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Need your help again, friends. If you read my babbling, you now that this year has already been a nightmare for us. Hubby was rushed to the ER on January 4th with what I firmly believe was Coronavirus. He’s been in hospital/rehab since then and will be coming home tomorrow.


I work 5 hours a day, 5 days a week at a small daycare. These ladies have become like family to me. I make next to nothing and until I sit down to figure out our financial in-come and out-go, I’m not even sure how much difference this small paycheck even makes. It’s more of an “escape” for me—a break from caring for my husband.


He wants me to quit my job. I am currently laid off due to the pandemic and the director says she believes daycares will not open up much before mid-summer. So, I’ll be without a paycheck for approximately 4-5 months anyway. Hubby says I’m “too old” (I’m 66) to work any longer. And when I come home exhausted, I know it does impact my caregiving.


However, although he is not super-demanding, he is bedridden and I do everything for him but feed him. He also has me under a microscope. He questions my every move and makes suggestions as to something else I should be doing. He thinks I need to be doing housework from sunup to sundown.


I am completely on the fence. Hubby is still not well and could very well wind up back in a facility. Do I want to give up this job and face being alone for the rest of my life?

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What do you want to do? Could you work maybe 4 days a week instead of 5?
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No, don't quit.
If it's a few months away before you can go back, what's the point of quitting?
If you go back and find that it is all too much, then give notice.
But to be under the microscope all day, with no way out, that sounds very scary and isolating. Keep the job, you may get tired, but it sounds to me like the job has meaning in your life, besides just money.

Take good care of yourself, and when your husband starts telling you what to do, address him calmly, say things like;
When ..........happens
I feel ................
I would like ..............
Or I will need to ................
And if that means you need to take yourself away from him, then do it. Don't be bullied by him, do your best to curtail that now, because controlling behaviour is hard enough to deal with, let alone with all the physical tasks you have to do.

Take good care of yourself.
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In the years 2012 to 2013, I got stressed out from caring for my 92-93 year-old mentally ill mother's demands in her failing health. I was forced into breaks by going outside, shopping alone and locking myself into my room for rest, besides looking for a job while unemployed. We could not afford continued caregiver help in our place. After her several falls, she was moved into 2 nursing homes that forced her into Medicaid. Just to save my sanity, since I had to look for new work anyway. Thank goodness I had family to help me. Don't wait for an emergency situation for assistance. My mother was very demanding, fisty and refused available help. I did what I could but had to stop helping Mom and finally turned her over to facilities.
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Ahmijoy,
If the daycare is going to be closed for a few more months, you have time to go over your finances and carefully consider your decision.
Are you able to go for a walk around the block when hubby is stressing you out? Lock yourself in the bathroom with a book for 20 minutes? Lol. Take care of yourself too!
No need to rush into anything permanent just yet.
Hang in there!
God bless!!
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Do not quit your job! It is obviously very important to you. I too am 66 and work part-time. It is not about the money, at least for me. I like being productive, I like the chit-chat, and I like the challenge. Social interaction is important to all of us, but especially for seniors. It sounds like you need this job for all the above reasons, and more. Remind your husband that caretakers often die before their spouse/loved one from the stress and difficulty of the tasks. Ask him what he would do without you if that happened!
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Should you quit your job? No, not if it is essential. My mother worked until age 80 because she was able to and it kept her going.
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Balancing your own needs and that of loved ones is tricky. Your dilemma is just one version of this. I firmly believe you need outside contacts to maintain your sanity as a caregiver but it sounds like your former hours were too much. Could you cut down your hours when they reopen? If not, find someplace to volunteer for 10 hours a week or so. Someplace where you will have a contact with a consistent group of people
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If you're laid off you can get unemployment with extra federal assistance now because of the pandemic. But not if you quit. You can always quit later.
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Why would you even consider going to a daycare after taking care of your Covid-positive husband? NO! Our State has reopened daycares. It would be too soon for you to go back.
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My advice is that if this job provides you with good, happy moments, even if it tires you, and provides some other benefits, please keep it. Be tough - look out for yourself. Also me it very plain to him it is your life and you are doing what you can to keep your sanity and plan to keep doing it. Tell him to buzz off and leave you alone - don't give in to him. If you do, you will be at his beck and call and under his control - do not let him get away with that. Live your life while you still can if it pleases you.
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I am now on furlough status from my warehouse donation sorter job and need to hang on it at only age 64. Unemployment is now my way to get by, and hope employer furlough lasts as long as possible as I need to pay more into Social Security until age 66 and 2 months into November 2021. Think this may happen? It depends on the mercy of COVID19 timing! Not sure how all plans out since CA may extend our shelter in place beyond May 3rd of our 2020. The way I see it, any income just buys me more time until my target of complete pocker cards!
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Ahmijoy, age 66 is still young. How long is your family longevity? Can you afford to stop working? Make your serious decision before quitting, beyond what your Hubby advises. You may need to pay more into Social Security via your employer, even with its little wages. You can maximize at age 70, but this depends on how healthy you are.
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"If you did housework from sunup to sundown," you'd certainly be 120% done in 2 to 3 days. It sounds like your part time job is a little escape for you. But on the other hand, your husband is bedridden. Since this is part time employment, it is a guarantee that you will be back employed once the Novel Coronavirus is done?
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I volunteer two mornings a week. It’s just enough. How about volunteering at that same daycare. You get away from your husband, get your friend time and it’s a nice compromise . Then you have time on your days off to clean without being exhausted and are in a mood to deal with him because you’ve had your break. Just a thought.
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Well, if he is bedridden, someone needs to be with him. If you can afford to hire outside help and you want to continue working - then do it. Once you've been home with him all summer due to the day care closure, it's probably going to be an argument when you try to return. So you need to decide if you want to work outside the home or take care of him and let him know what the plan will be as businesses start to open up again.
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I am 62, and work in a COVID unit at my hospital. It is indeed stressful now, but I have to remember I loved my job before this, and I still love it,, just more stressful now. My hubs agrees that I should not retire now,, I am happier getting out and feeling usefull ( those patients need care too), and my sanity depends on getting away from home once in awhile! He is a smart man,, I am pretty grumpy and testy when I am stuck at home too long.. and he is better at managing mom than I am most days!
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If he "has you under a microscope" I would not give up your job when you can return, since it probably keeps you sane. I'd also tell him that if he thinks there are more unfinished tasks around the house that need attention, it's time he got up and did some of them himself. It's not all on you. That would be my diplomatic reply. My real reply would be less diplomatic.

PS. I worked until I was 69 and then had to help out two sick parents. Just got a call from my former employer, wanted to rehire me as a contractor, again, for the 5th round. Decided that even for $ 100 an hour, I was done with that. I want some retirement years to myself. But for some seniors, outside work is life.
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If the job is for your emotional well being and stability, I would keep it. It sounds like you enjoy your coworkers so why quit? I hope you are staying in contact with your co workers during the pandemic for some needed support. Taking care of yourself and your needs allow you to be a better caregiver.
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You need some kind of relief from caring for your husband 24/7. If you enjoy the job, by all means find a way to continue. Perhaps your husband will discover during this period of quarantine that you get on each other's nerves (like the rest of us). Many couples find retirement a bit challenging until they get some kind of system in place for not suffocating each other. You would not give up your favorite things in retirement, would you? No, you definitely do not want to be alone the rest of your life and it is hard to start from scratch when you have isolated for too long.
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Actually I would not leave your part-time job. You as the caregiver need some space and it seems like you enjoy what you are doing. I would recommend that you
contact your Division for Senior Services in your County and see if there are any free or affordable services your husband maybe entitled to that could help him while you are at work.
Was he a Vet? Try calling the VA to see what they can assist with.
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I'd say in the next 4-5 months you'll be able to make that decision for yourself. You're laid off now, right? And were told it may be 4-5 months? Oh honey, you'll be able to make that decision in that amount of time. I wish you luck. I know what I would do, but I don't have a situation like yours so I can't have any advice to offer.
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Whoa. First of all my gut reaction before I reached the end was to say I wouldn't quit the job necessarily, but I'd really want to quit the marriage! I could not tolerate being married to a demanding and controlling guy like yours. Guessing this has always been the case...So you're his live-in cleaner, chef etc etc.
Yours is still a tough decision to make, especially if you can afford to put the money issues aside. Do you have funds to hire someone to help? Even someone once a week to clean? I'd do what is best for YOU. Money issues aside. Do you want to work even more part-time? Is that workable? Exhaustion shouldn't be in the picture, or you should try for it not to be...either from the job or caregiving. But if you get anything good out of the job, which you elaborated on, I'd keep it. Hubby will need to adjust. These next months will give you time to broach the new plan and to check out some private hire resources if only just for cleaning. And, if you decide to quit, hopefully you have made connections and can keep in touch even now with your coworker friends. Good luck!
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What if you live to 100? From that perspective continuing to work and holding off on Social Security until age 72 could have big long-term financial impact. If your husband's health is poor, there is a strong probability that he will die before you. That also means that your household will lose his income. Worthy of a discussion with a savvy financial planner. Lots of people looking to sell you products, fewer that would work with you on a financial plan. Ask your friends for a personal referral. Last thing you need is a high pressure sales person.
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B
BBS2019 Apr 2020
There is no advantage to waiting to collect Social Security at age 72. Your potential benefits max out at age 70. After that, the benefit does not increase.
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You are temporarily unemployed now. You should see how it goes with hubby home and the corona virus before making that retirement move.

You will need an escape once in a while without getting the third degree on your wearabouts.

That will just add to your stress. No need to put yourself through that

GOD BLESS!
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66 is very young! Do not quit your job. You need to have a life, too.
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Maybe you could lower your hours depending on how demanding his caregiving will be in the summer time, so you are not doing so much work and still have your family outlet. Or you can join a caregiving support group, that would keep you out of the house for about 2 hrs at a time tops.
But I would not let go of your outlet at all, for I have learned through my caregiving classes I have taken that you need that. You need to do whatever it is that makes you happy and gives you some enjoyment, maybe you could do movie nights with the girls there as well. You need to talk with other people other than your husband.
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Well, when I first read your title, I was going to say Yes, quit, to have less of a chance of contracting coronavirus and bringing it home.

I am 66 and quit my job end of December before all of everything today was going on, and wanted to stay home helping my mom (95 y.o.) who lives with me, and now I kind of miss working, BUT with all the COVID going on, I am staying home to prevent mom or me from getting it.

BUT, after reading your letter, I would say NO, do not quit when you have the ability to go back. My mom is very healthy and "young", and needs very little assistance, AND we are finally getting along better!

But for you, your situation is totally different and I agree you need that outlet !!! You must think of yourself and your mental health and happiness. I've often that about all the caregivers out there who do so much more than I am doing and feel very fortunate. If/when my mom would become bed bound, I honestly don't know if I could continue. But with this coronavirus, wow, I just hope the day she needs one is a long time from now.

Good luck to you and stay well and HAPPY, think of yourself!!!
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Hello Ahmijoy. I agree it’s been a nightmare year for my family as well. Praying the latter will be better for us all.

I do not think this job is about the paycheck, it’s about your peace of mind and your break/escape from caring for your husband. He wants you to quit. What do you want? I think only you, your mind, your body, and your goals can determine if you're too old. But come on, 66? I see people way beyond that age bracket with much energy.

What do you mean when you say it impact’s your caregiving? Who says? I tell you as women we can guilt ourselves right into feeling like we're not doing enough. Then we have others telling us we're not doing enough and then we get into agreement.

But honestly, I think you already have your answer when you said, “you don’t want to give up your other family” and most importantly you need that, “break/escape from caring for your husband.”

Finally re-read what you wrote in the brackets. This is a hard life in itself. I know. I have a similar marriage. It only improved some once we separated and almost divorced behind control issues. You and I need that balance and I pray you find it and keep it. Read my post from long ago.

[He also has me under a microscope. He questions my every move and makes suggestions as to something else I should be doing. He thinks I need to be doing housework from sunup to sundown.]

Hugs Ahmijoy.
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Whatever you decide, here is your new mantra whenever he tells you what to do, when to do it, or how to do it:

”I’m not looking for input on that right now, but thank you.”

Rinse and repeat. Rinse and repeat.
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I've read all these replies and my first thought was: You need to be liberated. It's 2020, not 1974. You do NOT have to wait on him hand and foot. He probably figures he supported you all your married life with food, roof, clothes, etc. However, it was all done HIS way. He figures you have to pay him back now by taking care of him.
Do NOT quit your job. You deserve happiness.
Tell him if he doesn't lay off, you will have him in a facility.
Besides, taking care of him with all his physical needs will kill you before it does him.
It sounds like you have bent over backwards to please him.
Please, please take care of yourself and do what pleases you. He will just have to learn to live with it. It's YOUR turn!
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