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ohdear, I don't mean to suggest that she's at all at fault or should share any burden of this, necessarily. However, when you have a significant other who is a caregiver, that is going to affect your life, too, and she does sound like she's a little close to the mother or I wouldn't have suggested any of it.
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Thanks for understanding Geo........yes, I am very close to his mother and we go on trips together, go see plays, go to dinner, etc. I think you were spot on about elderly people being lonely. But she shared her life with someone for a very long time. I would think she would want her son to be able to share some time alone with his girlfriend. My bf did move out of state when he was 18 yrs old (after high school) and his career kept him away for 25 yrs - just recently (5 yrs ago) moved back home to take care of his mom. Yes, I am the one with the problem - he's just trying to please his mother and his girlfriend and trying to make them both happy.
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Kandy1234, you know you can't make anyone else happy. And, seriously, I didn't want to make you feel like some kind of outsider in this where it's your problem, not theirs.

Let me put it, this way, and I hope this will make what I'm trying to get at, clearer:
We have a variety of people in our lives. It's not easy to balance them and we do sometimes give short shrift to people who truly are important. If he and she aren't creating a balance, that doesn't make it your fault. Unfortunately, it doesn't make it hurt any less, either.

Anyway, I guess I'll stop before I dig my hole deeper, here, but I'm really trying to be supportive and understanding to you in my own clumsy way.
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Eve - your words are encouraging......I know he's stretched at both ends and he gets overwhelmed in balancing both. But I deserve to be his priority every once and a while. I try in a nice way to inform him of that. I wish I could say something to the mom.....but don't want to hurt her feelings.
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Sorry, I meant Geo AND Eve........
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I met a man about a year ago. He had been living in NY for many years but was coming back to England to support his elderly, supposedly confused Mother. He said when he came back he wanted to get to know me, to go on dates, and that he thought I might be the perfect woman for him. Since then he has been here in the UK twice now for very extended periods but quite frankly all the plans we had, all the promises of our getting to know each other have been for nothing. His Mother has taken over his life, totally and utterly. We are going backwards not forwards in our relationship and I am so disappointed I cannot tell you. She expects him to be there constantly and if he wants to take me out for a drink she either sulks until he brings her along or he cancels on me and stays home. We can never plan any outings or dates, all we can ever do is go for a quick drink in the local pub. I try to be gracious when she comes out with him but even if he brings her along its never enough, she wants to go somewhere else the next day ... there's no concession on her part. I am finding myself getting angry with him and all that does is make him feel worse (and I don't feel good about it either) I think we are doomed and its so so sad. We are great together but we never have any peace. I really question if she is being selfish because she is a bit confused or if she is just manipulating the situation -she doesn't seem very confused to me -just a bit forgetful
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Hm. Indespair (and I'm sorry if that's how you feel, by the way - don't!), does it occur to you that if Mr NY was that bowled over by you he'd have handled things a bit differently?

Is this man English or American? English ones are incredibly bad - monumentally, criminally bad - at telling the truth if they think it might be rude. As in, for example, telling the girl that you thought might be the perfect woman that, actually, on closer inspection, no she's not.

I think you should probably take a nice new friendship from this, continue to go to the pub with him, be pleasant to his mother if you see her, and enjoy what time together is convenient to all concerned. Forget the romantic angle with him and find someone who needs more urgently to spend his life with you.

And for goodness' sake don't blame his mother. No man in this country is obliged to spend more time with his mother than he wants to - you can't stir a step without seeing conveniently placed care homes round every corner, Social Services will send a carer to his home if he wants to go out of an evening, the possibilities are endless. If he's not making space for you, then I'm afraid it's because he doesn't want to and he doesn't know how to tell you.

Or that's what it looks like from that angle. I'm sorry, but to look on the bright side there's no shortage of lonely people round here, is there? Write it off with no hard feelings and you'll be fine.
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Kandy this is between your BF and his mother. It is up to him to talk to her about the situation, it is up to him to decide which of you to put first in this relationship. If you were married, would anything be different? Or would you still be in the backseat so to speak. What you have is a man and a mother without boundaries. Mom wants for whatever reason to dominate his life and he is letting her. It is one thing to have to take the backseat to an ill parent for a while but something entirely different to be pushed to the backseat.

Don't talk to mom, talk to him. And you have to ask yourself what is going to be left once she passes. Can you go back to being they way you we
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Sorry, I hit the wrong button there. Anyway, will all of this leave scars on your relationship?

If this is something he feels he has to do and you just have to understand, then maybe it is not working for you any longer. I do agree with a lot of people here that long term relationships without commitment are just stalling mechanisms. He is comfortable. I have seen it over and over.
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You may be right about how he now feels about me but he previously said he would move heaven and earth to be with me but now he is stuck with his Mother he just seems really depressed and miserable. He cant seem to cope with his Mother and neither can I. And its all very well being friends but sometimes you can be used and taken advantage of when men play the "friend" card. Been there done it and got the t-shirt. I am very wary of that. I have said to him that he doesn't seem all that bothered about me any more and yes -I have said to him that I think if he was bothered he would find a way but he just keeps saying he hasn't got the emotional energy to do any more than he is doing at the moment. Stalemate ! And yes I am in despair and very disappointed. But trying to be reasonable and as understanding as I can be..
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Indespair - so where are you, and where is he? And where is Mother?

You're being a good friend to this man, and that is good karma for you; I'm sorry if it isn't going to turn out how you would like. But I am glad that you're alert to the possibility of being used - in your place I would be on my guard there, certainly.

Could you say a little more about what his set-up is? It could be that he does need help getting his mother's care sorted out and doesn't know where to start. I'm still sceptical, but then again - even leaving the relationship to one side - helping is what friends are for, isn't it.
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My grandmother had exactly this senerio with her long time BF who refused to get married until his mother passed away. They were boyfriend/girlfriend for 9 years when her BF died of a heart attack at age 61. 85 year old mother lived on...

Broke my grandmother's heart. I don't think she was ever the same again.

The original poster may be a troll, but the example she gives happens. If anyone i reading this, don't be my Grandmother. Get out of the relationship and go find someone else if he won't "marry" you because of Dear Old Mom. Life is too short!
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He is living with his Mother and I live a short distance away. He seems to be going crazy living with her and I have suggested to him that he should not be living under the same roof but rather be more of her carer, even if it means going to visit her endless times per day. Its making him so miserable. Its as though his life has been placed on hold and in turn so has mine. He is trying to sort out carers money etc but because he has not lived here long enough he is not yet eligible. He is adamant that she would hate "strangers" going into the house and so won't consider outside carers. He has a brother and a sister living in the area but they have just left him to get on with it while they selfishly get on with their own lives and never visit, never offer any respite etc. I might well be a good friend but I really think I deserve a bit more in regard to my own happiness, I have had more than my share of things to deal with and that's why I am so bitterly disappointed. But its really getting to me ...I keep getting upset about it all and that's going to be the kiss of death for any relationship. Its as though any chance we have of even trying to see if we are suited is being thwarted, its over before it even began etc. I don't think we stand a chance.
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Well Indespair, he's laid it out for you. His mom won't consider outsiders and I guess he won't either. So he's stuck. Now you have to decide what you're willing to put up with, because he's not going to change. And if he was "willing to move heaven and earth" to be with you, believe you me, he'd find a way. It's easier to keep things the way they are. He'd rather face your wrath than the wrath of his mother. So the question is, can you live with that scenario?
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So are you in England? - I was a bit confused by the timings of your post.

How long since he moved back into her house? (I assume it's her house?)

Is he working?
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Kandy1234, what would you do if boyfriend's mother, all of a sudden, needed genuine 24/7 care? The mother is 87 years old and is afraid of being alone and maybe not for selfish reasons, but because if something happens to her how would she contact her son. My mother was living independently when she died at 82 of complications from surgery to fix a hip fracture from a fall. Thank god she had a medical alert bracelet, but if not, how long would she has suffered on the floor before help arrived. My point is, it is fear and not selfishness that makes her act that way. You say you can't deal with the situation now! Well, it is only going to get worse as she gets older. Your boyfriend is devoted to caring for his mother. Should she agree to go in a nursing home voluntarily, so that her son can have a life for himself? I doubt your boyfriend would even agree to such an unselfish act, considering how much he loves his mother. You have to accept what is and take it or leave it.
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I don't understand. If you had a child, you would hire a babysitter. Why not for mom? Just don't call it that to her. There are a ton of them out there for $10 an hour. She needs some one so get her someone.
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