I can't care for my Mother on weekends and my siblings are forcing me. Any advice?

A little more information is needed here, so I am going to ask a few questions.

1.) Who takes care of your mother during the week?
2.) Do you work during the week?
3.) How many siblings are there?
4.) If your mother needs 24/7 care, have you thought of putting her in a long term care facility?
5.) Does anyone else live with you, besides your daughter?
6.) Would your mother come to your home to be taken care of on the weekend, or would you have to go to where she lives?

Nobody can "force" you to do anything. Maybe you could work something out with your siblings where you alternate weekends taking care of your mother, so it's fair for everyone;

They are guilting you into this because it works! You can't force them to do something, just like they can't force you to do something. You are letting them manipulate you. I say this because it happened to me as well. Then I learned I am entitled to boundaries just like the ones my siblings set. And it isn't my responsibility to plug up all the holes in Mom's care because my siblings aren't doing what I thought they should be doing. I was a teeny bit envious of them because they were able to set boundaries and stick to them, whereas I couldn't. Mom is now in an ALF and I have my life back, visiting her often and then going back to my family, who need me just as much as she does.

Just say no that you need to be at home this weekend and don't show up. They will call you and try to make you feel like poop don't let them. Then call a family meeting and make a new calendar and take one or two weekends a month. Don't show that you scared to leave the family, the way they feel about is not going to change but your household comes first not your mom. You had your child and she needs to come first that is what your mom would do I hope.

Stand up to them and say that "no, you can't take on this responsibility." You've already got enough on your plate.

kdcm1011, I think you are absolutely correct. OP can't force siblings to do anything, including come to a family meeting. Many responses here assume OP has some power or authority to insist what the siblings do. Good luck with that!

Please read through this whole thread, especially the wisdom of JudeAH53. Your daughter needs you. Your siblings must take over some care or mother will need facility care. That may be best in the end, anyway. Whatever you do, don't give in to your siblings. This is not your fault.
Carol

Such great advice! The most crucial is, they can't force you to drive 90 miles to be mom's caregiver anytime, much less based on guilt-tripping you into neglecting your child on a regular basis to do that.
Those used to using us badly, can turn ugly if we suddenly change what we allow...which is their problem--they either see their part in the issue and choose to change, to be allowed to stay in your life, or, they find others who allow them to stay the same.
You can't make them change their attitudes / perspectives, except by choosing to
improve yourself. What they do in response to that, is up to them.

Did I miss who takes care of mom during the week?
Is she on her own M - F? How's that work?
OR...could those providing care on weekdays, also help on weekends??

Things you can do might include: Create a data packet to send, return-receipt-requested registered mail, which includes things like [not in this in order, and not limited to]:
--pamphlets and other information on at least 2 viable facilities which could appropriately serve mom's needs;
--state what your needs and those of your family are [disabled child, work, limited funding, wear-and-tear on your vehicle, etc--what fits your situation].
Putting it in print allows you to edit it to be concise, and they can reread as needed. It should state facts only, about your needs relative to your family, and mom's needs, in the fewest, most concise words.. This is part of necessary legal paper trail.
--could start making 911-well-check calls on mom, as this is also part of a legal paper trail. This is important, when elders might be in a grey-area, not yet diagnosed as being unable or incompetent. Officers observe and document if the living conditions are deficient or untenable.
--include copies of things like in-home evaluation by social worker/home-health nurse, about mom's actual level of care needs; copies of the well-check notes; list her habits/behaviors which substantiate why/how she needs full-time care [hoarding? filth? bills unpaid? no groceries? wandering? acting-out inappropriately? cold? heat? health/fire hazards? etc.].
Why? Because adult children of fading elders often cannot, or refuse to, admit mom needs more care than is realistic for family member[s] alone to provide, until, maybe, they see it in writing.
Also, making a paper-trail protects you: you are performing due-diligence on behalf of your elder who cannot. THAT shows you are trying to do what's needed, and trying to get siblings on-board to work together on it...if they refuse, that is their own neglect, not yours.

I did something like this, trying to get my sibs to at least add their voice to decision-making, so we could work together on it.
Copies of letter were sent listing mom's needs, brief of her behaviors, care facilities which might work for her [or not], and let them know I really wanted all of them to work together on making choices for mom's care. I also let them know mom had signed paperwork to donate her body to medical research and cremation.
[2] brothers refused to sign for their letters; those got returned.
[2] sisters signed for theirs, but refused to communicate rationally or reasonably about it. One of those devolved to calling me a b**ch; the other one, with mom's dysfunctional goading and collusion, eventually pulled-off a "secret-squirrel -007" maneuver,to extract mom from our house to theirs, 3 states away.

The letter sent all of them, was the best way I could think of to avoid confusion of verbal communications; AND it motivated them to do something....it was not necessarily the best thing, or in the best way, and it was done in hurtful ways.
...but it got mom out of our home, which was catastrophically necessary at that point.

They all showed their worst behaviors, though managed to keep civil tongues at least while hauling out mom's hoardings.
This final episode helped me understand to just give them, with love and forgiveness, what their behaviors and words had repeatedly, loudly indicated for years....that they wanted me out of their lives.,
They have communicated very little...mostly silence; a little verbal acting-out...which I ignore.
They seem to have quit making snotty assaults, but likely will fire-off more volleys when mom dies, for my refusal to contact any except via print.
If they email anything that actually needs a response, I answer in the fewest words, just to that question.
And wish them well.
Unless and until they show consistent loving, inclusive and respectful behaviors, and willingness to hold actual sane conversations, I have no other way to understand their decades of repellant behaviors.
Behaviors speak more volumes than words; but mean words sure can ice-the-cake.

Are you willing to keep accepting/putting-up-with, the current situation?
What might you expect to gain by continuing as things are?
Are you willing to make constructive changes? I hope you can! It's tough tasks for those who aren't used to it.
We're rooting for you to handle it for the best outcomes! Keep us posted!

Try this. Gentle Pressure Relentlessly Applied. Pick a phrase or two and repeat them each time your siblings ask you about Mom's care or try to tell you that it is your responsibility. For example, "I hear you saying that you believe I should do more for Mom. I already __________________ (very brief summary). That is all I can do. I work full time and have a disabled child who needs a lot of my attention. I cannot do more. You and Mom's other children each need to pitch in with her care". MEMORIZE IT. If they come back with a series of "but", or "why", then simply say, "I'm doing all that I can for Mom. I cannot take on any more responsibility". That's it. Say it in a clear voice, without shouting, without drama. Over and over and over. It may take a while but eventually they will get it.

When your siblings do pitch in to help thank them specifically for what they have done. "Peter, thank you for going to Mom's and replacing the light bulbs and organizing the mail. I know Mom appreciates seeing you and I appreciate having more time to maintain my own home. Thanks again."

Junior1...You Did Not Mention What Kibd Of Disabilty Your Daughter has..and If the only time your sibs ask for help is the 2 days a week..do the sibs do everything else for her ,,,And are just wanting a respite ??

Junior1, what kind of disability does your daughter have ,/ and do your sibs do all the other care for your mom...mabe they just need a respite for those 2 days , when you are helping...

As adult children we do what we can while juggling other adult responsibilities. If you & your siblings, are unable to help Mom out on the weekends~ it's OK but the only options are to hire folks to come in or AL~ bottom line. As my step-mom said to me yesterday, things aren't going to get easier (with my Mom who is in AL) and as she continually declines there is less that I can do for her. So I had a epiphany reading jeannegibbs insightful response. I need to stop feeling guilty for what I can't do for her; and take pleasure in the things I can~

jeannegibbs and Jude......Excellent replies. Everyone wants their own time and everyone wants to just come and visit. For those of us that were put in a position of 24/7 it's not fair for our siblings to do that to us. No, i didn't have little kids in little league. No, I didn't have a career. But....I did have a life. Had grand kids that I took care of, had husband that still worked hard, had volunteer work that I enjoyed and gave up. Not that my sister didn't care about my mom or dad but she was divorced, worked full time trying to make ends meet, and was main caregiver to her grandson that was older. She lived 10 minutes away and I lived 35 minutes away. I drew the short straw on that one. What was going to be a couple of weeks turned out to be 6 mos. came home on weekends when she could take over then went to just Sat. night to Sunday afternoon. As much as we loved each other there were many fights late at night texting over whose life was more miserable. After 6 mos of getting my dad back on his feet after massive heart attack I FINALLY got my mother squared away in facility and my dad's house sold and him in a retirement community without her help. I had to get my life back. I love my parents but neither one of them would have wanted to EVER be a responsibility or bother for my sister or myself. Still many, many drs appts with my dad but mom is being taken care of and is in a safe place, declining but the facility is taking better care of her than I can. I check on her as much as I can. Unfortunately, I lost my sister a couple of years ago but I know she was only doing the best that she could. Sorry I'm rambling here but don't let your siblings bully you. It was only me and my sister. Like Jude said.....call that mtg and stand strong. We all here have your back. You are lucky that you have siblings to help out (even if they don't want to) . some of us don't have that luxury. Good luck and may God Bless.

junior1 , I completely understand as I have two kids with a mixture of ADHD,ODD,Violence, Anxiety, Possible Autism and Sensory Processing Issues, I too am expected to give my attention to my grandfather. ( even if our kids didnt have any mental or physical issues, kids no matter are first as we cant juggle everyone, the love is there I see it, you can be there for your mom, just as what you can, nothing more. ) Also I was told to wait until he dies to find a job as he pays our bills( he does not pay for food, medical, odds and ends) I was told my kids should be made to understand this. I was suppose to be checking in/light cargiving that turned full time. They said IF I had other family to help then a shift would be ok, but sis came down and they are mad she is helping him!! Neighbors of his /mine along with a friend said I should as its MY duty for all he does. He does the same for other family so why me? Yes Im in town, my dad is ill and cant, my sis just came back and gpa is forcing her to care for him now as I go just to help lift him to get to places( takes two of us girls). I dont mind helping, hes family even though theres issues there, but I just cant do as they want either.

We have well off family retired and non who flies all over but yet doesnt come here. So, this board said kids first( I did put them first but tried putting gpa and my died first too, it doesnt work) then any time then can help in whatever way you can. Its hard, the guilt and obligation to care for your mom, your child, and yes, you!!! They wont like that your putting your foot down, but you need help with your mom, you need to care for your daughter and you. Since January, I have been firm! My health got worse too, dont let this happen to you, take some time for you please.

Sorry to make this long, I didnt read through all the replies but I do know they all gave you great advice and support already so I cant add much. Just wanted to say your not alone and I understand as well as lend you my support. Being firm and sticking to it is hard, but needed. I just wanted to let you know Im going through it and you can do this too. This forum is wonderful and honest, will give the the best support you can get. Many hugs!!

***oops my spelling, meant dad not died...

I am a full time caregiver to parents, Has anyone else turned against their family because they are caring the load and everyone else has a life and really won't do much. I think when this is over I won't contact a lot of family maybe again. I am not really mad just am done I was thrown out with the dish water as they say. Hard to be close to people who just won't help you. Just wondering if this is normal.

Hoping being a full time care-giver is really tough and it isn't for everyone - it is ONLY for those who can bear the load AT THAT TIME AND PLACE in their lives. It would be really easy to blame (hate that word) siblings/family for not doing more BUT and it is a big but - if you hate it /don't want to do it/feel miserable then start to look at other options.

PLEASE don't do it out of a sense of duty - it is NOT a duty. It is a commitment that can last years and if you decide to continue, you must take that into account.

HOWEVER, you can say NO. If it is too much for you - period- then you have to say time to change the arrangements, have a family meeting or if they really don't want to know then a Skype or email conversation.

When you say family I am not sure whether you mean siblings. Well meaning siblings who cannot/will not do the hands on care but see fit to criticise do my head in and (with the exception of my cousin who has dementia) I tell them to hold the criticisms until they have walked the walk.

Sometimes however the criticism is not of the care you give but is out of concern for the fact you are not coping and sometimes outsiders (even family outsiders) see that better than you can because you are so involved/stressed etc that you can't see the wood for the trees.

Let's shed a little light on that dark tunnel you're in. Repeat after me I am not worthless and I can change things. That is going to be your mantra every day. And every day you have to put a little extra in to establish your NEEDS - said it before will say it again - your NEEDS (not wants) MUST be met.

You NEED respite - you MUST have time away from your parents and I don't mean a couple of hours to do the grocery shopping - that is NOT time away - that is another chore. Time away means taking time out to stop and smell the flowers along life's journey. Respite should NOT be a couple of hours - it simply is not enough time to recharge batteries. Respite is NOT taking your parents out for the day or on holiday - thats just part of the care package

Real respite is having your parents cared for while you do WHAT YOU WANT TO DO and if you want to lie in bed and sleep for a week that's fine (not advisable but fine).

So having done that little extra to determine what your NEEDS are...now your next bit is to work out how to make that happen. Trust me the state doesn't want you to be ill - for then someone else has to do the care and that costs money. Apply a little pressure and see what's out there.. Charitable groups/the church/ grants/ plus all the usual Medicaid. Hassle social services/your doctor - they get PAID a handsome sum to very often do a piss poor job so make them earn their money.

If your parents have money then they must spend it. Lie if you absolutely have to and tell them your Blood Pressure is through the roof and the doc says you need to rest. Whatever you do get yourself that break - then perhaps you will see things differently. It may be you need them to go into some sort of AL or other care facility but right now you are not seeing the alternatives - day groups, afternoon teas etc.

Good luck Hoping - time for you to do some serious thinking and take action - if you don't change anything you won't get anything different and you NEED something different xxxx bless ya

Lots of good feedback has been provided. Hopefully you will be able to consider some suggestions. I do understand the financial hardship of hiring someone to help out but it can be well worth the investment. Fair or not sometimes siblings are not able to help. My sister handles stress or responsibility by avoiding it. My relationship with my sister almost did not survive the hardship of caring for dad. If I were to do it all over again, I would still be the main care provider but I would hire an helper sooner and depend less upon my sister.

It may be time to have the county step in as her conservator.

The subject of sibling support is such a complex one. Like so many here, I am one of six, divorced, a male, own my business and have a multitude of responsibilities. Yet, I care for my mom…who is very difficult, excessively demanding and abusive. The answer is not easy but I placed her in an assisted living facility and use the funds from the sell of her house to pay for it. I recognize that this is not possible for some and in that case, a nursing home is the answer. When my mother's money is depleted, I plan to move her to a nursing home. Even in assisted living or a nursing home...having an abusive parent who demands you come and do can still be extremely difficult. As hard as it sounds, most of us have cell phones that allow us to block a caller. I have reached the point where I keep my mother on "blocked" when I cannot be harassed. I call and go check on her frequently and know that if there is an issue, the nursing staff will call me. When I am there and she starts with her angry blast and threats, I simply smile, kiss her forehead and tell her I'm leaving and will be back when she calms down. That seems to work for a few days. We "rinse and repeat" often. There may be some who think this approach is harsh. When I first moved her from another state to my area to care for her, I almost lost my mind trying to please her. She was absolutely…and still is…a train wreck of abuse and demands. I was sick, emotionally exhausted and miserable. A very wise counselor helped me map the plan and…while there are still days when I feel like ramming my head through a wall…most days I find it is manageable this way. My siblings can only complain and point fingers. But remember that "block caller" button on your phone. That works for siblings too and I highly recommend you use it. I've been very clear with everyone that if they want to do things differently, please…by all means…come and get her and I will help you pack. It's hard. Loving a parent does not mean you have to lay down and allow them to make you the floor mat. Caregiving is very hard if you have a normal, loving parent. But to have an abusive and overly demanding parent…well…only you can put in place the measures to appropriately manage the situation. I recommend making the change and then not beating yourself up.

Have you looked into a geriatric case manager and/or a family mediator? Sometimes it's well worth purchasing a couple hours of their time to assess your mother and meet with all of you. JudeAH's reply was very helpful and filled with good suggestions, but (with sibs especially) big meetings can fall apart into old, predictable patterns. An outside person can sometimes get people to see what's right in front of their faces.

sounds like great family - I hope all are sharing - unless they walk in your shoes, they should be silent.

There are many good thoughts and suggestions shared before I arrived here. I wondered about the Monday through Friday care as well. The first thought/question that I had in response to 'if something happens to mom it's your fault' was...If something happens to/with your Daughter...Who will be at 'fault'? I absolutely agree that your child is a priority. I felt a little indignant that your siblings should appear to suggest that your daughter should not have a caretaker that she needs.

DON'T EVER FEEL GUILTY ABOUT TAKING ON THAT RESPONSIBILITY!!! We all feel guilty UNTIL you are taking care of a loved one that is a senior and needs 24/7 care!! I can assure you...you will NOT be able to be there for your daughter...and I think the young ones need your care first! Don't give in...you will regret it. Try and work something out or put your parent in a facility...and visit her often! Goooood luck!

Junior, I have a similar situation. My husband and I decided that my 96 year old mother should not live on her own anymore so we had her move in with us back in December. My sister and brother lived only 5 minutes away when she lived alone but would never stop by and rarely called her. They couldn't (wouldn't) deal with her forgetfulness. They denied the fact that she had dementia and didn't see why she couldn't still live on her own. After Mom moved in with us they called only on the holidays and her birthday. They live 21/2 hours away and yet they've only come up once, together, and took her out to lunch. They stayed only 4 hours before heading home. My mom had a TIA on 7/3 - all of a sudden they paid more attention to her. If she was still living at home I don't think she would have survived the stroke. We are now looking into an assisted living facility despite having promised Mom that I wouldn't. She has been diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's so her physician strongly urged her to agree to this. I have little or no use for my siblings and I have all but said that to them directly. My husband and I need to take care of ourselves as well... This is so important when being a 24/7 caregiver. I also attend a caregiving support group which has helped tremendously. Try to take care of yourself, Junior.

My siblings are forcing me to do weekends and I have a special needs daughter as well. They are taking me to probate court to force me to do it. They claim it will be put under 'visitation rights' like as in a divorce with children. I won't be able to see my mom unless I take her for the weekend. Does anyone have advise for me?

I don't know...but I do not believe anyone can force you to take care of your parent!!! if so....all those on this board that have sisters and brothers that don't help...would have posted what you did above! i agree with everyone else here...you daughter has special needs!!! you take care of her and yourself! time for mom to go into a senior living facility.

I have never heard of this before. Probate is for wills. Just say a Special needs child takes all you time and energy. You will help as much as u can in other areas but can't spend a weekend taking care of ur Mom, period.

Very good answers here.
Most of the best involve setting realistic, rotational limits on other's use of you and your resources.
Limit setting should be a learned skill from childhood, but, too often, instead of that, we get taught how to cave-in to being guilt-tripped.
Please look into respite care, or a senior day care center [if she's up/mobile].
Your local ages Agency on Aging might have some possible resources to help with home care for Mom, too.
Last resort is putting her into a facility, which is very costly, one way or another.
Maybe check with local churches to see if there might be any volunteers who could give some time-off from elder care.
Always background check the persons who might be coming to the house to do elder care.
Hope things go well for you; just know that, in families who use guilt-tripping tactics, it's fairly common for them to resist ever "working cohesively" together to accomplish Mom's care, because it's not about their busy weekends....it's really about them not wanting to do elder care...they'll think up any excuse, including refusing to sign for "return receipt requested" letters.
[I did that, to make sure they got them, asking them to work together---2 refused to pick up the letters; one waited until the last minute before it would have been sent back; none answered the letters. It was clear none wanted to participate in working together; all were inclined to emotionally tear each other to bits to avoid working together.]
If a person fails to set reasonable limits on others use of them, it makes it way too easy to end up in predicaments we cannot abide. Sometimes it requires getting help for ourselves to learn this skill, which a good councilor can help with.

Siblings, right?!!! I've been taking care of my parents finances for five years. When I started things were a mess. It took six months just to figure out what they had and where they had it. Being depression era babies they had squirreled away their money in over a dozen different places and doing their taxes that first year..! So about two months ago I was at my ropes end for lots of reasons. I was venting to my brother - which I should have known better than to expect any support from. He says that maybe I've been doing it for too long and it's time for him to take over. I responded with a huge NO. Over the years I had made adjustments and consolidations that now has everything running smoothly and much easier to oversee. Plus my parents had managed to save a pretty hefty chunk of change. My brother has been known to do questionable things to feather his own nest. But after a week of more crap from my mom I decided to turn things over to my brother. It would be worth it to get my life back. I call him and tell him if my decision - he says " what? I didn't really mean it." Lol!!!

Bbear.....your mom is 96 and your doctor has stated she has "early" onset dementia?? 96, seriously?? Early onset is in your late 60's or 70's maybe but not 96. I would think that would be more age related than dementia. Either way good luck with that. Junior....some siblings aren't equipped to take on the emotional responsibilities....some of us are....don't want to but we do it. Don't feel guilty if you just can't do it and don't let them guilt you. We all do what we can WHEN we can. Long gone are the days when everyone chips in and does their part. We are too spread out over the country, spread to thin with our jobs or families. I do the best I can, when I can with my parents and grandkids. Keeping the sick grandson today and tomorrow, dad wants to go see mom in dementia facility sometime this week then HE has dr. appt this week also. Sister passed away 2 years ago, lived within 10 minutes but still had her job and taking care of her grandson. We can't do everything for everyone. Used to think I could but landed me with almost a nervous breakdown. Just do the best YOU can, WHEN you can. That's all we can do. Make sure your loved one is in a good facility and getting good care. Good Luck and God Bless us ALL.