I love my Mother dearly. She is the only person in this world that knows me fully and loves me unconditionally. We are very, very close. If I were single and childless, I would take her out of her facility and care for her at home, but I’m not. My husband has threatened divorce if I were to bring her home. He is NOT supportive in any way. But even if he were not in the picture, my child has mental health issues that have gotten worse with this pandemic. Among other issues, my child has an anxiety disorder related obsession with and fear of death. My Mother is failing. Bringing her home with us (probably to die) would most likely negatively affect my child. So Mom stays at her facility. I struggle with this daily as Mom gets worse. It has torn me up inside. I feel as though I am essentially abandoning my Mom for my child. Intellectually I know that most people would say that my first responsibility is to my child, however, it’s just a terrible situation. Has anyone else had a similar situation? How do you handle the guilt?
Yours seems to be a 10.
You and your Mother love each other very much and unconditionally. A loving mother that has had a full and loving life would tell her daughter that she has had your time, love and support throughout your whole life. Her cup is full and she wants that for you. She would want you to take exceptional care of yourself first and foremost. She would want a healthy and happy woman to raise her grand daughter and bring her up in a loving home.
I didn’t follow my own advice, my mother was very demanding. I lost myself by trying to take care of more than was humanly possible. Every aspect of my life suffered and there wasn’t any “me” left. I lost everything that was important to me including my health. Your choice has consequences. Pick the choice you can live with. You’re in my prayers.
Death is part of the life cycle and depending on the age of your child, is what and how much you allow her to experience.
She can visit her Grandma often when she's living ar your home. Your child doesn't have to be there in the room when she dies.
You should let your mom come home to die where she will feel loved and not afraid.
Very sad to be alone when you die.
"home to die where she will feel loved and not afraid".
Mother could feel or not feel loved or afraid in her care home or any other location. That is unknown.
"Very sad to be alone when you die'. People can die alone or with others at home or in their care home. In fact, sometimes they wait until you leave the room. I have personally seen this many times.
Spending time with her, holding her hand, is the thing, the location won't matter.
"Neither of us are good communicators with each other." Key word *Neither*
How OP describes the relationship with her mother:
"She is the only person in this world that knows me fully and loves me unconditionally. We are very, very close."
Unless I am missing something, I honestly don't get why so many people have assumed the husband is being a big selfish jerk here.
There are people who are so enmeshed with their parent(s) that it's dysfunctional. And it WILL affect a marriage! There is a man who posts on this forum who got divorced because his wife was incapable of separating herself from her mother. He should come along and comment.
The OP's husband's reasoning -- that having an elder in the home who needs facility level care will negatively affect his child is VALID. Nobody here knows the backstory of how/why the mother came to be in a facility in the first place. I'd be willing to bet, given the OP's relationship with the mother, that it was for GOOD reason.
It seems to me she is now fearful of her mother passing, and having all kinds of guilt, but to contemplate throwing away her marriage, and causing problems for an already vulnerable child just to bring her mother back from the facility where she will "probably" live her last days doesn't seem like the right solution to me. That "probably" could turn into a long time.
Then what- your divorced, your child could end up living with his dad, and you may end up having to put your mom back in the facility anyway. That is what happened to the man I mentioned who posts here. They got divorced. The kids went with him, the wife stayed utterly devoted to her mother, and STILL ended up having to place her.
To the OP: I am very sorry you are so conflicted and struggling. If your mom is dying then it is time for hospice. It is time to make arrangements so you can spend time with your mother where she is, imo, with hospice support. Stay over night if need be. Pack a bag and stay for days. You can be there for your mom without it involving a move back to your home. My concern for you is that IF you bring her home, and let the chips fall with DH and son, then you may deeply regret it later.
Good luck, and I hope you are able to come to a resolution that works for both you and your family.
I'm a Christian so, naturally, I would bring home my beloved mother....actually I did that very thing. My mother and I were very close....and bringing her to live with my husband and myself was just a given. My only child was grown and involved with her own life, in fact, she was angry with me for another reason, which I won't go into here.
Being kind is always right. Your dear, sweet mother needs you now. She gave you life. And, I believe, the least you can do is to bring her home, and ask the Lord to help you to love all in your family, whether they are upset, angry or whatever....I pray you will do what needs to be done. And, I pray that God will be with you in you do. Your mother gave to you life, love, and sacrificed more for you than anyone else...and she needs you now. I pray you will step up for your mother, and may God be with you! Shalom!
What people say and do in the name of "Jesus Christ" and "God" and "religion" is and always has been a disgrace.
if your mother is in decent managed care, there is nothing wrong with her living her end of days there.
guilt has no place in care, could of, should have, would have are moments of emotional weakness.
I wouldn’t pull my mother out of good managed care, I would love her in the stable environment she is in and seek to pour more care into a mental health of our child
At one point I was ready to throw in the towel and have sis move in with my family so I could take care of her-that she would get the best possible care. My husband telling me-we will never have a day off to ourselves we will be on duty 24/7, to make sure sis does not try to escape, has dry briefs, gets her meds, gets a bath and try to squeeze in some quality time with sis, while my youngest is finishing up his degree. My parents have home care been a real struggle getting good care-dad falling, not kept clean things not going well on that front. Even with help from the outside-responsibility for keeping things afloat would have been on me. I am one person-I knew I could not do the job of 4-5 people that would be available and involved with care at a community. My second job getting parents to the dr. and doing their bills, taxes and pills in my spare time. I had to say no at some point-I can not do all of this indefinitely. My sister has since passed away only 2 years after moving here.
Do I wish now that I had ended up bringing my sister home? I dont know that we would have had any more special moments or not, would she have lived longer? I dont know that either. Would I have been exhausted trying to do everything all day? Yes. I knew it would be too hard to try bringing my sister home to my house and then say sorry sis I can not do this any more and then take her back to a community if I could even find a spot during covid would be nearly impossible to do.
We have to make tough choices-I am sorry I could not stop the disease/let alone modern medicine could not save her either and have more time with my sister. I had to accept that I am one person although- I would try to give it my all I am not wonder woman. I had to accept the trajectory of my sister's life was going to be basically what it was-a few happy moments when she knew me and knew my name, a few good days, a few good conversations, a few visits to Bob Evans for blueberry pancakes was all I could do/give during a Covid year. I was able to give sis a lifetime of love, kisses and hopefully comfort during her last week of life in Hospice.