Hello. I have been lurking here for a long time and have found it helpful. It’s my turn. In Jan 2021 my Dad passed away. He was the main caretaker for my Aunt with early onset dementia. I suspect some mental disorder as well because she’s been a little off her whole life. She has never been married or had children.
She came to live with me when he passed and it’s been very hard. She never worked only lived off inheritance so she never paid into SSI or Medicare.
We see now “spending down” her inheritance and paying a Medicare Full premium of $800/month. Last was the worst night we have ever had as far as combativeness and almost injuring my pet. I’m a married working 34 y/o with a teenage daughter. It is time for placement but I feel like such a failure and so sad. My sister tries to be supportive but has her own life. I was the one with an extra bedroom. I find myself sad, depressed and my “fuse” is nonexistent. All of my relationships are suffering bc of my burn out. I know what I need to do but I’m so sad. The price or Memory care is about $7k a month. I have to hope we can manage 5 years for the Medicaid look back. She spends money on Medicare, medical bills, Walmart, DoorDash because she can’t drive and a small storage unit. It is so much pressure not to screw up her spend down. My day job is personal attendant to my step sister who is legally blind with intellectual disabilities so going to work and then coming home to more caregiving is nuts. I feel hopeless and like I serve no purpose other than this. I’m scared my Aunt will hate me and my Dad would be mad at me (he refused to place her). Thanks for just reading it you made it this far. Many of you have really helped me not even knowing it.
If the gifting that Aunt did was small gifts for holidays and graduations, Medicaid is not going to care. They are looking big transfers in the thousands.
I'm surprised your dad didn't create a "special needs trust" for her which would have avoided this.
I would use some of her money to hire a highly qualified, NELF certified attorney.
If your aunt starts acting out to the detriment of your daughter, get her to the ER and do a "social admit".
We have a post here, Alva, who says that sometimes we get our "g" words confused. We think we feel guilt when we actually feel grief.
I'm sorry you feel sadness over this. We have posters whose relative are so much happier and better off after placement in a good facility; the fact that Aunt has money to private pay is a wondrous thing. You can generally get her into a much better facility.
If she is combative, please have her seen by a geriatric psychiatrist. It may be what's called Sundowning.
I’m sorry your father left you with this burden.
What you’re aunt may OR MAY NOT think is a product of isn’t coming from reality, but rather from perceptions distorted by the one or more problems already part of her damaged brain.
When caring for a damaged, troubled relative that no one else assumes responsibility for, YOU become the boss by default.
Would it disappoint you to find that she may be MUCH HAPPIER in a residential care setting? Don’t be too surprised if you learn that it’s the case.
YOU deserve a pleasant peaceful life and so do your husband and daughter. And in fact, so does your aunt.
Do some research, today. RIGHT NOW. See what you can find that’s nearby and can accept someone with her disabilities. Make a portfolio, if you have the time, and compare the choices available to her.
Do you have POA? Does anyone, if you don’t? DO NOT continue to use money that is not hers, to support her. It will only make for more difficulties for you.
PROTECT YOURSELF, and treat yourself WELL. Many others in your position would have REFUSED to take on her care as you did.
You gave it a shot, and it didn’t work out. NOT YOUR JOB, NOT YOUR BURDEN TO ASSUME, NOT YOUR FAULT that you have to change plans.
Why don't you get her into Memory Care as a private pay patient and apply for Medicaid when that money runs out?
Are you working with an Eldercare attorney?