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I have tried for years to help my dad with his heart condition, uncontrolled diabetes etc., he would listen but refused to do what he needed to keep himself healthy
CTTN55, maybe ask doc in advance if he will comply with your request of confidentiality regarding the condition of parent but I suppose doctors have to watch out for kids that don't have their parents best interest in mind ? This sucks
It is necessary to go beyond just have a friendly chat.
When A lady from the county social service agency came to the house with the family lawyer, Dad was handed the check book and the gas bill...asked him to write the check and enter it into the register.....well, then the thruth was out. Of course, dad got mad and made a show of.."how dare you treat me like a child" stuff...but he didn't fool the lawyer or the lady from the local social service agency.
The POA which I held (alternate with lawyer) was held valid, and effective.
Bella, I wonder if my mother's doctor would do what your doctor did.
My mother showtimes -- for my brothers on the phone, for the doctor, for an assisted living consultant. I am so thankful that I found out about the term from this site! To counteract the showtiming I email my brothers detailed notes about my mother (noting what I do and how much time it takes, because she thinks I don't do much at all). At the most recent doctor's appt., she didn't want to tell the dr. about her "panic attack" where she was gripping the rollator for hours until she could finally lower herself to the floor and crawl to the bedroom to reach the phone to call me. Dh and I had to lift her up. And she called an assisted living consultant who ended up telling her that she didn't "sound like I need to move anywhere because I'm doing so well!" (She called the consultant, because she was pressured to consider AL after her "panic attack" when she couldn't get up off the floor.)
And I'm now forbidden from going in to the dr. with her, because she doesn't like that the dr. did some talking to me and not to her! (Dr. said she didn't like to prescribe anti-anxiety meds, asked if I thought my mother should be living alone, and said she needs "social support" which meant someone needs to check in with her daily to see what she needs.) So at the next appt. in May I will just sit in the waiting room. I'm not even sure my mother will hear everything the dr. is saying. But in the eyes of the law my mother is fully competent...
When I have written a note for the doctor he says, "well your daughter says this about you" grrr! I even wrote on the bottom don't tell him that I'm telling you all these things
SEARCH "SHOWTIMING" right here on the forum, search bar is upper left, click on the 3 bars on the blue navigation bar, enter your search word into the space: search.
My mom has done this for years! Lol. Now it's come almost to the point where she can't pull it off but on a good day, you would never know she has dementia if visiting for a few hours. I was always amazed by how nasty she could get with me and how in the next second she could be sweet with someone else. The first 4 years I was always frustrated, exhausted stressed or angry. One thing that helped me BIG time was realizing most of the things that were upsetting were symptoms of her illness. She wasn't trying to be mean or irritating and inconsiderate. It was just her illness mostly with added frustration and confusion and depression thrown in for hood measure! Lol Thank God things are better now but the first 5 years were really rough.
So, thankful for people like you, who share things. It really helped me to read these notes, and made me feel not quite as bad about this bad journey. This dreaded disease, is quite a journey. Not a good one either.. My mom is 90 yrs old, retired nurse .. Has Dementia and probably had it about 2 yrs. She was started on treatments for it last January 2016. I moved her in with me, Jan 2016..as I am a only child. Its me & my husband to take care of her.. He retired this past Dec. to help me with her.. She is hateful to him and picks, to get arguing going.. He does nothing but say one word and she picks .. Then, the past few weeks has gone into rages.. Hollaring, or cussing.. To Me & To Him.. He has always been so good to help me with her.. She broke a hip and cripple from that.. Had her over our house alot staying, so we could get her back on her feet.. He was really good to her.. She is not on me as much as him but she does argue with me, if I dont do just as she wants me too.. Lately, has cussed me a few times badly. She is a big handful... She eats pretty good but picky about what she eats lately.. We take her out to eat when we can, as her attitude is bad sometimes, we cant take her.. So we dont go.. Her Dr. visits... She goes into be nice mode, and tries to talk like nothing wrong.. My Dr. sees thru that and does the tests of reading stories and questions for her, the counting, and a couple more things.. She never passes them and never knows the date or year... If things goes her way, she is alittle better than when she dont get her way... Thats when she lately has a cussing fit and rages.. The Dr. increased her meds, so hopefully, that will help.. I have thought of a nursing home, but at this time, not sure what to do.. My health is not good either. .I have Rhemotoid Arthritis and lately also, Dr. cant get my bloodpressure to calm itself.. I am way high, bottom was to low... A heck of a mess and then she usually pulls a good stunt about when I am f eeling bad.. I try to just lay down in my room, for a break.. She goes to her room, lays down usually.. I just seem to have to have a break lately.. To much stress on me, I think.. I know I cant help it but pray things gets better, knowing its going to be worse.. I think my next step is to find someone to come in.. maybe a day or two a week to just sit with her.. Her sister will take her for like half day along, but she has had heart surgery and I dont like to do that.. To hard on her.. She sits, feels sorry for herself, acts lonely, miserable at times.. Bless each of you as you take care of your loved ones Prayers!!
When I took my loved one to doc appts, I'd type a one page sheet "This is what has happened or she's doing since you saw her last...and then add my questions. He said that was the best help heever got and could address the issues in "general" conversation mode, rather than demeaning them. It answered most of my questions and how to deal with it. Giving up the drivers license was a real struggle. Ex. he said Ms. X I have ALL my patients evaluated for their driving and cognitive skills. Do you consent? She said yes to please him. After the test came back FAILED, he read it to her, told her she needed to go immediately and turn it in. We did, but the anger lasted a long time. She also had the psychotherapy test too and FAILED. So we were told to take all precautions for her safety. (alert system, stairs...) He said that letter he worked from made him see "past the acting" and really helped him assess her better. I gave it to the check-in person to give the doc before we were called in (she was sitting in the waiting room, being watched by me and never knew what was going on). YES, a caregiver has to hide what they do to reduce anger, prevent anxiety, to give a better quality of life. AD totally destroys them. Why make it worse?
You just described my long since deceased mom. She was normal to the outside world but mean and vicious in private. From what you described I don't think she really has dementia, but I do think something is going on and you may want to have her mentally evaluated by a psychiatrist or even a neurologist. What I would do is get a nice long video of her, just set up a hidden camera somewhere and take it back to those doctors and other people she fooled. Show them what really happens secretly
My Dad tells his doctors that he's doing great! One of the reasons he's in this situation is that he never told his doctors what was going on with him. He's a proud, old fashioned man who thinks that admitting that something is wrong is a weakness.
You just described what my abusive alcoholic parents were to a T, right down to the letter! My parents were the exact same way and that was called a fake front. They appear one way to the unknowing an unsuspecting, but behind closed doors, their true colors secretly come out around their victims. So many people hide behind a fake fronts
Omg it's like a mirror!! I look like a total d!ck when we have company because she acts so normal walk talk etc! Thankfully most of the ppl we hang out with know both sides but it's nice to know I'm am so far from being alone. I love this site!!!!
Mom sure did before she died, and she always had a forceful enough personality she could get away with it. Dad also does the showtime thing, and my cousins (who live nearby) aren't totally aware of how bad off he is.
I've noticed as he gets into late stages he's doing less showtime. Maybe he's accepted his condition? Maybe no one's fooled? Maybe it's too hard on him to do that any more? Whatever the reason, I take it as another indication of his sad decline.
I just have to say that whenever I am feeling frustrated or overwhelmed with sadness in caring for Mom and her Alzheimers, I feel refreshed after reading posts on this site...I don't feel like I am the 'only one' experiencing the same feelings; also, in certain situations that others have that I have gone thru with Mom I can get helpful ideas on ways to solve an issue or to understand something better.....the different perspectives and ideas reassure me that I know I am doing good for her; I just get sad when I see her change or exhibit different behaviors that I know are part of the disease....I think this is an awful degrading disease that robs people of their minds ... how horrible !!! Is torturous to see this on a daily basis...and it seems that I love her more, and have become extremely protective of her...thank you all for helping me.... :) Only people on this website know how I really feel and what I'm going thru; my husband and son empathize but don't really comprehend it to the full extent of what it really is...you have to go thru it to know how it feels...thank you all so much :)
MaryTheresa, I think that is normal at some points. My mom was diagnosed 2 years ago with dementia. Her mind is now in an alternate reality that is not pleasant and distorts things so much. She had everyone fooled for the last two years and no one in the family believed me when I told them of her diagnosis. They would talk to her and call me and say she sounded perfectly normal to them, but that was in her moments. They didn't see her on the other end mouthing "who is this on the phone again?" several times while they talked. Then it finally became impossible for her to cover up and my aunts all called me alarmed because she no longer made sense and would call them by my name. I guess I got a bit too aggravated at their recent "discovery" and questions as to IF she has the ONSET of dementia and went off a bit, saying I told you all that two YEARS ago, she is not in the beginning, but almost to late stage at this point. My mother's dementia is progressing rapidly. Others don't see it because they aren't IN it daily. Great idea to video tape her for the doctors too. Mom now sleeps most of the day but wakes several times during the night. We didn't know how much until we put child safe caps on the door knobs! She woke us up several times a night saying she couldn't get the door open!! Because she forgets she has eaten we had to take the knobs off the stove and put a lock on the oven and fridge (child proofing locks were sufficient--she couldn't figure out how to open them). The sleep pattern being disrupted also causes her to confuse days. Talk to her doctor to see if getting something to help her sleep at night would help and engage in activities during the day to keep her awake if possible.
I care for my 93 yr mom dimentia/Alzheimer's. She is the most negative person! She is also very good actress. Everyone that talks to her in phone says how good she sounds. I get do frustrated because she makes up stories and lies a lot . All she does is complain. She has always been a control freak now she has no control. I video her and show the doctor so she knows what is really going on! She has started sleeping 12-15 hrs s night is that normal?
I told everyone in the family two years ago my mother had been diagnosed with dementia. She was easily confused and made up things as she went along (like her trip to the local hospital, which in her mind was across town, where they put her in a tunnel to wait and then to another hospital-- she had a CT Scan and Xrays following a fall where she hit her head and broke her pelvic bones and two vertebrae in her back). She still swears she never broke a bone, never went to THAT hospital etc. Two years later, one of my aunts calls all concerned because she says my mother doesn't make any sense and asked "is she in the beginning stages of dementia?" I said "REALLY? No one listened two years ago?" I was a bit angry that no one in her family thought I knew what I was talking about, now "all her stories are wrong" Um, yep! Been wrong for two years and running. Bout time they caught up huh? I guess her show time on the phone was convincing enough they didn't think I was right. Reality is now slapping them hard, but I DID warn them it was coming.
Oh these stories are wonderful and I do appreciate everyone sharing theirs! I live about 700 miles from my parents, my mother has dementia (mid stage) and dad had a stroke 14 years ago, he gets around but needs assistance. My only brother lives there and deals with Mom daily telling him to get out, he is mean, he is abusive etc. I go to stay a week or so with them once every 3 months or so, to keep the bills caught up and provide some relief for my brother as best I can. Last visit, mom started to complain about my brother and I gently reminded her how thrilled she was when he was born and how she prayed when he was ill to recover. She smiled and said ever so sweetly she remembered quite well... how the aliens brought him down in their space ship, handed him to her and told her he was going to be a handful when he got older! She said she didn't think that would be the case but they made her swear to keep him forever and she agreed! NOW she says she wished she had listened and refused him!!" My brother and I about fell off the chairs we were sitting on! I said "Mamma! Did you just call my brother an ALIEN??" She said "Well he is a little off kilter!" We still roll with laughter over that one!!
Wow, then I'm NOT alone with this phony show my mother puts on for others! She has everyone fooled, thinking she's capable and 'normal', and actually doing quite well for her age (90). Ha! The truth is, she's deep into dementia and having a terrible time with the simplest of tasks. She's having a harder time 'hiding' it lately, though, since I spoke with her doctor who mentioned that mom is repeating herself incessantly. Really? Who knew? Sigh. After a while, I think it becomes impossible to hide the truth from everyone. I guess it's good they CAN hide it as long as possible. It's frustrating beyond belief for US, but boy howdy it gives THEM a moment of delight.
Definitely, watched my mother do it so many times with doctors, caregivers, case workers, etc. IT's awful and misleading. Once we get mom home, she's a mess - more confused and frantic and can't do anything or manage well -- but they all diagnose her as "healthy but with dementia"; recommend assistance. But she refuses and we are back to square one. I think that they should have to evaluate the patient under some stress -- at the end of a day.
My mom senses when a dr or authority comes "a calling" and then snaps too with answering questions or doing an activity -- then as soon as its over, she denies any advice they dispense --- even written instructions. she read it then says -- "he didn't say that". Its very frustrating.
That's what my mother is doing. "Show timing!" Here I thought, she's entertaining, trying to be funny. This doormat is ready to be kicked out the door to be aired out so to speak...I'm done....for now. Have a good weekend.😀
I have this trouble with a friend who is mid-term Alzheimer's and in kind residential care. Her domineering "boyfriend" who does all the talking is convinced that she is more compos mentis than she actually is, and this creates enormous tension between us because he won't believe that she is bluffing. It's been a year since she has been able to follow a conversation.
LUCKYDOG55 - Well since my mothers Dementia has "come out of hiding" I decided to read some Dementia stories. She has had Alzheimers/Dementia for about 6 years now but they had finally gotten her used to the nursing home she was in and she loved her own big room and then she started falling and passed out so she was in the hospital a good 2 weeks. That hospital trip brought her Dementia to a very nasty surface. Her doctor was trying to get her meds straight to calm her down and tonight is her first night back at the nursing home. I pray the phone does not ring tonight - again! Anyway, at the hospital everyone said how sweet she was and funny and joking around (until 4PM!) but to me she always has been harsh and when she gets angry she gets incredibly nasty and tells me to shut up and get out all the time. Even worse things. So, when she gets that way I just smile and wink at her, give her a little tap on the shoulder (which she hates) and say "Bye, have a nice day!" and leave. I dont let myself get worked up about it anymore!
All of your stories are very welcome to hear. My mother passed almost three years ago, and a lingering thorn is the way she treated me. She had no diagnosed dementia but she had a form of it. She was unable to think things through, or make judgments. She double checked everything with me as she did not trust her own mind. I remember that at one point in time, I'd had enough and I'd tell her to stop picking at me when she was particularly outrageous. After a few days of her trying very hard to be abusive, and getting asked to stop picking at me, one day she said, "Well, I'd tell you what I really think of you, but you'd probably have to say something about it." And then she held her tongue. She knew she was abusive, and wanted to be abusive, but wouldn't actually say it that particular time because she knew I would call her on it. It was the only victory for me. There were many more times when she just let fly. She also was charming, giggled like a school girl, had everyone's admiration for how sharp and humorous she was, and her friends often treated me aloofly and disapprovingly as she had bad mouthed me to them. It was heartbreaking to be her caregiver. In the end, of course, she took some digs at me on the way out. I don't know how to come to terms with a lot of it, and I suppose humor is good. Thank you for your stories.
I think I may have a winner here. Caryl, my wonderful friend I take care of now (dementia/Alzheimer's) was an RN/psychiatric nurse for 40+ years. She's sneaky, she lies and lies and lies, and she keeps sneaking food to the dogs off her plate. They are thrilled beyond measure (and have lost all of their doggie manners around mealtimes). We try to find the humor in it, but she knows to say... "I don't know why I did that. It must be the dementia." In that moment, her acting ability would give Meryl Streep a run for her money. Haha!
This post is such a blessing. I had a new doctor visit my mom in her home. I was hoping the home visit would put her at ease since she has been so resistant to seeing doctors. The new doc..."She seemed perfectly fine to me." Ahhhhhh!!!!! Especially when this woman had spoken with me in advance. Wouldn't you think she would at least suggest some further evaluation. Of my mom. Or me?!!!
My dad does this. I have found that many doctors are receptive to written histories of the medical/ behavioral problems we are trying to solve. For years, my father - now 95 - would not allow me to talk in a doctor's visit and get punitive afterward with me if I did. I solved this by relating the family's observations in a written document. This also provides context to the doctor that might be useful in deciding the best course of treatment.
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When A lady from the county social service agency came to the house with the family lawyer, Dad was handed the check book and the gas bill...asked him to write the check and enter it into the register.....well, then the thruth was out. Of course, dad got mad and made a show of.."how dare you treat me like a child" stuff...but he didn't fool the lawyer or the lady from the local social service agency.
The POA which I held (alternate with lawyer) was held valid, and effective.
My mother showtimes -- for my brothers on the phone, for the doctor, for an assisted living consultant. I am so thankful that I found out about the term from this site! To counteract the showtiming I email my brothers detailed notes about my mother (noting what I do and how much time it takes, because she thinks I don't do much at all). At the most recent doctor's appt., she didn't want to tell the dr. about her "panic attack" where she was gripping the rollator for hours until she could finally lower herself to the floor and crawl to the bedroom to reach the phone to call me. Dh and I had to lift her up. And she called an assisted living consultant who ended up telling her that she didn't "sound like I need to move anywhere because I'm doing so well!" (She called the consultant, because she was pressured to consider AL after her "panic attack" when she couldn't get up off the floor.)
And I'm now forbidden from going in to the dr. with her, because she doesn't like that the dr. did some talking to me and not to her! (Dr. said she didn't like to prescribe anti-anxiety meds, asked if I thought my mother should be living alone, and said she needs "social support" which meant someone needs to check in with her daily to see what she needs.) So at the next appt. in May I will just sit in the waiting room. I'm not even sure my mother will hear everything the dr. is saying. But in the eyes of the law my mother is fully competent...
This dreaded disease, is quite a journey. Not a good one either..
My mom is 90 yrs old, retired nurse ..
Has Dementia and probably had it about 2 yrs.
She was started on treatments for it last January 2016.
I moved her in with me, Jan 2016..as I am a only child. Its me & my husband to take care of her.. He retired this past Dec. to help me with her..
She is hateful to him and picks, to get arguing going..
He does nothing but say one word and she picks ..
Then, the past few weeks has gone into rages.. Hollaring, or cussing.. To Me & To Him..
He has always been so good to help me with her.. She broke a hip and cripple from that.. Had her over our house alot staying, so we could get her back on her feet.. He was really good to her..
She is not on me as much as him but she does argue with me, if I dont do just as she wants me too..
Lately, has cussed me a few times badly.
She is a big handful... She eats pretty good but picky about what she eats lately..
We take her out to eat when we can, as her attitude is bad sometimes, we cant take her.. So we dont go..
Her Dr. visits... She goes into be nice mode, and tries to talk like nothing wrong.. My Dr. sees thru that and does the tests of reading stories and questions for her, the counting, and a couple more things..
She never passes them and never knows the date or year...
If things goes her way, she is alittle better than when she dont get her way...
Thats when she lately has a cussing fit and rages..
The Dr. increased her meds, so hopefully, that will help..
I have thought of a nursing home, but at this time, not sure what to do..
My health is not good either. .I have Rhemotoid Arthritis and lately also, Dr. cant get my bloodpressure to calm itself.. I am way high, bottom was to low... A heck of a mess and then she usually pulls a good stunt about when I am f eeling bad..
I try to just lay down in my room, for a break..
She goes to her room, lays down usually..
I just seem to have to have a break lately.. To much stress on me, I think..
I know I cant help it but pray things gets better, knowing its going to be worse..
I think my next step is to find someone to come in..
maybe a day or two a week to just sit with her..
Her sister will take her for like half day along, but she has had heart surgery and I dont like to do that..
To hard on her..
She sits, feels sorry for herself, acts lonely, miserable at times..
Bless each of you as you take care of your loved ones
Prayers!!
I've noticed as he gets into late stages he's doing less showtime. Maybe he's accepted his condition? Maybe no one's fooled? Maybe it's too hard on him to do that any more? Whatever the reason, I take it as another indication of his sad decline.
My mom senses when a dr or authority comes "a calling" and then snaps too with answering questions or doing an activity -- then as soon as its over, she denies any advice they dispense --- even written instructions. she read it then says -- "he didn't say that". Its very frustrating.
In the end, of course, she took some digs at me on the way out. I don't know how to come to terms with a lot of it, and I suppose humor is good. Thank you for your stories.