My two sisters are financially miles apart: one can afford things and the other can't. One filed for bankruptcy a few years ago that greatly affected the other sister. Our dad passed away a few months ago without any assets to pay for the funeral which has been left to us kids to pay for. My older sister, who can pay, and I have so far been paying for it. There are a few thousand dollars remaining to pay. My older sister is legally obligated to the funeral home and will end up paying the balance while my younger sister will have paid nothing. My younger sister and her husband both have jobs and have not made any effort to pay anything toward the bill. She is defensive about messages concerning starting some kind of payment plan to the funeral home. Since she knows she doesn't have to pay anything, she isn't. I sent a message to my two sisters about her starting to pay the funeral home and got no response from her but did get a response from one of her daughters, who wasn't part of the message. I told the daughter that this is between my sisters and I.
Our mom doesn't have any assets either so it will likely be up to my older sister and I to pay for any and all funeral arrangements when she passes.
Check with your local Funeral director and see if there are any policies out there you can set up for Mom. Maybe a trust where you can start putting money away.
You are not going to get anything out of younger sister. You can have two jobs but doesn't mean they are not living from pay to pay.
During this pandemic and the alterations to the 'norm' we have had 7 friends and/or relatives pass. No funerals, no viewings, just a small graveside service and a plan to possibly get together later to have a reminiscence. A few of the people had opted for cremation, and the widows both opted to wait until the world stops freaking out and then they will have a service. One is actually going to be remarried by the time they have her deceased husband's service!
I'm not cheap, but the thought of spending $20K on a funeral just grinds my gears. My FIL's funeral was the result of 3 guilty kids feeling like they'd not done a very good job being kids--and went with the most expensive coffin, headstone and flowers. Dad was buried in the most expensive piece of furniture he ever owned. I bit my tongue and never said anything.
Tomorrow, my BF from high school is bringing my DH and me our 'colombariums'--the 'urns' our ashes will reside in. He is a master woodworker and is only charging me $200 for the set. I don't know if I will opt to put them in a niche in our cemetery or make them 'traveling trophies'. Each kid can 'host us' for 2 months a year.
I feel for you--don't make a huge deal out of this. Families will completely fracture over things like this and you have to ask yourself if is was worth it.
I'm sorry for your loss--don't lose a sister over this too.
Unless, I wanted to pursue someone for breach of contract for not paying on the past funeral, after they said they would, I'd let it go. Life is too short to dwell on money issues. When you sign to be responsible, you know it's your debt and may not get reimbursed from siblings, though, she might seek reimbursement from the estate, if it's available. It's a sad situation. I'd likely let whoever wants to make the decision, pay the bill and see who wants to step up for it.
Is there a reason why you and one sister think a funeral is worth going in to debt over? And when your fathers arrangements were made, did all of you agree to split the cost and then one sister never paid her share? Or did one of you go to the funeral home & take on a debt expecting that everyone would chip in?
If you’ve learned anything from your fathers final arrangement, it should be that funerals are racket & you shouldn’t plan something that the deceased cannot afford to pay for! Cremation is inexpensive & remains can be scattered or kept in urn in someone’s home. Instead of trying to seek revenge on the sister who didn’t help pay for your fathers funeral, you should be focusing on how to give your mom a proper send off that doesn’t require anyone to take on debt, or sibling to have to pay $10k for the funeral. Start planning ahead. You can cut costs by planning ahead & finding an urn, casket, headstone, etc online instead of buying them from the funeral home at a big mark up. See if mom can afford to start setting aside money each month to pay for a burial trust or cremation.
My original question asks if my younger sister should have a say in any of mom's funeral arrangements since she hasn't paid anything for my dad's funeral, obligation or not.
Any funds for my mom's funeral will come from, more than likely, my older sister and I. That's why I asked the question, should my younger sister have a say in mom's funeral arrangement planning since she hasn't paid anything?
The people who should be involved in the planning are the ones who are paying for the funeral. If you and your sister will be paying for your moms services, then the two of you get to call the shots. What you say goes. It’s your money. If your other sister isn’t going to help pay, then don’t include her in the planning. If she wants to volunteer her time to help set up or prepare a slide show, please allow her to do that. But decision making? Expenses? No you don't have to allow her to have a say in any of that.
Just my 2 cents. If your financially unstable sister is making reasonable suggestions then maybe carefully consider them.
Not really sure what the status of your relationship was before Dad's passing, but you still have to live your life after the funeral is over.
I guess what I'm trying to say is don't let money be a wedge to drive you and your sister apart.
You have to look at yourself in the mirror every day. Only you know what you can live with.
Sometimes doing the right thing is often the hardest thing!
Good luck and God bless!
I think it is very sad to use money as a power-play and to make someone feel like they are not part of the family because they don't have the money...so what...she doesn't get a say in ANYTHING!!! Money is a sad reason to break up a family over.
However, if your YS agreed to help pay for dad's funeral and won't pay then no she should have no say in planning mom's funeral.
Can she help in small ways that have nothing to do with money?
Just remember how you 3 sisters handle dad and mom's funeral will be the stepping stone for your relationships for the rest of your 3 lives! Be caution how you handle all of this....I speak from experience!
I think this is more about the past than the future. It was understood that sister 3 couldn't pay at the time - the anger seems to be over her lack of intention to remedy that now. Is that right?
I get that. Is it about the actual money - or that she hasn't taken on any responsibility towards this? Some people are just clueless.
I always arranged & paid for the meal when my youngest sister came to our place. When we went to stay with them, we brought extra groceries (milk TP coffee) & my DH collected & paid for take away. Since the arrival of kids this started adding up. They were clueless - it hadn't even crossed their minds to pay any. When I brought the subject up, she said I thought you wanted to pay? Wow. She somehow seemed to think she got a free ride... I said half would be fairer.
I don't think in honesty your sis will want to pay up but have a chat. If she is willing to contribute (half if she can) to settle that old account - take it. She'll be paying more than she thinks she should - you'll be getting less but it's a compromise! And hopefully then you can move forward & let it go. Good luck.
If you and older sister are independently wealthy, or have tons of savings, definitely pay for expensive funerals. It's certainly not right that your younger sister misled you both about her intentions if that was the case. But many people have lost their jobs, more people are being laid off all over the place right now, budgets and public employees' salaries are being cut and there may be a second wave of the virus (which we hope is not even worse, the way the Spanish Flu's was) in the fall and to be blunt, now is not the time to spending money on the dead that the living need right now. People like your sister (a past bankruptcy, right?) need to save all the money they can to survive this crisis the best they can. The next few years are going to be scary for the non-rich.
This is not the time to rehash bad feelings. You all can make a silent pact and get through the funeral. If she can’t pay and her suggestions would cost extra $ then her ideas are vetoed.
Life is too short. I say all of you join together to have your mom memorized properly and with love.
After this funeral is behind you - at least a year - talk with you mom about setting up her own "funeral arrangements." The only people who care about casket, viewings, etc. are the ones who are alive, not those who have passed on. You can discuss with your siblings how much each is willing and able to pay. Some places have plans so you can pay in advance.
And about hosting ashes, mid hopefully you were kidding. MIL lost FIL's ashes for a time. Just stick me in a paper bag and scatter wherever.
Find that budget and stick with it. Do not buy more than mom can afford.
Often if you are not moving the body from one state to another you can elect not to embalm. But you can not have an open casket. That is a savings there.
1 Day wake and funeral is another savings. The more days the wake is the more the cost.
Once the funeral is planned if your sister would like to make changes she can pay for changes and she needs to pay for the changes at that time. (She wants an open casket..she pays for embalming, she wants 2 day wake..she pays for the extra time. She wants a church mass..she pays for that.....)
As far as chipping in to pay for dad's funeral...let it go. Most likely you have figured out that she will not pay for a part of it so why stress yourself any further?
As far as how to pay for mom's start now and take a bit of her income and pay it just like any other bill to whatever funeral home will give you the best price on a basic funeral. Just like a house, a car, a pair of shoes..Don't buy more than you can afford.
Lessons Learned.
Your younger sister's lack of effort to pay anything is a symptom of her 'denial;" she just does not want to talk about or acknowledge the mortality of her own mother.
As others have said, "let it go." Younger sister is not going to help.