Should my young family move in with my parents and brother to assist in caregiving?

Could you try it out - and if it doesn't work out for you/r family, make other arrangements. You could also researach / find a care MANAGER (what I do) to find caregivers, many needs, keep you informed.

Clearly, your dad needs help. You can find help / assistance.

That you would need to uproot your children from their school would be / is a serious consideration.

We do not know if this 'can work' as you ask.
It is something you need to weigh the pros and cons yourself.

Take out emotion of GUILT (be aware of how / why you decide as you do / are). Be realistic in your decision making.

If you make a decision based on emotions, it may steer you in non-workable decision. If it were me, as best I can put myself in your position, I would hire a medical social worker or someone highly experienced in care management for the specific needs - and have them keep you in the loop on a daily / regular basis. The situation will continue to change / decline. I know you know this. I'd recommend starting with the least obstructive change (find someone to manage / hire caregivers / work the land (as needed), do carpentry/hand-person work)... and then see how that goes.

I wouldn't jump to moving or if you lean that direction, consider all your options and the pros and cons.

Gena Galenski / Touch Matters

I’m the unpopular opinion. We moved my mom in with us. She was mid stage Alzheimer’s at that point. After spending a year, driving 30 minutes each way, to the next town, to give meds, and check on her, she finally was unable to manage on her own.
She was one of those unfortunate people that had a TIA after each shot and booster, and even a flu shot. Six total. Doctor said her sister had to stop taking her in for them, or a stroke will occur. She was told she could not go back to her house after the last one, a year and a half ago.
Mom is now late stage Alzheimer’s. She tripped two weeks ago, fell into her dresser, and broke her hip, resulting in a partial hip replacement. She is up and back to being the Energizer Bunny. I flew my daughter, who lives in the Yukon, down to help out with Grandma. She is flying home today, after two weeks. I believe fully that grandchildren seeing and helping with aging grandparents is so important. Developing empathy early, and seeing compassion in their parents is amazing to their development. They need to see the value in the relatives who’ve loved them more than themselves. To know that these things can happen to each and every one of us, and how important it is to know that when you are sick, and suffering, that they are also loved and not alone.
All days are hard at this point, but Alzheimer’s is a terminal illness, and deserves the care and love that anyone with cancer would receive.
Kudos to your dad for managing to this point. To you as well, for considering this endeavour. Your children will remember, will consider their parents, in their later years, and understand what they are going through.
If your dad is still doing for your mom, you would just need to work out what everybody's responsibilities are, and where your dad would most appreciate your help.
Kids are not frightened by old people and strange behaviour, they are far more accepting than adults. Explaining all questions they have fixes whatever may come up.
Your children being there will slow down your mom’s decline. Children are like magic to folks in these situations.
you will cry, and you will get angry, and you will learn to not blame yourself for the feelings you have. Your mom won’t either. You will have to remember her each day for the woman she was before. She still is, just somewhere harder to find. You will be there for her to live and then die with dignity.
Rent your house, if you can.
As for your brother….we have a 33 year old, very disabled daughter at home with us.
we manage.
The situation is temporary, and the end of it is her dying, so I’ll appreciate whatever time I have with her, and cry when it’s hard.
The slow goodbye is the worst, but so much worse for them.
If your husband is supportive, you will be fine.
It will be the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do, on a daily basis.
When all of you need help with grandma, accept help. We are at this point and just beginning to arrange for a bit of in-home care.
The property sounds wonderful, and you would definitely be able to retreat outside, with the kids, for endless fun, when things are tough in the house, or just on your mind.
Good luck, in whatever your choice is.
Beautiful that you are even considering it, even if you can’t in the end.

Parenthelp513,
No, you should not leave your home to move your family into your parents' home. Nor should you be a hands on carer.

It might sound fine on paper, and there's always a possibility that it could work out fine, but there's an even bigger possibility that things could go downhill fast.

71 is still young. Your life could be taken over by caregiving - firstly for your mum, then later for your dad. Perhaps, for another twenty odd years.
What about your children who need you? They should come first.

Stop helping your father to look after your mum and help him to arrange for carers to come in to your mum.

Similarly, help your dad to see that it's time to make alternative arrangements for your brother. He won't be able to look after him and your mum; plus, as someone else said, it's better for your brother to transition to a residential placement while his parents are still alive and can support him. You can't take on his care, either.

If your parents don't have money, then they should sell and downsize, so that they are able to pay for the ongoing care that they will need. I'm sorry, but things are only going to get worse. It's better to accept that now, so you can deal with it.

If your parents do have the money and don't yet need to sell up, then your children will have some nice memories of visiting grandparents and spending time outdoors, or showing off their new swimming skills to Grandma and Grandpa.

My mum is 76 and old before her time, following a severe stroke, and she now has dementia. My grandchildren, a little older than your children, like visiting their great grandparents, but feel uncomfortable and sometimes scared when Mum's having a bad day. If they lived with her, they would witness far more bad days.

Finally, what if you sell your home and can't afford to buy another, and all the money tied up in your parents' home is required to pay for theirs and your brother's care? What will happen to your family then?

I know that some families have no choice, but it sounds like you do.

Don't feel guilty about not doing as much hands on care for your parents as they did for you; instead, think about how guilty you would feel if you didn't provide the same care for your children as you had from your parents. Be a parent to them.

I agree with pretty much everyone else....don't move in with them. I helped my dad (who had dementia) remotely for about 6 months....commuted 163 miles ONE WAY about every other weekend...until I was able to get him into an adult family home that was about 7 miles away. Meantime, I and my half-sister, who lives in another state, spent literally countless hours assisting him remotely.

Now I'm helping my mom (my parents were divorced over 50 years ago) who is in a different part of the state, 131 miles one way. I'm going in to the bi-weekly drives again for the weekends. Yet I don't want her living with me and my husband. Not only do I just not see that ever working for personality reasons, but all her doctors and friends are local to her, and my husband and I have a life of our own and jobs here. We don't want to give that up, nor should we have to. We have no kids, so need to focus on saving all the money we can while we still have jobs, so we can support ourselves in our retirement.

Consider yourself EXTREMELY fortunate that you live only 20 miles away from them. You can visit them every weekend, and even maybe a weekend night if you wish...living so close is a blessing compared to what I've had to do.

Get your dad's buy off, then buy and install wi-fi cameras in their house if it would help with assuring yourself everyone is moving about and well. Help them coordinate care and services, but do NOT move in with them. The stress will take a toll on your life, health and marriage, and the time you spend caring for them, means less time caring for your young kids who need you during their formative years.

Best wishes.

Ask your father if he wants your help. He may be managing well on his own for now. Ask him what kinds of help he wants/needs from you and your family. Ask pointedly if your father wants your family to move in with him, mom and your brother.

Talk with your spouse about whether or not he/she is willing to share in caregiving and the needs of your birth family. Talk about the wants/needs your father desires help with. Discuss how your family life will change with the addition of mom, dad, and your brother.

As for your home, you can decide to rent it out for a year. If living with your folks does not work, you can move back into your home.

I always say I would never ever ever recommend having your loved one with dementia move in with your family. It causes resentment in the long run not in the beginning you want to care for them you love them you do everything you can for them, but it will wear you down. Either keep them in their home with a live-in aide or have them in a memory care facility and you can continue being a loving daughter or son. My mom moved in with us two years ago when my dad was diagnosed with heart disease and I knew she couldn’t live on her own long story short my dad in and out of rehab and hospital stays went on hospice care and passed away in 2022 my mom never left our home, it’s exhausting being a caregiver without family member help even though I have paid help coming in for her. On top of it, I recently lost my husband five months ago, so I’m grieving him and taking care of my mom who needs 100% help with absolutely everything. I have family members who have mental health issues so it’s just hitting from all directions if you have young children, you need to focus on them. It will cause stress to have your loved one live with you.

I know you want to help your parents as much as possible, but please do not sell your home. There is nothing like having your own place and as you said, it may not work out. If you are able or your parents are able, hire some extra help. You need to be there for your family ( husband, kids). You can still help your parents but I believe your husband and kids need you first.

Parenthelp513: That would perchance be a huge undertaking.

No better to hire it out. You have no idea how difficult caregiving is and how much of you life it takes up.

"IF" you decide to move, the idea of a separate house on the property makes sense. Having a care company come in and create a CarePlan would be "an outside pair of eyes" detailing the care plan for "each customer." If you know in your heart it is your "calling"....your life's work.... to have an intergenerational household. Follow your heart, and go in with eyes wide open. There are benefits to coordinating from a closer proximity. Yet still have your space. You could spend entire days in your own home but be close enough. Help can be hired and you are close by to monitor. Grandpa and Grandma get precious time with your babies while they are still able to enjoy it. Help Dad find the "right" group home for your brother so that he feels successful and you can support the eventual move.

Everyone in this form can recite what can, and will, most assuredly burn you out. Only you can decide if all the difficulties it could bring.... outweigh the joys of being together. Your kids could also be learning compassion and patience. In closer proximity, you can "orchestrate" but delegate the "day-to-day" care to agency folks. Good luck with whatever plan makes your life journey complete.

I'll echo the other members who've said "NO".

You have two little children. This situation may go on for another 20 years. Do you really want them to have to give up playtime, then some of their homework time, and give up any sports or extra-curricular activities in school, opportunities for jobs and job training, and even dates, in order to be an unpaid nurse's aid for your aging parents? Some people with dementia, especially if it includes uncontrolled blood sugar, can be absolutely NASTY!

Will your husband be content not only being a slave, watching his children be deprived of anything like a normal childhood, but also having a perpetually exhausted wife?

I was a child in such a situation, and it has adversely affected my life - starting with educational opportunities.

I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost… I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault. Because I thought I was super-woman and could fly.
It takes forever to find a way out.

—-
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
Because my husband is an attorney.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.

—-
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there. But I was still curious.
I still fall in. It’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
I was warned about the hole.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

—-
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Then, I walk down a different street.

It sounds like your mom has some serious health issues, and I know diabetics life span is usually shorter. So after your mom you will have your dad. Who's health is good now but you could go on for many years caregiving him, and your brother is going to start having more health issues the older he gets.

I feel like even if you did have a plan B , which you don't, the guilt of moving back out would be hard. And I'm sure the stress will most likely cause tension in your marriage.

Your smart to be considering and weighing all your options, instead of just jumping into this.

If it was me, knowing what I know now, after taking care of my mom for years, but not living with her. I would not do it.

Best of luck to you

I appreciate your love and noble intentions. This will ultimately be a huge mistake. Caregiving will dominate your entire family’s life. Don’t do it.

Unless you are a true angel, I would say the plusses of feeling like the good daughter, having the extra living area, large yard, and pool are just not going to be enough to make this a good idea. I moved in with my mom from a few blocks away. You say you will hate leaving your own home. If you do move, you will most certainly hate that you did. I was in my mid 60's when I did it, with of course grown children. You, raising children as already a huge responsibility, plus the job, and husband, will wear yourself out. Just visit your parents and brother with the kids and let them roam the yard and swim in the pool. They'll have great memories when they are older. After 4 years of living with my mom I went back to my own house and added on more caregivers until she had to go to assisted living. I still had my house. So glad I came back home. You, however, are thinking of not having it to go back to if things don't work out. Be the good daughter who helps to make a plan, visits often, and stays in touch as much as possible, even overnights occasionally, making sure Mom has nice clothes, good haircuts, the girl things that Dad might not completely understand to do. And when you see he can't handle all of it, encourage him to get help or placement in a nice facility for her.

You are one person.

Sometimes, these caregiving plans boil down to the caregiving logistics.

Who is going to sit there and supervise your toddlers every second they are by the pool?

Who will be there for them when you are called away for an incident occurring with your brother or either parent?

Is the pool fenced?

I would not, I have a quadriplegic sister now 50 and my mother is 82 with Parkinson’s still living together

Ive been caretaking since I was 10 years old and just keep adding as my mother was diagnosed Parkinson’s

PBS did a documentary on stress, every year you care for a disabled family member you age 4 years. They included living in a dangerous area, their example was Richmond CA near where we lived also.

I can tell you our family has disintegrated trying to accomplish this even with round the clock full time caregivers at this point.

Folks experience burn out after 2 years, your toddlers need you first.

I had a hard upbringing being a caregiver at 10 and my parents couldn’t parent me bc they too were caregiving.

Oh, work out solutions for these conditions save the souls of these pre baby boomers and boomers. Years ago I visited bed ridden relatives kept at home till death, like they do in long term care facilities and don't care for them except for meals, meds, pull-up & bed Linens change out with those mini horse lift machines and don't pay attention otherwise sit away the shift in the nurses stations. See Kingston Trio MTA, Foundation line "I'll be back." The latest is John Travolta's "Staying Alive." Or response greeting "Upright." By CEO No Joke. Oh I guess we do lately now days but with day care for the kids growing up. Wow. I cornered myself with that one.

I would what's a family for, sounds like a significant homestead. Move to Cincinnati Ohio they just legalized previously illegal ADU's Accessary Dwelling Units with the pitch families to use them for the olde folks to live, I forget the rest of their tripe. Lol couldn't proof read.

My sister and I just placed mom in memory care. We cared for her for years and it only gets worse. It’s so incredibly stressful on the caregivers. I agree with the forum. Keep your family intact by staying in your own home.

I would stay in My House and Visit on weekends or vacations and test the waters . You have 2 toddlers That is exhausting in Itself . Once your Mom declines and believe me It is Like taking care of a Toddler add on a Disabled person who is also Like a child - You have 4 children . Then your Dad May decline . It is very difficult to take care of One sick adult never Mind 2 sick adults . I am Not sure this is fair to your children as you will be exhausted and worn down . A Lot of us on this forum Have experienced Caregivers Burnout , near nervous breakdowns and Illnesses . I would Place being a Mother first because your children Need you .

Your update does put a different spin on things since you know many of the potential pitfalls.
Using this forum as a sounding board to validate what you have in your head is a great way to figure some things from a different angle that you may not have thought of. (and we are less expensive and easier to get to than a therapist!)

Absolutely not. Terrible huge mistake to move your family into parents’ home to become caregivers. You’re going to have to go to psych ward after a short period of time…I hope & pray 🙏🏼 you will get your common sense back . Another plan has to be made: See an elder law attorney, decide whether in home or facility care is better for mom & brother. Maybe brother can learn simple skills for earning money. Your first responsibilities is your husband and children. First try in home care & if it doesn’t work out, start touring memory care facilities . I wish you luck and hugs 🤗

Thank you to everyone who has responded! I had a feeling this would be the response, but was still curious. I definitely have a lot to consider, and we have a lot to discuss in our family for sure.

I did want to clarify a couple of points. No one has asked us to do this, and my parents are willing and able to hire help or do whatever is necessary in the coming years to aid in their care. I know I am absolutely not equipped to deal with advanced dementia, and would not subject my kids to that on a daily basis. I suppose I thought I could provide some logistical help, and basic care for my brother if my parents are away at appointments or my mom recovering from surgery, etc as needed, in this transitional time. Then as needs increase, care arrangements would adjust accordingly.

I also have an aunt with Down Syndrome, another family member is her guardian, and my husband works in an estate planning/trust law practice. I’m definitely familiar with guardianships/groups homes, etc. My aunt lived with my grandparents until they had both passed and then transitioned to a group home. We all agree that was not ideal, and want my brother to be settled before then if at all possible. My aunt is beginning some cognitive decline and other mental health issues in her 50s, and she was much more independent than my brother is able to be. The group home has been good overall, but does not handle any medical care. Her guardian has had to handle everything, which has been very difficult. Steps are already being taken to move forward on another living situation for my brother eventually.

I have known, and my husband understands and supports, that because I don’t have any other siblings, I will shoulder more responsibility as my parents age, and for my brother long term. I do not look forward to being in that position of course, but I know it has to be me in some capacity.

The most important person that you should be asking this questions is Mr. Parenthelp513. (in other words..your husband) His opinion is the one you should take into consideration first and foremost.
Please know that your caregiving duties will not end when your mom dies. They will not end when dad dies...you may have another 20, 30 years ahead of you caring for your brother unless other arrangements are made. And I doubt at this point he would do well in a Group Home.
Is your husband up for that as well?
And another thought...
What are YOU giving up work wise?
What is your husband giving up work wise?
Will you be able to continue to work where you are? Will your husband be able to continue to work where he is? Or will you both be looking for another job? How will this impact you both in 20 or 30 years?
Are you going to get paid for caregiving? YOU SHOULD BE.
At what point are you not going to be able to care for mom, dad, brother? What is the plan then?

You say.....will I be able to live with myself if I am not there to help my family....well your husband and children are also your family. You need to make a decision that is in their best interest.

I lived 3 months with my elderly parents when one had a stroke. They are both in their 90's now. It completely takes over your life. I don't have young kids or a husband to consider but if I did, it would be an even harder, No. I moved out to a place nearby and am using their assets to provide 24 hour care in their home. One is mostly independent, one needs a lot of care. I work full time. I have my own life and family. It is very hard to maintain, dealing with agencies and caregivers and feeling all the things as you watch your previously independent parent, decline. Do not become the live in, handle everything, person. I think it is a great suggestion to engage dad while still in his 70's to make arrangements for the Down's syndrome brother. He should not be your responsibility. Elderly parents needs increase, A lot, as many people have already described. It very possible, you and your family will become trapped in this Or, you will be forced to make even harder decisions as things deteriorate. Engage your Dad now, to help make arrangements. It will give you much peace to know what is the plan. Brother is taken care of. ( we have a family history of autism so I refer to that). If Dad (and/or Mom) can't engage in planning, that gives you a lot of information. It will all fall to you, If you let it. Get ahead of it as much as you can. Get brother sorted to an adult family home or stable situation. Mom and dads beautiful property may become hard to maintain, and hard to get regular services like caregivers, home health care, and hospice, if they are rural. We have dealt with the family farm / ranch that everyone loved... Until it became a big nightmare of trouble and needing other people to manage. Be prepared to hire help to maintain it. Or divest, sell or rent it out. Look for long term caregiving solutions now. It will cost A lot of $$$. Don't give up your life for this. your young children and you and your family deserve to live your lives. Use the parents assets to pay for their care. Managing things is a full time job in, and of, itself. Just managing everything. Not doing the hands on caregiving. Don't let anyone discount that. People will try. If you live there, you will be on duty all the time. All of their problems will be yours. IMO, you will not be happy. Be prepared for a lack of support from family, if you have any. Friends also drift away because you are preoccupied with problem solving, constantly looking for help with your parents issues. Its not fun to be around. Your life disappears in a matter of weeks. Go in Eyes Wide Open. Your parents are only 70's. This can go on for 20+ years. Think ahead. You are fortunate Dad is still a part of the decision making. Engage and support him to make plans. Also engage brother, to his abilities. Otherwise, it will all fall on you. Don't let it. If you go the home care route, Look for caregivers who will stay the course for the long haul if you are committed to keeping them at home as long as possible. Read about the pitfalls of home care and the limitations. Know that it still requires constant oversight and a significant time commitment. Search this forum for information because there is tons of valuable info. Good luck.

Please add to your considerations in this, people with Down syndrome have much higher rates of Alzheimer’s and other dementias than the general population. They also have higher rates of heart and lung disease and life expectancies are shorter as well.

Surely your parents had a plan for when this would happen. Was their plan you?

Did they ever ask you if you would want to do this?

Your Dad with being reasonably healthy should take care of mother.
As for your brother, parents had 38 years to look for alternative arrangements which many do as they know one day they won’t be able to take care of mentally challenged child.
Whose idea was it to move, did Dad ask you?
Because you are female and should help? For 20 years possibly?
What if it does not work, as it usually does not, read endless stories on this forum which often begin with how it was great for a few months, maybe a year and then becomes a nightmare.
What if it does not work and you won’t be able to get into housing market?
Bringing up young children, working and taking care of aging parents with potentially increasing needs does not work.
Parents have enough assets to make alternative arrangements.

I have no idea what you should do. Only you and your husband can answer that. After reading the comments though, I felt I wanted to pipe up re: kids and living with your elderly parents. My mom (79) has dementia and a recent history of cancer, and lives with me, my husband and our 13 year old son. As much as it gets me down sometimes, I remain convinced it was the best option available to me and I have no regrets. More importantly, I do not think it is having a negative impact on my son. Of course Nana makes him a little uncomfortable, but we need to learn to live in this world with all kinds of people, and he is also learning that just because she says things that don’t make sense, it doesn’t make her a scary bad person. We have appropriate respite care so that I can still participate in his life. I have my plans in place for when it becomes too much, but until then, I am not a believer that it is “bad for kids” to witness caregiving or live with an elder in decline.