I feel guilty asking this question, but has anyone regretted their decision to let a family member move in? I think I made a mistake.

Oldcodger2-thank you for your kind words! Yes, it is a baby step, but one we can build on. MIL has always been mean and nasty. Hubby knows that, but I think part of him has always wanted her to be the mother she never will be. I also minimize my interactions. It is the only way to maintain my sanity. Susan26- we think alike. We had a bonus room upstairs we weren't using. I cleaned it up and turned it into a tv room. MIL controls the family room tv, and it is either news or sports all the time. We needed a place to watch what we want to watch. In addition to the "safe zones", my son has dubbed the main floor "Ground Zero" - to be avoided whenever possible. He says it jokingly, but I do resent that this is OUR home, and she has turned it upside down.

I regret taking Mom in. Yes, I do, and I am tryhing so hard to find another alternative. she's a middle income person - not enough money for assisted living, and too much for medicaid. She is unhappy, needs to be entertained and is generally sucking the life out of me. This has been going on since 2007 when she moved into my daughter's home, then to mine, then to my sister's and now back to mine. She can't be happy anywhere, anyway, so all of the effort has been wasted. If you can get her out, do so. I am almost 64 and my husband would like to retire and us be able to do something sometime. Mom is 91 and I thought 5 years ago, that it would be a short time, so it wouldn't be so bad, but here it is 5 years later and there really isn't anything too physically wrong with her. I feel trapped. It wouldn't be so bad if she had any concept of what she has done to everyone that has tried to help her be happy. I feel for you and I hope you can remedy this situation while you can. I am 64 and I would never think of living with my kids, or if I did, I would be so grateful and helpful for knowing what I was doing to them. At least it's taught me what NOT to do when I am older.

Your question and the comments posted is an eye opener for those who may be facing the same thing in the near future with their parents. I have made the mistake of telling my my mother I would always try to take care of her. Now I have to undo her notion that it included living with me. We are total opposites in every conceivable way. I also have no intention of remolding my home to suit her creature comforts. She has enough income and assets to pay for home care or assisted living. She is a wonderful person, but too emotionally immature and needy. I want to be able to live my life the way she did at my age, free to be able to do things I want to do. If this sounds selfish, so be it.

As we have found out waaay too late - we can be our parents advocate and caregiver WITHOUT having them live WITH us. Wherever they may live - whether it be an apt., assisted living or nursing home - we, as their children, should still visit often, do what we can to make them comfortable.

Can we MAKE them HAPPY??? NO! Happiness does not come from another person. It comes from within - from living a fulfilling life. When an aged person loses their independence and they have nothing to look forward to but more illness, pain and eventually death - well, how in the world can they be happy? We certainly can't fix it. All we can do is be supportive.

After 8 years of in home caregiving to my MIL - I would say to anyone even beginning to contemplate what do do with Mom or Dad - DON'T BRING THEM INTO YOUR HOME!! Believe it or not, as bad as moving from their home into assisted living may be - they will STILL feel MORE independence there than they ever would living with us. Everyone needs that autonomy. That way anything they don't like can be blamed on the 'workers' and not us.

Looking back, I would never invite my MIL here if I had it to do over. As she aged, lost more and more independence and we had to do more and more for her (and it was 99.9% ME who took up the slack) the more unhappy and resentful she became.

I only recently found out that she has been on a 2 year crusade to destroy my good name to anyone we know mutually. She is this 'sweet little old lady' and really is a Jekyll and Hyde - treating me one way and the rest of the word another way.

She is to the point now that there isn't a thing she says to anyone that is totally accurate. Everything is EMBELLISHED and STRETCHED and often - just a pure fabrication! My hubby is flabbergasted at the least and DISGUSTED and ANGERED at some of the things she has said about me to others. She cannot be trusted.

So, our 'separation' continues. I still clean for her when my hubby takes her to the doctor (he takes her to ALL her appointments now - I will never again be alone with her for any length of time), I still make most of her meals (she has meals on wheels 3 x a week), pay her bills, shop for her, make her appointments, fill her medicine boxes (I do them 2 weeks at a time - less interaction). The only thing that has changed is that I am no longer spending time with her. I no longer try to make her happy. I do not escort her anywhere. She eats in her own apt. We only invite her over for a meal once in a great while.

She lives her life and we live ours - our caregiving is not so much hands on anymore. I am pushing 65. I am beginning to have some health issues that I know will preclude my ever being able to help her physically. She outweighs me 2 to 1. IF the day comes when she cannot care for her own physical needs - bathing, toileting - she will leave here. Hubby knows I cannot do the hands on caregiving that I did in the past. (I nursed her through 3 surgeries with lifting, turning, etc., etc.) Those days are gone for me. My husband had shoulder surgery and his 'lifting' days are in the past as well. IF she ever falls, it will require a 911 call to get her up. It is just the way it is.

I have gone over this scenario so many times - trying to figure out how in the world to do it differently - but, I cannot ever go back to how it was. She has broken my heart, ripped it out and stomped on it, betrayed me to our friends, impugned wrong motive to most everything I have ever done for her and still does. That's the clincher - it never stops. Anyone who calls, anyone who stops, it's always the same. I AM STILL TREATING HER THE SAME - AND SHE IS SOOOOO LONELY. She gets more visitors (church friends) and phone calls in a week than I do in a year. She is NOT lonely. She is just MAD. And never an apology - EVER.

So, I SAVED MYSELF. Things are the way they must be for me to remain sane. As the bible says 'we reap what we sow' - she is reaping the results of her own disloyalty and anger. I am going more for her than most would do under similar circumstances. She has two other children and their spouses who NEVER call or see her - maybe once every year or two. Should I feel guilty? I don't think so. I am working past my guilt. Almost there.

I was glad to see this discussion. I am feeling so guilty. I do regret having my mother move in with me. She has taken all the joy out of my house. Unbelievable! My mother is so mean and unappreciative. Because of this no one visits or have her visit them. I am in this house with her,almost,24 hours/7days a week. I am filled with so much anger and resentment toward the rest of my siblings (2 sisters and 1 brother). Regardless, I still do what I know is right and try to do my best for her. It's hard. Everything I do revolves around her. She sees no good in anyone-no one. Talking to her does no good. I don't
even think it goes in one ear to come out the other. Sometimes, I look at her sitting in her room alone and feel so sorry for her. My brother who lives about 35 minutes away hasn't seen my mother since 2010; my oldest sister has visited her about 2 times each year (staying less than an hour) and my sister who lives about 3 minutes away comes up 3-5 times a week (after 6:00 p.m.) with a book and sits in my mother's room and reads. She doesn't even volunteer to put a fork on the table. I have written letters to them and talked to them about how tired I am and what they could do to help; it has done no good. Most of the time this is met with hostility. My mother has been a member of her church for over 50 years and not one church member has visited her (not, even, the pastor). This is sad. I keep saying, "If I had only known!" Every morning I pray that this day be a better different day. I don't think that God hears me. How can you live in someone's home who is taking care of you and never show any gratitude, smile, or say a kind word? It has gotten to the point where I don't want to be in my own home but this is where I have to be because of my mother. On the rare occasions that I do go out I sit in my car when I get back hating to come inside. I could go on and on. Thanks for letting me vent. No, you are not the only one having this feeling of regret. We are doing what we feel is right: however, I have found out that the right thing to do is not always the best thing to do.

My biggest regret is that my kids who still live with us are terribly unhappy that my Mom is living with us. I knew that it would be a change for our family. I didn't realize that Mom's condition was a bit more advanced than I thought. We're very lucky that there is an adult day club nearby that she loves going to, so I do get a break so that I can go to work. I know in the end, I will be grateful for this time....it is just a very difficult adjustment.

veronimck4 - I feel your pain....My sister sees Mom once a week for around 4 hours. My brother has only seen her 3 or 4 times since she moved in with us in December. Both of them live around a half hour away. I would so love to have more time alone with my kids and husband. I miss what we used to have.

I also miss being able to pick up and go whenever I wanted to. Mom can't be left alone. I know that she has lost so much, but so have I by bringing her into my home.

To oldcodger2: Very well said. I feel like you have been hanging out at my home. I wish I could turn back the clock to 3 years ago. Mom would be in a nursing home and I would not be worn out and feel like I am taking care of a stranger. One who is getting harder to deal with every day because her mind is slowly going.

I'm 17 years old. We recently moved my maternal grandmother into our house. I am much closer with my paternal grandmother, but never had any issues with my maternal one.
Life here is now an utter disaster. My parents both work and no one gets home till four. Then we're expected to be around and be entertaining till she (the grandmother) goes to bed, anywhere from 6-7. My mum, who is stressed because of work and my upcoming college, has to take her to all her appointments. She can't hear me, and refers indirectly to my mum about me. Twice she has waited till both my parents are out of the house to corner me and lecture me about my treatment of her. I am now terrified to be alone with her, and will litteraly run to my upstairs room, as she never leaves the ground floor.
I feel immensely guilty as I am a bad grandaghter. I'm not expressly disrespectful, I am just terse and short. I avoid her whenever possible and often have headphones in with loud music to avoid her. She has poor personal hygiene, refers to me as "she", bosses around my mother, is loud and opinionated, seemed incredulous as to my religious beliefs, told me that no other person has ever treated me as badly as I've been treating her, and in general is making my life here an absolute hell and straining my relationship with my parents, and I think, their marriage. I wish to god I'd never supported her moving in, and I am completely apathetic as to what happens to her next, I just wish she'd leave.

So a WARNING to all of you who think it's the right thing. While it may be for you, for us it was not. It has been and will continue to be horrible, and I wish I could go back and tell my family what we were about to unleash on ourselves. Also, we are very carful about diet and exercise, only eating red meat once or twice a month. She criticizes this, eats masses of food (literally an entire bag of chips or carton of ice cream) and smokes.

ema123 I am sorry this is happening to you... My Grandmother lived with us most of the time I was growing up. She was mean at times and VERY ungrateful!!! I would encourage you to talk with your Mom tell her how you feel and explain how unhappy this situation makes you.Mom may feel quilty or not know what else to do... I would encourage your Mom to get a hold of the local Area Agency on Aging, they can offer help and encouragement... take care!

It's not an easy task. I took care of my mother and I often though of the same thing, I got frustrated at times, I felt as if I had no life & was being taken away. But when my mother past away, it was so much easier for me to accept her, felt a huge satisfaction to know I gave back what she gave me... her life, time and patience. As the yrs go by without her, I miss her a lot, her company is no longer there, I am left with my 2 dogs and nothing else to worry about. I know she is happy and in a better place and I know I will see her again. For now, just cherish each moment, meditate, do yoga and see that life is temporary

I brought my mother home from an ALF, her third ALF in 4 years, she wouldn't make easy on herself or the ALF staff, I kept getting complaints from her as well as the ALF owners who kept complaining about her troublemaking skills, and she kept telling me how lonely she was and how she wanted to at least die next to family. As a child I remember her as a sometimes bitter, angry woman, as a young mom myself I rarely found her to be a reliable or even willing help to me and my children, she was proud and unbending, I was usually the one to give in, in a sense I always wanted mommy to love me the way I loved my children, when my stepdad was alive he acted as her father, secretary, cook and maid, they were married almost 40 years until his death and then I took over but no matter what I did it never ended up well. During that period she stopped talking to me for a whole year and would only talk to my brother who gave her to me when thing got bad and told me he couldn't be with her for even 10 minutes and she wasn't allowed in his home. The fact that my mother was always so difficult should have been enough to keep me from bringing her to live with my husband and myself but no, guilt, compassion and other events that took place in my life at the time lead me to open my home to her and instantly became her caregiver. Today I am a sad, frustrated wife and daughter, as time goes by I feel less like a daughter taking care of a mom and instead a caregiver who's obligation is to provide and care for someone called mom. She was always a selfish woman who put herself first and now at the end of her life it has gotten worse, she talks, eats, sleeps but lives completely disconnected from life except to worry about her, as I little by little become emotionally disconnected from her which is the saddest thing that could happen to a child, I went from being a happy healthy woman to someone who sees mortality, old age and death the only life left to live so basically I just keep providing everything I can so she can be as comfortable as possible. I should be happy and proud of doing such a good deed, instead I feel as if they had stolen my las good years from me, sometimes I believe she uses her illness to murmur and say what she really feels, as I walk by her she even calls me names. If a friend or anyone comes over my house and we establish a conversation she will start talking to herself just so everyone can stop and pay attention to her, some people find it funny but it hurts me because she knows exactly when to do it and she knows who and what she talks about. Yes, some do hurt the person who loves and helps them the most. Last year I spent 3 hours putting up the Christmas tree with the help of the lady I had at home to care for her back then, and 3 hours she didn't stop talking to herself about how unhappy she was, by the time my husband came home I was in tears, those were my holidays (my time off from work that I should have been enjoying) She goes to bed early so even on the weekends I now have a tendency to waking up early too because I know my mother's up and needs her breakfast and her meds which she cannot get herself due to the arthritis in her hands and body no more morning coffee in bed for me, and that is my life, watching my mother sitting in my family room waiting for death, not being happy with anything we do for her while I miss my privacy, my freedom, my hopes and even the joy of spending time with my husband because I have become angry at the both of us for making the decision to bring her home. I am sad and depressed a lot of times looking on while other people have lives. We have tried placing her in another ALF but the ones we like we cannot pay for and the ones we can pay for I myself would not want to die in, so there it is again the sense of duty and guilt that that was instilled in me as I grew up and she herself did not show when she was younger and healthy. We have taken a step forward and placed her as a DAY CARE patient in a good ALF near our home 6 days a week, now we can at least take either Saturday or Sunday off, she still comes home every night and we have to get her ready in the morning, so I am still responsible for her medicines, her bath, her room, doctors, clothing, etc but at least I don't have to walk around with a grocery list because we have to have milk in the fridge or wake up with the smell of food all over the house because my mother has to have her meals during the day and we have to go to work, now we can at least get one day off on the weekend, by the way having a lady in my house to take care of her did not work out either, most of the time I ended up cleaning for and telling another strange person what to do, which was an added stress instead of a relief.
God Bless and help us all.

Stilhope, are you sure I didn't write that? Lol. I try hard to take one day at a time. One minute at a time really. I feel my life is slipping away and I'm sick with no family around and no way to go see them. I'm sad, but I try to not be. My husband starts with Mom so I can go away for a, day or weekend but it's not fair. We can't afford help. MOM's VS was cut off because I put the wrong item on the wrong line, so now they want $8300 back. This is the craziest thing I've ever heard. Hopefully, someone will help me so that Mom doesn't have to give all her pension and SS to them. Ugh.

When I offered to move my MIL in, my husband said " If my mother moves in, I'm moving out" He is so much wiser than I am. For twenty years 1993-2013 she lived independently. Then the stroke hit in May '13. Now she can't drive and was angry. Bored. Lonely. Last Fall we started taking her on tours of various facilities. We didn't tell her where we were going, we just took her there. She saw with her own eyes that the Assisted Living was a beautiful place. She ran into people she knew living there. It was NOT a warehouse, it was more like a cruise that never leaves the dock. Linens on the tables impressed her. There was a beauty salon! Bus trips! A big Activities Room! Two private dining rooms for dinner with family. All on one floor no stairs or elevators. And she was still well enough to enjoy these things. A nurse to manage her pills. Laundry and Linens provided. A bright window in her room with a nice view.
She is now looking forward to something she dreaded.

Bless you Stillhope, I admire you. I just finished 6 years and here we go on year 7 with my Mom. When she could walk and I still worked fulltime I hired a morning person 2 hours. They came in, I left, they helped her get dressed and drove her to daycare. That lasted over 2 years until she had a stroke and stopped walking and I left my job to stay home with her. She had breakfast and a big lunch at daycare and thought she worked there. We do what we have to do dont we! My husband is so supportive of me and helps me change her diaper at night. I kept my morning help, it makes the rest of the 24 hours more bearable with being cooped up,but Mom will stay here forever; shes like my big baby doll and very sweet, only can say a few words but loves to laugh. lol I went through that agressive wandering stage, its the worst, but it does end.Hold your head high !

I have caregivers MYSELF at age 60(since age 54.) I think all of you are probably accurate and I sympathize with all of you BUT: at least your parent(s) are still alive. There's a lot to be said for that. My mother, to whom I was VERY close died when I was 34(she was only 62); my father died when I was 41(he was 78.). But if it DOES get to be too much, I would just tell - not ask - your parent(s) that they're going to the nursing home. Period. And if it's your parent in-law, TELL your spouse; even threaten to leave. Enough is enough.

Thank you all for your honesty! My parents have lived with us for 11 years and my father had to be admitted to a NH due to his lack of mobility 3 months ago. He is NOT happy. The facility is decent and the people are good and kind. He just wants to be home so desperately. My mother is in the being stages of Alzhemiers and can't help care for him anymore. I work fulltime and have a family of my own. We go visit him everyday at the NH as soon as I get home from work, make dinner and feed all the animals. He constantly complains and tells me that I have to mget him out of there. That I don't understand that all he wants is to come home. The hardest part for me is that he thinks I am the reason he is there. he doesn't understand that his frailty is the reason. He insists that he can do all the physical things he needs to do to care for himself....yet, he can't make it to the bathroom so he uses a urine bottle and deficates in a diaper.
I am so exhausted with caring for mom and the mental toll this ongoing verbal volleying with my father is taking.
I am an only child and neither parent has relatives that are alive. It is just me and my family. My kids visit him every week and my husband does too. My husband has sacrificed so much for them. He and I have no life outside of them anymore.
I love my parents dearly but I am just a shell of my old self.
My faith and Celexa are what get me through most days! LOL
I feel blessed to have found a safe place to vent where I won't be judged and people understand!

Nothing compare to you all

I cared for my husband dying of cancer, I cared for my Mother, she was dying from COPD, I cared for my Step-Father, I agree, it is really hard, it is even heart-breaking at times, but I do not regret ever taking them in and caring for any of them. I didn't have an ideal childhood, it was actually an emotionally abusive childhood. but I stepped out of that place, and grew up, I made sure I told my children every chance I had that I lived them, and we dished out hugs everyday. As hard as it was I do not and will never regret taking in my parents, or caring for my husband, I was with them up to the end of each of their lives. A lot of tears were shed, it was endless, tiring hard work, but it was the most rewarding work I have ever done.

I hope I haven't offended anyone, I just wanted to share my own opinion. It doesn't have to be meaningless work, they cared for me for 18 years, I was able to give back at least a couple of years, and they died knowing they were appreciated, loved, and never a burden to me or mine.

One of the best things to purchase for your elderly parents is the new "Raised & Easy Access Toilet Seat" sold on amazon.
Not only does it promote independence and safeguard their dignity but it also help prevent Urinary Tract Infections (UTI's) which is often a re-occuring problem among that generation, especially women.

WOW! I had considered moving my elderly mom in with me a few months ago but was encouraged against it by several people. After reading all your posts, THAT would be the worst decision I could make! THANK YOU for sharing your insights and helping shed light on the situation for the rest of us who are even thinking about it! Your pain and frustration has helped so many. You will be blessed for that. I truly believe that. We are comforted so we can comfort others. Pass on our mistakes and insights to help others along this journey to maybe help avoid them. I live a couple of hours away from my mom that I lived next door to for 7 years. I go see her for a few days every two weeks on the train and stay in her home, get groceries, walk her dog, clean, laundry, meals, etc.. She had full time caregivers for 3 months this Spring after several bouts in the hospital, two falls, and other health issues. Putting her back in a Rehab Nursing Home was out of the question for various reasons. (over medicating, neglect, etc.) She just wanted to go home and die the end of March. They let her do that if I could arrange full time caregivers (I am her POA) and we did that. They never did figure out what was wrong with her as surgery would have killed her. She is now on her own part-time, with myself and another care giver. She has severe scoliosis and a blood disorder. She is on Medicaid and is part-time in a wheelchair and her walker. Her health is frail but is SOOO improved from last March. Her biggest challenge is her head with fear and panic attacks. Not something new as she has aged and had health challenges. My mom has always been on the negative fearful side, depending on others to make her happy. She is not very strong emotionally or mentally, and she questions God all the time so she is pretty frail spiritually also. Like He did not do her good and do things her way. She has been hurt a lot thru the years and really thinks life should go her way. A bit selfish, and self absorbed, so getting older and dealing with health issues does not come easy. We have all decided she will not age well and the end will not be a happy one. She is now almost 85. But we have decided it will be HER decision should she get to where she gets too tired and can't do it any more and decides to leave her home and her dog and her independence to go to a home. Because we get blamed enough for everything we do wrong, or right, or....so this will be her decision that maybe we won't hear about for the rest of her life. I am single, and the one who is most mobile to help her. My siblings have husbands and their lives and most live far away. I am thankful I moved a year ago from next door to my mom because her neediness was destroying me. I can now go back to my new home with my daughter and her family and my precious grandson and enjoy my life as it is supposed to be at age 64. She gets lonely and moving around is challenging but as she learns that SHE is responsible to do what she can, she settles down and does better. We work at setting healthy boundaries for all of us all the time or it gets real ugly fast. We keep it simple for her. Every day she needs to eat. Sleep. Walk. Drink water. I have NO regrets about anything at this point. We are all doing all we can to help her stay at home. And if the time does come to move her to where she needs more help, no one will feel guilty or have regrets. It is what it is! The beautiful part would be for her to just go to sleep and pass on to that NEW HOME while at her home! If not, and we have done good!

....oops. I am age 63! Just turned! It goes fast enough without me moving it faster!

Hi, Does anyone know about the the elderly waiver program in San Marcos, Ca. ? Please let me know.

I don't regret that I had Dad move in but I didn't realize how much work it would be. He is ambulatory so that is good but he depends on me to do things like mom did. Waits until dinner is served, etc. He does his own laundry, feeds himself breakfast and lunch most days. But he looks to us to be his social network. I have tried to introduce him to senior groups and lodge and my civic group. But he wont go without me to some of it. I had to come down on him hard about finance. I am having money problems and I can't fund his. He talks on the phone to family and friends and says how bored he is. He got pretty sick with the colds the past few weeks and I have to take him to the Dr, remind him about his meds. There are days when it is too much. I was sick for a week, then him, now my wife this week. I spent the whole weekend in the house cooking cleaning etc.... I work at home, I cant get away from any of it. It was his birthday this weekend. I made a nice meal, offered to get lobster and now I have to do it one night this week. My wife and I were to have a nice long week with him traveling to a family event alone, now we have to take him with us. I told him Id take him out for a nice breakfast but with his severe hacking I cant take him to any restaurant. He is bugging me to do our annual hunting trip this year but I backed out. I know I will be the cook, cleanup crew, valet for him and shopping for all the food for 8 people. I just don't want to do it this year (now I have to do it all before). I really want a week alone with my wife.
No offer from the siblings to hep (geographical issues). Like I said I don't regret it (I had to promise years ago Id take him). But it gets difficult after a while. This weekend was tough being stuck in the house. I can leave anytime but I feel guilty leaving and my wife is here sick so I cant leave her alone with it. There are no other option for living arrangement so I guess I'm it.....

The decision to take care of an elderly parent is one that you make based on your own life style and the relationship you have developed with your loved one. In making the decision 1) Realize that it is OK to say "I can't do this because because too difficult, and 2) Your loved one would not want you to sacrifice your life to maintain theirs. Do what your heart tells you whatever that decision is. Don't feel guilty. Life and death decisions are not ours to make anyway.You cannot prolong anyone's life. Strive to be kind and compassionate however those qualities are displayed in dealing with your loved one.

Don't be afraid to ask for help. Consider having someone come in to give you some help. Take the time to inquire and find an affordable agency or someone to provide some respite care for you. Schedule it in on a regular basis. You need it. Don't feel guilty because you are not guilty of doing anything other than trying to honor and love your parent.

I am a nurse and my mother had a very severe stroke at age 73 and was paralyzed on her right side, unable to speak, walk, toilet or feed herself. My father took care of her for 11 yrs until he was so far into dementia himself that my family had to put both of them in a personal care home. This home was owned by a woman who was a nurse herself, she had very good assistants working for her. The care was consistent and personal - the attendants knew my parents preferences and made them meals they liked, knew their bathing and personal hygiene routines and kept them consistent. Of course, my parents were still very unhappy, it is a rare elderly person who can lose their independence and still be cheerful. I did not personally do much of the care for them, at first my father would not let me help, as time went on he became bitter, blaming and angry and was so difficult to be around I pretty much severed contact with him. This went on for 16 1/2 yrs total until they died within 2 months of each other.The whole experience was awful, they both passed away a little over 2 yrs ago and I am still traumatized by it. The guilt and shame I feel are horrible. I am so glad I am not the only one who has experienced this. Although on an intellectual level I know I probably made the best choices I could for everyone involved, I feel like I should have been nicer and more understanding. It has made me hate myself and feel like a bad person. My brothers do not speak to me anymore as I essentially abandoned my role for the last 4-5 yrs and made them do it. Anyway, I haven't seen anyone mention a personal care home, there are lots of people who make a business out of taking care of elderly/disabled in their homes, just be sure to check them out well. I can't say enough good things about the home my parents were in, these places generally only have half a dozen clients or so at a time so it's much more personalized than a commercial nursing home. Good luck to all of you, I have been where you are. I thought it would be over when my parents died, but I am still dealing with emotional fallout from it.

My dad moved in with me and my family 4 months ago. I regret it. My mom passed away 10 years ago suddenly. Dad has had a knee replacement, epilepsy, memory problems and most recently.. diagnosed with bladder cancer, his bladder will be removed in 2 weeks. It is very difficult caring for him. My dad now thinks that he will live with me forever, it was supposed to be a temporary solution. I would not recommend taking in an elderly parent. It is hard on my husband, my kids, I have no life outside of work and coming home to care for my dad. I wish I would of looked at another living arrangement for my dad prior to moving him in with me.

kimmy - why not look for alternatives for your dad. It sounds like he needs more care than you can reasonably be expected to give. It was originally a temporary arrangement - you can hold him to that and tell him that you will help him find somewhere else to live and be cared for. If he does not have the funds, he can go in Medicaid. Have his needs evaluated so you can find a suitable place - assisted living or whatever. Do the memory problems suggest he is developing dementia? He has a number of serious health issues and at least some of them will get worse in time - too much for you and your household.
What does your husband think about this arrangement? He and your kids should come first - before your dad. (((((((hugs)))) I know it is difficult. You can still advocate for your dad and visit him, even if he lives somewhere else. Because of my mother's problems, I would never take her into my home, We moved her to yet another facility last week - hopefully the last. unless/until she needs a nursing home.
Be sure to take care of you. 30 - 40% of caregivers die before the person they look after.

By accident I heard my Mom and Dad on a tape message that they didn't realize was still on that they were going to sell their home and move in with us and weren't going to tell us they sold their home. I confronted them about this and my Mom became very hurt and said I thought you said we should sell our home. A few years ago I did say that but now they have a dog and we have a dog that is scared of their dog. They do have a bedroom in our condo, but we are only permitted to have 2 dogs. My Mom doesn't think there will be an issue even though we can be sued. We always travel to Europe together, have always done things with them and love eachother so much, so they thought that living together would be so much fun. We have done that in the past years ago and also recently they spend 4 months out of the year with us. It was a shock to hear that they would move in permanately. We love being with them and they are in their late 80's and my Dad has cancer. Besides wanting to be with us they cannot enjoy life because they are financially bad-off. They supported my brother all his life and have no money. We are paying their mortgage. They said they would pay us back when they sell their home and want to enjoy life with us. I told them I was shocked and said how could you live permanately in that bedroom because they stay in it all day when they visit and don't use the living room and then I said I feel sorry for my dog and he has fears of their dog. Well, my Mom couldn't believe what I said and said to me I thought you always wanted to be with us and would wanted us to sell and live with both of you. I said yes, a few years ago that was true, but now they have a dog too. Now my Mom and Dad are hurt and said we will all go on but she will never feel the same about me. My Dad will be coming here for a serious operation and he said he will be leaving as soon as he can. I feel awful, but we always have spent time with them because we have no kids. No because they think they don't have much time, they need to spend every minute with us. I would like that too, but why can't they just visit for a length of time. They still are strong at heart and have all of their faculties. I feel so guilty and I will be taking their dog when they pass, but hopefully they will live a long life with her. Right now she is a puppy and my nine year dog can't handle her and is scared all the time. I feel for him and I feel for them too. What should I do?