He has lung disease and is on oxygen. The oxygen started about a month ago. His prognosis is unclear but my brother said the diagnosis is Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis + Emphysema. The IPF was diagnosed about 8 years ago but there was no progression until very recently. My mother uses emotional abuse as a tool to try to manipulate me into doing things for her. She has threatened suicide. She lies and says that I went to Florida for the winter even though she asked me to stay because my Father was sick. My Father was fine at the time of my departure and she did not ask me to stay. The stress of her lifelong emotional abuse of me (and my Father's complicit choice to not call her out on it) has resulted in my own health issues. I did leave for Florida for the primary reason of avoiding my parents during the holidays. At this time they both have colds and in a phone conversation today (the first real conversation since October - she wasn't speaking to me) she said they are both "failing" and "don't have much time". When I asked if they wanted me to come back to help them the only response was "that's your choice" (my father parroted that response in the background). When I suggested they hire cleaning help (not a problem financially) she said they didn't want to be there while they are cleaning and they can't leave since they "have nowhere to go" - (unsaid - because I left them alone).
If you would not be willing to clean houses for a living or drive seniors to appointments for an income, you are likely not going to want to do it for your parents, who will make more demands. These two things can easily be hired out. Moving in to do that for them one should have their head examined first, and recall how difficult it may have been to leave the first time after college....
Nobody needs to be manipulated and have to put up with lies. It sounds like a double toxic situation.
Encourage them to hire help, stating that your physical problems have flared up and the doctor says to take it easy.
It makes no sense to do this to yourself.
I also spent the holidays away from my 90 yo narcissistic mother. She quit speaking to me a couple of months before Thanksgiving, which was also her birthday, then called me last of all the family, acting like I would of course show up for it all. I said no thanks and had a good time home alone with my cats and books. I also skipped Christmas because the thought of having to see her and her flying monkeys made me nauseous.
My mother lies to me and about me and has been mean to me all of my life. I was miserable growing up and left the day I finished high school at 17. I stayed gone for 43 years and was totally estranged the last 15 years of that.
I had a change of heart and moved back a year ago but find that she is worse than ever. She's selfish, mean and completely lacking in empathy. She can't understand anything but thinks she's a genius and talks down to me. Her voice and facial expressions look like the Wicked Witch. I now live three miles from her and can't stand seeing her or her handwriting or hearing her voice--it takes me a month to feel better after any contact. I can't talk anything through with her or be honest and straightforward because she becomes furious and retaliatory. She is truly mentally ill and there is no fix.
These people don't change and there is little good in them, unless it's for show. Please don't give up any more of your life, health or happiness to these mean people.
rarely change (trust me you'll know it if and when they do) and will do so only if they
are left alone to figure it out. Since they don't usually get better at being kind and supportive, what they do end up doing is getting better at being abusive, selfish and manipulative. No no no no no, do not go back for a second helping of abuse. Once
is enough.
You want to willingly step back into the role of Cinderella?? I think not.
Mom and Dad's manipulation shine through your post like a beacon. You go back and you'll be in misery again.
I used to try to clean for my mother. Her apt is attached to brother's house. I THOUGHT I was doing a good thing for my mother. She never said much, just not to throw anything away, and other than obvious garbage, I didn't. (In my thinking, a completely dead plant IS garbage....so.....I got kicked in the teeth.) She never said anything, rather let my very hostile brother say it for her. To hear him, you'd think Satan had showed up to work. I threw out a completely dead plant. Horrors!
Do I go back and clean anymore? Not on your life. I won't even put a dish in the sink. Mother is so passive aggressive--and brother is angry at the world. Why go into that environment?
So sad--mom and dad can't go to a movie or the mall for 2 hours? Well, that's on them.
And using that "We're failing" line....honest to goodness, we're on deathbed #30 with mother....why is it people like that live forever, and so miserably??
How you were treated is called ABUSE. Don't walk willingly back into it.
I say this as someone who has semi-trapped herself in a not perfect situation, and realized she may never get herself out of it.
If you don't enter the trap, you don't have to worry about escaping it.
can last for many years, and an abusive elder can destroy their caregiver's lives without
a thought. Deep deep down I do think they're suffering and thus deserve compassion-but from a distance. They're drowning in their self created misery and will do absolutely anything to transfer that hate and misery to you. Once they see you bowed under by their abuse and negativity, instead of feeling compassion, they feel joy. Everything with them is backwards to normal human emotions. Don't get trapped!!!!
This got me to thinking...yes, it's certainly that many times. In my mother's case, she is so controlling now, yet has lost so much control (can hardly walk, doesn't drive, hearing going, etc.). So the next best thing to actually being able to control things is to have a puppet/marionette doing the work for her, so she is still actually controlling every little thing. My mother is always telling me she will make all decisions...I am not allowed to go back to the examining room for her medical visits anymore, and last year was ordered to NOT talk to servicepeople.
While she is not a full-blown narcissist to the level that I read here, there are certainly narcissistic elements to her personality that are being magnified as she ages and loses her faculties and abilities.
Please do some reading about Fear, Obligation and Guilt. (FOG). TELL your patents, "No, I can't possibly do that". They can't be around when someone cleans? " Gee, sorry about that mom. I'm sure you'll figure that out".
Be as neutral as possible on the phone and don't take their bait.
Someone else mentioned Jerry Wise on YouTube--two of his good ones are "Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents" and "Taking Back Your Power--Adult Children of Narcissists."
Scott Bassett on YouTube is a genius at describing narcissism and helping you free yourself from it.
If this is something you are willing to do.......don't wait until something catastrophic happens & you may be "forced" to go on a moments notice. YOU take the control now! Let the agency be the bad guys! It sounds to me like this would give you "peace of mind" despite the mistreatment from them both. After all they are your parents & most probably suffered abuse in their childhood.
And by all means...take or lock up any valuables especially jewelry watches etc heirlooms & anything of sentimental value prior to ANYONE coming into their home. Or @ least take pictures of rooms & inform the agency that you have done so. In fact give them copies! Trust me I know its hard to lock up the whole house.
Do not lock the barn door after the horse is gone! You cannot tempt anyone these days.
Count your blessings that they have the finances to take care of themselves .A lot of ours parents don't have the means which adds yet another dimension of difficulty to our situations. At least your parents did something right!
So don't do this.
Maybe you could hire the ONE person who said "yes" to go take care of them.
Oh, bad Sue, bad. Go to your room. 😒
I watch these good ones over and over in order to brainwash myself in a positive way.