My mother in law who has alzheimers and dementia (and her dog) moved in with my husband and I about 10 months ago. She was living with her longtime partner but he passed away.
It was either a NH or our home at that point. She is unable to cook or even remember to eat as well as keeping herself safe. When my sister in law came to us about moving ML in to our home, both my HB and I made the decision to have her move in. At this point, I had no idea how it would affect us.
ML has severe alzh and dementia, she needs 24/7 care. She needs help with everything except using the bathroom, and cannot be left alone. She recently started having BM accidents and chokes on her food sometimes. ML gets easily confused, asks the same questions or tells the same story over and over all day long. I am her main caregiver because I work from home. I take care of all of her needs (HB has started helping more on his days off but this just recently changed. She has in home care set up with her grand daughter who has been helpful. She helps her shower every other day and keeps her on Fridays for a few hours every week but also has a full time job so her ability to help during the week or weekends is limited). My SL also recently started taking ML during the day on weekends. We have ML Mon-Thurs full time and evenings/ nights the rest of the week.
I feel like my life has completely changed and is starting to affect my relationship with my HB.
MIL hates me. She doesn't hate me as much when my HB is at work or gone. When HB is home, she sticks to his side at all times. I cannot have a conversation with HB in front of ML because she gets agitated (if looks could kill, I'd be dead). She is rude to me and treats me like sh*t. She has cussed at me, tells me this is her house (she thinks we moved in with her) and has constantly told me to get the f**k out of her house. When my HB is not home, she can be sweet and is not as rude to me so I understand it is a jealousy thing.
We have had to watch what we do or say in front of her to avoid putting her in a bad mood. Little things that we use to do such as giving my HB a kiss goodbye when he leaves or comes home, sitting next to each other at the dinner table, watching a movie together in the living room, having a conversation are all things we can't do anymore because it makes ML angry. Being able to go to the grocery store or appts. for my self and kids without having someone watch ML are things I can't do anymore. I sound selfish but those are all things that are important to me and I feel like it is affecting our relationship.
I have talked with my HB several times about how I feel but last night, I told him I am done. I am mentally exhausted. I can't do it anymore. A couple of weeks ago she complained and criticized our dinner and said how s****y it was for the entire time that we ate because she knew I made dinner and my HB sat next to me. For 30 to 45 minutes I had to listen to how horrible my food was (even though she ate it all). I lost it! Got up and said "better than nursing home food" this went right over her head and she forgot I even said that 5 seconds later but I know it hurt my HB and I feel terrible about it (for him). This is not who I am or who I want to be. I usually just take her words and try to not let it bother me but lately I feel like I've had enough.
HB does not think ML is ready to be in a NH and thinks I need help. ML is helpless. He says I should block everything she says and let it go because she has a disease and this is temporary. He is not forcing me to keep taking care of her but he is definitely making me feel guilty for saying I can't do it anymore. His solution is to hire someone to come in and take care of her while he is at work. This would help but it wouldn't change the way she treats me or give us back our "normal life". Also, before ML moved in, we saw her no more than 1 or 2 times per year so I am a complete stranger to her and I never had a relationship with her. Please help.
I suppose that he may have some kind of sense of obligation, but, anyone would see your home situation as untenable. I'd likely have to explain to DH that it's not just the hands on work duties, when a PWD is in the home, but, it's stressful mentally to be with a person who has no boundaries. She can't help that she has no boundaries, because she has brain damage. There is no way to prevent her negative behavior. She can't process it and would forget it, if she did. Outside help is going to be a challenge too. If she's mean to the helper, it might be difficult to keep help.
Many people with dementia are very unhappy, rude, resistant and difficult to manage. Medication does help some people. It worked wonders for my LO who has dementia. I'd consider if that would make a difference. If not, I'd explore my options. Is this a deal breaker? Get legal advice from an attorney, so you know your rights and obligations. It's always good to be informed. I might inquire about a Caregiver Agreement, so you get paid for your around the clock work. If they have to pay you, then, DH's position might change.
I honestly feel that he is wanting to keep mom in our home because he wants to avoid the guilt of knowing he put her in a nursing home. MIL is on Medicare and Medicaid, i'm sure this would cover most if not all of the cost of a memory care facility. MIL has no kind of property or assets, there is no type of inheritance.
We do have her on a medication that is supposed to help with her mood but I don't think it is working for her.
Honestly, I never expected to get paid but even if I were getting paid to take care of my MIL, I would not be able to do it.
Please have your husband read "FarmGirl21's" thread called "Are There any Caregivers who are Assisting a Spouse in Caring for Aging Parents? How Do You Navigate that? Especially, "lacyisland's" response as he is a man who ended up divorcing his wife over this type of issue.
Not only is it in the best interest of your marriage to have her in a memory care unit where she can be with people her own age and with the appropriate staff who are trained to handle the disease in its entirety, it is most definitely for the sake of your marriage and also, please think about any responsibility that is being placed on her granddaughter who should be living and enjoying her life. You are not equipped to handle the disease, the behaviors that go along with it or the vitriol that she is displaying.
I just put my mom in memory care after nearly dying in April from COVID and several other issues. She is finally starting to get involved in doing some crafts and allowing them to take her to the dining room. She has plenty of interaction with the staff because they provide more frequent care throughout the day and night. There is no way my husband and I could do it. My husband already is suffering from severe anxiety (he loves my mom very much), had to take a FMLA for six weeks while wondering if he would even have a job to return to after working for the same company 27 years. He is a better caregiver than I am but, he would not be able to handle it nor would I do that to him.
You feel like your life has completely changed - because it has and will continue to do so under these conditions. You have talked to your husband letting him know how you feel and where you stand - apparently it isn't soaking in. Your husband doesn't think she is ready to be in a NH - she is MORE than ready. She is choking on food which I don't know about you but, if I even hear someone at a restaurant who starts to choke on something, I get upset and panicky. I'm quite concerned about the abuse you're taking and your husband saying "you need help."
As for hiring caregivers, that may not be the best solution. I know my aunt did that for her husband and for different reasons, they would quit and then have to go through the whole process all over again to find someone else. My aunt went through at least 5 different caregivers when my uncle was alive. Many would be chased off because of his mom's behaviors especially if she is abusive towards them.
Please remember your husband is supposed to put you and your own family first - that's what "leaving" and "cleaving" is all about. Both of you are at high risk for developing your own health issues if you continue on this path that is not working. She will not change ever except to get worse with her behaviors especially if you've never had a relationship with her. Dear husband, when you are trying to induce guilt onto your wife, you are manipulating her plain and simple along with trying to place any kind of blame that should actually be on your mom and displacing it onto your wife whom you are supposed to "love."
I know that all the other people who've commented have great advice so I hope you will read each one thoroughly and take it to heart.
Please take heed before it's too late or you will find yourself in a place you do not want to be in!
I honestly think MIL would be a lot more happy in a memory care facility, she would have a place she knows is her own and would see us as visitors when we visit her instead of people who took her home from her or invaded her home. I want her to move out before I get to the point of not wanting to be around her at all, so that I could still visit her. Not that she remembers me or wants me around but to be there for my HB.
Thank you for taking the time to give us your honest advice. When my HB told me I need to seek help for my feelings, I felt like he slapped me in the face. I need help for agreeing to help with MIL, keeping her safe, clean and fed for the past 10 months? But I am truly glad that my HB asked me to join a support group because I think reading words coming from an unbiased person is going to help him more than it will myself.
She could be like this for years if its ALZ. You are the one home with her all day. Tell DH you want your life back. You want what you had with him before Mom came into the picture. She needs more care than you can give. You can't deal with her nastiness towards you. She is not your mother, she is his.
Find things to get you out of the house when DH is home. Let him do the caregiving. Let him get tired of her following him everywhere he goes. Unless he is a very patient, laid back guy, this will get to him.
Recently I started taking trips to the store, I will be gone for 3 or 4 hours at a time as soon as HB gets home from work just to get a break from MIL and so that I don't have to deal with her negative behavior towards me. I feel like this is creating a distance between HB and I.
Is it possible, until she gets placed, to not look at her? Then you wouldn't see the anger and ugly stares.
Your husband needs to start telling his mommy to stop with the nastiness. That's enough mother! Is totally acceptable in this situation. Just letting her tear you down is contributing to the abuse she is dishing out on you.
Unfortunately adult children can not always get past the parent child dynamic and they let a demented mind run the show. He needs to come to terms with the FACT that this person is not a capable, reasonable adult that he must submit to. She is a child in her mind and he is now her authority figure. He needs to act like the adult and say something when she is being abusive.
Her needs will only increase and so will your stress if something doesn't change. If the situation is not working for everyone involved, it is NOT working and must be changed.
You gave it an honest chance and it is not working, time for a change. Why doesn't mom go live with his sister that thought her moving in with you guys a viable solution? They are responsible for her care, not you. They need to step up and deal with their mom.
I hope that your husband doesn't put his mom above you, he promised to forsake all others for you, not her. However, it happens in life and those decisions have ruined many marriages. You need to decide what your deal breaker is, because his mom could live for years and he may decide that he is in it for the long haul. Can you deal with this for years or would your health and wellbeing be destroyed? You need to really look at what you are willing to deal with and what is best for you, even or should I say especially if your husband is not willing to put her in a facility or have her move to sisters house. No marriage is worth it if you are miserable all the time and feel like you don't matter to your spouse, I am sorry to say it but, I think that you have to love yourself enough to set and enforce boundaries in life. Otherwise there are people that will eat you alive, even spouses.
I don't think that his solution has addressed what I read your problems with this situation are. You still have no marital time, you still can not behave as a wife and he as a husband. Does he not understand what the problem really is?
Best of luck getting this sorted out and getting mom the best care for her condition.
Is it possible, until she gets placed, to not look at her?- Lately, when my husband is home, I pretty much just stay in the bedroom or take really long showers, go to walmart for 3 hours. I try to avoid her at every cost but we have always sat at the dinner table together and had dinner as a family. We also have 4 kids that still live with us so I sit and have dinner with my family as I always have. We always include her at dinner time and we have altered our lifestyle since she moved in. We use to go camping at least three times per year but this year, we stayed home a lot.
My husband says MIL has a disease and I should just ignore her nasty behavior towards me.
Why doesn't mom go live with his sister that thought her moving in with you guys a viable solution? - I had to pretty much beg her for help on the weekends and she refuses to keep her mother overnight. I doubt that she would be willing to keep her more than 24 hrs.
I really hope that this doesn't affect our relationship either. My husband is the most caring and selfless person I know, I think the guilt of knowing he "locked his crazy mom in a nursing home" is what is keeping him from seeing that a memory care home is probably the best for mom. My husband has never been close to his mom, even during his childhood days so I have a hard time believing that he doesn't want her to move out because of a bond that he has with her.
I don't think that his solution has addressed what I read your problems with this situation are. You still have no marital time, you still can not behave as a wife and he as a husband. Does he not understand what the problem really is?- This is the key point! Thank you! I am glad he got to see this and hear it from someone other than myself.
How is the dog? Can you keep the dog if she goes to a facility?
The dog is another story, MIL had 5 dogs when she moved in. We took 2 of them in (one of them was really old and had to be put down shortly after). The dog that she has now will be staying with us, I had to completely re- potty train her. When MIL's partner got more imobile, nobody was letting the dogs out to go potty so they started going in the house. To answer your question, we are going to keep the dog with us, she is not so bad compared to MIL lol
Tell your DH to man up and start the process of finding placement. It will be better for all involved including your MIL who will get the care she needs 24/7 and she can socialize with her peers instead of hijacking your marriage.
Just curious, how did DH and his sisters manage to rope you into this responsibility for THEIR mother? Now after ten months you are rightfully burned out, and DH is guilting you to keep doing it??
I can see why your relationship is starting to suffer. I'm sorry you are going through this.
MIL only has 2 kids, my husband and one daughter who is/was also my best friend. I have known her longer than my husband. She thought it would be a good idea to have MIL move in with us because I work from home. When my SL asked about having her move in, we were supposed to have a lot of help and support from her and her adult daughters which never happened. I had to beg for help on the weekends and let her know it was either that or the nursing home in order to get my SL to take MIL on the weekends for a few hours.
Your KIDS are exposed to this behavior?
I agree that he should try being the solo caregiver for a few weeks while you take a break. If he finds that this works for him and mom, you have your answer as to where his priorities are.
If mother is starting to choke and had become incontinent, she needs placement. She needs specialized food and observation while eating.
1. Call the Area Agency on Aging and arrange for a needs assessment to determine what level of support is needed.
2. Get mom to a geriatric psychiatrist for meds to even out her moodiness, iritability and possibe paranoia.
3. Understand that being isolated in a single family home with no socialization is making MIL worse.
Dementia is not an excuse for abuse.
Your wife has asked for us to respond to a message she posted here on the caregiver forum, and that she would show you the responses. So I thought I would cut out the "middleman" so to speak, and reply directly to you:
First and foremost: I am sure you are a loving husband and son who wants what's best for both wife and mother. I am sure you feel as though you are caught between the proverbial rock and hard place, and that whatever your decision is, you will be in the wrong.
This is a dilemma that most (if not all) caregivers are forced to face every day. Live with LO's needing help or place in a facility. Hire help or do it all alone. Memory care v. nursing home. Seek life extending medical intervention or place in hospice. The list of choices is endless, and rarely is it a choice between good vs. bad. It's usually bad vs. worse. vs. worst. Unfortunately, this is now where you and your wife (and your mom) are at. Ignoring it, burying your head in the sand, expecting that this will magically get better will only compound the problems. None of us want to be in this position, but, for better or worse, that's where we are.
Your mom needs more help than you and your wife can give her at home. Even if mom and wife's relationship was rock solid, that would still be the fact. And the disease that she has will only progress further and further. The longer you put off finding some sort of outside help (preferably placement in a facility) the harder it will be to do eventually. And chances are you are going to need placement for her eventually. Very, very few people can keep a dementia/AZ patient at home until they pass. To be able to do that, you need absolutely 100% dependable help, care and support from everyone in the house, as well as outside help. Which you clearly do not have.
This doesn't make your wife a bad person. It doesn't make you a bad son. If your mom needed heart surgery, you would seek professional help, because you would know that you don't have the skills needed to do it yourself. Placing mom in a facility specializing in her illness is also a form of seeking skilled medical intervention for her. And placing her doesn't mean that your caregiving will stop - you can ask any number of people on this board who have LO's in a facility. It just means that your responsibilities will change and shift to other things she will need done.
Your wife has told you that she can't do it anymore. You need to take those words to heart. It's time to seek alternate help for mom. Mom needs it; your wife needs it; and so do you.
Good luck!
Beautifully said and I like your approach to addressing her husband directly. Right after I finished reading it, in my email box was something from "A Place From Home," which is how I was originally directed to AgingCare four months ago. The subject line read: "How Much Care Does Your Parent Need?" and although I haven't even opened it up to read it and it may not talk about this issue directly, I still thought it was an apropos question.
Time for sil to take mil!
"I lost it! Got up and said 'better than nursing home food' this went right over her head and she forgot I even said that 5 seconds later but I know it hurt my HB and I feel terrible about it (for him). "
THIS is losing it?!?! No, it's not. There is a lot more that I would have said by that time.
" He is not forcing me to keep taking care of her but he is definitely making me feel guilty for saying I can't do it anymore. His solution is to hire someone to come in and take care of her while he is at work. This would help but it wouldn't change the way she treats me or give us back our 'normal life.'"
When does H think she will be ready for a NH? And why would HE be paying for a caregiver?
10 months is long enough. How about going somewhere and letting your H deal with his mother?
I have went on a few trips for work- 2 days max and he told me how stressful it is, he tells me all of the time he drives her nuts.
You are burned out, and rightfully so. You nor your husband are equipped to be dealing with someone that far along in their disease. Your husband might feel he has to take care of mom out of some sort of misplaced guilt or something, but really enough is enough. Is having her in your house really worth risking yours and your husbands relationship over, or worse yet you losing your health over?
Maybe your husband should take a few weeks off of his job so he can stay with his mom 24/7 and you go take a little vacation, and let's see what he thinks about all this when you return. Wishing you the best.
I honestly do not think having her stay much longer is worth risking our relationship, this is why I am speaking up now VS keeping my mouth shut for months or years until I get to the point where I no longer want to be in my own home.
I like the idea of taking off for a few weeks, I would totally do that if I had the ability to.