I've posted before about my dad. Here's a brief summary of the situation. We've been assisting him for over three years now. He lived with us for almost ten months while recovering from serious health problems. Now he lives "independently" in a senior residence with a great deal of help from my husband and me.
Last May, we finally managed to remove one of our responsibilities: Dad started doing his own laundry. This came about because I had surgery and we needed a break. Our plan had been for Dad to pay to have his laundry done at the senior residence, but he refused to spend the money and instead started washing everything himself. (At most, it's only one load per week).
Now he's trying to give back the task, and he's using a variety of tactics to make it happen. My feeling is that we have done everything else for him and if he won't pay to have the laundry done, he'll have to continue to do it himself. Is that an unreasonable approach? I told him again today that if doing the laundry is making him tired, he should make use of the laundry service instead, but he came up with more excuses about why that wouldn't be a good idea.
My Dad [95] never did laundry in his life. When in college he use to mail home his laundry for his mother to do, of course back then one didn't had a washing machine and the dryer was the clothes line. After college Dad found work and lived in a boarding house where the house mother did the guy's laundry. Then he got married, and my Mom did 72 years worth of laundry. So, it is your job :P
It could also be he is tying up the machines at Assisted Listing by forgetting he has a load of wash that needs to be dried or he has dried clothes sitting in the dryer. Bet the ladies who live there aren't happy campers.
It's funny, he lives "independently" yet you and I feel so exhausted.... like, what is up with that?
Buy an arm sling and wear it when you go to visit Dad. Back when I broke my shoulder I was out of commission for 6 months yet the doctor didn't want me to wear my sling after the 2nd month.... I told my physical therapist about my parents and how they act when they see the sling, and he laughed, told me I have his permission to keep wearing the sling any time I am around the parents :)
Send it out, get it done in house, do it himself. Not your problem!
It also could be that he's not sure how to pay them. Could it come out of his account or would he have to pay separately. Maybe, his check writing skills are going and he's afraid he won't be able to do it.
Or, who actually comes to get his laundry with the service. Is he having accidents in his underwear and he's embarrassed for them to know about it? Maybe he gave up doing laundry for a reason.
I noticed that my cousin hadn't done laundry in a long time and wondered why. Later, I discovered that she had dementia and she could no longer navigate the instructions on the washing machine.
I'm really irritated by his passive-aggressive approach to the situation. Today he told me how tired he was from doing the laundry and that it always made him tired but that he'd take a nap after lunch. When I brought up the subject of paid laundry service, he said that they didn't return the clothes quickly enough and he would run out of clothes. He brushed off my offer to equip him with more garments. Later on, my husband pointed out to me that we had been giving Dad one-week turnaround when we did his laundry--apparently that wasn't a problem for him at the time.
FreqFlyer, I love the idea of the sling, but I doubt it would help, because Dad brushes aside any mentions of my own health. After my surgery, I mentioned that I was feeling a little "off" because of the side effects. At the end of the conversation, he said, "I'm glad you're doing beautifully."
He is not willing to spend money on it now. Well, any money left when he dies you are probably going to get, right? So use some of it to send your own laundry out when the time comes!
Pick your battles. This one, it seems to me, is not one worth fighting. A pleasant relationship in your remaining time with him would be worth doing a load of laundry a week, to me. (But then, my mother just died last week, so maybe I'm looking at this from a slightly different perspective.)
Jeanne, I'm so sorry for your loss.
Now I am trying to picture my own Dad trying to do his laundry. He would probably take a nap and forget he had clothes in the washer. Then he would find all of his clothes, including under garments sitting in a wet pile on top of the machine because the cycle was over and some one else wanted the machine. Since Dad doesn't pay much attention to this clothes, he might not know that those were his things. It can become complicated as one ages.
Now my Dad is in Memory Care and part of the room/board includes the Staff doing his laundry, bed sheets and towels [they supply the sheets/towels].
People do loose their skills slowly and there does come a time where a basket full of laundry is just too heavy or it makes him feel unbalanced and he has a fear of falling and no longer being able to live independently.
When he grumbles about being tired after doing laundry - agree with him that it is tiring & change the subject. If he comes right out and tells you he wants you to do his laundry - just say "I'm not able to do that" and change the subject.
He is a grown man, intelligent - either he will do his laundry himself or pay for it. His laundry, his problem.
Stop worrying about it. This is probably the first of many boundaries you are going to have to set but once you get the hang of it - it will liberate you.
But if it's just that the novelty has worn off and he can't be bothered and fancies getting someone else to do the work... Fair enough, and he can pay those nice service laundry people who will happily do it for him.
Veronica, I'll take a look at the machines tomorrow. I don't think that new machines have been installed in the last few months, but I will see if there appear to be any physical barriers that would make the task more difficult.
What is especially annoying is that Dad has no problems giving/offering money to my sister and her family, but he is unwilling to spend any money on services that would make it easier to take care of him.
The fact that they hadn't the time or the patience or the energy for whatever task it was was neither here nor there. The fence stayed down, the thermostat in the immersion heater went unrepaired for heaven's sake, for months on end. I used to wish that my mother had the common sense and the backbone simply to call someone in and just not mention it.
I don't suppose you could request laundry services on his behalf and, if he doesn't just go along with it, tell him there must have been a misunderstanding (fingers crossed behind your back)?
IMO, you need at least one free hand in case you lose balance or fall. So, it's rather risky for him to do it himself. And if he refuses to pay the laundry service....to save on the aggravation, I might just pay the laundry service out of my pocket and call it a day. I know, it's not fair, not right, not your place to pay.....all that...but, having him not fall down would be more important to me.
Babalou, I went to Amazon and looked at the Versacart. It looks like a really useful product. I would have loved something like that many years ago when we were walking to and from the Laundromat. It would probably be difficult for Dad to use something like that in conjunction with the walker, but I might print off a picture of it and get his opinion.
I do think that this is primarily a boundary issue. I've drawn a line in the sand, and Dad is busily trying to erase it.
Yes, I am POA, but Dad is fully competent mentally, and he would justifiably be irate if I started making decisions for him and spending his money under the current circumstances.
When we take Dad shopping tomorrow, I'll take a look at the washer/dryer area and see if there are any obvious barriers to the laundry process. I'll also ask him, on his next laundry day (Thursday) if he can think of anything that would make the task easier for him. I don't expect a positive answer to that question. He has repeatedly rejected the idea of using the senior residence's laundry facilities. He has also rejected the idea of having a caregiver for a few hours a week to do the laundry and take him shopping. I think that his laundry plan is to do it all himself and complain about it.
Honestly, I don't think that there is any way to satisfy him short of taking on the task again ourselves. And that wouldn't necessarily stop the complaints. For a long time, every time we delivered the clean laundry, Dad griped about how much effort it was for him to put it all away.
Guess I need to turn a deaf ear to the complaints (much easier said than done) and see what happens.
I found out when I was taking both my parents [in their 90's] grocery shopping that they were only going with me to help me with the groceries. Good grief, if I had known that I would have stopped them coming along with me. Example, I would be in Aisle 26 and they would still be in Aisle 5. It was an all day ordeal which tired me out. I think they were glad when I offered to pick up their grocery list and get the groceries myself :)
I have a sick old mother. When I was a youngster my parents divorced. I cooked, cleaned, did laundry etc etc etc from a young age. I have all I can do to get my OWN laundry done at this point in life.
Sometimes parents remember their offsrping as the energetic children they once were, with mountains of energy.
Also, I have been specifically told by my mother that if she has to pay for this or that, this will be money cut from my inheritance. I don't care!!!!
Seems like sometimes the parent considers this a frivolous expense. Also, as he is older he may just want to spend more time with you. Set your boundaries. Buy more socks, underwear, t-shirts or whatever he needs so he doesn't have to think about having the laundry done as often. Arrange for the pick up and drop off of the laundry - maybe during one of your visits to bring him groceries. You will drop dead trying to fulfill all his wishes. It sounds like you are doing a great job. Maybe you can help him put the clean clothes away when they return from the laundry. Then he will think you are "doing the laundry".
I have had my mother tell me that I was "stingy" for not doing things she wanted me to do that I simply cannot afford.
You can only do so much. At 95 He may be focusing on the "half empty glass". That is too bad, but it sounds like you are doing an awful lot for him.
Honestly, I would love to be able to pay to have someone do all my laundry and housework.
He is probably lonely and doesn't really realize you are stretched as thin as possible.
It sounds like you are doing an amazing amount of things for him. God bless you.
I don't know where he lives, but in my community there are DOZENS of reliable laundry services that pick up and deliver with everything intact.
Good Luck:)