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Holy hannnah! After reading your post I am surprised you even need to ask! I would be doing the happy dance the whole way home! You have paid your dues, she wrote up the bill,, and now she gets the results. I can understand why your brother doesnt want to deal, Go back to your home state, get a new job and get on with your life! Visit when you want,,but build up your own SS and retirement funds. You are 56.. she needs to realize that you are not a "kid" anymore. She has had a slave for 6 years,, no more, enjoy your life while you can!
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No where in your post or profile do you mention that your mom has dementia. How do I know? Because you stated she takes her clothes and stuffs them behind her bed and stacks them in other inappropriate places. This is a dementia behavior. And she follows you around all day -- this is called "shadowing", a dementia behavior. Has she ever been given a cognitive/memory exam by her doctor? I think one of the reasons you're so burned out and depressed is because you keep interacting with her as if she's her prior self. Dementia changes people but they look the same to us. It's really really hard to see them with different eyes. I'm so sorry that the past 6 years have been so brutally hard. Don't feel guilty about transitioning her to a care community. It may actually be good for her overall.

She can't report you for neglect -- there's no basis for this accusation so please ignore it. Moving someone to a facility is the opposite of neglect. She's just desperate and pulling out all the stops. My MIL didn't want to go into a facility but now after a while she's actually doing much better mentally, emotionally and even cognitively. It's rather astonishing. On the last visit she was in bed reading a book. Reading a book was something she *never* did in all the years I knew her. She said she loved the novel and couldn't but it down! She is enjoying the social interaction (mostly with staff) and she'd be getting none of this cloistered in her home with a single caregiver. Please work on not feeling guilting. Think of it more like feeling grief. You've done nothing wrong. You gave her a lot and it has been a totally thankless job. Now do what is good for everyone and move onward and upward with your life. Blessings to you!
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dianelisa Sep 2021
I totally agree with Geaton777 . I suspected early stages of dementia as well from those behaviors- not knowing where to put her clothes, shadowing, canceling appts and not taking meds correctly The past 6 years have hit you hard-you do need time to heal. You mention moving your mother to senior housing-can you be more specific? She really needs to live in an assisted living facility with a memory care section for when she needs it. the ALF will provide help in the areas she needs - they provide meals and housekeeping and laundry and med administration most importantly. They usually have a handful of doctors that come to the building, so breaking appts is not an issue.
Once you have healed a bit you may want to refer to a blog by Bob DeMarco:
https://m.facebook.com/alzheimersreadingroom/
He describes his journey with his mother who had Alzheimer’s disease and he discovered quite a lot and developed methods of working with the disease.
Your mother may still be a narcissist but you can begin to understand and forgive at least some of your mother’s behavior. Be proud of yourself that you made a decision and have spoken up for yourself by making this change. You are not abandoning her-you are letting the professionals take care of her.
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Why would you feel guilty? You’ve put 6 years into this and it hasn’t worked. If your description of her behavior is fair, it’s your mother who should feel guilty. If you want to act this out, imagine yourself picking half a lump of guilt out of your heart, the other half out of your head, putting the whole lump on a stone slab in front of you, and hitting it hard with a mallet. Squash!

I’d also suggest you get out quick before your brother has a chance to change his mind.
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No, you should not feel guilty

Yes, you should send her back
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