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I think honesty is the best policy as well. Just tell her that you are having Easter with your step daughter. Then suggest places she could go so that she won't be alone. Encourage her to make friends with other people who are alone. Churches, senior centers, knitting groups, library book clubs, etc. Encourage her to go with your sister.
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I think this is the ideal time to level with her. Tell her, Mother, you are not being nice to me right now but this doesn't really surprise me. You have never really been a good mother to me, but I was not in the position to express that thought while I was growing up. Fate brought together two individuals in this life who were not compatible, lets hope we both have better luck in our next lives.
Now, can I get you some water or a pillow before I leave?
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The best approach is honesty. What is she going to do if you tell her you have made plans with your step-daughter? I think she should have been told 2 weeks ago that you had plans.
Each of us is entitled to have our own plans for holidays.
Pro-active Communication can be practiced. All of us here would be happy to role play with you so you can get comfortable learning to be assertive.
Just face your fears and you might bluff her. So far, she thinks you don't have the courage to stand up to her. Right?
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Hi Debralee,
Ugh- I hate lying too! Only you know if it is worth it but be careful- if you are like me and are no good at it you may bust yourself later! Lies have a way of returning. Just make sure you remember that you said you were working on Easter so when your Mom says something about it months from now (which, again, if you are like me , that will happen) you can remember what you said. OR you could just tell her the truth. It may make things unpleasant for you but it may also help her realize she needs to change. Just a suggestion- I don't mean to imply that I know better than you about what to do.
My husband and I had to tell my in-laws that we are not coming up to there house for Easter as my daughter is having a very difficult time as of late. (in case you missed it- she has special needs- I feel like when I mention this in a post some readers are going '"we know , we know!- because I mention it a lot-sorry). This is not an easy decision as I have been very involved in my Mom's care and have not seen my in laws for awhile BUT- my in- laws are younger than my parents and in good health. It is just the squeaky wheel right now. AND- quite frankly, their house is very hard for my girl. My MIL is very picky about her things and freaks if anyone touches something and that is hard on my daughter. My Mom's house is pretty relaxed- well- my dad can yell but I just tell him to stop and he apologizes. If I would tell my MIL to stop she would probably kick me in the arse. And then not speak to me for months and then say she cried her eyes out when I 'yelled'
at her. *sigh. Maybe I should lie.
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Debralee, sometimes lying can't be helped. Don't feel bad about it. You are entitled to spend Easter where and how you want. Your mom has options, it's not like she's sitting home alone.
My daughter and I used to take mini vacations because we worked in the same office and couldn't be gone too long. Mom was so jealous of these trips that she would come up "sick" or something would "happen" to make us cancel our trips. I finally had enough and quit telling her we were leaving. My son was her DPOA so he'd be on call for emergencies. If mom called to chat, I just took the call and acted like I was in town although I was on Pike's Peak or Mt Rushmore or downtown Boston. She never knew the difference, we had a great trip and all was well. Feeling guilty never occurred to me. Resenting her jealous and control...now that's a different story.
Have a wonderful Easter!
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Two more days until Easter Sunday and I have to do something I have not done since I was a teenager, lie to my mother and tell her I am working that day. Last year I spent it with her. This year I want to spend it with my stepdaughter and family. Including her would be 3 hours of travel time for a 2-3 hour visit and no offer of gas money. She left a message on my answering machine to give her a call. I am dreading calling her back I hate lying. It is against everything I believe in. I realize she is lonely, but refuses to even consider going over to my sister's place. My sister would love to have her over for Easter. She wouldn't mind going with my son and his wife over to her family's place, but she has caused some conflict with my daughter-in-law and she has distant herself from my mother somewhat. I don't want to tell her the truth because it will only make her feel rejected and I hate to hurt someone's feelings. My mother is the type that wants to associate with only certain members of the family. I am dreading Mother's day, last year was a disaster celebrating it with her.
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Debralee, NEVER AGAIN minimize what your mother has done and is still doing to you! I find myself still doing it and I have to stop myself over and over again. I was about to come in here and do it myself. Honest to God, I have to thank my psychologists for telling me the truth, I knew that my mother was hurting me, never knew she was abusing me. Did you know that children who are abused by their mothers or molested repeatedly by a close family member are most likely to be raped later on? Did you know that they are also more likely to suffer PTSD? Did you know that there are actual physical changes in the brains of children who are abused? Did you know that what your mothers are doing to you right now can cause PTSD? Look into it.
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I also in real life refer to my mother by her first name only. I know what the word mother means and it doesn't apply her. It didn't while I was growing up and it doesn't now that she is gone.
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Surprise....thanks for finding the authors names for the book! I could have gone on line, but I am totally overwhelmed with getting financial receipts and statements to our benefits person at the law firm, so that hopefully we can get my Dad qualified for Medicaid before the month is over!! So I was quickly looking at emails and wanted to advise, but am up to my neck in paper today!
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I absolutely agree with Joannes. Setting boundaries is the key. I don't deal with her but once a month now, and I CHOOSE to take this on.

If you don't want to take on your mother's long term care, and you have LOTS of reasons why not, you can RESIGN as POA. When lawyers draw up POAs, they have a clause in there naming another to be POA if the first dies or resigns. My husband was not allowed to be my mother's POA by his work, so he resigned (my mother is a feminist, yet she does not trust women bankers). Our atty filed that with the court, just like the initial POA, and that specifies that I am now the successor POA.

A *priest* friend of ours who went through childhood abuse by his mother, and who was not left a dime even though he took care of her in her infirmary with no help from sibs, told us if we were not in the will, to let the old coot get a public guardian. If we wanted money we knew was in the will, to stick it out. But, he said, it is probably not worth the money. (I did go against his advice, but w/e).

When you resign and your siblings accuse you of X,Y & Z, thank them for their concern. It was not just your mother who ignored your abuse, they ignored your abuse too. If you are not waiting for the money, why bother putting up with this abuse from the woman who should have treasured her little girl above everything else?

BOUNDARIES by Townsend & Cloud.
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Look for a book: "Boundaries" written by 2 doctors, I believe. I do not have it with me, or I would give you the authors names, but 2 men. It's Christian based, with some scriptural references, but not overloaded. It will help with all situations where you feel like you HAVE to meet the needs of others over your own. It's been immensely helpful to me, dealing with a mom with similar personality issues. Helps you learn that you can only do so much and are only responsible for doing so much...and basically it comes to keeping your parent SAFE going into the end of their lifetime, much as you would keep a 6 yr old safe. The old tapes from childhood need to be 'turned off' as the roles are reversed and we are NOT responsible for the daily happiness of our parents just because we are their child! WE do not have to ruin our own lives and put them 'on hold' just because our parents have demands....even if we have the POA and/or handle their trust and all their finances etc. We didn't give in to the demands of our children....we kept them safe and cared for. THAT's the role reversal we are in now. My parents were both VERY controlling and I had MANY tapes in my head about not challenging my parents, and always doing what they wanted done, the way they wanted and when they wanted it...etc...and this book helped me immensley. There are even a couple geared towards setting boundaries with aging parents and setting boundaries when dealing with dementia. I bought them all...but the one just called BOUNDARIES was what helped me the most. I found it on AMAZON.
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Debralee, As soon as I escaped from home and mother control, I started therapy. I was intense for a few years also, and my therapist immediately had me cut ties - she said I would be dead in a couple of months if I kept on with her. I stayed away for a couple of years, allowed her back into my life on a limited basis, and set boundaries for the first time. (Townsend & Cloud, Boundaries)

When I set a firm boundary, she chose to remove herself from me rather than comply. It was reasonable - no loaded handguns lying on top of a purse unattended with little kids running around in MY house. She stayed away from me for 8 years, until Adult Protective Services called for me to rescue her.

Listening to Dr. Laura has been my aftercare (website pod casts are maybe $7 a month), and reading the posts here like these. When people say stupid things, you have to let them go, and let the guilt slide off too. These ladies have had the best advice I have heard since I had to start dealing with my mother in July.

PamelaSue, in real life, I also only refer to my mother by her real name. I never call her "my mother" or anything like that. She tore up her mother card a long time ago, and my grandmother was my real Mommy.
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Hi Debralee, I don't know if therapy would be a good choice for you, again, PamelaSue makes some good points. I know after I started mine - first time-( this was after a nervous breakdown due to my mental illness -OCD /panic attack disorder) and the diagnosis of my daughter's syndrome( it brought forth the necessity to heal my own mental illness-before my daughter's needs I was able to cope with other, less conventional methods- or just ignore my needs) I did fall apart and someone-I think my husband's boss of all people-said -when you want to rebuild something stronger sometimes you have to tear it down first----that resonated with my husband ( who was dealing with me) -and helped him help me.

I don't want to come off like I know what is best for you for I surely don't!!! I am just throwing out my own experiences seeing if anything helps. Goodness knows, just tonight, I flipped out and fell on my knees in desperation because I couldn't find the darn tinfoil. Soooo- yeah- I am no therapy expert nor done with my , er , own renovation.

Wishing you and all those who have been hurt by the very people that should have loved them peace. ((((hugs))))
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As more comments get posted to my original question, the more I realise far more people have had it far worse than I have endured. PamelaSue my heart goes out to you. I have never encountered any one who has had to endure more then what you went through. Sometimes I wonder if there is such a thing as loving elderly parents who have earned the honor of being cared for by their adult children. If there is, I envy those who have a wonderful relationship with their elderly parents. What makes me even more sadder is that my children were never able to experience the normal joys of a grandparent/grandchild relationship with my parents.
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Debralee, I'm so happy you didn't let the judging and rudeness of others keep you from sharing here. It just chaps my hide when people feel they have the right to judge others. When I see posts that say everybody should feel honored to take care of your mother and you owe her because she raised you, I just want to scream. Not everyone had or has a mother who even remotely deserves that honor. When you are abused, you don't even feel like being with your mom much less take care of her. Because if any of your mothers were like mine, the verbal abuse NEVER stops!
Things are different for me in that my mom died two years. I don't miss her. My kids don't miss her. We had gotten to the point where we didn't invite her to any family functions because she was so hateful to me with never ending criticism and that made my kids furious. She had nobody to blame but herself. The only thing I miss is that I didn't have a loving mother. I can't change how my mother was but it made me work hard to never treat my kids as I had been treated. So as much as mom disliked me, and wanted me to dislike myself, it backfired on her. She couldn't stand that I have beautiful relationships with my son and daughter and they think I'm loving, good mama. My mom was the one who lost out and she only had herself to blame.
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Debralee, deciding to go back for therapy was a difficult decision for me for many reasons. I did know what I was in for, I did know that opening up would be incredibly painful and life would be awful for for quite a while. I was dealing with multiple rapes, child molest, and what N. had done to me. But you know what? I was tired of having a breakdown every 6 to 10 years. During those PTSD relapses I would drink hard, cut myself, and usually at some point attempt suicide. It's just not a way to live. I had already been dealing with a relapse on my own for over two years since my daughter's rape and it was getting too hard to do. My children were almost all grown up, old enough to take care of things. Time for me to take care of me.

OMG! Therapy this time around was a btch! I had the best psychologists ever, they were good, and they really got to the bottom of stuff, but HOLY CRAP yeah, it hurt like hell and my life went all to sh-- for a while. I was going to 2 or 3 appointments a week. I can't even describe here how bad it was because this relapse was the worst ever. I almost died a few times at my own hand because it was that painful to deal with.

But I can honestly say that 2 years after I began my life had a turn around. It was like doing surgery and draining a huge abscess. I feel like for the first time, I can see things so clearly. I have been given the tools to battle the evil tapes that N. has planted in my mind. I'm not finished yet. I have refused to use antidepressants and antipsychotics, (I dislike side effects), so I still struggle with depression. It's a mild one comparatively, but occasionally it bites hard. So every day is a fight to see the sunny side of life. Every day is a fight to DO something, to get out of bed, make the bed, get dressed, wash my face, brush my teeth... But I don't fault myself for it, after all, as long as there IS a struggle or fight, it means I am alive and trying. I am still a soldier after all. So I appreciate and love myself for it, and congratulate myself for meeting any other goals I have set.
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Good for you Debralee!! Stay strong.
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Debralee I am so glad you have stayed! And I know that emjo and Mishka are too, so many of us here are in the same boat and we really need to stick around for each other. Grab a paddle, we are definitely heading somewhere. Somewhere happy, somewhere good, somewhere BEAUTIFUL and SWEET and WARM! One person with a paddle will just exhaust themselves going in circles, but if we all paddle together there is great hope. :D

The Paddle Song
3 part round

Our paddles keen and bright,
Flashing like silver;
Swift as the wild goose flight,
Dip, dip, and swing.

Dip, dip, and swing them back,
Flashing like silver;
Swift as the wild goose flight,
Dip, dip and swing.

Was anyone a Scout? Or go to camp? Maybe you knew this song. Makes me smile still. You can find many on youtube.
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MishkaM, I have considered going back for therapy, but the fear of rehashing those old wounds to help with my current situation is a difficult decision. I have put that whole nightmare behind me and grew strong enough not to let it get in the way of living my life. Is it worth chancing going back to that dark place of the past to help me cope with the present situation of a clueless mother?
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Pamela thank you so much for those kind words. Some people would think how horrible a person I am for what I say and feel to include myself. Twice I have been belittled on this site for how I feel and almost permanently cancelled my account. But there are more people like you here that keep me hopeful and focused instead of running away. Your situation was horrendous. You ability to stay positive with humor is an inspiration. Hopefully your upbeat approach towards life will become infectious to all us caregivers in similiar situations. I am so glad you joined this site!
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Debralee - After hearing more of your story I think maybe you should consider what PamelaSue has done and cut your Mom out of your life. I imagine it does get hard telling your story to therapists but I still think you may need professional help as there seems to be so much pain in your post. I know it can be hard to find a good therapist-goodness knows I sometimes think some of the therapists I have seen need more therapy than me!- but , in the long run, if you can find a good one I really think it helps. JMO. Again, good luck and blessings to you!!
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((((((Debralee))))))). I know it is tough to shake these bonds. I have thought that I could visit my mother and not be stressed or hurt, but that has been very rare and on a very short visit. I am glad you have put up boundaries and distanced yourself, Part of that for me has been to curtail visits, and communications. I have had to separate myself more and give myself more space. And that is a consequence for mother of her continued behaviours.

I understand the hurt you had on not receiving any gift when you are the one who is helping. it seems to be what narcissists do. I asked my mother about that once and she said she feels she "owes" my sister, as my sister gives her a few gifts a year, I said I travel to help you, I buy you things, give you gifts too, I have helped you to move and to deal with problems in your ALF - does that not count? She did not say anything but just looked vague. When we were younger, one year when I had done a lot for her, though never well enough, of course, she gave my sister a leather coat for Christms and I got bottle of vitamin pills. Why did I not smell the coffee and smarten up sooner.

I feel the same way about being POA, and have considered dropping it. My sister is my backup, and I suspect she would use some of the money for her own purposes, or I would have dropped it before. I am glad you are firm about not taking her inti your home and becoming her 24/7 caregiver. Definitely you are not her servant, though that is what she wants from you, as does mine from me. I think you are right that you - and I and others - are not much more than a convenience for our NMs. More ((((((hugs))))))) stand strong, and let go of the guilt/obligation, Your mother planted that in you years ago for her purposes. You deserve better.
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Debralee, I went through the same thing. Hell, she has been treating me like that ever since I can remember. I tried every reason I could think of to be a good daughter. The last reason I used, was "I am doing this because I am a good woman and I am helping my sister".

Once I realized that N. was a btch and always would be a btch; once I realized that I was a good person and not the 'bad girl' she had always told me I was; once I realized that she always treat me like sh-- and make my life miserable no matter how wonderful I was too her; THEN I felt ready to leave her and cut her out of my life. The last straw came with a letter she wrote that was so disgusting that my sister and daughter decided that we would not invited her to my granddaughter's baptism. We didn't tell her that she had been uninvited, none of us are the drama queens that she is; we simply never told her that there was a baptism. And that is the way we will keep it.

My sister and my kids have made the choice to keep her in their lives. That's ok for them, the dynamics are different for them and I don't interfere with that. My kids are emotionally and mentally strong and capable, they understand how damaged and sick she is and know to be careful with her. But for me it's different, I simply refuse to have anything that toxic in my life. I do not feel guilty in any way; it's called self preservation.

I'm not sure exactly why N. dislikes me so strongly, I can only guess. She began telling me from a very early age that I was the product of a broken condom on their honeymoon and that she did not want me. She shared way more things with me than I wanted her to. Apparently her honeymoon was traumatic for her if you get my gist. I must be a reminder of all of that. I also think that she did not want to be a mother and I must have spoiled her plans. She went into nursing school to be a CNA as soon as possible and I know that she enjoyed that for many years. I know that my brother and sister were planned children. I know that she thinks having a boy is more special than having a girl. All things she told me.

From all of this I do know that I AM NOT THE PROBLEM. There isn't a doggoned thing wrong with me. N. used all of what was wrong with her to abuse me my whole life. But the reality is I AM a good person. You know what Debralee, I bet you are too. Look at how hard you are working to care for a woman who is literally your enemy.

I really hope Debralee that you will find your moment, and you will be able to break away from that toxicity. You deserve to be happy and have a wonderful life. A life without fear and anxiety Because you are a wonderful beautiful caring person who deserves only the best people in your life. People who appreciate you for everything you Are whether or not you do anything for them.
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MishkaM, I have been in and out of therapy my whole adult life. I am tired of explaining the scars on my wrists, the incest I endured and an indifferent mother who was too busy having an affair with a married man while being married to my father or catering to the demands of a younger sister just to shut her up. She does not believe what happened to me by telling my husband it didn't happen. She justifies her motherhood by saying yes she made mistakes but she did the best that she could. Now that she is alone and needs help, she wants me to be the one to do it. Why can't she just leave me alone like when I was a small scared confused little girl? I somehow managed to survive by myself into adulthood without her help!
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Hi Debralee, sheesh- that stinks! Seriously! I wonder what our Mom was thinking? I wonder if she was hoping that if she sent them money and cards they would pay more attention to her where as you are already in her life she doesn't have to. -? Sometimes needy people just have really low self esteems and she may have been trying to win over your sisters thinking money was the only way to get them in her life. I am just throwing out thoughts here.

Can you go to counseling to get some help with your feelings? Once my Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's I found a therapist to talk to. I had a lot of issues with my Mom and had always had the idea that I would one day have THE TALK where she'd falls on her knees and begs for forgiveness. :0/ Well- with the diagnosis of Alzheimer's ( which, btw has been changed some but still the outcome is the same) I knew that talk was not going to happen and she was going to need me to help her. It REALLY helped to talk with a therapist and work through my anger and frustration. I could not fix my Mom but I did fix myself ( well- parts of me at least-I am a work in progress).

Sending you hugs (((((hug)))) . Best of luck.
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PamelaSue, you are funny. You sound like my husband with the wacky tobacky relaxation technique. Never could overcome the paranoa feeling, but a good can of beer can do wonders for the restless soul. Anyway you could bottle up your funny positive outlook on life and sell it to us caregivers?
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I feel quilty because of have this sick sense of obligation. I hate myself for being that way and hate my mother more for expecting me to be the only one she wants to count on. Yes I have distant myself and put up barriers, but every visit ends up somehow me being emotionally hurt. This last visit I find out my mother had sent money to my sisters, step sister and her daughter for their birthday. My husband and I never even received a card. We are the ones that have been fixing up her house, cleaning out the garage and basement of accumulated junk, helping her with transportation, and so forth since my horrid stepfather died a year ago. Only one sister has helped with my mother. It hurt deeply how she could not even acknowledge my birthday with a phone call after everything my husband and I have been doing for her. I have come to realize I am nothing more to her than a convenience. Wish I never agreed to being her DPOA, Executor of her Will or joint on her bank account. The only good thing about being her DPOA is being able to use her assets for her care if that time ever comes. I could care less about my inheritence portion. I will not become her 24/7 caregiver so the other heirs can get their cash legacies. It will be used for her homecare, assisted living or NH whatever it takes so that I am not her almighty salvation servent. Thank you everyone for your support and understanding.
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i used to take two hits on my pipe before all dealings with N. LOL! No, really, i'm serious. i have a medical card here in CA for PTSD and pain. i would literally get sick the day before knowing that i would have to see her. my stomach would knot and twist, i'd be nauseated and sometimes vomit. i'd get a migraine. i was anxious and often in panic mode. and then when the day with her was over and i was at home, i had a shot of good rum, and two more hits on my pipe. then i'd curl up with my boyfriend and watch tv. he would listen to me and comfort me and he would make dinner for me. i don't know what i would have done without him during that time. now i don't have to see her at all, she became even more abusive; i got smart and cut her out of my life.

Debralee, why do you feel guilty? Have you actually done anything wrong, or are these just "Mother" tapes playing in your head? Think about it for a few minutes, but not too much longer. 'Mother' takes up too much space in our heads as it is. I am certain that once you have thought about it you will realize that there is nothing to be guilty about.

I'm not sure where you live, but in many cities there are usually ride services set up for seniors; they may be free or sliding scale or donation based. The drivers are volunteers. N. missed shopping and knew that I would not do that for her as frequently as she liked, so she got herself set up with a donation based service, then she told them to send the donation paperwork to Me to pay! Witch. I refused of course. At the time she was spending around $300 a week on candy, cookies, and clothing, she can donate $40 a month for her rides. Then she began using them for doctor visits because I had suggested that she was seeing all her doctors far too often, that way I would not know about all the other visits, lolz. That witch is really something. Anyways, check into that. The less you have to see her, the better. You know it and I know it; nothing there to feel guilt about.
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Debralee-I found your post again!!! YAY! I have been thinking about this for the last few days as I was watching my Mom -who I have my own personal baggage with - and I thought of some other things I do to prepare myself. FIRST- I make sure I look good. Seriously. I make sure that I am in an outfit that makes me feel pretty and confident. Call it my "armor". SECOND- I make sure I eat healthy the week before the visit. It keeps me strong and, well, let's face it if you are constipated on top of having to deal with a difficult person it just makes things soooo much worse. :0/ THIRD- I try and get 30 minutes of exercise in at least a week before the visit so my endorphins are up. I struggle with anxiety so I really need to do this. It really really helps me. FOURTH- I make sure that I bring with me something that will bring me comfort. When I see my Mom it is for, at least, a weekend-this last time a full week, so I made sure that I had a good book to read on my down time-so when I was feeling pushed to the limit I could think-after this "fill in the blank" I can go in my room and read for 10 minutes. It is important to schedule time for yourself. Even if it is just a shower. There have been times when my Mom has been sooooo needy that the only time I could be alone was when I showered. I would set my Mom up at the computer or resting and then tell her I had to shower and I would just take a nice loooooong shower and relax, let my mind stop thinking about my Mom and think happy thoughts. This last week I sang at the top of my lungs ( I love to sing) and I did not care if it bothered her. It was MY time.

Ummm, I think that is it. Let us know how your visit went. :0)
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Prayer does help, IMO. I pray and pray for God to give me strength and patience. I honestly believe that without His help I would not have been able to care for my Mom this last week.

Also-a little trick I do if I feel myself losing control-I pretend that I am on TV-being watched -like "The Truman Show" and everyone who is watching me wants to see how I will handle the tough situation I am in . I KNOW-this sounds crazy!!!-but it works for me. It helps me step outside of my own emotions and act the way I think I should even when upset. I don't do this all the time -just when I feel myself losing control or patience. Good luck!
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