What is the reasonable amount for a child to receive as payment for caring for their elderly parent?

whiteknight.. you can recite statistics all you want but you are very selective in what you choose to post. I don't see you posting anything about the hundreds of thousands of dollars that caregivers give up in order to look after their parents for nothing. I have been a self-employed geriatric caregiver for almost 30 years, that was my livelihood until I had to give it up to move in and care for my mum and I can assure you that more caregivers are abused financially than the elderly are. The biggest financial abuse I have seen toward the elderly is by government not by family. That is not to say it never happens, it does, but there is more money lost in wages by sons or daughters having to give up their jobs and move out of their own home in order to look after their parents than parents taken advantage of financially by their children. Perhaps if the day ever comes when you have to look after your parent 24/7 without a spouse who has the luxury of leaving the house and going to a job every day where she gets to socialize and interact with colleagues rather than be housebound and having to stare at the same 4 walls every day you will have a different perspective of the facts of what 24 hour 7 day a week geriatric care really entails, then and only then will you know what financial abuse really is!

knight, you're so clueless it's scary... This has nothing to do with the past, and everything to do with services rendered.

And what do you call it when my mom insisted, demanded, that I turn over the vast majority of my paychecks for the first 5 years I was here and worked? What about my mom insisting, demanding, and telling me how many thou she was going to get out of it...and there was no saying no. Not if I wanted a moments peace. What do you call it when an elderly parent sucks their kid for all they can get financially? Would that be 'exploitation' by your definition? Yeah, my poor old mom, getting SO taken advantage of, as she cracked a whip over my head every day with her constant demands for more and more and more of MY freaking money! Yeah, boy! And she got it, too, just to shut her the hell up, because I couldn't take the screeching if I didn't comply, nor the verbal, and sometimes physical abuse...

You're damn right I deserve every single dime that I personally plan to SNATCH from my mom's estate for one reason. 10 years of unpaid wages for services rendered. The end.

I think, and I have had a few coronas so bear with, but I think what we have here's a failure to communicate- that is from a movie- kudos to who can tell me which one. ;) just a little levity
I do not find offense in WhiteKngihts posts because I think it is good to have different views and , well, a checks and balances. Is he/ she maybe coming from a place of fear or negativity- IMO.- yes, but OK- you know, OK- let him/ her share with us his / her fears. I think it ultimately comes down to a personal decision and one should not be intimidated by someone differing views.

Obviously knight has had some bad experiences with someone taking advantage of an elder and God bless for being a voice for our seniors. I am confident in my morals and my decisions as should we all be - and if we are not than we need to re-evaluate our decisions.

OR knight could be a sh1t stirrer which would be unfortunate. I don't think so , though. I think he/ she - and forgive me whiteknight for assuming here about you -- is truly concerned and , maybe, a right fighter, ---a bit. :/ ( I am too)

I say we listen to each other, take each others' advice and than be happy with our own PERSONAL decisions. It would be very weird , indeed, if we all agreed.

I do hope we all can realize that sharing experiences and views does not have to be hostile. We already scared off one potential poster---

Can't we all just get along?

Mmmmm, Corona. ;)

My sister is 52 years old, stays at my moms, puts her shoes on for her, 3 hour trips to the grocery store, damn she has to change the damn channel for her, has no income, my mother refuses to pay her, and on top of that wont even buy her food to eat that she likes. Everything in the house is either for her or this man that I think is taking advantage of the sexual appetite that FTD causes. Something with the frontal lobe and dementia. My brothers answer to taking care of my mother is to install a 24 hour camera, To monitor what and who., So we who stay at moms have our privacy invaded, crap, and he lives right around the corner, doesn't work but collects a social security check that he shouldn't be collecting, anymore than my out of state sister, she is ripping off the government too, and I think it is horrible, the bad always mess it up for the good.

Kellyjo,
Maybe that is a forum more appropriate for whiteknight the abuse that is happening with social security disability by so many. There he would find more support. It seems obvious that something has happened with the elder he has charge of. But that is not where the large majority of us are coming from. We provide valuable services and are underpaid, if paid at all to the benefit of other beneficiaries.

@kellyjo19 - What is FTD?

Frontal temporal dementia

Thank you gladimhere.

MishkaM it's Cool hand Luke, my husband is constantly reciting it!!

Assamdache7- Haha!!! I actually did not know- my husband says it a lot as well!! Too funny! So KUDOS!

I cheated and typed the line into a google search, amazing what google will deliver. Gone With the Wind, no just kidding, lol.

lol, everytime I look at the word FTD I feel like I have heard it before, lmao, Just dawned on me FDS FEMININE DEODARANT SPRAY RIGHT lol

Along with a little snicker. Thought I would write a(intended) quick update.
My family is going through a lot,( before this with my mom), I suffered the horrible loss of my 19 year old son. So "my family" and I were trying to heal our broken hearts. Well when I disovered something was wrong with my mom as I think I told you I went to the "others" seeking assistance in research etc. all I got was a battle from all, including physical force from mom and sister. Well since moms diagnosis I feel empowered for lack of better words. I have literally been swimming against the tide for two long long years. I can spend some of my time that I am not working helping my children. It is funny I talk to my mom today cause I was upset about a situation w my daughter seems her boyfriend is taking to abusing her. Well I am not having that I will tell you right now. My moms comment was leave them alone, let them live their lives, it is none of my business. I am sure I offended her, but told her I don't parent that way. I have not been the head of the family as I should since I have been so focused on my mom and after losing my son. I have just been putting one foot in front of the other. I am going to go give my son a piece of my mind, and bust all their butts for not supporting me when I came to them emotionally wiped out after being with my mom with all her verbal abuse. I literally cried myself to work the 3 weeks I was there 24 /7.
It seems that a lot of our age group (caretakers) parents, especially moms, were all cut from the same cloth. They turned out to be Narcissitic mothers, which is why we struggle with them, One of the issues is that now that they are in a weakened state in their mind we are going to get even for lack of better words. They know what they did even with the dementia, and it is frightening to them. I bring this to the table because it cannot be a coincidence and just my friends that have mothers like mine. I think it has something to do with post war parents and their offspring, our parents, or maybe the depression, all prior to us of course, and some of our parents were around then. What I do no is it was all PRE OPRAH, and selfhelp stuff. Our generation attempts to fix our issues. I surely hope that I can get something lined up insurance wise so that I can make sure I can pay someone to help me when the time comes, and if it is one of my children may I have instilled compassion and good communication skills so that they all work together not against each other.
I hope you all greet my sister with the support you showed me, she is back at moms. I want you to know I left her alone for 5 days and she did really well. It seems the more she has someone to do for her the last she does for herself. It really worked for h er. (this time anyway._

I have read all the comments and they are all very valid. It seems that we are all big suckers who give and give and give and don't get paid. I'm one of you. But, since talking to numerous people involved in elder care, I'm realizing that I should get paid and I feel fine about it, especially since my mother can afford to pay me. She even offered to pay me one time and I told her that I wanted the time off, not to be paid. That's not quite true any more. I should be paid for what I do, which is everything, as well as have adequate time off to regain my life which vanished when I started caring for my mother. I was such an idiot that I was surprised to find out that any parent actually paid their kids to take care of them. After years of wear and tear in caretaking, I know that I should get paid for this. So should you.
How very strange that my mother (and many of your parents) think that just because they give promise of future rewards via the will, that what you do in the meantime is free! That's working for real cheap.
My mother had the idea that since she was providing a place to live, and now, paying for the food I eat, that this is adequate payment. Yeah, really! She considered that adequate compensation. Yikes. I had that before I volunteered for caretaking, as well as the freedom to have a life and normal activities of my choice. I did some research and found out what I should be making per hour for the services I perform. I am well worth $3,400 per month easily. That's not counting extra nursing skills I have.
So, all of you should be paid. Go for it.

I too have a mom that can afford to pay me, however, then siblings with POA's etc get in the way. Those siblings also know that mom would want to pay me, but they hold the purse strings and are more concerned about what it will cost them when mom passes. POA even told attorney that she knows mom would want to pay me. Why should we have to go to court to resolve all of this, that is where we are now. And sib is looking at the very strong possibility of fiduciary surcharges being imposed by the court. If you do no know what that is, do a google search.

gladimhere-- perhaps you should walk away and let your POA siblings be responsible for your mum's care, I'm sure they would miraculously find the money to pay themselves for their caregiving services. Put your foot down and give them an ultimatum, tell them you expect to be paid for caring for your mum or you will find another caregiving job that DOES pay! Seriously, don't allow yourself to be taken advantage of any longer. Good Luck!

If one thing has become clear to me - we almost need to build a fund for care once diagnosed with any of these mental illnesses, come to that , any illness that is going to require full long term care. it is almost impossible for individuals to cover their own on going costs. A country has either got to fund this from direct income tax or by some other means. Care giving is work. I do it and beyond b and b , get nothing more. The assets of any parent or client should be frozen, transferred to an account which can be drawn against by the care giver and an executor. No one should be compelled to stay at home with a parent 24 hours a day without relief. No child has an automatic right to an inheritance - any money a client/patient has in any form MUST first be used to look after themselves. This MUST supercede any will - to be known as a living will. In the event no family care giver is available 2 attorneys should be appointed to organize their clients care. When this runs out , the country will then need to draw on a fund , specific to this purpose. The caregiver , if a family member, should be paid a "living" wage. Living in should be considered as part of that wage, at least a months respite care should form part of this, to enable the carer to have reasonable breaks. Part of the deal should be several hours a week say 20, where the client attends a day centre, this allows the carer to shop or attend to any matters, either for their own or the clients benefit.

Margot, said very well! And to try so hard to work with sibs to no avail. There should be laws, definitely! There are some that protect the one being cared for, but court is always required when there is no cooperation. And who ends up paying the fees? The one that is being cared for unless court orders fiduciary surcharges. A child should never be made poa or trustee without some type of oversight. They are always in a conflict of interest position because of their own interest in the estate.

Margot, and agencies that provide care will add a surcharge if a suitable place for sleep is not provided. In my area care is about $20.00 an hour, up to $23.00 if no place to sleep. Room and board deductions from care is not appropriate at all in these situations!

Gladimhere - sorry I have a cold and did not clarify bed and board, in my situation this is what is paid by my son who is the client living in my home. In NZ the Government pay an Invalid allowance to certain individuals who require life time care, they do not pay a parent as care giver , except in exceptional circumstances, where the care giver has had to give up work and their may be 2 family members with heavy needs. This is a recent innovation, paying family has always been a no no except as relatives caring for a relative for a few days throughout the year. The money is just a daily payment , which has no bearing on hours worked.

I am all for us getting paid for a job well done. What do you do when you're faced with hard decisions about an aging parent? When my mom talked about needing me to be here, she had fallen, she didn't want to fall again, and was scared to be alone, etc...what else could I do but go live with her?

I was working, but figured I could handle what was coming, she hadn't been diagnosed with alz yet at that point..or at least, I didn't know about it then, early on...and when she told me the diagnosis I just felt this sinking sense of dread..

I had heard of alz, read about it, kind of knew what was up...or at least, I thought I did.. No, I didn't. I was totally clueless. This isn't just a hard job. And it is hard, and people should know what they're really getting into before they take it on...

I know that there are people that love their parents very much, and are very glad to be able to care for them, and give them the dignity and respect they deserve. I'm glad that I could give my best to my mom, too, that I was there for her. I feel that gladness that I made sure that she had dignity and respect at the end of her days... but in my situation the stress just got to be too much, and I can't give my mom the care she needs anymore. After endless years, I'm being ground to dust under the massive workload and weight of this responsibility. I wish I could say it were otherwise, but it's not.

I don't think anyone deserves to be thrown in the streets destitute after years and years of being housebound out of necessity to care for an elderly parent. Had I known what this was going to be like, if I knew then what I know now, I never would have set foot in this house. I would have told her to sell some land and take care of herself... Hindsight...

Anyway, yeah, there should be a law in place taking care of care takers....when I read that unpaid caregivers saved the government 30+ billion a year, I'm wondering where my share is at. Since I did this for free and all...and when did I sign a contract and agree to do this for nothing?

Why should anyone be put into a position of what amounts to financial danger to themselves as a result of care giving? It doesn't matter how much you love...or don't...your parents... what parent would want their children to be in danger of homelessness due to their care? I wouldn't want that for my kids, period. And if you have a parent that doesn't give a damn if you're drowning and doesn't appreciate crap, distance yourself from them whenever you can, and charge them double...or triple. I don't know whose idea it was to make us all martyrs, but I don't want to be one of them.

When it comes to the bottom line, where adult children are losing hours, losing jobs, losing their homes, are forced into a position where they're own future security is in jeopardy and they lose all freedom because of the sometimes unasked for, and sometimes out of the blue, overwhelming responsibility of caring for an elder, it's asking too much out of anyone, imo... That's reality in a nutshell, at least how I see things.

Those things can happen, and we've all talked about the levels of stress involved, and even doctors agree that sustained stress will kill you eventually, or you'll have a stroke or heart attack. My own blood pressure has been high enough to concern the doctor, and the affects on my health due to years of sustained stress are huge. The blood pressure/heart issues scared the crap out of me. Who can sustain a job that WILL bring you that low, and literally make you sick, if you're one of the caregivers that are at it around the clock for years on end.. That's reality.

Why isn't the government taking some of those tax dollars my parents paid in all those years, as did I, and all those BILLIONS a year they save thanks to the acceptance of the masses to take this massive responsibility and expense on for nothing. I'm not one of those masses. I feel I deserve payment for my time one way or the other.

It pisses me off to think that my years of hellish working hours around the clock dealing with quite a few very hellish situations involving over flowing adult underwear that we won't talk about, and some of the other, rather distasteful 'duties' you must attend to when caring for the elderly, 365 days a year, and not a dollar in sight ... while the government workers are paying for their long, beautiful cruises and expensive dinners with those saved tax dollars, and their elderly parents reside in luxury because they get paid such a fat salary... I'd like some of that for hours worked, and being forced into a position I didn't want, or even see coming..

For anyone to reach the end of what could be decades of care, only to be looking at the streets...? Hell no. No. There is something really wrong with that to me.

What about if the live-in parent has NO money... can there be income for caregivers through medicare/caid etc?

yes I think so. If I understand correctly, if you train as a CNA, about 6 weeks I think, then you can be paid by Medicaid. You should call and check with your state office.

Hmm... not really able to do that. But thank you for your reply. ;-)

Your mom already has one live in daughter? It's time for you to take your life back. Especially since you neglect your health. Mean old women can live a long time and then it's too late for you. You will have no health or money. If you chose to do that very thing you should have nothing to feel guilty about you have put in your time. If your sister doesn't help you now she won't help you when you need it. It's seriously time to think about your future. Why our parents think we should sacrifice everything we are and have to be their slaves is beyond me. other than the fact that they are just selfish and only care about themselves. Comes a time when we have to stand up and decide how much of this care giving we can take.

Today I feel kinda numb from all that is happening in my life, but I will prevail I am a survivor. Just wanted to comment on standing alone's post. I think it puts succinctly how I feel, think she is right on. "I am being ground to dust by the massive weight..." comment really hit me. I see things for what they are now, not how wished they'd be, nor how I wish I could or not do something. All these concerns are real, you lose your life, your identity, your sanity, can be left on the streets, accused of abuse when your loved one falls and gets bruised. I have made the decision, no clue how it will be paid or done, but I won't have a chance in hell if I don't get my mom in residential care. I am working on this right now. I had to REALLY learn that I am number one, always heard my mother's old voice in my head, "you're selfish". I am no longer playing, I am done, stick a fork in me, it is what it is, I opt for self preservation.

Madeaa... A-freaking-men. Imo, you're damn right. I wanted things to be different with my mom, too... but they weren't. And I don't own my mom's unhappiness. That's on her. I did my best, as long as possible. I don't have another drop of effort to give to her day to day care anymore.

Welcome to the light. It's a nice place to be. There's no guilt when you simply look at reality, the way it really is...

You'll find a way to get your mom the help she needs, and there are people out there who will help you on that road.

Sometimes you've got to grab your life back. And make sure you get a nest egg for yourself somehow, too, out of it, especially if you lost hours at work, or couldn't work anymore at all as a result of caring for an elderly parent.

I swear to God, if I was facing the street, I'd sue my mom's estate for back pay, yes indeed I would...

Hello, I'm new to the group and care giving. I came back to care for my 86 and 88 year old parents with dementia. My father has diabetes, they are both very difficult to deal with for me but with others they're on best behavior. I've lost my job coming to Virginia from out of Texas to care for them. I found and elder care attorney who has suggested that my family don't gift me any monies as not to take away from something to do with medicare. This attorney also charges 350.00 an hour and has multiple connections for everything to do with getting into my families funds. I let her know I thought she was over stepping her bounds. We went there to draft durable power of attorney and medical I'm an only child of 57 and exhausted don't know who to trust! I've been here 3 weeks with little rest anxiety getting depressed as theirs been no time for me. Any advise as to who can be trusted and what to look for. I've had to go back through documents my mother has stored now from 1951 and older! Please if anyone has an opinion I'm open. I know longer have a life of my own! Thanks

Hi Zoolife, I am not a full time caregiver for my mom and may not be the best person to ask but yu could try calling the county senior services. They should be able to get you on track. My Dad finally , called the county services for seniors and got my mom into-or soon to be into- an adult program that is free and comes and picks her up -she is wheel chair bound-and even provides snacks and lunch. It will help you , at least , get some time to think.
If nothing eles maybe they can help with info.
I think you should go with your gut feeling about your lawyer and get a new one. Ask around. It sounds like you did for this one but maybe ask again. And check on- line for his/ her ratings. They often have sites where attorneys are rated.

Do your parents have geriatric doctors. Maybe ask the doctor for advice on where to turn. Our daughter has special needs and the Children's hospital has a whole department set up to help parents receive services and figure out how to transition into adulthood and how to set up trust funds and whatnot. I would just keep calling county services until someone points you in the right direction. And , hopefully , someone on here, can give you some good advice.

Hang in there. You are not alone. Breath nice slow, deep breathes through the nose and out a pouted mouth-I say to my girl -"smell the flower, blow out the candle" do it at least five times. Be sure to get your rest when you can and eat your veggies!! :0)

Blessings to you

And to you too, Madeaa. (((( hugs to you both)))

Oh, and maybe start a new question to get more feedback. Or maybe you already did. I didn't check the home page.

Zoo, get yourself another lawyer. $350 an hour? The woman must sh*t pure gold by now. Nobody is worth that much per hour, except maybe US. And if SHE gets $350 an hour, you should be getting close to that as well for all YOU'RE going to be dealing with around the clock! I'd tell her to piss off if the vibe you're getting from her isn't a good one...and from the sounds of it, it isn't. Find someone else.

You deserve to get paid for your time and effort...care giving, as you're beginning to see is no walk in the park. It's hard, it's exhausting and it will mentally and physically batter you into the ground if you're at it long enough. Get a contract together and get paid...you're WORKING, not on some pleasure cruise. GET PAID ...and get a contract for it from another lawyer. Anyone else would damn sure get paid...you don't see professionals jumping in to help the elderly for free, why should WE? Your 'attorney' sounds like an idiot. Don't allow her anywhere near your families funds, especially if she's trying to prevent YOU from getting any!

Thank you Miskha and Standing Alone, for your input! I just needed validation! I'm feeling guilty about walking away at his point, but that's because my parents set that up from childhood. It's amazing the strong hold some of that old childhood parenting still has on adult children. I'm hoping to rent a car Monday or Tuesday to drive back to Texas. I had some art work that I had given them that I don't what to get broken, don't feel good about shipping, few other items. Thinking maybe the drive will give me time to think about how to put this all behind me for now and what I'm going to do about my life, getting work, and my financial situation. I'm going to the EEOC about my employer. My company is firing many of us long term employees that are older making decent money. I hate to leave on a sour note with my parents hope things will smooth over today, but its' hard to be in the same room with them at this point. Dementia is horrible I can tell when my father starts getting disagreeable that the blow up will flow. I did pretty well for a while but I'm very sensitive to being used and abused. Praying my way through most have supportive friends to call but I don't want o ware them out either. So thank you for listening!