Primary caregiver for dad (86) for 8-1/2 years. What do I do with brother who has “shut down” & does nothing because it’s easier for him?

Question Does your Brother A. expected you the primary caregiver, to pay him for the hours he helps you taking care of taking care of your Father on the weekend?

I've been in the situation of being the local "kid" when my parents were ill and dying. It was a very difficult 10 years plus! It's a very difficult situation, even when the siblings want to help. It's horrible to hear that you yourself are sick. Maybe sending the "brother who does nothing" invoices for the out-of-pocket costs for dad's care & needs would give him not only a better sense of what his lack of attention actually costs but also give him something significant he can contribute. Additionally, you must have your own plan for when you can no longer handle all this responsibility and communicate it clearly to your siblings. What happens when you can't do it all? I found it was easy for my siblings to not truly understand what I was doing and giving up personally, both physically and financially, because I was handling almost everything in a way that looked almost seamless. I was also the only sibling active in the family business and the economy was awful at the time. My parents needed the revenue from that business and, my not being 100% available to manage the business negatively impacted the business itself....which also negatively effected my own finances and added enormously to the stress. It's hard not to resent it all, but I was clear I wanted to do whatever I could to make things go smoothly for my parents. If I had it to do all over again, I would have made it clearer who was doing what, how each one of us could contribute, and I wouldn't have taken on as much as I did from the beginning. No matter how much we want to be, we are not super human...and shouldn't have to be. Have your brother at least pay for stuff that will take some burden off of you! Stay strong and take care of yourself!!!

I wonder if the uninvolved siblings DO regret their lack of involvement once the parents have passed on. I bet most don't really care. Someone ELSE took care of things; that's all the uninvolved sibling(s) cared about.

I resented that I was the local sibling with boots on the ground. It was made worse because my mother told me my time wasn't worth anything. I didn't just "put up, shut up, offer it up," but rather ended up getting paid $20/hour for my time. My mother never knew about it -- when I mentioned compensation to her, she snapped at me that, "You don't pay family!" But when she was beyond the point of handling money, my POA brother agreed that I could be paid. And I ended up getting back pay, too.

That is what made me feel much better about being the only one who did anything.

It is unfortunate that situation is common.

The best way for me to handle it is to understand that not everyone has the gift of caregiver ability . It is truly a gift to be able to give care and do it purposefully.
While it’s unfair and you get tired of unequal responsibility, know that you can’t change brother B and one day he’ll look back and regret time lost with his dad. I pray he sees the light so that one day he doesn’t have to live with regret.

Just keep partnering with brother A and enjoy the journey. It helps if you don’t expect much.

"...thought additional family help would be forthcoming." If wishes were horses... how many of us had similar thoughts with similar results! This is one of the saddest songs on this forum, and it is played regularly. Unfortunately we can't force anyone to do something they aren't willing to do. It breeds anger and resentment from us, but keep in mind that the anger and resentment are only going to affect you, not those who shut down and refuse to help. The best gift you can give yourself is to understand the situation isn't going to change and put him out of your thoughts.

"Is it right for two children to do everything, while one (“B”) does nothing?" Nope. Is it reality? Only too often. In your case, I would be overly grateful that your other brother does provide some help AND let him know how much you appreciate what he does! Often the person being cared for doesn't offer thanks, but YOU can and it would probably make your helpful brother pleased to have some recognition too!

I also have 2 brothers - each participated some on the decision for placement (MC), the move and some help getting condo ready for sale, but MOST of the work fell (and still falls) on me. That included researching the condition (dementia), finding places to look at, taking her to appts, getting the finances set up if/when she needed a facility, organizing aides to try to keep her in her place longer, taking over finances, arranging appts, taking her to appts, grocery shopping (after arranging for YB to take the car) and/or preparing meals for her (no way to Meals on Wheels - she refused to even try it!), almost a year and 3/4s spent by ME getting condo cleared out, cleaned up and repairs done, interface with RE and EC atty. After the move to MC and sale of the condo, you would think I am an only child. OB isn't local and I don't even talk to him anymore (another long sad story.) YB's attitude when I asked him to take over one medical transport (4x/yr for macular deg) now that she won't stand/walk without help and telling him it's all too much is 'they (facility) take care of everything.' No, they don't. Visiting, dropping off supplies, juggling finances, making payments, keeping records, getting taxes done, managing med delivery, getting OTC supplies (vitamins, pain meds, briefs, etc), responding to calls from facility, getting her other appts/testing done... it goes on... So, I understand how much is involved. Thankfully she can afford the place, as I couldn't take care of her and all that is needed too (cleaning, bathing, laundry, etc!)

It would be best to seek out assistance elsewhere. Hopefully when you say you are paying his bills you are facilitating that with HIS income, not yours! If his income is low enough, he could qualify for assistance via Medicaid. I would expend the energy on seeking help, not using it to try to cajole your brother into helping or being angry at him or making excuses for him. I know from experience it doesn't work and it only affects you, not him!

Could you perhaps hire (with his funds) someone to take over the more difficult chores, such as cleaning and laundry? Groceries can often be ordered online and delivered (there is a charge, but often will be worth it!)

If he has funds and/or owns his own home, I would also start looking at local ALs (and possibly NHs) for the future. As he needs more help, it may be best to move him and then use your energy on advocating for and visiting him. If he doesn't have funds and doesn't own his own home, but qualifies with low income, check out what Medicaid NHs are available and look into applying for that to help him and you.

If dad is sad or confused about this brother not calling or visiting, you don't need to make excuses for him. You can just say you don't know why he doesn't, which is the truth, sort of... You know the excuses he or his wife are giving, but not the underlying truth.

What you’re dealing with is quite common. I’ve seen people in nursing homes who have seven to ten children but none of them visit, ever. If they do have a family member who does laundry or visit it’s usually just the one that does anything.

Some children make a quick stop around Christmas sporting their nice Florida tans. (Usually before Christmas so they can spend the actual holiday doing their own thing).

There’s always that “one”. You happen to be it. I, too, am “the one” and have a first row view from my mom’s nursing home. That’s how we are wired.

Both of my parents are in their 90's, Both are in decent health but have had a few setbacks to illnesses over the past few years.. I do their grocery shopping every two weeks, I use the Walmart pick up option, they get involved with making out their list and I take it home and do it all online, when the day comes I swing by Walmart and it's all set.

As far as meals go I get my Moms meals delivered by Momsmeals. com. they have a great selection of any type meals you need, because the meals are pretty big my mom can get 2 days out of each meal)( she is on a pureed diet)
I sometimes make my dads meals at my house for 2 weeks and freeze them and all he has to do is heat up in microwave..

If I really don't have the time I just pick him up the frozen dinners that are low in sodium,

I have a brother who fixes things around the house as needed but I do the brunt of work such as food, meals , setting up transportation to Doctors apointments etc..

You have to be the one to set the rules as far as how you are going to do this... If you dad still likes to go out you might have a little more time to take him to lunch or dinner, by saving the time going shopping..

Oh, my goodness - You're ill with MS and still trying to carry on with the caregiving? This dynamic must change. Check into facility living for him.

I have the same issues I have two brothers I am the middle and I am the only girl my younger brother and I take turns taking care of my dad are keeping him company my older brother just stops by whenever he feels like it will not commit to anything so I am there every night except Saturday night and my younger brother stop by during the day the other one comes by on the weekend for 20 minutes or so trims a couple hedges and leaves. I have a husband that suffering from Alzheimer’s so I definitely feel your pain I have learned to just except that it is what it is I do what I want for my dad because I love him and I care about him.

My older brother the one that does very little uses the excuse that he’s married. Like me and my other brother aren’t and we don’t have families of our own. I just don’t dwell on it anymore. I just do what I have to do for my dad Who has an is always there for me.

Totally agree with PattiDk4, reach out to others for help. I have 3 siblings who all live locally, one who does not work and none will help me with my mom. I hired caregivers through a home health agency and found the caregivers are very attentive to mom, and she likes having them there. Every once in a great while a sibling offers to sit with mom, and mom now refuses to be left alone with them because she doesn't feel safe with them. They ignore her and play on their phones. You might want to check with your ADRC to see if they have grant programs for respite care. I found a grant program through the county that pays for a certain number of hours of respite care per month.

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do in regard to siblings not helping. My situation is similar and it is puzzling why someone refuses to help. In my opinion, everyone deals with difficult situations differently. Some instinctlly do whatever is required and others do not. What I have learned to do, is to stop trying to get others to do the right thing! I know you are probably stressed out and emotionally about to fall apart. Can your dad financially afford to pay someone to assist with his needs? Do you have friends who could help? Even if it is for one or two days per week. You do need to take care of yourself and your family. Don’t be hesitate to ask others to help if your siblings will not. Caregivers burn out and we put a lot of pressure on ourselves. Guilt, anger, frustration, sadness, heartaches, disappointments come and go! Remember happiness, fun, peace, calmness, gentleness and laughter is a requirement to your needs! Seek support! You deserve it!

Hi! My take may be unpopular but....
you will never change someone who does not want to change. Your brother is obviously not as resilient, strong or as capable as you. Adults make crappy choices and decisions. Trying to get them to think differently only wastes our precious mental energy and raises our stress levels. You have an illness that needs attention and care. At least they are honest about their lack of support. So now you can make decisions with that information.
The question is now what? You get to choose.
Do you want to still care for your parent? You don’t have to, like your brother, but I am guessing you do. What can you give and what can’t you give to maintain your health. No one else will ask this question to you. I am. What do you need to do to be well and then what can you give. The rest will have to be organized and figured out with creative planning. You cannot wear your self down with your illness. What will they all do if you are sick.
Get groceries delivered, medicine on auto refill and find a delivery service, hire a caregiver for two hours twice a week or a cleaning lady. Look for volunteers to help with doctors appointments.

Whatever you do you must consider yourself first, if you don’t, you will leave no one to care for your parent.

from one caregiver to another HUGS!

Seems like there's always the one that chooses to be unavailable.
In my case, I've decided for my own mental and emotional health to detach from those who cannot be at, the very least, emotionally supportive.
They don't call Mother just to say hello. They don't call me to see how I'm getting along. The only time I talk to them is if I call. Well, I don't anymore. I'm not rude or anything like that. I just figure if they're not going to put forth any effort, I'm not going to expend all my energy being hurt or angry anymore. I'm not saying I'm not hurt and angry, but I'm not consumed. I know where we stand and that's fine.

You're wasting energy trying to get a brother involved that has opted for another path in dealing with a parent's failing health. Is it fair? No, not to the people doing the work, but you cannot change it. There are caregivers and then there are the others. Majority of families are in the same situation you're in. Not everyone is made of the same stuff. Just like kids, you have that one that is the peacemaker, one that is out there doing everything for everyone, and one who is more aloof. If you look back, your brother probably hasn't changed much over the years, you just expect something out of him now that he is not.

Instead of creating a big divide, just do what you do because you have that caregiving ability within you. Ask brother to do what's within his level of family relationship ability - call dad even for a 5 minute phone call. If he won't even do that much, them just tell dad 'I don't know' if he asks about him or wonders where he is.

TTell your brother off and get an attorney

I'm sorry . I have a baby sister who will tell you thank God for my sister(me) cause she can't deal with it. My daddy has Alzheimer's and I took care for him for 3 yrs before I had to put him In a home. She doesn't call and check on him I do and report back to her. I was told growing up that I was the oldest so I'm to do every thing it makes me mad but all I can say is that when he dies I will not have any regrets I did what I could do.

I am one of 5 children (4 girls, 1 boy....(the closest to GOD in mom and dad's eyes). Dad has dementia (90yrs) and mom (87yrs) recently had heart valve replaced, several UTI's and is delusional, calling me in the middle of the night etc. My oldest sibling lives within 4 miles of my parents, she is retired, divorced and her children live out of state. This sibling (A) is POA after other sibling (C) blatantly stole money from our parents. Sibling B is disabled. Sibling C stops in to check on parents twice daily but it is in her best interest to keep SS from investigating $. The Chosen Sibling, ONLY male and baby of the family doesn't return calls, hardly stops in meanwhile he lives closest. I recently to mom to dr and nurse came out of room saying to me "Well, I know you have a Favorite Brother" My Mom has ALWAYS thought the sun rose and set in my brother's ass. Mom even said to me "well, you are my second favorite!" It is soooo frustrating but I know in the end, I will have NO REGRETS. I can lay my head at night knowing I did for my parents as I would like have done unto me. I don't need anymore that my personal peace. I feel Karma will come around to get those.

Another perspective here. My spouse and I took care of my parents in one way or another all of our married life (56 years), After Dad's passing things got worse. Mom and Dad had not prepared for their retirement and financial situation ever.
My siblings all moved away early in my married life leaving most of the daily responsibilities of my parents to my spouse and myself. In the last few years, other siblings decided to move mother to one of my siblings home. As some of mothers health got worse, my sibling and spouse would not leave her alone at any time out fear for her well-being. Then my sibling became ill and my other siblings decided that mother should be moved back into one of the siblings homes. This situation proved impossible for all siblings as we are all above seventy and just could not handle being a 24/7 caregiver for an extended time to someone with mutiple medical problems that could not be left alone. As mother's residency had changed to another state, myself and one other sibling, could not bring mother back to a facility in our areas due to Medicaid rules. The siblings who live in the same state as mother, decided to put mother in a nursing facility but needed extra money to cover mother's expenses they deemed necessary. My spouse and I have withdrawn several thousand dollars from our IRA Retirement accounts to help with expenses in the last few months. We are not wealthy people and we can not continue drawing our IRAs down without taking more financial risks to our fixed income. We sincerely want to do what is right but to do that have more input into the care of mother. This is hard and weighs on my mind everyday. Just remember that there are many circumstances involved in who cares for an elderly disabled parent.

I have 2 brothers and my Mom deserved more than she got from them. But she never complained. The "Golden Child" lived 7 hrs away. Maybe a visit once a year. Hardly any phone calls.

Stop making excuses for ur brother. Stop trying to "smooth it over". If Dad is complaining, say "sorry Dad nothing I or u can do about it. Instead of ranting to me you should be ranting at him. Here's the phone".

You and brother A may want to start talking about placing Dad. He is going to be more care as time goes on. And its going to be harder for you to deal with it.

For seven years I was for all intents and purposes the sole helper for my parents. They were in their 80s to 90s in this period. I have two other siblings. One would visit every three years. To be fair, this sibling lived at a distance and suffered three heart attacks. One of the visits came at a crucial time and the two week effort was extremely helpful. The other sibling never lifted a finger. No phone calls, no get-well cards, certainly no personal visits to home, hospital, rehab, nursing home, or funeral. This sibling was living in a cult and could not possibly take any actions that showed any love or care for their parents. It was hard for mom and dad, and it was hard for me to witness this. Am I angry? Of course, Am I disappointed in the AWOL sibling? Sure. Could I change anything of the situation? No. My advice to you is to let go of the anger and frustration but pay attention to how you are feeling, because you may be getting burnt out. If you feel that absent sib should be helping, it means that your parents, therefore you, need more assistance. That assistance will have to come from elsewhere. It's time to have one or two caregivers that you can rely on to augment in the care of your dad or for your dad to move to assisted living. My parents couldn't afford assisted living. So if that is the situation for you, I understand. I was able to get mom and dad tapped into a couple programs that provided home health care. Two of the caregivers were absolutely fantastic. I also found an excellent home health company that with some effort provided a caregiver who was an excellent match for mom and dad. She was an angel to them. These workers were like the siblings that I didn't have and made my job so much more bearable as well as helping me feel less alone in the enormous task of providing the physical and emotional support that my two aging parents so needed. There is a cumulative effect of years of caregiving combined with our own aging and health issues that can wear a person down. Don't be afraid to ask for help. You can let the uninterested sibling know that your dad is paying for supplemental care; who knows? maybe he'll care about that. In the meantime, you will be able to take better care of your dad and yourself. Hope this helps.

Sorry for what you are experiencing but I don't think you'll ever really understand. It's not right but nothing is going to change. Your one brother is simply selfish. Thankfully, your other brother is willing to help.

I care for my father by myself. My one brother lives a thousand miles away and that's all the excuse he needs! He hasn't even bothered to come out for a visit in 2 1/2 years although he and his wife have lots of time to take fun vacations and spend lots of time with her family members. They did offer to come out last year but it was to be a fun trip for them, with them staying downtown to do touristy things and just meeting up with dad and I for dinner a time or two. I told them to just forget it if they weren't willing to help give me a break from dad for a few days!

It's strange, but normal, for children raised by the same parents to end up turning into such different people and it seems like there is always at least one that is totally selfish. My brother is always telling me that he feels bad that he hasn't helped but not so bad that he is willing to do anything to ease my burden.

Unfortunately, you cannot force your brother to participate / contribute to your dads care.   I have tried to get my brother to help and he refused.  I am sure this is not the first time you have seen this side of your brother.  Taking care of another human being is exhausting...mentally, physically and financially.  Sounds like you have health issues of your own that need to be your top priority.  I don't know what your dads issues are, but have you looked into placing him in assisted living?  A place that has the dr. and podiatrist and barber in the facility is fantastic and would cut down on your running around and less stress on your dad too.  All of the energy that youre expending being angry at your brother is a waste of time and not healthy.  Use it for good...make some good decisions for your dad.  You can visit him as often as you like and still handle some of his daily tasks like his laundry for instance, but everything else is taken care of ...the cooking, the dr. visits, the meds, etc.  There will be a lot of work on the front end, like selling his home  and downsizing his things so that he can fit into a small manageable AL apartment.  But trust me when I say it will be a good thing.  He will also be able to socialize with folks in his same stage of life and not just with his stressed out son and daughter. 

If you have not toured some of the newer assisted living facilities, you are going to be pleasantly surprised.  Let the a$$hole brother go and start making good decisions for you and dad.

My precious mom was in home hospice after a year and a half of one struggle following another, including hospitalizations and falls and let’s just say that true colors rise to the surface when there is need.
Her temperament was always happy and above all she loved to talk and visit.
Our family was told it could be any minute by hospice and two brothers and their wives came by after work for a couple of hours and then the next day “crickets”...no phone calls...nothing. I slept in the room by her side. Our mom passed the following morning and one brother and wife came immediately. The other “Couldn’t handle it.”.

I will forever be grateful for my time with my mom but saddened to remember that, other than a sis-in-law that came two or three times for a few hours, in four months of my mom being completely helpless there was absolutely no family help at all.
We just have to forgive and understand that others can truly care only about themselves and they are fine with it. It would eat me up if I had failed her but then hearts are different.

Yup. Does this ever sound familiar. My poor father did everything and anything for his Mother, drove her to all appointments, went shopping for her, fixed stuff, took care of the house/yard etc...and his brother sat by with "oh I'm so busy I don't even have time for me." what happened...she died, his brother got all the money in her will..his name wasn't even on it. She took it off, once she moved in with her other son...sick. and sad. after all that, he died a horrible death, and his brother is still alive. KARMA...that is all I have to say.

You cannot make a sibling help, but as long as dad is competent, I would suggest a frank discussion with him, that Brother B is overwhelmed and that you and Brother A be compensated for your work.

So many of us have discovered the absentee sibling syndrome. It is not likely to do any good to hold out hope and burn energy of which is a diminishing resource for all the good daughters (and some sons) do. Accepting the reality is hard. Took me a long while and that's with a sibling out of state (only one). And still there are many moments when I am angry, frustrated, tired..so tired of being the "it" girl, the wifey. And YOU have MS.
The others will have to live with themselves, and probably have no problem doing so should you be sick and /or dad no longer be around
Two things stand out, as far as the essentials: one is to check with your local office on aging--for yourself as well, because some will provide services at age 60 which you are approaching, and there may be some of benefit to you. They may know of services to do the pills and they may price match. Consider meals on wheels for dad, or some sort of delivered meal service if affordable. Mom's Meals comes to mind, but there are more. There are, at least in our area many groceries that are delivering and the cost is minimal. Used it myself for the first time a few weeks back when not feeling well, and got an emailed coupon...it saved me so much effort and energy, I was very grateful for it.
Save yourself first as the others are not likely to.
sending hugs...

On top of being the main caretaker you also feel that it is your responsibility to be the peace keeper and all around family fixer? You are not that powerful.

Honestly after 8 1/2 years it can run thin, not everyone wants to be a caretaker in their senior years, they have earned a life too.

Perhaps it is time for you to consider restructuring your life too, place your father in AL where he will get 24/7 care, make new friends and that will free you and your other sibling up. Your father is not longer living independently, as the two of you are doing everything for him.

Let your dad and your brother figure it out, it is their relationship, not yours.

Your father could live another 5 years or so, my mother is 94, I am 72, she has been recently placed in AL and she loves it! I have done my duty, she is safe, well fed and has medical help at her fingertips, she just pushes a button, and the nurse appears. I live my senior life, just as she did, it is the right of passage.

I wish you the very best.

Things are never "even"
Don't try to smooth things over with your brother and your dad. If dad asks why he is not there just say "I guess you can ask him yourself". Or say "honestly I don't know why he is not here more often". Do not make excuses, do not apologize, do not blame.
Start to hire help. Use dad's income and have someone come in 1 day a week for the whole day so you can leave and have some "me" time. Then increase it to 2 days a week.
If dad is a Veteran you might want to check to see if he can get help through the VA. You would be surprised at the services that you can get.
Don't bother trying to change brother B because it will never happen. Just try to change your emotional response to him.

Hiya ...can relate to your situation so much

I care for a girlfriend who firstly came to live with me. ...after moving close to me with intention of buying own place

She has never married 64 yrs old.
Always lived with mum before death. Then her sister. Who up andmoved 400 klms away
During process of buying her own place. Had meltdown big time
...hospital 7 weeks. Came out with a diagnosis of early dementia

My life has changed so much. I do everything
Cook. Clean drive drs etc etc. She isn't bad but i feel lazy more than anything...i got her into routine. She can shower herself dress etc but will sit back and let me do it which at first i didn't mind

But after watching her on her pc all day. And mobile. She is mostly capable

But sadly she is a handful and can be very defiant and cunning (which was never her nature )
It cost her nothing to live with me. While her unit sits empty

Like the past weekend told her i needed help in garden. So she didnt get out of bed till 6pm

She sometimes wetsthe bed too which i clean up. Refuses to wear protection

Im sure there is more a psych problem there but if she wants something she gets it. If she thinks she can be pampered again sheloves it

My issue is her family say shes always been like this
And think im wonder woman (stents recently inserted in my aorta 18months ago) get very exhausted all the time

She has troubles making decisions and can be very slow should we need to get to drs etc

This is all overthe shop sorry

I guess im saying her brother and sister give me orders

Yet they hardly ever ring. Come to see her

To sum it up nicely its like looking after. 5. 3 yr old kids

I think 2 years is enough but she has this fear of being alone

I give her little chores to do only to find they don't get done. Ans:i forgot or i didn'tfeel like doing it

But she has this diagnosis of early stage dementia after being seen by geriatian for 3 days in hosp

Gp thinks depression and lazy by nature and taking advantage
And tells me to walk away and let her do things herself. but i cant since we have been friends over 55yrs

Her family sent hugh parcels here at xmas for her. Im must be very selfish because i was half expecting a card at least.

No

My friends all tell me im a fool. Her family knows she is safe here and looked after but never seen them. Get the odd call

In the meantime it can be a continual battle to get her out of bed
Always loved her bed even 15 yrs ago
Getting organised
Being able to plan things

Have a life again


Love her to death but dont like how im expected to do all

Whinge over

Im 64. She is 65.

My kids visit her often but just know her as they did when babies

Not sure what to do
Sister hates drs. And refuses to believe any of them
Phew. Get a cup of tea now. Soz. Cheers


So many of my friends who know her and have seen me say. She is pulling your chain and that ive aged 10 years and a fool ????


What would you guys suggest
Pls dont say talk to sister
In her eyes she is fine but said to nieve an inconvience to have visit her

Aghhhhhh

I have been dealing with the exact same thing. I am curious to see how others respond to this. I am at a complete loss. I recently invited my brother and his family over for family dinner, to try and break the ice since they hadn’t even seen mom since Thanksgiving. And I was accused of keeping phone messages from her that they had supposedly left. No messages were ever received except for one on Christmas and one on New Years Eve. I have to just keep reminding myself that not everyone has the same heart. And it is on them and not me. I can only be responsible for my own actions. What they choose to do or not do is on them. But it is still very sad.