Mom is 93, lives alone in paid-for house, drives, cooks (well, microwaves ready-made stuff) and is in good health except for some hearing loss. All her marbles, no falls so far, and still enjoys fiddling with her yard and plants. I see her about once every two weeks, when I take my daughter’s two little ones over to visit for a couple of hours, which she enjoys. That’s really all the interaction we have; she and I have never been close, and as she seems okay, I don’t feel any need to do more.
My younger sister adores her, calls her daily (sometimes more), and accompanies her to any doctor appointments that involve an out-of-town drive. They have always been much closer, and, frankly, that has been fine with me. I have been perfectly happy all my life with our assigned roles, i.e., I was/am the brainy, unsentimental one, Sister was/is the cheery, lovey-dovey one. Suited me then, suits me now.
Well. I recently learned that, unbeknownst to me, Sister took Mom to visit a retirement place—nice, good reputation, not one of the over-the-top, outlandishly-priced country-club sort, but certainly expensive. It is not a care facility; really, just old-folks apartments with a restaurant-style dining room. And, I guess, activities and such.
When I found out (Mom told me, after the fact, and mentioned the monthly fee) I called Sister and said, “You realize that a place like this will not accept Medicaid, and if she sells her house, she will have too much cash to even APPLY for Medicaid, and by the time she spends it down—“ that’s as far as I got. “She will NOT need Medicaid!” gasped Sister. “I would never, ever put her in one of those horrible places that accept it!”
”Well, if she has spent all her money on this apartment place YOU decided she should visit, then gets sick, falls, and needs a different place, where will she get the funds for something that meets Your Highness’ lofty standards?”
A few beats of silence. “Well, from US, of course. That’s what children do for their parents, isn’t it?”
This is not a problem yet, but of course, could be any day now. Mom could easily live to 100 (genetics strong and oh, Lord, medical science can keep the old darlings hanging on forevvvvver these days), and when her money runs out (house is all she has) she will HAVE to have Medicaid, or go private pay, and the bottom line is, I vote the former, and Sister is clearly going to be Hell-bent on the latter.
i don’t think there’s a compromise, is there? I am unwilling to ask my husband to dig into our own (ample) retirement funds to bankroll what could be a very long, drawn-out gig. If my sister wants to spend her own money, that is her business, I suppose.
I dread the next few years. Has anyone else been utterly at odds, philosophically, with a sibling about this issue, and how did it pan out?
Obviously, you are under no obligation to be involved any more than you wish. I haven't been there yet, but I have a number of friends and acquaintances who have navigated similar situations. Based on my observations, the siblings who disagree have eventually found workable solutions if they can manage to treat one another with respect.
(Gently.) I'm sure that there is a back story, but please consider refraining from sarcastic questions and statements when discussing the emotional issue of seeing to your mother's living situation ("your Highness' lofty standards"). Most people shut down when someone speaks that way. Your sister has made assumptions -- it seems that you have, too. We all do that. She obviously assumed you felt the same way she does. You don't, which of course if fine, but snark won't improve the situation. Your sister is close to your mom and wants "the best" for her, and she has made the mistake of assuming you would also be willing to help out financially.
You dread the next few years? You might make them better by educating your sister about the way this stuff works. Help yourself by helping her to understand how to plan for Mom's future. You can still stand your ground, and you don't have to be "lovey-dovey". You are not required to finance your mother's remaining years, but an offer of assistance to help your mother and sister to steer the course wouldn't go amiss.
Those of us who have children need to remember that they are watching. Even folks with ample financial resources need help in their old age.
While you are looking for a facility that has all levels of care look for one that ALSO accepts Medicaid. Once your mom is there the building will not change, the staff will not change only the billing will change. So if it is "awful" going on a tour you would not select that facility.
What I did in my mind when caring for my Husband was 1 thing..SAFETY.
If he was no longer safe at home..I would place him
If I could not safely care for him I would place him.
If I was not safe caring for him I would place him.
Luckily I. with the help of Hospice and the VA was able to keep him safe I had the equipment I needed and the education I needed to make it safe for both of us.
If your mom can make decisions at this point maybe you both should sit down and talk to her about what SHE wants.
Does she want to stay in her home? If so is there a possibility of her accepting caregivers in when she needs help? Does the house have to be adapted so if she begins to use a walker or wheelchair will she be able to get around safely? Are there steps into the house? Is the bathroom large enough for a wheelchair? I could go on but would the cost of caregivers and adaptations make a move to a facility easier and less expensive.
The upside to a move now is it is a decision she makes and it would become her home so as she declines it will still be home.
Make it clear to both your sister and to your mom that you are not in a position financially to split costs with your sister. I can see paying for a few things but not supporting her completely. (I would never expect that of my children and I think if you ask any parent they would not want their child putting their financial future in jeopardy paying for an aging parent)
No way should you deplete your retirement to support mom. Hold firm.