Need your help again, friends. If you read my babbling, you now that this year has already been a nightmare for us. Hubby was rushed to the ER on January 4th with what I firmly believe was Coronavirus. He’s been in hospital/rehab since then and will be coming home tomorrow.
I work 5 hours a day, 5 days a week at a small daycare. These ladies have become like family to me. I make next to nothing and until I sit down to figure out our financial in-come and out-go, I’m not even sure how much difference this small paycheck even makes. It’s more of an “escape” for me—a break from caring for my husband.
He wants me to quit my job. I am currently laid off due to the pandemic and the director says she believes daycares will not open up much before mid-summer. So, I’ll be without a paycheck for approximately 4-5 months anyway. Hubby says I’m “too old” (I’m 66) to work any longer. And when I come home exhausted, I know it does impact my caregiving.
However, although he is not super-demanding, he is bedridden and I do everything for him but feed him. He also has me under a microscope. He questions my every move and makes suggestions as to something else I should be doing. He thinks I need to be doing housework from sunup to sundown.
I am completely on the fence. Hubby is still not well and could very well wind up back in a facility. Do I want to give up this job and face being alone for the rest of my life?
For the record, I don’t think you are too old to work. Look at the stats on seniors working. Lots do. My husband’s grandfather was married to a miserable woman.
He felt like being at home with her all day would kill him. He worked until he couldn’t anymore. He didn’t retire until his 80’s.
He would hop onto the streetcar with his newspaper and head downtown to his office.
Also, look at the elders who volunteer in hospitals, museums, etc. Plenty of seniors have part time jobs like you do.
I really do feel like this job is more than a paycheck for you. It is filling a need in your life. It is serving a purpose. You are appreciated and needed. You would be missed if you left.
Plus, it sounds like the teachers at your school have a strong bond that has a ‘family’ atmosphere.
Treasure that sense of community. Don’t throw that away. You are blessed to have that. They are blessed to have you. You are benefiting from each other.
You’re not dead yet! You have plenty of years left. It’s going to take a toll on you if you aren’t working. At the very least, accept a volunteer position.
Was your husband always this controlling? You need to get out from other his prying eyes and his attempts to control your day and your life. If it's only to take a walk or drive, take time for yourself away from your husband. Good luck.
The timing is actually good. Your husband needs a lot of care right now, coming home from rehab, and you are there to help.
When things get back to a new normal, make arrangements for his care during the day and go back to your job.
was your husband a Veteran? Look into Aid & Attendance to help fund home care or even a daycare situation.
1 - Does your hubby need somebody to care for him 24/7? Is his condition such that you can not leave him for extended periods of time? I usually ask myself, can this person get to and from the toilet, feed self, and get out of home if there was a fire?
2 - What do you need to stay healthy: physically, mentally, emotionally, and socially? If your job is not really needed financially, does it provide for your other needs? Are there other means of meeting your needs that allow you to stay home with your husband?
3 - Financially, what does your family need to "make it"? Consider income and usual expenses. Also consider any "gap" payments you will need to make - the amount of financial obligations you need to cover for medications, doctor appointments and hospital stays. Unfortunately, the "gap" usually becomes more as we age.
4 - You also mention not "being alone". During COVID-19 pandemic everybody is experiencing some amount of social isolation. Now is a good time to find new ways to make friends and interact with others online.... and look forward to meeting again in person.
Take care.
DON’T LEAVE YOUR JOB. Again,
DON’T LEAVE YOUR JOB!!!
It’s not about the money.
Do Not Leave Your Job.
Also, should you find that you need another job, you may have a lot of difficulty at 66 finding a new position. The best way to FIND a new job is to already HAVE a job; it means that you are "employable" to potential employer.
Is it possible/would you consider moving into a care community together? Then he would get much-needed help, you'd be near him, you'd be in a community of like-people and you may even be able to still keep your job (or find a similar one after the lockdown ends). I wish you great success in working out a solution and peace in your hearts as you move forward together.
I'm sorry but he doesn't get to devour you with his consequences.
This is many years of him laying there giving you directions and not helping himself. Well, sorry hubby but I matter just as much as you. To much of a good thing is just that too much. Who wants to clean all day in between wiping husbands bum? Not me.
You must qualify for unemployment. All sorts of exceptions during this crazy time.
Im helping grandkids with homework.
etc etc.. You will know what to say at the right time.
Good luck
sorry good hubby,,, I had the water running,,, doing dishes..
Or the washmachine and dryer were on, I didn't hear you..
I am sorry, I was walking the dog...
Your tv was on too loud.. I thought it was just the television noise...
Im sorry I was watching the weather channel on the tv in other room, didn't hear you.
You are currently laid off, get a hobby or a glass of wine... get some space when you need it.. Have you ever done sun up to sun down housework?Seems like his chance to completely control every single move or moment you do. That does not sound like a good situation...
He's coming home tomorrow? Yikes... Do you have a dog? Hope you do, if not, get one... That dog you love really needs walks, a few miles a day...GEt a break.. and if he focuses on something... geez... it will not stop until it's done in my situation... so DO NOT START JUMPING TO EVERY FINGER POINTING SUGGESTIONS OR DEMANDS... It will only get worse.
He's not even asking you to quit your job. He's asking you to give a commitment now to a decision which you can't even make for the next two months or so, because you don't know where things will be or when your job will go "live" again.
So this is not about the practical realities. This is about his wanting acknowledgement from you that he is more important to you than anything else. And so he is, I'm sure; but the *point* is that his being the most important thing to you is not incompatible with your also being a person in your own right, with your own needs and interests and future to consider.
The job is not *more* important than him. But it is still important, and it's yours. You hang on to it. You already make sure he doesn't come to the slightest harm - by the way, don't let that "impact on my caregiving abilities" thought get out of hand; I bet it isn't true - and having that space and that purpose of your own matters. You matter.
Housework,,, really... that is my worst nightmare.. I don't do well in that subject.. when hubbys get sick.. they focus on one thing... Why:::???
I really don't know why, but now I sense what the next thing will be, and try hard to remove that irritant before it gets noticed, or blown out of proportion...
Ask his doctor about palliative care.. or is he on that already? Maybe insurance will cover some healthcare issues for you..? It doesn't hurt to ask for extra help.. Talk to social worker.. they may or may not help..
Sadly, chauvinism wasn’t uncommon among a certain age group. What was that saying? The older people in my family said it. Oh, I remember now. “Home is where you hang your hat.” Of course, it was the man’s hat they were referring to! My grandpa wore stylish hats. Yep, the man had the last word.
The woman was expected to go along with whatever the man decided. Couples were young when they married. Often, children came along soon after marrying.
My grandfather’s brothers were awful. They all ran around on their wives. They were tall, good looking and big flirts!
My grandma told me that all of the wives had to take it because they had no way to support themselves if they left. Sometimes, the good old days weren’t so good. Like you said, they didn’t work or have any independence.
One of my great aunts was independent though. She had inherited a very large home from her parents and she and my great uncle rented out rooms.
I think they were called boarding houses back then. Those houses sell for a fortune now in our city. The architecture during that era is so beautiful. This house is on Esplanade Ave.
Grandpa’s family came to New Orleans from England and my grandma said they were very popular with the ladies. They all loved to dance. In particular, waltzing.
Well, when my great aunt found out that my great uncle had been fooling around on her she packed up my uncle’s belongings in a suitcase and brought it to his mother’s house and told her mother in law that she was done with him and that she could have her son back! I love it! Hahaha
I loved that my grandma shared that story with me. I adored my grandma! She told me all about the ‘roaring twenties’ bobbing hair, shorter hemlines, playing jazz music, women voting, etc.
She was German and told my grandpa that she would not put up with any of the foolishness that the other wives put up with.
Grandpa loved grandma but I think that he was a little afraid of her. Hahaha. She was very sweet but don’t cross her!
I wish all women could have been independent back then like my great aunt. She had enough money from her boarders to support herself. Men would have had a different attitude had their wives had more independence.
Don’t give up your independence if you still want to work. You deserve to have your own interests in life. You’re not selfish. Deep down he must know that. He may not admit it but that is his shortcoming, not yours.
I feel like you have a strong spirit and a kind heart, just like my grandmother did. Don’t ever lose that. I learned so much from my grandma. I hope that I can pass some of her wisdom along. I know that you share your wisdom. Keep paying it forward, Joy. We all appreciate it.