Both parents have had combination of strokes or heart issues. Our son says he has no desire to cause them unnecessary emotional or mental harm that could result in physiological harm, and he is okay if he never sees them again. They are highly opinionated against LGBTQ. But it is so sad as they will be moving in with us, which means we won’t be able to invite him home for holidays, etc.
Your child is still the same beloved grandchild as they were before, just in an altered outer package.
I assure you, your parents will be fine. Surprised? Amused? Confused? Who knows! Let it be what it will be. Stay calm and carry on.
Or, do they HAVE to move in with you?
My advice would be not to make a big announcement or deal out of it with your parents at all. I certainly wouldn’t make any moves to keep your child away from your home or them either. I don’t know the details of where he is in his journey but even out in the open and accepted I think his journey of transitioning or not will be along one, it isn’t something that just happens overnight and my instinct says let him be who he is and let your parents bring it up if the changes screen out at them. You never know they might adjust to each little change if it’s happening over time. It does sound like he is aware and wants to make this as easy as possible for them and for you, just as you do for him by the sounds of it so perhaps trying not to shock them or force the discussion is something he will be ok with. My guess is as long as you are being accepting supporting his change and discovery he won’t have the need to force feed or create confrontation. So maybe not dressing in drag for instance when he come over but if he’s growing his hair out, let it grow, if he’s painting his nails...maybe he can cope with your parents using the name you gave him at birth or a nickname you can start using more rather than a new name if that’s what he’s choosing. If he has been Scooter (my dad always called me that) all his life to some just use that around your house and if he is John and wants to become Jill, maybe “J”. I’m not advocating hiding anything from your parents just not making any deal out of it, let it develop organically and if they feel the need to bring it up, fine then you discuss it. It may very well be that instinct and self preservation will stop them from asking, elders can have a wonderful ability to live in their own little world, denial even and if you and your son can allow that (not force it by hiding and not force it by “coming out” with them) it might be easier than you fear.
Keep loving them all, your son and your parents for who they are and accepting them faults and all. After all we all have faults but learning to allow those around you to have theirs frees everyone up for enjoying the things we have in common or love about each other.
Wishing you an open, full and peaceful household.
🤦🏼♀️ (again!)
Your parents will probably not realize the situation if the dementia is affecting them.
I could never forbid my children from my home because of a lifestyle that others my not accept.
Best to you
I have to agree about the identifier of “they” and “them” when referring to a singular transgender, gender neutral, gender fluid, non binary, etc. person
- that it can be a struggle for me to get it right.
It has nothing at all to do with any identifier resistance - I’m just grammatically challenge, in general. Like you, I found the best was to remedy the problem is to simply call the individual by their chosen name.
Its in reference to a post a while back that said something along the line of the son “enjoys wearing woman’s clothes”...
Just to clarify - there is a difference between being a Transgender and being a Transvestite.
“Definition of transvestite
: a person who wears clothes designed for the opposite sex : a cross-dresser
An older term for crossdresser is transvestite. Crossdressers often dress only in certain situations. They do not usually identify as transgender—most identify as straight men.” ~ Webster’s
“Definition of transgender
: of, relating to, or being a person whose gender identity differs from the sex the person had or was identified as having at birth
especially : of, relating to, or being a person whose gender identity is opposite the sex the person had or was identified as having at birth.”
~ Webster’s
I am friends with a couple - man and woman - who have been married about 30 years and have three lovely grown children. The husband is transvestite. There is nothing “effeminate” about him at all. The only reason I know is because his wife told me - and she also says he’s heterosexual - almost too heterosexual in fact, as he still chases her around the house as much as when they were first married.
Anyhoo - the emerging world of sexuality in the 21st century can be confusing. For instance “Queer” use to be an insult but now the word is embraced by the LGBTQ+ community.
Out of respect for my LGBTQ+ friends I endeavor to educate myself and get the terminology right.
My mother is 93.5; she is racist and a bigot; she hates everyone equally, all races, all ethnicities, all sexual preferences that aren't straight and even those who ARE straight but have 'too much sex' or 'too many children'. She even hates women who have large breasts b/c that means they're 'whores'. I was raised to fear people of color or anyone who was 'different' than me. I rejected that mentality b/c it never made sense to me; people seemed to all be equal in my mind, but not in HER mind.
What are the chances any of us are going to bring around our parents who are of this mindset and age, and who were raised in such a way? My daughter has zero tolerance for my mother who uses slurs when speaking of homosexuals and has to leave her presence when such a thing happens. I ignore her, for the most part, b/c I'm not going to change her, nor am I going to try, especially with dementia when she forgets EVERYTHING. She may agree to an idea one minute, then forget it the next. What they do believe is set in stone inside of their brains; it's not going to change. So for me, lengthy explanations about anything is a waste of time. Here's how things are; take it or leave it mother; like it or lump it, in other words. You don't have to AGREE with it to pretend you ACCEPT it.
Expecting elderly parents to accept and understand transgender matters can be a bit unrealistic, imo. Their brains, as a rule, aren't wired that way. This is 'new age' thinking for a new world; not something they understand or want to understand. That said, we have to do what WE have to do to make OUR lives run smoothly for ourselves and our children. If our parents can't/won't understand or accept OUR life situations, then they shouldn't be subjected to it 24/7. Just my humble opinion; I sure wouldn't want my folks living in MY house and feeling like I had to walk on eggshells for ANY reason!!
When my son wanted to get engaged to a terrible girl who we all disliked for very valid reasons, I prayed to God it wouldn't happen. When it seemed as thought it WOULD happen, I had them both over for dinner one night. I hugged her and welcomed her into the family. What other choice did I have? I would lose my son if I didn't accept HER as part of HIM. They were a package deal. See where I'm going with this? Turned out they broke up, thank God, and he's married to a great gal now who's pregnant with my first grandchild, so it all worked out in the end.
Foe many people being gay is an abstract, especially the older generations when it was all underground and never spoken of. So while your parents may condemn them as a whole, they can still love a single grandchild.
If you choose to bring your parents into your home and your son's transition becomes a topic I suggest you lay down some ground rules about what they can say or do. It's your house and you have the right to invite anyone into it without their permission.
Look forward 10-15 years, what is more important to you? Having placated your parents at the expense of a relationship with your son? Or being a part of his life for the rest of yours? Good luck, let us know how it goes.
Imagine the emotional harm you will inflict upon your child by choosing to prioritize your parents' prejudices over standing up for him.
You would move people into your home who won't recognize your son as a valid and valued human being?
Then sit them in front of the tv and watch a few episodes of Modern Family. especially the holiday episodes. Then they may understand.
Perhaps, you don't need to say anything. Perhaps they may know already. perhaps, ...
That said, it is your child's decision whether to come out to his grandparents, not yours.
Their cognitive ability is steady diminishing. Their ability to comprehend has diminished.
YOU may remember the conversation but they may not, so why bother.
They may remember their grandchild.
They may or may not remember their grandchild’s visit, most likely they will not.
Their present moment doesn’t last long, everything is over with them while you may continue to be upset.
In the dementia world everything is just a fleeting moment.
They forget about our conversations so fast, it is amazing, I guess because we have the burden of remembering.
Don’t worry about it.
I’ve just finished reading the autobiography of John Mortimer (Rumpole of the Bailey author). His father famously became completely blind, but this was never never acknowledged out loud in the family or outside it. If they could do it successfully for years, perhaps your family could manage too.
I can speak from experience, having a trans son (M2F). My mom, who is a devout Christian, loves him just as much before she knew that he was trans. The way she sees it, he is her grandson and while she does not have to condone or accept his lifestyle (which to him, acceptance of his lifestyle equals acceptance and love of him), she loves him unconditionally. This is a huge turnaround from when I was growing up- she would throw a huge fit at me when I'd have my long-haired male friends over!!
Her stance is she has turned it over to the Lord and all she can do is pray (which is my stance as well with a little preaching thrown in lol). She does sometimes ask him questions or say some things to him in love. She is 81 and starting to have memory issues, so my son lets anything she says roll off his back- he chalks it up to her being old. Her mobility is also very very bad, so most days, my mom's only focus is just surviving and she doesn't concentrate on much else.
This is in contrast to my husband, who is not a Christian, but completely opposed to the LGTBQ lifestyle and lets it affect his relationship with our son.
I hope this helps you in some way. I wish you the best!
1. Moving your parents in with you will cause a lot of heartache and problems. If they are so strict and old school, your whole life will change to accommodate them. Plus, it is an error to move parents in, period.
2. How can you even think of moving your parents into your house and making your son stay away?? What are you thinking! Good way to hurt your child. Make him feel unwelcome! Nice move Mom. Unbelievable!
As you implied, most holiday traditions are to gather family to remember or celebrate. A little word play, but at the root of conservative is conserve. One could argue that conserving family unity is conservative.
I told my oldest he could visit our home as long as he and his friend were not showing intimate affection for each other they could visit. A few years ago at Christmas time we met my oldest and his friend for dinner, not one minute after they arrived they started with the honey this and that making our youngest who was 9 at the time wonder what was going on with the honey this and that. She'd forgotten all about it by the time we got home. Later I called my oldest and told him, he lost my confidence and respect for his behavior in front of such a small child with special needs. We still talk on the phone but I've told him I can no longer travel and if he came to visit again, he'd have to come to our house alone. He is an alcoholic and abuses several of the more exotic drugs, yes I love him but I have to look out for my youngest who is 26 years younger than he is. My wife and I will judge when she will be told about his lifestyle.
I was diagnosed with early onset ALZ four years ago, and I am declining. Many readers won't like my position, but my wife and I devoutly practice our faith. We all must do what is best for our family, We are responsible for our family, nobody else's. I wish you all the best.