My mother in law who has alzheimers and dementia (and her dog) moved in with my husband and I about 10 months ago. She was living with her longtime partner but he passed away.
It was either a NH or our home at that point. She is unable to cook or even remember to eat as well as keeping herself safe. When my sister in law came to us about moving ML in to our home, both my HB and I made the decision to have her move in. At this point, I had no idea how it would affect us.
ML has severe alzh and dementia, she needs 24/7 care. She needs help with everything except using the bathroom, and cannot be left alone. She recently started having BM accidents and chokes on her food sometimes. ML gets easily confused, asks the same questions or tells the same story over and over all day long. I am her main caregiver because I work from home. I take care of all of her needs (HB has started helping more on his days off but this just recently changed. She has in home care set up with her grand daughter who has been helpful. She helps her shower every other day and keeps her on Fridays for a few hours every week but also has a full time job so her ability to help during the week or weekends is limited). My SL also recently started taking ML during the day on weekends. We have ML Mon-Thurs full time and evenings/ nights the rest of the week.
I feel like my life has completely changed and is starting to affect my relationship with my HB.
MIL hates me. She doesn't hate me as much when my HB is at work or gone. When HB is home, she sticks to his side at all times. I cannot have a conversation with HB in front of ML because she gets agitated (if looks could kill, I'd be dead). She is rude to me and treats me like sh*t. She has cussed at me, tells me this is her house (she thinks we moved in with her) and has constantly told me to get the f**k out of her house. When my HB is not home, she can be sweet and is not as rude to me so I understand it is a jealousy thing.
We have had to watch what we do or say in front of her to avoid putting her in a bad mood. Little things that we use to do such as giving my HB a kiss goodbye when he leaves or comes home, sitting next to each other at the dinner table, watching a movie together in the living room, having a conversation are all things we can't do anymore because it makes ML angry. Being able to go to the grocery store or appts. for my self and kids without having someone watch ML are things I can't do anymore. I sound selfish but those are all things that are important to me and I feel like it is affecting our relationship.
I have talked with my HB several times about how I feel but last night, I told him I am done. I am mentally exhausted. I can't do it anymore. A couple of weeks ago she complained and criticized our dinner and said how s****y it was for the entire time that we ate because she knew I made dinner and my HB sat next to me. For 30 to 45 minutes I had to listen to how horrible my food was (even though she ate it all). I lost it! Got up and said "better than nursing home food" this went right over her head and she forgot I even said that 5 seconds later but I know it hurt my HB and I feel terrible about it (for him). This is not who I am or who I want to be. I usually just take her words and try to not let it bother me but lately I feel like I've had enough.
HB does not think ML is ready to be in a NH and thinks I need help. ML is helpless. He says I should block everything she says and let it go because she has a disease and this is temporary. He is not forcing me to keep taking care of her but he is definitely making me feel guilty for saying I can't do it anymore. His solution is to hire someone to come in and take care of her while he is at work. This would help but it wouldn't change the way she treats me or give us back our "normal life". Also, before ML moved in, we saw her no more than 1 or 2 times per year so I am a complete stranger to her and I never had a relationship with her. Please help.
That’s how they get with this disease. It doesn’t get better. Only worse! My mother has dementia & I’m her primary caregiver...w help part time pvt pay aide. My mother is incontinent & immobile. She tells me often to leave “her” house & go live on street as a prostitute. Mind you, I have 2 Masters degrees, CPA & Teaching licenses. I put everything on back burner to take care of her. I was Sub Teaching part time until March...Anyway, I’m her daughter, not DIL ...She’s 93 & I just do what I can to make her comfortable. She don’t remember 5 minutes after abusing me..I don’t recommend keeping MIL at your home. You will regret it because your marriage will suffer...HUGS 🤗
This isn't your mother in law's fault. She has a disease. But her disease is destroying your marriage...slowly. Like termites in a house. You don't need a support group. You need your husband to wake up.
Having him read through the advice coming from complete strangers has helped his mindset too.
First of all your Mothers In Laws situation IS NOT going to get better. She probably no longer has the mental capacity to change. And what ever capacity she has left she is getting great pleasure out of being devisive between you and your husband
In order for the marriage to survive there has to be one non negotiable agreement.
Both of you must (not should) agree the needs and health of your marriage come first. If you can not get that.. From my personal experience I know.. you don't have a marriage.
when I gave this ultimatim to my wife she sided with her Mother. Like you I had finally had enough of the abuse from my Mother in law. I was completly exausted and punch drunk. What AMPLIFIES this is when your spouse does not stand up for you. I know from tolerating it for many years. There is nothing more degrading, demorlizing than this envirnment. And it happens EVERY DAY.
This is your spouses responsibility to correct. The both of you needs to sit down with Mom and lay out clear ground rules. Let her know if she can not be respectful and supportive of you and the marriage you will be left with NO OTHER option but to move her to a home. This is YOUR house she has gotta live by your rules.
A big mistake we made was keeping my Mother in law in her house and moving in with her. We lost ALL leverage.
Based on the description you have given of your MIL condition it sounds like he time to be in some sort of full time care facility is way past due.
your spouse needs to decide who is his priority you his marriage or his Mother. Inthis kind of situation he cannot have it all. Letting this continue he is doing extreme damage to you and to your relationship. Candidly do not be suprised if he picks Mom. I am stunned at how many adult children pick the parent. In our case my wife demolished our whole family because of her obbsession with her Mother. This has deeply effected our adult chilren and the relationship they have with there Mother.
My Mother in law is in a home now. My wife lives alone in her Mothers home. I live alone. Our children only engage with their Mother when they absolutly have to. We have boys. They see this as adults and see their Mother completly abandoned their Father. This entire event has affected how they look at marriage, having children everything. The damage done when spouses do not put the needs of the marriage first are FAR reaching and last for generations.
What happens if you get sick? Can your husband handle her medical care? You need a backup caregiver for emergencies. Your husband needs to take FULL care and RESPONSIBILITY for a few days to see what it is really like. The best way is for you to take a few days away from the house so he can't try to get you to take over. I did that with my husband and he didn't even last more than a few hours before he roped in my mother to take over. I ended up coming back the same day.
Your MIL knows enough, and has enough control, to behave better when your husband is home and save most of the abuse for when you are alone with her. This has reached the point where you can't give her the best care and she needs more than you can provide.
There is no shame in letting her go to a facility that has experienced staff to take care of her. Her son can still participate in her care by supervising her care and visiting her. That is what SHE needs.
DH,
1) Do you realize how much being a. fulltime caregiver sucks the life from you?
2) Do you care that your marriage can become irrevocably altered and damaged by the stress of being a caregiver?
3) She is verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive now, it will not get better, it will only escalate as time passes. What are you going to do to alleviate this?
4) Are you willing to entertain the thought of the damage done to your children because they have to live in this situation and witness her behavior?
5) Can you see that your mom needs more help medically than can be provided in a home setting? Her choking is a part of the disease, their body forgets how to swallow correctly which leads to food aspiration into her lungs, then infection, pneumonia sets in, a viscous cycle of hospital, home, hospital, home, thickeners in her water so she can hydrate, pureed food because they forget how to chew, easier to swallow.
6) Guilt is not for one brave enough to do what is in mom's best interests for HER care, wellbeing, and safety. It is one of the hardest, most heartbreaking decisions made out of love and respect that you can do. Are you brave enough to make that decision? You can then go back to being her son and advocate, knowing that you made the best decision for her, not you, not your sister, but her.
If anything I have said insults you, I apologize in advance, it was never my intention. I just want you to really consider what your options are and damage that can be done if it is not addressed in a prompt manner. Many of us have walked this path and are trying to help you understand the toll it takes on your family and you.
Alzheimers or other Dementias - guilt & love will NOT be enough.
Husband needs to face the reality of his Mom's needs.
Hopefully he will lose his denial before he loses his marriage.
Many have been down this road, down the slippery slope. There is a way out. A support group can help - may not be the way your husband thinks it will!
((((hugs))))
Your MIL has issues that will never change - and will most likely get worse. She has definitely lost her social filter and says whatever pops into her head. She may see your HB as her husband or a boyfriend since Alzheimer's type dementia patients lose their most recent memories and tend to march backward through time in relationships.
You should not have to give up being affectionate towards each other or walking on eggshells in your own home. It appears you need to consider several options to maintain your marriage while making sure MIL is cared for:
1 - "Your time".
Create time every day when it is just the 2 of you since MIL is hostile to your marriage. Decide on when is "your time together" daily and some added times together weekly/monthly. During "your time" MIL should be cared for by others: family, friends, members of faith community, and/or paid help.
2 - "Work time"
During "work time" somebody else should care for MIL since she can not be left alone. Either work different shifts so you can take turns caring for MIL, hire somebody to care for MIL during times you both work, or arrange for adult day service program that can care for MIL in their facility.
3 - " Counsellor"
Consider going to a counsellor together while somebody else watches MIL to address issues that are making home life difficult. It helps to have a live professional to talk to and to devise new coping strategies.
4 - Full time Residential Facility or 24/7 paid help
I save this one for last since it is expensive. At some point MIL will become even more difficult to manage. Many Alzheimer's patients lose day/night boundaries. They will wander the halls/rooms and interrupt sleep of the rest of the family. You have already mentioned that MIL can not be left alone - ever - and her mental issues may make her a risk to wander off or do things that risk her health or safety. When this happens, she will need a very safe environment and fulltime care. The solution is either 24/7 round the clock caregivers - preferable paid help - or sending MIL to a facility that can provide this type of care - a memory care unit. Both of these solutions are the most expensive options but should be paid for through MIL's assets, never yours.
I'm sure a lot of people will disagree with what I'm about to say which is fine but, I will give your husband credit for 1) at least having conversations with you about the subject and 2) allowing you to share with him what the members on this forum are trying to point out to both of you because if he wasn't going to listen to you or anyone else, you'd have a much bigger problem on your hands so I would be thankful for that (as well as suggesting it in the first place).
You mentioned in your reply to my earlier post that you think it will help him even more than yourself to read unbiased comments - I think that is true in many cases throughout our lives. Those closest to us sometimes are the ones we brush off while we're more open to someone we don't know - either way, if he's willing to listen that's half the battle.
It is much easier for a man to say "just ignore x,y,z" - they seem to be able to do that while our emotional side is screaming "I can't."
You mentioned to someone else you think he wants to avoid feeling the "guilt" of placing her in a NH. It was very hard for me to put my mom in an ALF back in 2015 when she wanted to remain in the home we lived in since 1968. In her new facility in the memory care wing, she has actually said a couple of times that she is "comfortable" there. That's all I can ask for under the circumstances.
You two enjoy reading all the responses "together!" And we'd love to hear how it goes. Wishing you the best -
Here's what your husband needs to understand -- his mother will receive far better care by professionals than the most well-intentioned care by the two of you. You need to be part of a team with professional caregivers at a nursing home to do the hard work while you and your husband's family just love on her.
What you're doing now is noble, but truly, isn't what's best for her. The choking alone will get worse because that happens with Alzheimers-- are you prepared and able to handle feeding her an all liquid diet? How about handling a severe choking episode? These are the issues you and your husband need to plan for, because it's better to do the work in advance than in a crisis.
No, you don't need therapy. You're doing a job that a staff of many do at my mother's memory care facility, and you're trying to work, too. It's untenable, so I hope your husband realizes it before it destroys your marriage.
Remind him that his job is to see is mother is safe and cared for, but that doesn't mean he or you are required to do it. His job is to do what's best for everyone, and clearly your present situation is not best for everyone.
Your mother is long gone from normal. I thought perhaps she would be nice to you if your wife was out of the way, because she was jealous of your wife and her relationship with you. Now it seems that’s not true, and she can be violent with you. In the bad old days, if she had survived this long, she could well be considered ‘mad’, kept shackled in a madhouse. Now she can be cared for properly.
What are you waiting for? Reconsider your primary responsibilities right now, and do something about it.
Then when the wife is at her wit's end? Husband complains that Wife is a selfish witch who should be happy to take care of his Mama.
He IS forcing you to take care of her. He's trying to mend fences with Mama for all the time they saw each other 1-2x a year. Making himself feel better with a "I took care of her when she needed it." Even though he's not doing a thing.
I hate to say you need to leave, because it's YOUR house and you shouldn't have to. But it looks like this is the only way he will understand you're serious about getting Mama into a NH. Let him handle Mama 24/7. Oh, he'll miss work? Too bad. He wants Mama to stay, so he'll have to quit. You say you'd leave for a bit if you had the ability to. How do you NOT have the ability? If you have a car and a little bit of money, even a hotel for a week would likely be enough to show him how bad it's gotten.
She sounds like she was probably a crappy mom to her kids and husband wants to "fix" the relationship so he'll have a better conscience when she dies. Too bad his conscience isn't a problem with you.
Darn it all to heck!
Guys are "fix it" beings. If it can't be fixed they try to ignore it exists. And this cannot be fixed. This cannot be made pretty, nice, perfect. There isn't enough fine facilities and enough money in the world to make it perfect. This is going to be painful. To many. Not just to him. He needs to tell his Mom he will be there for her, but not in his own home. And you need to tell him you will be there for HIM, but not to the extent you sacrifice your own life. Many here are doing one on one care for an elder. Perhaps most. Or did it in the past. They will be the FIRST to tell you that.
My heart out to you both.
This has truly helped me realize that I should feel no guilt in making the decision to let my HB know that I am done.
I do not need therapy or counseling, I am not physically or mentally able to continue caring for my MIL at this point.
I had my HB read through the responses that were posted this morning and I will make sure to have him read through the rest, not to tell him that I was right or that I have the right to feel this way but to make him see the suggestions, advice coming from people who do not know me or him. This morning I felt like I was at fault for even telling him that I am done but reading all of your comments makes me feel like I did the right thing.
He needs to see how bad it really is. Can you visit someone for at least two weeks and leave him to figure out all of this? Even if he hires out help it will not be a walk in the park. It is not right that most of this falls in your lap. And even worse, that you have kids at home who have to have their lives disrupted over this. Are you prepared to never go on a family vacation again or even see your kids participate in sports because you can't leave MIL home alone? It will not get better.
All of that to say...you need a break. Let him take some time to care for her. Let him see how hard it is on you. Let him change her when she craps her pants.
Also, Record what she says to you and play it back to your husband. He needs to be in you shoes.
Maybe, maybe, with better medication, you might be able to buy some time. But with someone with end stage Dementia, with behavioral issues, double incontinence and choking, you are really looking at someone who needs 24/7 monitoring. You can't work and do this at the same time. Frankly, no ONE person can do 24/7 even when they are NOT working.
To some folks "putting mom in a nursing home" means that you are abandoning her. As someone whose mom was in a NH for 4 1/2 years, my siblings and I are here to tell you that among the 3 of us and our siblings, it nearly wore us out. At least for me, 90 minutes a day, it wore down my marriage, decreased my earnings (needed to drop a weekend job); wear and tear on my car, not to mention the near daily phone calls to the facility trying to straighten stuff out.
My mother got MUCH better care in a NH than any of us could have given her in our homes; she had docs, nurses, med techs, dieticians, OTs, PTs, speech therapists, laundry ladies, hairdresser, dentist, audiologist, opthamologist, geriatric psychiatrist and dermatologist all looking after her.
It takes a village.
I joined this forum at the advice of a social worker. I joined a support group because I wanted eye to eye, in person interaction with others. I went to a therapist too. All were helpful!
Nothing changed! Absolutely nothing until I decided to take all of the good advice that I heard from others and implement it in my life.
You know that your situation is not working. That is why you were smart enough to reach out to others. Your husband knows that this is not working.
Your mother in law has a broken brain so I am not touching that issue. I am simply not qualified to address it. I did not care for a person with any type of dementia so I don’t have experience on the matter.
I will address your misery! I had my mom in my home for 15 years. I dealt with it. I feel your pain!
I will address your marriage. Even in the best of marriages, it is a strain to care for a loved one. I am married over 40 years to a wonderful man but a person can only deal with so much before becoming frustrated. My husband had a right to his feelings. You have a right to yours.
It’s time to discuss options for your mother in law. Actually, it is past time. No judgment from me. I was in your shoes. I absolutely regret dragging my feet. I was blind. Sometimes if we are too close to a situation we are blinded by it. We become immune to it. It’s sad but true.
Who am I most grateful to? The people who were realists and gave me direct advice. I was broken. Extended caregiving will break us. If I can help just one person to be spared from the heartache that I went through I will be happy.
None of us can save the world and I am not looking to do so. I know my limitations. I only hope others can learn from my mistakes. I allowed my caregiving days to continue for far too long. It doesn’t serve a good purpose for anyone.
All the best to you and your family. I will keep you in my thoughts. Take care.
I don't care that her brain is broken, she DOES NOT get to bring abuse into the home any longer.
Your children DO NOT deserve the stress of watching their grandmother abuse their parents. Whether you want to face it or not, this is adversly affecting them and can scar them for life.
Man up dear husband and put her in a facility that can deal with her disease. That you would have more compassion for her then your wife and children is very disturbing. They, not her, are your 1st responsibilities.
That your sister basically lied to get you to agree to moving her in means that her opinion doesn't count. Either mom goes to her house or a facility, staying with you is no longer an option.
Open your eyes, this is destroying your wife. All for a person that you don't really like? You do love your wife, right? Then act like it.
Sorry if I sound harsh but, letting her abuse your wife, your children and yourself is beyond unacceptable and you are actually condoning the abuse by not protecting them.
NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE, EVER!
Do her doctors know that she is violent? Or is that a big shameful secret to your DH? I can empathize, but he is damaging his kids and his marriage.
My brother was convinced that we shouldn't bring in Hospice until mom didnt know us any more. Thankfully, at the end, I stood up to him and told him that mom's NEEDS outweighed his nonprofessional perceptions.
This is your DH's first rodeo with dementia;he needs to hear from medical professional that there are better ways to manage mom's needs.
Your husband's suggestion of your attending a support group is good but not by yourself. Attending one and trying to explain to him what the experience was like won't do a bit of good. He needs to be there. Because of COVID there has been a pause in live support group meetings. There are however virtual meetings being conducted. Call the Alzheimer's Assn to find out more (800-272-3900). There are excellent books that can help you both understand dementia and its diseases. "The 36 Hour Day" and "Learning to Speak Alzheimer's" are two. I'm not going to guess what your DH's state of mind is other than he's not empathic. It's nice that you're sharing these posts with him. Ask him to post his own questions or concerns on this forum. There are men on this forum who can relate their experience, advice and suggestions. I hope he has thick skin. Good luck.
First of all, it isn't about how MIL treats you or whether or not she likes you. I am totally uninterested in that. So let us assume she is a sweetie who loves EVERYONE? The fact is that 24/7 care is, to my mind impossible. I don't know how people do it. It was never something I ever believed I could possibly do for a day. And I was a nurse who loved her job. For which I had great pay, did it only 8 hours a day, and 3-4 days a week with huge benefits and vacation days. I have always known my limitations. I cannot imagine doing this.
So basically, for ME, it would be, "Look, I am so sorry. I didn't really understand what this care would be. Whether or not you get me 8 hours of help a day, this is not something I can do. Whether or not YOU become the primary caregiver as in your give 60% of the care, this is not something I can do. I cannot share my home, my life, my husband with another person no matter WHO she is. I am sorry if this makes me a wanting human being, but I guarantee you that I won't be applying for Sainthood any time soon. Don't like the arrows or the gruesome death or the fact that mankind will then pray to me to fix things for eternity; bad job description."
So details are unimportant. You have concluded that you cannot do this. As in ER dumps where the Social Worker says "We can make this work; we will get you help", the truth is this will NOT work, and they could NEVER get you enough help to make it work. That is the lie, knowingly delivered, to get this argument over with for the day and get the elder back home under your roof.
Just admit your limitations. Tell him he has a sad choice to make, and you will expect to hear him shout at you "It's ALL YOUR FAULT" from now on, but cannot do this. Sorry. Can't. Sorry. Can't.
Don't argue the issue. Just make it clear. It is now MIL stays or goes. You stay or go. Tell him if you are forced out of your home you will still love him, you will still stop by with groceries once in a while, give him a break in his care giving, but that you will now reclaim your own life, with or without him.
Sorry. I know he is a good man, well meaning and loving. But this won't work for you. Remember, this isn't about MIL behavior; this isn't about how much hubby will help; this isn't about your job. This isn't about your SIL. This is about you will not continue to live there is MIL does. Give him time to then consider options.
I am 78. I am closer to MIL in age than to you. I would NOT want this for my daughter; she is well clear and aware that this must never happen, no matter WHAT happens to me.
The whole support group thing made me laugh. That place where you go to REPEAT your miserable day. Where people tell you "Oh, I am so sorry". Where people say "Your feelings are normal; so sorry". Where people say "Can you afford more help". Do you REALLY have time for that, as well. Ask him if he does after caring for his Mom for a week.
And there's an idea right there. Any friend you can move in with for a week so he gets a taste of life in the fast lane before he makes his decision. As I said, a good, loving, and I am certain handsome man. But, no. Sorry. No.
The whole support group thing has made me giggle after all of the support I have received because it's actually backfiring on the HB lol He thought I was going to come on here and get help on how to deal with MIL and have her stay longer. I am making sure he reads every one of these responses, after all, it was his idea =-)