My brother and his wife, first didn't speak with my sister for 20 years (she has since passed), they also have a list of other family members that they avoid. I should have known eventually I would be on the list, although we were always close up until his wife decided that that she didn't like me because I didn't hear her say something and walked away, and I was looking at my phone. She said she felt 'disrespected'. This is also how the others got vetoed out of their lives, She decides and my brother agrees. At first, I tried everything to talk it out, apologized profusely, bent over backwards to mend any hurt I caused as I wanted family peace and I cared for her. However, I'm done now, his last request was that only he see my Mom on her birthday and for me not to come. He's very controlling. I didn't argue, and just kept the focus on my Mom since she misses him so terribly. He even asked me to tell him anytime I saw my Mom, which is so strange since he hasn't shown up in 4 years, in spite of me inviting him and planning events. Even when he asked me to let him know when I saw her, I let him know that I just made plans to see her and asked him to come for her birthday (last year) for which he declined.
To my main point, my mother asked me to plan her funeral, and I'm also paying for it because mom doesn't have any means. I always thought my brother and I would handle things together, but I'm so done being hurt by him. She had also asked my brother, but he's pretty checked out and hasn't done anything. So, I took it upon myself and made the plans and asked her again and again if she was positive that this is what she wanted, she emphatically said yes, and also provided me with a notarized letter and a notarized health directive indicating these are her wishes. She's of sound mind and not in a facility.
Believing that this would always be a decision between the both of us, I still feel sad. I haven't planned the memorial service, since it will be so incredibly small and thought that would be a way for him to participate. I am trying my best to do the right thing and honor my Mom's wishes, and also don't want to do anything to harm the relationship further with my brother. I went and saw her for Mother's Day and didn't tell him because I knew he wouldn't be there or show up - he's about to go on a solo trip to Europe. Both of us live away from my Mom. I hope I did the right thing in preplanning without him. Anytime I've brought up money or anything, his answer is usually no, or skepticism. I decided it was just easier if I paid for everything myself, even though it is expensive. Trying to do the right thing, but one cannot control another person. Would love the thoughts here. Thank you.
I am so glad, belas, that you have come to terms with how to deal with your brother. If Mom is still with you, just know when she passes, you can just walk away from brother. Your not obligated to him in anyway.