Should I be calling the nursing home every day to check up on my dad's status?

"overly hovering"? Yes and turn off the helicopter.

But the OP and family are *visiting* the NH practically every day. Unless there is anything in particular to be said, what is the point of the extra phone call?

I disagree with all of those who say don't call. 

First, her dad is in a facility that is not specialized in memory care and he has Alzheimer's, so he may present the staff with challenges they don't see often. Second, it's the first few days, not after he's been there for weeks or months. 

The medical staff answering phones run the gamut as far as their attitude, in my experience. I'd say 95% are really nice. A big "thanks so much, I know you are busy, but I just want to make sure he's settling in ok" goes a long way, and avoiding any questions about what the staff did or not do. Instead of "did he get his dinner/take his pills/get a shower" ask if he ate well, or did he give you any trouble with taking his pills today? The suggestions other have made about knowing when shift changes are and avoiding those times are good, as are asking for a call back at their convenience. 

After having my dad and uncle in and out of over a dozen facilities, I would most definitely be calling for updates in the first few days. Everyone needs an advocate, but especially those compromised cognitively. I wish facilities had a better way of "on-boarding" new residents and their families.    

Karsten, I hope your dad settles in comfortably. He is the "customer" at the nursing home and you are his voice.  He's a lucky man to have you looking after him.

Karsten - The nursing home my mother was in before she passed away actively encouraged me to call whenever I wanted to - I then worked out the shift change and called before the night staff went home to find out what kind of night she had - The nurses shouldnt sound "a bit annoyed " at all !!! I was always concerned that they were giving her the best care - its natural - wishing you all the best.

Micky

My sister was in a nursing home (memory care unit) 600 miles away from me. I called the nurses station on a regular basis to check on her. The nurses also answered the phones when I was calling to speak with my sister. Not once did any of them sound annoyed by me calling. I don't think you are "overly hovering" you are doing what you should be doing for your own peace of mind. Keep calling!!

Some people think that caregivers, nurses, and doctors don't go to work when they have colds or possible viruses, that's hilarious.
Wear a facemask if you think you might have something that could be spread, but LOVE and attention are more important than nursing care. What do they have to "live for" without it?

To the person who says "if your loved one is cognitively impaired to the point they cannot have a conversation with you on the phone, then they certainly can't appreciate your calls" (paraphrased)
They also cannot verbalize any problems they are experiencing either, nor can they verbalize neglect or abuse!!! If you "Love" someone and you are not just getting them out of the way, you must be vigilant about what is going on with their care. Nursing care is no replacement for the love they need. Healing fails when there is no love.
I know this from first-hand experience!
Though I employed the use of an Ombudsman who took me to several nursing facilities before I decided on one, he also told me that patients who do not have family visiting them on a regular basis are more likely to be the victims of abuse. 
I found my life got to be hectic an I failed to visit him very often.
I feel major regret and cry every single time I think about my own neglect of my father and not knowing what he may have been going through. He died alone in that nursing home and no one there had anything to say.
It has been over 25 years since his death and when I think about it my gut hurts and I cry and tell him how sorry I am for just putting him somewhere and neglecting him, (which I am certain was the major cause of his decline)

The Truth may be uncomfortable for "some" people but my intentions are meant to help people avoid possible loss and regret.  I happen to care about the Aging and NOT just their EMPLOYEES who are PAID caregivers.  Why not watch some undercover camera footage of "caregivers" on Youtube?  How do you know what goes on when you are not there?

I'd like to add a response to Monikalabadi. Calling when someone is in the hospital, especially when they are in the ICU, is different than constant calling when someone is in a long term care facility. I agree with Monikalabadi when someone is in the ICU and the family member can't be there. Calling regularly is okay then.

As nice as the staff at my mom's community is, I would drive them CRAZY if I called every day. That is especially true if you visit daily or almost daily. Call only when there is a specific problem that you need to discuss with them. I agree with OldBob. I would add that you probably need to work on getting your control needs under control, so to speak. I think I recognize this because I struggle with them, too. :) I want everything to be okay, but I can't make everything okay. I think it's also a reflection of our death-denying culture. We have to confront the reality that we are all going to die -- our parents are also going to die. That's okay. We will miss them terribly, but they are going to die. It's not even true, as Ben Franklin (allegedly) said, that the only things that are inevitable are death and taxes. I have a brother who has somehow gotten away without paying taxes! But death is inevitable. A good death is reflected by acceptance, rather than denial. Your constant calls may well be reflective of your fear of his death, rather than acceptance of reality.

You may be able to stop calling  this frequently after you ascertain that he is being taken good care of.

Personally I think you should call as often as you like. If that means every morning do it. You have to do what is best for you and your Dad at this time. You are your fathers advocate. As time goes along, you may not need to call as often but the choice is up to you.

please continue to call. do not worry about the nurses' feelings. I am a nurse ( icu) for 11 years and i never get annoyed when family members called. I love to talk to family and update them with the conditions of their significant others... right now my mom is in the hospital and i called the morning nurse and night nurse. these nurses need to put themselves in other's pp shoes and have some empathy.

What time are you calling? - 30 minutes before & after meals, during meals & when they do the night to bedtime ritual is a bad time as staff are busy doing care - check with them about when is best to make calls - oddly about 2200 [10:00 pm] can be good as things quiten down by then - however it may be time to cut some apron strings because they will call for every issue that you need to know

If you visit regularly then there is no need to call at all unless your LO has been ill or if you have to curtail your visit do to your illness [NEVER VISIT IF THERE IS ANY CHANCE THAT YOU HAVE A VIRUS, COLD ETC. THAT COULD BE SPREAD] - I also call if I'm going to be away for a few days to insure they know where I'll be - I will call today because the denturist who makes house calls will be there at 4:00 & we need her out of bed & awake

A good facility would not care and would welcome your calls. I used to check on my husband everyday plus visit every other day. They called me alot too. He was a handful. They encouraged me and welcomed my involvement. It's their job to do so.

When my Mom went into a dementia facility THEY called me every morning the first couple weeks to let me know how she was doing. You don’t need to apologize to anyone for being caring and concerned, especially since this is such a recent transition.

Karsten, we are dealing with this scenario as I type. We placed both of our parents with Alzheimer’s in memory care last weekend. We were asked to not visit for a week to allow the folks to acclimate. Being the concerned daughter and their former 24/7 caregiver, I wanted reassurance that the folks were ok. My parents can’t use a phone on their own nor do much of anything else on their own including self care. Obviously I didn’t want to tick off the CNA’s but wanted to know how the folks were doing. Anyway, after I made the first call, I realized I’d made a mistake. It was like sending your kid off to preschool and coming back for one more goodbye. It just upset all parties involved. Since the folks have no short term memory and get confused easily, I decided I’d call the staff every few days instead to see how things are going and just ask to speak with either parent directly to allows the staff member to do his her duties. So far it’s worked out where the staff knows we are an involved family and they are more then happy to pass the phone call on to one of the parents. As for being able to visit in person, if able to do so, I’d recommend that. It gives staff a break from at least one patient and it brightens the secluded life of your loved one. My dad has a combo of dementias and can get violent when agitated so for my family you never know what emotion a visit or an in person encounter will bring. However the times when the folks are able to connect make it worth the visits to see their joy. Same thing happens with phone calls. You hear it in their voice from beginning of call until the end. All this being said, if your dad can still understand you and or communicate, I say yes to daily phone calls

Karsten, your last message shows a very obvious tone difference from first message. I felt a panic in first message. Now you are settling in. I remember that same panic. I go see my mom every day. I try to go at same time as routine seems to help her. Since you are going often, you will find that you develop a relationship with certain nurses more than others. That’s just human nature. I suggest you ask that “one” anything like: Am I calling too much? What’s the best time for you for me to call? Is there anything else I can be doing to make things better? The nurses should never make you feel like you are an annoyance. They should guide you on this new journey. You will become partners with them.

Thank you very much for all the great answers - answers even of diverging opinions. Very helpful. I am beginning to taper my daily visits to every other day, and getting to know the staff there on visits to communicate my concerns. I may check in on an a no visit day on phone, but we will see. I agree it is both somewhat of a burden to me, and most of all a burden to the staff who have many patients (i.e. other peoples parents) to care about. (I am kind of amazed how during my visits, that I see very few visitors to the other patients, maybe they are long tie patients and their LOs know the drill). I also have established a pretty good email hotline with the Social Worker whos is not always the person directly in charge of my concerns, but she get pass them on to the right person ,and can read and act on the email at her convenience. Thanks again all.

We have a direct line of communication with the Director of nursing at my Mother in Laws nursing/assisted living home. She updates us once a week via an email and calls us immediately if anything out of the ordinary happens. My husband and I try to pop in once a week individually at different times during the day (unannounced) so that we also can get a true picture of what is happening. You will become more comfortable with time so don't beat yourself up for checking in daily right now. You are a great daughter for doing so.

Karsten, first off don't ever apologize for using this forum or feel like you can overuse it, we all have more needs at certain times and helping others is so often a big part of helping ourselves so there will be times you are asking more than answering and others that you are answering more than asking, both are helpful to people other than you as well.

Now my 2 cents on your question, I haven't read through all the responses here the way I usually do but it didn't take long to see some varied opinions. We are all at different stages and on different journeys with our LO's and even though many things look similar no 2 stories are identical and of course where we are in the journey, our relationship with our LO, our experiences and our lives, personality, who we are all shape our answers to these questions. With that said IMHO you should not feel badly calling to check on your dad and if the staff is making you feel uncomfortable about it there is a problem with the staff or the places policy and you should talk to someone in charge about it, the person who showed you around, sold the place to you. Yes your dad is the patient but a caring family is an extension of that patient and as important to his care and health as anything else. This is a brand new transition for everyone and my guess is you have been doing a lot or all of the care and worry for your dad, it's perfectly natural that you would want, need to check in daily maybe a couple times a day for a while as you both settle in and it could very well come in handy for the staff as they get to know him as well if they care about making him as comfortable and at home as they possibly can. Afterall you know far more about him and the things that do or don't work for him and knowing you are anxious to share and be involved (which they do based on your morning calls) clears the way for them to ask about little things whenever they want, not all patients have families that want to get questions about what makes dad happiest they are more interested in simply knowing his basic needs are met and safety is secured and as long as he isn't being abused don't really care how that's accomplished. That sounds more harsh than I mean it too, I learned years ago that families and the way they handle these medical and caring for parents things differ. My family bands together and rushes to the bedside to care for the sick or injured person, that's the way we were trained. My husbands family goes about their lives and one person keeps tabs on how the patient is doing and then passes it on to the rest. They visit when they can and the one person is in more direct contact but the patient is left alone with hospital staff, after all there are tons of people around, for the majority of the time/day, even in the ED in the case of my FIL! It was bizarre to me at first but I came to realize it's all about training, what we saw growing up when family members got sick, it's not that they care any more or less it's just what they know and therefore expect.

My guess is you will feel less need to call each morning as he settles in, as you both settle in but you should do that at your own pace. It will happen naturally as you feel secure and he feels more comfortable and it wont feel like you aren't ready or worse like you are abandoning him to some degree. Yes we all know you aren't abandoning him and everyone is absolutley right this move gives you more time for yourself and freedom, it takes the physical need for keeping in touch away but that doesn't mean your emotional need isn't still there and very real. Just because you don't have to doesn't mean you, don't need to and you should do whatever it is that you need to for yourself and for him. They (the facility) are well paid to take care of your father and by extension that means informing you as much as you need (within reason but you are a long way from exceeding that), the very fact that you are questioning if your a nusence says to me that you wont cross that line so let yourself off the hook and go with your gut.

At present my hubby is in rehab at a very poor quality rehab. I try and go in every day and of course he is competent to use his phone
Any questions or requests I make are met with a brief "we"ll look into that or I"ll tell the girls to do that" Well guess what nothing happens.
In the process of getting him transferred to a proper rehab facility further away but they are dragging their feet. Dr only showed up yesterday and has to send recommendation but he only dictates his notes so wait for transcription. Send to new facility, they request approval from Ins co. The new facility was ready to take him five days ago!!!!!!!!!!
As far as calling every day unless your loved one is seriously ill I would not do it. All facilities are seriously understaffed these days and many are so dispirited they call in as often as possible, so every call takes away from patient care especially at week ends. Find out what time the shifts change and call a couple of hours after that if you need to.
When you visit make sure your loved one is being properly cared for and then find the RN and address any issues.
Try and deal with any issues you find yourself. For example I have clean my husband up a couple of times and when his water jug was empty went to get it refilled myself rather than wait the 1/2 hour it takes to get a bell answered. be as helpful as you can to the staff and they will be appreciative and more responsive. I don't suggest you have to change dirty diapers but as a retired RN it was no big deal for me and I had the satisfaction of knowing the job was properly done. As most of you know it is a minefield out there.
DD just called and she is lighting fires at both ends to try and hurry the move. She does not take no for an answer. She employs 40 people and if someone steps out of line they are out the door especially with patient care even if the the patients are all of the cuddly furry kind!

Your dad has only been in the facility for a few days, so of course you are concerned and attentive. Good for you! It sounds from other comments like you are in a position to visit your dad regularly. If that is the case, I don't see a need for the morning call - at least not daily, especially if you will be visiting that day. If not, I don't have a problem with calling but maybe would not do it first thing in the morning when staff are trying to get residents up, to breakfast, etc. How about around 11 or after lunch? Remember that you are your dad's advocate and paying the nursing home bills, one way or the other. You have every right to be involved to whatever extent you want. Do not ever apologize for caring. As far the advice to step back and let the nursing home do its job, that is fine if you're not particularly concerned about your loved one's care. Sorry, but the squeaky wheel does get the grease, and to believe otherwise is, IMHO, a very naive view of nursing home care. So yes, stay involved. Your dad is lucky to have you.

I am a nurse and have worked in the facilities before and we have always called a family member if there was a change in the patient's health. Once a week, as a concerned child should be enough because I am sure the report you are getting daily from the staff is that he is fine. Nurses work very hard and they want to give the best care that they can for the patient and by interrupting them daily cuts down on the time that they have to do their work for them.

I've been the nurse on these units for many years and I can tell you that every time one of us, be it a nurse, an aide, a social worker is called to the phone, it is also calling us away from our residents. We have no spare moments in these facilities, so it literally removes us from caring for people to be on the phone instead. Please be sure your calls are necessary, not for our convenience, but for your own loved one's sake. I always appreciate family members, believe me, there are plenty of people with no families or families that just don't stick around, but calling the unit is a poor use of resources and we must use our resources very wisely. What I would do if I were in your position is come in every day for the first few days, staying a little less time each visit, and getting to know the nurses, aides, social worker, and activities director. These are the folks your loved one will be closest to and they should be able to put your mind at ease. Hopefully, you can use your time there to ask any questions and avoid phone calls altogether. For an out of town family, I would suggest maybe a bi-weekly/monthly check in with the social worker and know they will call you if needed. The best times to call a unit like this in a non-urgent matter, in my opinion, is in the evening when the day has settled down and the call is less likely to interrupt something more important. Hope that helps.

Having worked all three shifts in an Intensive Care Unit as an RN, the very best time to call is 0300, and ask to speak to your loved one's nurse. If the nurse is too busy to talk, hang up.

I think you should call if you feel the need, especially if you are not able to go visit. If you are visiting daily and talking to staff while there then you really don’t need to call unless there is a problem.
When they facility knows you are there all the time and are calling they are going to watch out for your loved one more. My Dad has been in a Memory Care Facility for over 3 years and I have noticed the residents whose family is there really get taken care of not to say if you Rent there they don’t but I see what’s going on for example. Doors get left open and things are removed by other residents. My Dad’s door remains shut because they know I am there all the time. I see things that others don’t because they are not there and when I a, there I do speak to the nurses, his caregivers and the director and i find out things I would not have.
Good luck and keep on top of it and don’t let anyone intimidate you into not calling or visiting.
Sue G

Karsten, Since you are visiting daily, unless your dad is in some kind of emergent crisis, you probably should skip the daily calls. During your visit, you will see how he is doing and you can ask questions that are applicable to his condition.
The responses on here that say you can call as much as you want are not wrong, but Old Bob and rocketjcat have given the best advice.
Consider that if the person you are calling has only 25 minutes a day to devote to each patient, do you want to take up some of your dad's personal attention time to reassure you that all is OK?
Because you are there, you will soon know if the care he is receiving is good; and, if it's not, your calling every day is probably not going to make it improve.

We are learning to let go of our loved ones, it is so hard! It reminds of my kids first day at school. I cried after they got on the bus worried about them all day this soon ended. I actually liked "my time" We can visit our parents whenever we want, we can build a relationship with the staff, you can let go a bit. I think it's God's way of helping us through the seperation we will have one day permanently. I have learned to back off when keeping in touch with my parents care in the NH. It is hard there are issues but in the long term there is no way I could take over the level of care I was doing nor do I want to. I love them so much but I need my life back! Thank God for caregivers. If you stay pro active spend time help out when you can be kind to staff you will soon relax and not feel so guilty or worried. There WILL be times you need to speak up for some reason but having that conversation is usually enough to get back on track. I am a newbee to my parents being in full time NH care. we are all learning this together, this site is so helpful. I was their fulltime caregiver for over 8 years I am feeling the burden lift my husband and I are actually planning datenights and a vacation once everything is finalized with their care, medicaid is no fun to deal with but I am thankful. God Bless all on here, prayers work wonders! Go to the Lord before you call too much :)

I would actually pop in unexpectedly if you are able. Keep them on their toes and let them know you are involved and will be checking up - Annoyed? Well, they work for you- Follow your gut instinct.

Karsten, call me an old cynic if you like but as I see it the problem is not so much wasting the staff's time (though ringing phones are inherently irritating, that's why they sound testy) as that...

You: Hi, just checking in on Mr Bloggs, how is he this morning?

Nurse: Oh yes he's doing great/he's fine/he's just finishing his breakfast/he had a good night/we're keeping an eye on him... [select at random]

... you are wasting *your* time.

The nurse, that is, will not have a clue which patient you are talking about. And unless it becomes necessary to continuing the conversation, trust me, she is not going to bother figuring it out, either - she will just use whatever neutral to positive formula gets rid of you quickest.

If there is anything important to report, they will call you. Call them only if there is something they need to know, or something specific you need to ask.