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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Oh yeah, still demented but manipulative. I can't wrap my brain around that!
We're going through that with my mom in Stage 6-7 Alzheimer's. You'd think by how confused and repetitive she is about things that she wouldn't have the ability to have a "show timers" moment but, she's not TOTALLY mentally gone. When push comes to shove, she understands much more than we think they do. My mother will manipulate us to get what she wants.
After reading all the replies, can I ask you all, how did you get their dementia diagnose? I take care of my aunt and mother. My mother has dementia, and that's totally evident. On the other hand, my aunt (her sister) tells and do senseless things, and also is VERY abusive to my mother and me, but she behaves perfectly normal at the doctor.
Mariaic, My mom fell and broke her pelvis and her back. So in the hospital....all heck broke loose. We were sure she had dementia already. Before that I told the doctor and she was given the cognitive tests at the office. She failed. Next time 6 months later she just laughed at the questions. You can write to the persons doctor about what's going on. They cannot answer unless you have POA. But this lets them know and they can try to investigate. At least it's noted on their chart.
Aging is so difficult!! We all look forward to retirement but if you're parents are still alive, your retirement years are spent as caregivers! Doctor's and researchers have it backwards, before developing so many drugs, medical techniques, etc. to prolong our bodies lives; they should have ensured our minds would outlive our bodies!! My mother-in-law is depressed and cannot understand why her siblings and friends don't call or come anymore because she can't remember they're dead. She's almost 92 and in perfect physical condition but can no longer live alone. We are blessed as her husband was a veteran and we were able to get the Aid and Attendance benefit which helps pay a live in caregiver. If any of you need assistance applying for this benefit, I'll try to help. Reading your post helps as we're alone. I'm 72 and refused to take cholesterol or blood pressure medicine recently recommended because I do not want my body to out live my mind!!
I don't know what to say to people who say to me "oh your mom is so cute" or your mom is so sweet". I just think to myself "...if you only knew!" Typically I say "she can be".
Why is it that those who provide the most care for their elderly parents are the ones that get treated the worse by them? My brother and sister have no clue what I deal with on a daily basis; they're never at my parent's house long enough to see the truth. KARMA BABY!
Mariaic - It sounds like your aunt is in the beginning stages of dementia. Tell her doctor that you think she is - a decent Dr. can do some simple tests to find out. A couple easy tests you can do are 1). Have her draw a clock (a circle with 1 through 12 on it). If she has dementia most likely she won't be able to do it correctly. 2) Have her count backward from 100 by 7's - 93, 86, 79 etc. If 7's is too hard try 3's. If she can't do these things, she very likely has dementia. But, unfortunately there is not much you can do about it even if she does.
Grandma, I aplaude you! We have the technology to keep the BODY going practically forever with new medicines and treatments BUT we still haven't conquered dementia. So what good is all the other stuff?
A friend of a friend found out she she had macular degeneration. She also had many other medical problems but kept them in check with medicines. Well, this lady decided that she didn't want to be blind (the end result of macular degeneration), so she stopped all her other medications, knowing full well that doing so would kill her. She died 6 months later, but she still had her sight. She died "naturally", without being kept alive artificially. She had guts to do what she did. It's great that she took control of her destiny.
I'm with you. I'm eating all the fat, sugar, salt and wine I want (which really isn't too much) and I'm only taking meds that help me to live a more comfortable life (stool softeners-if you must know). But to heck with these drugs that will make our bodies outlive our minds. Ain't nobody gonna' wipe my behind and clean up my drool!)
My parents are the masters of "SHOW-TIMERS" they forget what they shouldn't (like taking their meds) but call the cops on me often claiming I stole their car that had to be taken away because they "forgot" they couldn't drive anymore! I found 4 sets of car keys!
Wow. These stories are really great. I'm not alone! As caregiver for my mom, yes - I get blamed for everything but if anyone tries to hurt me; her clarity is scary. And yes, she performs well for strangers. It's kind of like your kids... with the parents they can be quite a handful but with strangers, you don't recognize them. Anyway, thank everyone for sharing!
Oh my gosh, is that really a thing?! That is my grand mother to a tee! She is struggling so much, but when questioned by a doctor or nurse, or anyone she's completely fine, we're all the ones with problems
Yes, it's called "Sun-downer's". They can be (more or less) OK during the day but get looney as the sun sets. I'm sure there's a thread on here about it.
Close the curtains BEFORE sundown and turn on the lamps to keep the light level the same as it was during the day. They say this helps.
How well all of us 24/7 caregivers, that have been at this long enough know that there loved one should get a accadamy award for there performances that they put on for anyone except there caregiver that is overpaid an a common thief...not to mention lazy!!😛
I never had a word for this before, but my mother definitely has "show-timers!" I had to go talk to the renal unit social worker about it, because mom was pretending things on dialysis were a lot better than they were and not getting the right kind of care....because she was terrified someone was going to say she belonged in a home. She was an active alcoholic until I was 17, and I've already seen her at her worst - so I turn out to be the one person she can't fake it for. Sometimes I think she resents me for it! But I'm not sure she would be alive right now if I hadn't seen through her game with the health care workers more than once or twice. :-/
thanks for all of the comments. In some ways I am lucky, my mom is docile, in other ways not so much. She does not like for me to be out of her sight, has stomach aches everytime I try to feed her, she gags and fusses, thinks she has to pee every other minute and has regular episodes of bowel incontinence, which she manages to smear everywhere and I do mean everywhere, I do a lot of laundry!
For those of you who have good actors/actresses, consider video taping them on your phone to show relatives and docs who doubt you. Also, record the docs giving instructions, you can play them back for her.....
I've kept a mini video library on my mother on my phone in case anyone in the family (her brothers and sisters), her doctor or any government agency ever doubted me. Sounds kinda' weird and paranoid, I know, but it covers my behind just in case.
Wow. I needed this today. Thank you for sharing. I have a sister that calls Mom every other week and when she’s talking with her Moms alert and seems to be doing great. When the call is over she returns to the “I don’t know what to do” mode. My sisters are clueless. Used to be that way with Doctors but I’ve been able to take control...usually. Caregiving 24/7 is beyond exhausting. I originally searched today for sleep issues regarding too much/wake her/don’t ... I’m just glad there’s a group of people who know I’m not crazy.
Jaynet, The sleep issue is really baffling, isn't it? Mother would be awake most of the night (til 4am), then want to sleep through the day. Sorry mom, that schedule doesn't fit with the rest of the household. We would get her up between 7-8 am, have breakfast then to the couch. She would promptly fall asleep. We would keep her awake, thinking she would sleep through the night-NOT! It didn't matter if she had the nighttime medication or not. It didn't matter if we kept her awake all day, nothing would make her sleep at night. We even tried letting her fall asleep on the couch after dinner hoping she would sleep all night there-Nope. I never found an answer to this problem. Unfortunately, there were so many other issues also, that we had to place her in a facility. No one can be awake 24 hours a day.....except for the person with Alzheimer's. ☹️
Sue is so right. So many get the sleeping patterns all mixed up. My mom has to have some depakote or everyday the sundowners starts right at 5 p.m. Otherwise people that are dead magically appear in the living room or on the phone etc. It's very interesting to say the least!
It isn't just the olds, either. My daughter as a child was too thin (with treatment for juvenile anorexia). At someone else's house, she would eat lots. They always gave me kind and well meaning advice about what to cook etc, as it was obviously my own fault. Grrr!
My Mother in law, 94, was in late stage 6 of Alzheimers. She paced the floor about 22 hours/day, and accused me of having an affair with Rock Hudson and Tony Randall, who were outside my "window" (my big screen TV!). She slung feces on nearly every wall of my home, and spit at me, while biting her finger nails.
Enter the lady who was supposed to assess my Mother-in-law. She shows up on day 6 of our week in Hades with my MIL in my home... I phoned my sister, who agreed to come to my home with me, my husband, and my Mother in law, because I couldn't take much more. I hadn't slept in nearly a week, and my MIL was making my life miserable. My husband survived that week, by leaving before dawn every day, going to Starbucks, then shopping at Lowes or Home Depot all day!
Anyway, my sister had taken me to the grocery store, to give me a break, while my husband stayed at the house with my MIL. I got this phone call begging me to come home immediately, because the AL assessor lady showed up at our home.
My sister and I entered the house, and discovered to our dismay, my MIL, sitting in the living room quietly, with her hands folded, and not saying a word. She wasn't pacing, she wasn't cursing or mumbling, and she wadn't even biting her nails or spitting at them! I looked at my sister in disbelief.... My MIL was a totally different person than who I'd been taking care of for the past week!
My MIL only asked one question during that entire hour... "Where's my Mother and Dadddy?" To which we all responded in unison, "They're in East Texas!" (we didn't mention they were both dead since 1962!)
The assessment lady said she would be able to move into the AL place with no trouble, and that we needed to bring her furniture!
Of course, by the time we had driven half an hour away from leaving her at the AL, they called, saying she was violent, abusive, and trying to claw her way out of the AL place! They said they needed to admit her to the hospital, place her in their lockdown Alzheimers' unit, and get her some drugs. We agreed that needed to happen, but we just wanted to know how she had managed to fool them so well that day they came to our house! She was literally a different person!
She died within 3 months of that. It seems she was fantastic at faking her way through life!
My 81 y.o Alz mother isn't yet as bad as some of your parents here. Her sbowtimer has to do with her walking. Whenever there's company, she always limps slowly as if in pain and with great effort. But if I'm the only one there, she walks just fine.
WHEN I READ "THIS IS COMFORTING & GRATIFYING" knowing others are also going thru this...um uh NO, IT'S HORRIFYINGLY EVIL & UNACCEPTABLE!! IT'S NIGHTMARISH. We must SOUND THE WARNING SIREN LOUDER, so that others do not even attempt to even try to co exist With This Living Hell!! it's Dangerous & HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Definately!!! Every time a carer or other visitor comes the person I look after puts on a smile and says in a bright way "Hello! How are you? When they go he reverts back to the behaviour and odd speaking that he does all the time with me. It is all very stressfull because neither the doctor or his relatives realise how far the illness has advanced
domesticgoddess: "I hadn't slept in nearly a week, and my MIL was making my life miserable. My husband survived that week, by leaving before dawn every day, going to Starbucks, then shopping at Lowes or Home Depot all day!" I don't understand this at all; he got to escape the house and HIS mother? Why were you left to deal with her????
My mother showtimes for people, unless she's in pain. She definitely showtimes when she talks to my brothers on the telephone. I'm with her the most, as the only local child. I get to see all the holes in her reasoning, how she can't follow conversations very well, doesn't hear a lot, is so bad with her balance, etc.
Yes indeed. My mother, who has moderate dementia, has fooled social workers, doctors, most of my relatives, etc. She tells them how terrible I am blah blah blah. My daughter said she thought grandma was a better actress than Elizabeth Taylor ever was! LOL
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
We're going through that with my mom in Stage 6-7 Alzheimer's. You'd think by how confused and repetitive she is about things that she wouldn't have the ability to have a "show timers" moment but, she's not TOTALLY mentally gone. When push comes to shove, she understands much more than we think they do. My mother will manipulate us to get what she wants.
I take care of my aunt and mother.
My mother has dementia, and that's totally evident.
On the other hand, my aunt (her sister) tells and do senseless things, and also is VERY abusive to my mother and me, but she behaves perfectly normal at the doctor.
Why is it that those who provide the most care for their elderly parents are the ones that get treated the worse by them? My brother and sister have no clue what I deal with on a daily basis; they're never at my parent's house long enough to see the truth. KARMA BABY!
I aplaude you!
We have the technology to keep the BODY going practically forever with new medicines and treatments BUT we still haven't conquered dementia. So what good is all the other stuff?
A friend of a friend found out she she had macular degeneration. She also had many other medical problems but kept them in check with medicines. Well, this lady decided that she didn't want to be blind (the end result of macular degeneration), so she stopped all her other medications, knowing full well that doing so would kill her. She died 6 months later, but she still had her sight. She died "naturally", without being kept alive artificially. She had guts to do what she did. It's great that she took control of her destiny.
I'm with you. I'm eating all the fat, sugar, salt and wine I want (which really isn't too much) and I'm only taking meds that help me to live a more comfortable life (stool softeners-if you must know). But to heck with these drugs that will make our bodies outlive our minds. Ain't nobody gonna' wipe my behind and clean up my drool!)
Close the curtains BEFORE sundown and turn on the lamps to keep the light level the same as it was during the day. They say this helps.
For those of you who have good actors/actresses, consider video taping them on your phone to show relatives and docs who doubt you. Also, record the docs giving instructions, you can play them back for her.....
The sleep issue is really baffling, isn't it?
Mother would be awake most of the night (til 4am), then want to sleep through the day.
Sorry mom, that schedule doesn't fit with the rest of the household.
We would get her up between 7-8 am, have breakfast then to the couch. She would promptly fall asleep. We would keep her awake, thinking she would sleep through the night-NOT!
It didn't matter if she had the nighttime medication or not. It didn't matter if we kept her awake all day, nothing would make her sleep at night. We even tried letting her fall asleep on the couch after dinner hoping she would sleep all night there-Nope.
I never found an answer to this problem. Unfortunately, there were so many other issues also, that we had to place her in a facility.
No one can be awake 24 hours a day.....except for the person with Alzheimer's. ☹️
And, no, you're not crazy.
Enter the lady who was supposed to assess my Mother-in-law. She shows up on day 6 of our week in Hades with my MIL in my home... I phoned my sister, who agreed to come to my home with me, my husband, and my Mother in law, because I couldn't take much more. I hadn't slept in nearly a week, and my MIL was making my life miserable. My husband survived that week, by leaving before dawn every day, going to Starbucks, then shopping at Lowes or Home Depot all day!
Anyway, my sister had taken me to the grocery store, to give me a break, while my husband stayed at the house with my MIL. I got this phone call begging me to come home immediately, because the AL assessor lady showed up at our home.
My sister and I entered the house, and discovered to our dismay, my MIL, sitting in the living room quietly, with her hands folded, and not saying a word. She wasn't pacing, she wasn't cursing or mumbling, and she wadn't even biting her nails or spitting at them! I looked at my sister in disbelief.... My MIL was a totally different person than who I'd been taking care of for the past week!
My MIL only asked one question during that entire hour... "Where's my Mother and Dadddy?" To which we all responded in unison, "They're in East Texas!" (we didn't mention they were both dead since 1962!)
The assessment lady said she would be able to move into the AL place with no trouble, and that we needed to bring her furniture!
Of course, by the time we had driven half an hour away from leaving her at the AL, they called, saying she was violent, abusive, and trying to claw her way out of the AL place! They said they needed to admit her to the hospital, place her in their lockdown Alzheimers' unit, and get her some drugs. We agreed that needed to happen, but we just wanted to know how she had managed to fool them so well that day they came to our house! She was literally a different person!
She died within 3 months of that. It seems she was fantastic at faking her way through life!
My mother showtimes for people, unless she's in pain. She definitely showtimes when she talks to my brothers on the telephone. I'm with her the most, as the only local child. I get to see all the holes in her reasoning, how she can't follow conversations very well, doesn't hear a lot, is so bad with her balance, etc.