Mom is 84 and lives with us. Starting to lose words, unable to find the right word (usually a noun) and getting cranky. Lately she takes EVERYTHING personally, and thinks we believe she's "always wrong," even something that's just a different view. Typical conversation:
Mom: It's much cooler today, isn't it?
Granddaughter, age 21 and exceedingly polite and deferential to her grandmother: "Oh gosh, it feels warm to me but that's probably because I've been running around with the dogs."
Mom: <really snottily> "Oh. Well I'm wrong then. Again."
It's like this EVERY time she states an opinion. If we don't immediately and completely agree, she takes great offense and gets into a snit because "we're picking on her" and "you think I'm always wrong." Now she's taken to saying "I know!" indignantly when we tell her anything. Typical conversation:
Me: "Mom, you have a doctor's appointment on Friday at 4 pm."
Mom: "I know!"
Me: "Oh ok, well I"m just looking at my planner and thinking out loud; I got a reminder call so thought I'd just mention it."
Mom: "Yeah, I KNOW!"
This happens even when it's something I am CERTAIN she DOESN'T know, like the fact that we still have cat food on the shelf:
Mom: "We need cat food."
Me: "Hmm, I thought I bought it last time I was at the store. Let me check.... yes, there's a box of cans on the shelf."
Mom: <indignant> "I KNOW!"
HOW do I deal with this? Should we just always agree with her, no matter what? Is that a fair expectation?
What is this? Her anger is really impacting my family. We are so kind, helpful, and work so hard to reduce all stress for her, and we just get this resentment. If we moved, or she lived alone, she would not be able to live. She doesn't drive, uses a walker, and relies on us for almost everything from her laundry to her groceries to her mail to bathing. All of which we perform gladly and with a smile. It's getting so hard and I am so tired. My husband, daughter (home from college now, in the summer) are saints, but I feel badly. Daughter confided that she can't wait to go back to college, but it's her senior year, and I know she'll have to come back next May. We used to have such a happy home.
I guess I'm just venting. I feel like I have no one to bounce this off of and am really at loose ends. Thanks for listening.
That conversation got some things out on the table. He was frustrated b/c he has lost his freedom to drive and feels trapped. I work on more outings and his he has kept his temper and those constant rude responses under control. My threat stands. If he flies into a temper one more time, he’s going to a facility.
We have to set healthy limits as caregivers. I cared for both parents and my brother simultaneously and my husband joined the list. I am not Wonder Woman.
Even with dementia, my husband has not forgotten to behave since I drew the line.
Many discussions on here touch on whether we try to please them all the time, or avoid arguments, and you must be willing to rile her sometimes to get things accomplished. You want to be gentle and kind, of course! But none of us gets through the day without being teed off sometimes, she can take it.
I have a series of Oh acknowledgment noises that I make throughout Mom’s diatribes on things I don’t agree with or that make no sense and are inconsequential. Earlier on I was still trying to have two-way conversations but they're really one-way now. She isn’t ‘discussing’ she’s, like, staying in touch with the world by mouthing things. I always think of that movie - was it Forget Paris? - where Billy Chrystal’s dad had to read out loud every slogan and sign he saw.
Your mom *is* the odd one out in your home, that’s kind of unfortunate she feels ganged up on. Can you get her to anything, anyplace sometimes where there are other folks like her? Invite over any friends she has?
Book recommendations are always great, plus I see a counselor (I’m the only child and relative, too) and it’s very helpful.
Best to you! 💐
Right now mom lives in an independent living residence and I have home care with her approx. 10 hours a day. I live in a townhouse and couldn’t have her living with me.
Have you looked into home care?
I have now decided that mom needs to be in a assisted living/memory care facility. Can your mom afford that? If so, you need to start looking. It is a very hard process as there are many facilities out there. If you think mom may have an issue with that, look into respite care - where mom tries out living in a facility for a few weeks or so.
Also, a lot of these facilities have groups you can go to. These are so you can talk to others that are in the exact same boat you are. It’s so nice to realize you aren’t alone - AND the best part is that you don’t have to have your parent residing there to be in these groups.
Most importantly, you and your family MUST take care of yourselves. As you know, if you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t help others.
I’m here if you need to talk.
My mother is always right, like your mother. If I'm feeling feisty, I will counter her. But often I just don't say anything. My mother has bad hearing, and it's exhausting having to repeat everything over and over.
BUT...my mother doesn't live with me (and never will). I can drive off and leave her to her shut-in life, and I am around her as little as possible (my role is her driver).
Your mother lives with you, so there is no escape. I am wondering if you have plans for when she becomes too much to handle? Are you willing to at some point provide transfer assistance, toileting help, changing diapers, getting up with her multiple times per night, etc? Would she qualify for Medicaid to she could be placed in a facility? Please don't tell us you have promised her to never put her in a facility!
you made a statement like "I’m notoriously bad about self care"...like Dr. Phil, I’d like to ask "how’s that working for you?" Not good I’m sure. You better get exceptionally good about self care because you are worth it and you need it to survive.
There is a thin book I’d like to recommend by a psychologist who counsels adult children of difficult parents. You can get it on amazon. Called "Loving hard to love parents" by Dr Paul Chafetz. It was very helpful to me. It helps you with responses and ways to cope with their behavior.
I am grateful for that as she does get an attitude just like your mother.
I found there is no easy way to deal with it.
My MIL had designated her son as DPOA with her daughter as second. My husband, her son has had a stroke and has dementia, the daughter refuses to help so we had to get a third party Guardian appointed.
Could you get outside help with your mom? She probably wouldn't like it, my MIL didn't at first either.
Take care, it is a tough situation.
Getting your mom
My dad is suffering (we all are) from his progressive dementia. His short term memory is very limited. He's in Assisted Living. He was very combative with the staff. However, we now have Hospice Care in there 7 days a week for several hours. Those people are so amazing. It's just a few hours with the same person daily who is not family. It gives us all a break. Good luck and prayers....and take time for yourself.
If, after you talk to her doctor----and DO talk to her doctor---the doc says he's done some basic Q&A testing with your mom and he thinks she's not suffering from dementia symptoms, then call her out on her behavior.
She may be depressed as she is recognizing that something isn't quite right. That's understandable. My In-laws ended up both being put on Zoloft at their gerontologist suggestion under the heading of "it will help with your feelings and memory issues". Folks of their generation think you're broken if you're depressed.
However, you and your family do not deserve to walk on eggshells every time she opens her mouth. Just as you said, it is affecting everyone. Can you see you and your husband living with this behavior until she passes away? It sounds like she's otherwise in very good health. For all your kindness, you are being repaid with hatred. She may be hating herself and not you, but it has to be worked out, one way or another.
Do NOT always agree (as you asked). It will end up eating you alive.
I am sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you and your family love one another very much and your Mom, too. It sounds like she's not herself, and you'll have to step in and get her some help.
I'd also explore what types of care that she might be entitled to. It's not for the children of the person to pay. They pay with their own income or assets, and if they don't have enough, they may qualify for state or federal assistance with the costs. There are normally, some forms of in home assistance too.
Just out of curiosity, could you try acknowledging her view point?
Mom: it seems cooler out today.
Niece: I think your right, I've been out with the dogs and I'm melting but I would be a puddle if it hadn't cooled down some.
She is loosing control of everything, she probably just wants to feel like she hasn't completely lost her mind.
Empathy goes a long way when dealing with the elderly, the young adults in your home need to have more for grandma.
Obviously you have been caring for your mom for a long time and you love her very much, so go get a vacation for you and hubby, come back rested and let her be right. As long as no one is in danger, what can it hurt? I bet she feels better after your vacation as well, to much of a good thing is just that, too much. But get that urine test first.
Some times when we are exhausted the little things get beyond our borders and we can't reason out how to deal with them. You really need a break from caregiving and time for you to get back in balance. It is so important that as a caregiver you give care to yourself, not always easy but always important.
For a long time we did try agreeing with her at every turn. Sometimes, it's just not possible-- such as when she insists that she puts ketchup in her chili recipe (she never, ever has, and I've her chili for 48 years) and she's standing there while I'm cooking, or when she insists that the next left is the way to her doctor's appointment, but the next left is a one-way street and her doctor's office is six miles ahead on the right. Is there a strategy that you recommend for those types of instances?
A vacation sounds heavenly, but it's just not in the cards right now, not with college tuition, and mom to care for. I'm notoriously bad at self-care. I need to do better.
Some of the things that you described with your mother made me curious. There are multiple causes of dementia, such as Alzheimers, strokes, Parkinsons,'s etc. But, there are some conditions that manifest mainly with personality changes and aphasia (loss of words). I'd explore it, but, you may need an expert, because a GP, might not be equipped to diagnose it. I'd ask them to rule out Lewy Body dementia. I'm not saying she has that, but, I'd research it and keep it in mind, if you get the chance to speak with her doctor. You might also rule out things like UTI, vitamin deficiency, infections, medication reaction, etc. All can cause a change in behavior and cognitive decline.
If it is dementia, the behavior progresses over time, but, there is no way to know how long one phase may lasts. I would investigate options for her care, since living in a miserable home is really not healthy. The stress will really take a toll on you and your family.
She keeps talking about going to an attorney and drawing up DPA and Health POA paperwork, but when I (gently) push the issue, she becomes obstinate. I'm her only living relative and we are quite close (she lives with us) so I can't imagine why she'd have a problem with it, and yet it's like she refuses to acknowledge that she needs to get this done, that she's not 65 anymore. Thanks again for your reply; I found this website not long ago and I've found so much great information here. As I said, I have no living relatives and am finding this difficult to say the least.
I would do that because it sounds like there may be a few symptoms of dementia going on.
My mother got very angry and self righteous in stages 4 and 5. She was a pistol and became argumentative and aggressive.
Have the doctor set up an appointment with a geriatric neurologist who can examine her and give her more lengthy tests.
Am I entitled to talk to her doc?
It sounds as though a convo with her Pcp is called for, I'd send the doctor a written list of the symptoms you are observing and ask her/his advice about how to proceed.
I'd get her in to see a geriatric psychiatrist in any event. Her irritability sounds like it's having an impact on everyone and needs to be addressed.
Any and all of those could be causing the symptoms you describe. Meds might help.