Mom has vascular dementia and is entering the last stage. She keeps asking me what’s wrong with her, why is she always so scared, why can’t she remember anything and when will she be back to normal. Should I tell her she has memory issues and that’s why we’re always here to remind her of things? I’ve been told not to tell her but she keeps thinking she’s going insane, which increases her anxiety exponentially. Thank you.
Now she states that she is 'just too tired' to do much of anything. She's 92 and while he dr says she's in great shape--she's 92!! and probably in the best shape she can be for that age and with her physical limitations. She plans to live to 100 and I would not be really surprised if she does.
She asks me, every time I visit her, if I can see that she's 'slowing down' or if her mental status seems off. I am honest with her, and say "Mom at 92, no one expects you to do more than you already do. It doesn't help to worry about it".
We don't paint her decline with a rosy view. It is what it is. I do know that if she begins to seem agitated by her mental slide, I will be her first advocate in getting her on meds to keep her calm. She deserves to be tired. Shoot, I am only 66 and I deserve to be tired too! Life wears us out!
She does not remember much of what we tell her. The things about the people she truly cares about are all she's interested in. I'm not one of those people, so I really don't share much of my life with her. I have a new house and she has zero interest in seeing it. And that's fine.
She is able to perform all her ADL's and she seems content enough. Everyday is just like every other day.
And, no, she doesn't really remember a lot of things she's told.
This isn't easy. Do not speak logic. Her brain cannot compute logic. Love her unconditionally through a calm voice, stroking or brushing her hair, giving her a hand massage, singing to her . . . whatever you can do to shift the fear to relaxation or neutralize the fear. Gena.
I would tell your mother, however, don't be abrupt. I believe she is so scared because she doesn't know what is the truth. She suspects that she cannot trust her memory. I believe she remembers, just tidbits, enough to place doubt, but not enough to get the full story, and she has just enough memory left to know that it bothers her.
I would tell her that yes, her memory is failing her. You might even tell her some of the behaviors that that she has done since the dementia that she would have done differently had the dementia not been there. Nothing too awful. Then reassure her that you are there to help her remember or remind her of things and it is okay.
The next time she says she is going insane or is very scared, ask her questions to see if you can find the source of the anxieties. Maybe you can provide something to relieve the anxieties or to keep the memories fresh, like a book of pictures of the family or pictures of places that she has visited.
The one thing I realized as I watched my mother lose more and more of her memory, is that much of how we exist, relies on our memory. We think someone has stolen something if if isn't where we remember it should be. We don't touch a hot stove because we remember or anticipate the unpleasant feeling when we did touch something hot. We don't like to interact with someone if we remember how uncomfortable it was when we did interact with them.
Your Mom is definitely aware that something is wrong. I would tell her and also make sure you reassure her that you are there to help her to remember.
My prayers are with you.
An elderly friend who was well along on the forgetting journey used to say she "had used up her brain." She had been in military intelligence when she was younger, so we applauded her for "using up her brain for a good cause." She was not particularly distressed about her own forgetting although her repetitive questions often drove others batty!
So I say tell her but do it kindly and with hugs!
"Mom your brain is not working the way it should. I know you are scared but we are all here to make sure that you are safe."
If she asks if she is going to get better your response could be
"Right now the doctors do not know how to fix the problem you have."
Telling her or not will not make a difference.
If you tell her once and she gets very upset do not tell her again.
If you tell her and she accepts what you have told her then you can tell her again when she asks. (and she will)
If she gets upset you can come up with other "excuses" that might not upset her as much. The main thing is to make sure that she knows that she is safe.
Why not tell her instead, “Mom, I am here for you, come what may.” Everything will be okay,” and give her a hug.
Isn’t that what you would want if you were in the same position?
This is an add on to my last message.
Keep reminding her of this. I believe it will put her at ease.
We have very little spoken interactions, but sometimes she tries.
I Can read lips enough to see “l love You”, after I say “I love you. Do you love me back?”
Still grateful for that and for the huge blue eyes, clear and perhaps even a bit curious, even after over a year in hospice.
There is no moral failing with brain damage...it's just...brain damage. an injured organ.
Dementia has such a negative connotation to it and ties into going "crazy".
If she wants to understand, try to find ways of explaining. You're right to reassure her that she will always have support and you will make sure that everything is okay, but I wouldn't fob her off if she's actually asking.
You are having some problems with tiny blood vessels in your head. The Doctors are treating it with medication as best they can.
There's no need for mom to be so scared at this point in time. Call her doctor and get the ball rolling for relief for her via Ativan or something similar. That helped my mom a lot in her last 6 months struggling with agitation and Sundowning with advanced dementia.
Good luck to you