My parents are both in poor health - my father is in remission from leukaemia though is currently in the ICU for the 5th time in as many months with a lung infection, and my mom has depression and a slow growing blood cancer. I'm 32 and have one sibling who does not help in any way with their care. We don't really have any other family to speak of.
Initially I was living abroad and moved home in 2010 when my father had his first bout of cancer. At that time both my parents were in their mid 60s and were fit and active. After the initial diagnosis he had ups and downs with his health, so I got a job nearby and lived with them until late last year. The more well they seemed to be I guess the more tired we became of each other (!!), and the time seemed right for me to leave again and resume my life abroad. I got a fantastic job, we said our goodbyes, they told me not to worry about them etc.
A week later I got the call that my dad was in ICU and it was 'touch and go' and that I needed to come home as it didn't look like he would pull through. My job were great and gave me some time off, and we've been on an emotional rollercoaster since then. Thankfully my dad has regained consciousness and is doing well, for now. My mum has taken his latest illness incredibly hard and emotionally she is not coping. My sibling is nowhere to be seen.
The time has come where my job really needs an answer from me as to whether I'm coming back or not. I am so very torn, and when I think about quitting the resentment builds. It's not my parents' fault, and to be honest when I think about leaving them it upsets me. But I do also worry about staying. No-one can say how long my dad has and in what condition he'll be if he's discharged from hospital. My mum has spent a great deal of time caring for him too and I don't know if she'll cope if this happens again. Her depression adds a terrible dimension to everything she goes through and really does drag me down too, much as I try not to let it.
I love my parents, and I care for them because I think if I were in the same situation I'd hope someone would do it for me. They're not especially high dependency yet, and the care I provide is mainly trying to help them cope with daily things like shuttling them from hospital appointments, getting groceries, household chores etc. but with time I imagine their needs will increase.
I have no friends here as I left this town quite young, and I worry how I would cope if I lost them both and found myself here with no support system. I feel like if I don't go back to 'my life' now I never will, but the other half of me is racked with guilt for even feeling that way. I know there is no easy answer, but is there anything that can help me find my way to a decision?
Also a lot depends on the grown child's age and health. If you look at continuing care facilities, majority of the workers are quite young. There is a good reason for that. Plus the workers get to go home, enjoy their family, and get a good night sleep to awake fresh in the morning.
There are a lot of wonderful retirement and continuing care facilities. Let the parent enjoy being around people of their own age group. That way the grown children could be spending quality time with the parent, instead of being too exhausted to enjoy being around them.
One time I asked my parents that when the time came that they needed a Caregiver and an agency sent over a person who doesn't know CPR, doesn't know how to read blood pressure, doesn't know how to listen to one's heart, who dislikes cooking, is scared silly when driving, and is pushing 70 years old, would you accept this person as your Caregiver.... my parents said of course not.... well, that person would have been me. Oh.
I learned since I was very young that families should be together no matter what, in illness and in health because my mom did it with her mom, although she had the help of her brothers, but that was how I was raised. I love my mom, I wish I could do different but I can´t. I put myself in my mom´s shoes and I would not like if my children thought I was a problem and had to be sent away to a nursing home.
But everyone has different ways of thinking and I respect them.
There would never have been enough time to say all we needed to say, but these weeks helped immensely. Where we go from here I don't know, except that it's going to be one day at a time.
My mom used to commute and give care for my grandmother in her (GMs) home and my great-grandmother in a facility - she was too immobile, cranky, and impaired after a stroke to be managed at home. GM was depressed but could physically manage in a wheelchair after she lost her legs. Both were mostly sad times but there were some good visits too. But, the relationships had not really been close and it was more out of duty on my mom's part.
My other issue besides not moving my family was having to be the one to work and support the family - hubby took early retirement, with relatively few years of paying into SSI, and a business failure...and we would not have managed on his 700 a month, nor did he think he could physically provide the care even with lift equipment, etc. Mom was pretty total care including bathing and bathroom; she could feed herself with set up and put on her wig with help and that was it.