I also am a single mom of ten year old son, and after these two years, the stress itself has felt like enough to do me in. I need advice. I hate to do that to her, but when is enough ever enough, and will I ever get to enjoy raising my own little boy in peace, and chase some dreams?? Any advice in this agonizing ordeal is so appreciated. I must mention that I have the paperwork to have her addmited to care home. Kellyb
If your Mom is depressed and staying in her room all the time - perhaps the ALF is just what she needs. It will offer her socialization.
We took my Dad to see one - it was beautiful and he was ready to move right in. They talked it up - happy hour! New Pals! Dinner out! Lunch out! Beautiful dining room! Etc.
He has since changed his mind due to $$$$. He has the money but afraid he will have to dig into his savings. Which, he eventually will have to do anyway, if he lives long enough.
I have dropped it for the time being - he's having cataract surgery. But I will revisit it this winter when he is depressed and homebound. I honestly think he would be happy there if he could make the adjustment. Obviously, he could see himself happy there - the two times we visited. I should have just let him sign up right then and there! But he has a history of impulsive buying and I wanted him to have all the pros/cons.
Perhaps just starting mentioning ALF casually - maybe 'drop by' one (that you have checked out beforehand). Some of them are really gorgeous. If I can afford one when I'm in my 80's - that is definitely where I want to go.
IF your mother requires too much care though - ALF will not provide that. There are some assisted living facilities with varying levels of care and 'memory units' for more severe dementia. The more care required - the more it costs.
Is you mother willing to accept life in an ALF? I recently placed my 91 year old mother in one after 10 months of dealing with my father who suffered a stroke and her needs as well. When he passed away, I moved her after she had us running her to the ER for panic attacks every few days. I am satisfied with the ALF, but she fights it tooth and nail, and is extroardinarily liberal in dishing ou guilt for "deseertrting her." I believe the ALF is probably your only choice, just as it was mine, but if possible I would advise trying to ease her into the change in circumstances if possible. If not just steel yourself and stick to your guns. Having even a portion of a life is wonderful after nearly a year of being eternally occupied with my parents needs. I admire you for dealing with such a situation with a young child. I find more and more folks in these situations who are genuine Saints. You definitely fit the category.
she's not adjusting well at all.
Good luck to you both, 10 was my Favorite age with my boys!
Don't beat yourself up over it, just do it, I made the decision within a couple of days, without ever giving it much thought. Please do it for your health and for your little boy. God bless you and your mom.
Sadly, your mom is young for dementia and you could well be looking at another 10/15 years and it will never truly get better and only more demanding in time and energy. It's best to find her a facility that she can be taken care of that knows the long debilitating trajectory of dementia.
We have a 14 yr old and for me, dealing with the "mom's" has been difficult as it is just so much the reverse of dealing with our son. You can see your child, learn and grow and achieve then you have the entire opposite with the mom's.
Good luck.
Ann
It sounds like you have made the decision, and no one can fault you. Personally, I think that the relationship with parents is just as important as the relationship with spouses or children, but with dementia, it simply may not be possible to provide that level of care. Just make sure the AL facility is one you are proud of, and try to soften the blow with your mom.
My son is a little older - 16 - and it is still very hard. This is our first year and yes, it has driven somewhat of a wedge between me and my son. I feel like I'm always defending him to my father and am tired of being in a position where I feel forced to 'choose'.
Things were going well (with a lot of home health care); but my father's health and dementia continue to progress so I'm not sure what our future holds.
I guess as soon as I get my son some independence . . . I'll start over by caring for my father? I feel like I have two children and not just one; and that feeling is starting to scare me more and more. His reasoning ability - seems to be just disappearing minute by minute. He cannot remember what happened 60 seconds ago. We're just taking things day by day now; but I'm exhausted.
I definitely think your child comes first. I could not have cared for my father while my son was 10 years old. Between a job and school; homework; sports activities - you simply cannot do it all. Bravo for having the courage to make tough decisions.
You've given home care a good try. You know what your limits are, and you've reached them. Time to focus on being a mother and a visiting daughter.
How old is your mom and how dependant is she on others? Can she possibly live in an apartment with your help? What is her response or thoughts on going to AL?
What specifically are your stress triggers?