Yesterday afternoon, with her son and best friend at her side, my mum took her last breath. It was peaceful and she was surrounded by love.
I had stayed with her from Thursday afternoon until that Friday morning. Then, I felt I needed to go home and rest, but I stayed away too long.
I said to myself that Mum was waiting for her son to be with her, but I know that's just one of the many lies we tell ourselves to feel better.
I am talking myself round to stop feeling bad about little things like that, and I know it will get easier with time. What I can't quite understand is why I feel a little numb.
I sobbed when I went into the bedroom and saw that Mum was gone, and I have cried a few short times since, so it's not that I feel nothing. What I can't reconcile is that everything just feels normal. There's no difference between the world without Mum in it from how it was with Mum in it.
I can't see the ripples where she slipped beneath the surface. It's too smooth, too quickly.
I don't want Mum's passing to be dismissed, as if she had never been and never made a mark on this world (my world). Is this a usual reaction? Will I ever feel this important moment more fully?
You must have seen a lot in your job.
'Try" to stay present. This will help with your grieving.
Feeling numb is very natural feelings when an emotional event to this magnitude happens; it is a way for your psyche to protect itself and take care of you - and all that you are going through. Be present. Return to presence. Over and over again.
Stop beating yourself up with the 'what ifs'.
A hospice nurse and a psychiatrist (separate organizations/people) told me that 'often' a person goes when their loved one isn't there as a way to shield them from that pain. (This happened to me). I am not saying that your mom did this - or somewhere in her - that was intentional, desired, or possible - however I believe a person dying knows it is eminent and has some ... ability to manage when that moment will happen. Your mom was protecting you.
I share in your grief and extend my deepest sympathies to you and your family.
Gena / Touch Matters
Mum was afraid of losing herself, so I'd like to think that she had some agency in her last moments.
We're all different, yet so similar. Our experiences and reactions to them connect us, even though we may never meet.
My condolences to you at this sad time. I hope you find the strength to get through this.
I hope that you have found peace, after losing loved ones.