is going to die one day, and we have no money. We lost our jobs in 2008 and no one NO ONE gives a rats a__ that we live on $15,000 per year. Life is tough, but sisters make it miserable. Especially, when they take your boys from you for Christmas Dinner, you know why, $$$$$ Kids are growing up to be with people that have money. We did, but we lost it al to our house. We are not bad people, I am going back to school to get my Masters, one day many people will be sad they treated me this way. In silence . . . .

??? Kaydeb? Your sister organises a celebration dinner for YOUR sons, overrides YOUR arrangements, and then doesn't invite YOU? Repeatedly, over the course of six years?

I don't understand what she thinks she's thinking. In what universe is that considered acceptable?

I understand what you feel about the children's being attracted to a more materially comfortable environment. After I divorced, mine had the same options - my falling-down hovel where they actually lived, or their dad's/their friends' much plusher houses at weekends and during school vacations. I couldn't blame them for aiming high! The one time I did see red was when my ex and his wife (normally I get on fine with them both) bought my son a "future heirloom" watch for his 18th birthday: the trouble was I'd broken the bank getting him one for his 16th. Theirs cost a lot more; mine was infinitely more stylish (ha!); and what was the poor lad to do? Say "thanks but I've already got one?" I went outside and took a lot of deep breaths.

I suppose we just have to take care of our corns and try not to let people step on them.

But that doesn't excuse your sister's behaviour. Before you speak to your dad, see if you can speak to her (I really do understand how difficult and painful that might seem). It would be better if you could somehow get her just to think for a moment about how her behaviour makes you feel. I doubt she is doing that, even for a second - galling in itself, but that's what needs correcting. She urgently needs to rethink her ideas of hospitality and generosity.

Re: the car. We had the same situation with my mother: she couldn't drive hers, and I couldn't insure both my own and hers at the same time for me to drive, not affordably anyway. This year we simply transferred her car's registration to me (my sister has POA and agreed this), and I had to sell my car (which hurt like hell because it was much nicer and I loved it). I pay for insurance and road tax. I don't know what to do about paying for fuel, repairs, etc. because technically I own the car and those are my bills, but almost all my mileage involves taking her somewhere or running errands for her - still trying to work out a fair solution.

Hold tight over the bumps, follow up on those good constructive plans and remember that hard times pass as well as happier ones. All will be well, all will be well, and all manner of things will be well…

PS Had to pause to answer the door to a delivery man: my ex-SIL and her husband have sent me a box of beautiful Tokaj wine for Christmas - and I can't HOPE to reciprocate. I know they won't expect me to, but oh woe! Even the nice things hurt. Who came up with all that rot about being poor but happy..?!

Sorry, I missed your earlier post, explaining that your sister will not communicate with you. Actually she's doing more than that, isn't she? She's doing it in a very precise, calculated way.

Now this is weird. I'm sure you haven't any idea WHY she's like this, but there must be a reason. My guess is that, whatever it is, it will turn out to be something for which you are completely blameless. Weird, weird, weird.

Do you have two other sisters besides her, is that right? Or are there three of you altogether, you the youngest, weirdo in the middle and one more oldest? I'm just wondering if you've got two others to tackle or only one.

Either way, if middle sister is still speaking to them, maybe she or they are the ones who know what her problem is; so maybe that's where you can start investigating. Even if he still had his full faculties, I think this might be beyond any man to deal with so I'd leave your father out of it.

What is her problem? Goodness this must drive you nuts. Even if she is rich and spoiled, it wouldn't explain why she's being such a bitch to you in particular. It's horrible, I'm so sorry. x

Not just things for my sons All situations. Let us see Valentines Day, Birthday's I am never included, July, Birthday's, Veteran's Day, Labor Day, Vacations, Halloween, Thanskgiving, and Christmas, how is that for a sock in the heart. I have been with this family for 54 years. 6 years ago, she decided to leave my life for good. I am worried because Executors have to have good communication. I am sitting here purchasing this and that like I can afford it for my mom and dad and never getting reimbursed. So now my parents suffer. Look, I have had one issue in my life. About 10 years ago, I had a mild depression. Didn't do anything to anyone. I was depressed. Mild at that, and that is not the reason. We can label people all we want, I am a great woman. I know that because it comes from my heart. People are in shock and awe over her gross ways, and I have been told she is exactly like my father's sister was. It is her way or the highway. Yes, I agree with the children, but my 30 year old has spoken to me for 6 years either. Ever since the death of her husband, which I did not know very well. I have tried talking to her once every six months for 6 years, no can do. She will make sure I get nothing. Which is illegal and I need to hire an attorney and if my father knows that he would roll in his grave when he passes, don't you think he deserves to hear that now?

Kaydeb - No, I still don't think you should tell your father about this - but I do think you should tell your father's lawyer about it. Don't forget: if his wishes are not complied with by his executor(s), he is the victim, not you. The executors' duty is to the deceased person, not primarily to the beneficiaries of a will.

Wills are public documents, once the testator has died and the will has gone through probate. An executor has to proceed according to the will's instructions. If your father has made specific provision for you in his will, there is no legal way in which your sister can fail to act on it, and no secret way either. She would have to be a damn fool, as well as a nasty piece of work, to try to get away with it.

How do you get on with your other sister, and your younger lad? Are they really not prepared at least to listen to you?

I hope you'll forgive me, but I get a faint impression from what you say that you do have some idea of what this huge, heinous crime is that your sister is holding against you; and that it's something that you fear could make uninformed people think badly of you. I dare say it's a) a false accusation and/or b) been blown massively out of proportion; but I wonder: if you were to share your worries more openly with an independent counsellor - could be anybody wise whose ability to keep a confidence you trust - are you sure you wouldn't be able to see some way to get this crazy situation sorted out?

10 years ago you suffered from depression (1 in 3 people will do in the course of their lives, or so I hear - that's a very large chunk of the population for anyone to try stigmatising, don't you think?); 6 years ago, following the death of her husband, your sister effectively ostracised you and persuaded your older son to do the same. I'm not going to try guessing further: your private business is private and you're entitled to keep it so. But clearly whatever happened is a very painful memory for you. I just want you not to add shame to the pain, because I'm prepared to bet that you have nothing - NOTHING - in reality to be ashamed of.

They say: "a trouble shared is a trouble halved." But for that to work, you first have to share the trouble, and a public forum is evidently not the place where you are comfortable doing that (I don't blame you, neither would I be!).

I realise I could be completely wrong about all of the above, but this is my instinct: that getting a better perspective on the past would help you both deal with the present and rebuild for the future. That's where I'd start. Good luck, I really hope this helps; and if not, if it's all wrong, then best of luck just the same. x

You explained that your Mother had a stroke.With that said,is she compatent?That's the question of all, is she compatent to say and do what she wants?
Next question is,are you your Mother's only POA?Is anyone else a POA for your Mother?
Next question what type of POA are you or others?Durable or springing POA?
If you are your Mother's POA.You are noted on your Mother's bank accounts as her POA.Unless,you haven't done so yet.Who other is on your Mother's bank accounts?Legally,a POA is not allowed to be joint on a bank account.Only noted on the accounts as her POA.Unless you was joint before the POA was created.
If you become a POA.You can't become joint on a bank account after a POA was created or your POA can be revoked.
So,
if you are the only POA for your Mother?It's your job to obtain your Mother's bank statements for your safe keeping and knowing her finances.As POA your job is her finances.If your Mother would go into a nurcing home.You will be the one Medicaid,Medicare will go after if any funds are not accounted for.From the date you became your Mother's POA.
Again it all boils down to, is your Mother compatent or not?
If your Mother is compatent?Your Mother has the right to change anything or spend what she desires.Your Mother can change her POA at anytime as long as she's compatent to do so.If your Mother is compatent,and if she is coached by another family member to change POAs.That can be done.If a family member has proof that your not doing your job correct as her POA.That person can have your POA revoked.Or another family member can simple ask Mother to change her POA.It all boils down to timing.Any other family member can simply take your Mother to a attorney to have her POA changed and Living Will without you knowing.As long as your Mother agrees to do so and is compatent to do so.If your Mother is not compatent?A POA and or a Living Will can not be changed.Unless the POA is found on grounds of revoked.
In other words,
If your Mother's compatent?And welling?Any family member can take her to a attorney to have a Living Will or POA changed.If she is compatent your POA is not in written in stone.If she was ever found incompatent then your POA is in stone.
To avoid any family member from changing your Mother's POA.It's up to your Mother if she's compatent.That means either two things need to be done.
One,find your Mother incompatent by a doctor.
Two,never let your Mother go with anyone.Because,all someone has to do is take her to a attorney to change POA.
If your Mother has more then one POA?And if she is incompatent by a doctor?
Those two POAs need to work together as one.Unless one is found to be revoked.
Regardless,
If by chance,your spending Mother's money incorrect.When it comes time for a nurcing home you will be investagated by Medicaid & Medicare .If any funds aren't accounted for you will be the feller to come up with those funds.Not saying your doing wrong.Just a little warning or venting is all.

Do yourself a favor and provide them some sort of a report in mom's assets.
We just had guardian and conservator appointments approved because sister POA refused to provide bi-annual reports on a revocable trust as required by the trust.

these sorts of situations often turn ugly creating a severe impact on your sibling related

countrymouse:
??????I hope you'll forgive me, but I get a faint impression from what you say that you do have some idea of what this huge, heinous crime is that your sister is holding against you; and that it's something that you fear could make uninformed people think badly of you. I dare say it's a) a false accusation and/or b) been blown massively out of proportion; but I wonder: if you were to share your worries more openly with an independent counsellor - could be anybody wise whose ability to keep a confidence you trust - are you sure you wouldn't be able to see some way to get this crazy situation sorted out?

Not sure where you thought this or suspected this, and yes, I am on a public forum, and yes, I have absolutely nothing to hide, the issue, is more this, my sister is a very controlling person, and she always has been, and as my parents have slowly but surely been declining, she almost enjoys this. Remember I am 10 years younger than my sisters. My sister has absolutely nothing to hold against me. Accept, I was the younger sister, and apparently she felt all her life that she was the middle one left out, that is it, period end of conversation. When my sister was in her 30's she would always complain that she could never keep friends because she was too bold and rude. My sister is just my sister. There is not act of anything between us. She has alot of gall, that is for sure, and what is even more interesting, is that my boys both this week, as I sent them holiday cards, sent me cards back, and as one of my friends told me. Time will bring your boys back to you, and it is slowly doing that. The other thing is that I am not allowing her to get to me, in other words, what I mean is this. This is my outlet, I do not talk to her, etc. Now interesting, because I haven't sat at a dinner table with her for 6 years, and my mother is in an Alzheimer's home, and guess what, I did nothing, and knew nothing, but the dinner was where my mom lives, and for the first time in 10 years, it was the three sisters and two husbands. My middle sister's husband passed away, and it was amazing, maybe they talked, and said you know we are being real sh__ to "DLH" and need to be nice, as they could not be nicer. You cannot fake that. But, does that mean I trust, my walls are high, but it means that maybe, just maybe, my sister is realizing that she is not hurting me, she is hurting my father and my one son, my other one too, as he stated he loves me, and was hurt by his father etc. etc. So thank you and no I am not upset, but I am a professional caregiver, and I have the cleanest record of being the sweet girl on the block it sometimes makes me ugh. I am that way because I was raised that way. Somehow, my sister was raised in the 60's the hippie's era, and I was not, big difference. She just could not and I mean could not and is just now dealing with her husband's death. Honestly, I would not take the time out of my life to work on something when I know that I honestly have done nothing but be born 10 years later to deserve this type of treatment. Tonight, at dinner, she was very nice, and I just about rolled in my gravy, and of course my husband and I had no clue she was coming, but at least she was cordial, and again "one big happy family", however they did talk about Christmas, and I said oh we are going to be out of town. Too much drama. But thank you for thinking that it had to be something. If it was, I was 10 years younger, I got more things because my parents had more money, and I was a figure skater. That is it. Thanks.

Oh, of course my father was at the dinner. It made my mother's night. That is all I have wanted for years, is for my sisters to mature, and make my parents happy and stop being so pig headed. It worked at least one night. :-)

@dogabone. You are so very helpful to people on this site. Please try to remember that I just I gave you this compliment because now I'm going to ask you to try and remember to spell competent as competent, the way it should be spelled, not compAtent. as you've been spelling it. I wonder, has this been on topic? (Oh well it was a tough caregiver night here at my house, and I've got to stop stressing about it and on my stepfather insisting on putting my mother to bed way too early so he can get home to his (their?) apartment and get his sleep. Truth be told I've got to get some much needed sleep, too! As tomorrow morning (no actually it's later this morning!) I'll be gathering together and delivering Christmas gifts to a lot of local families in need, a favorite, privileged day in my volunteer-work calendar. )

The law on disclosure varies according to state. Virginia, for example, allows family members to request complete disclosure from an agent (someone who holds a Power of Attorney) of all finances, etc. relating to the parent. The procedure is this: the interested party (the adult child who isn't holding the POA) should send a certified letter, signature required, to the agent stating the request and asking for reasonable inspection of all financial records, paperwork, etc., and giving the agent the 60 days that the law provides to respond to the request. If the agent does not respond in the amount of time stated and allowed by law, the non-agent (adult child making the request) can then take the agent to court, where a judge will hear why the agent is not providing the requested material. The judge can order the agent to produce the financial information, etc., and if the court feels that the agent has not acted in the best interest of the parent only (without benefiting from the parent's finances as an agent) the judge may order that the agent be removed from the POA.

A person holding POA should keep detailed records of all transactions, paperwork, etc., as they pertain to the parent. The agent should not use the parent's finances to benefit themselves. If an agent has been providing proper financial care for the parent, there is no reason for the agent to refuse to disclose financial information to the other children. By the way: an agent is not entitled to alter a will. An agent who alters life insurance policy beneficiary information when the parent is unaware of the change and has not requested the change and/or has been declared incompetent or mentally incapacitated or has been diagnosed with dementia has committed something called Power of Attorney abuse, which can be considered a crime.

My advice to those who hold POA is to be completely willing to disclose any and all financial information and paperwork to siblings/family members who request it. The family members cannot get hold of the money anyway, if there is any money, so what' the problem? If you don't comply, you could be taken to court, and the judge would most likely wonder why you haven't been forthcoming about the information. Non-disclosure looks like thievery.

I was POA for my Mom and Dad who lived in the same town as me for 35yrs.When my Dad died I was POA for Mom who has dementia. She had a will made up and I was POA for her. I got very ill and my sister who lives in another town revoked me from POA. She has moved my Mom 100 miles away. This happened 4 years ago and she will not talk to me. Can I ask for a statement of my Moms finances? She will not talk to me on the phone and when I go and see Mom it has to be set up through email. I see my Mom at least twice a month. I just want to be sure things are being looked after.

Angela88: I am not sure which state you live in. Laws vary from state to state. The code of your state (all the state laws, etc.) should be readily accessible online. If you live in Virginia, for instance, you can, as an interested party (a child of the person who is incapacitated) request a full accounting of your mother's finances. Please read my post above yours for the complete information.

My suggestion is to do this right away. Again, if this is going on in Virginia, you can give your sister 60 days to provide you with the information. If she doesn't comply, take her to court and let her tell a judge why she won't be forthcoming. If you wait, though, and your mother passes away (I hope she continues to live a healthy, happy life), your sister will have a full year in which to provide you with financial information. Act quickly.

I have Power of Attorney for my mom, and have been doing her finances for a few months. She has short-term memory loss (probably beginning stages of dementia). My brother recently moved in with her and has been making way too many ATM withdrawals. When I asked him what they were for, he asked me why I was monitoring her bank account, and stated that I should just be paying her bills. I asked him if Mom knew he was withdrawing money, and he indignantly answered, "Of course!" I believe that she is a willing participant in handing him money her money, as she also made frequent loans to him while he stayed with me. Do I have any recourse to stop this from happening? I think he is fleecing her, and that is sad - but if she doesn't object to it, what, as POA, can I do?