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The way Dementia progresses is scary. There isn't a "set" step by step guide. Its different for everyone. I had to put mom in NH recently and feel that I failed to take care of her. Yet at home she would spit her meds out, wouldn't eat or drink. Had 2 episodes in a month that she ended up in hospital with UTI and dehydration. Yet in NH she eats whatever they put in front of her, takes her meds and drinks fluids. Why wouldn't she do this at home. I am also taking care of my dad at home and he is in the mild to moderate stage. I have had them both with me for 3 years and even though I have other siblings I have no help. Found that after I had to put her in for her safety that dad had been missing his meds. So now I am working on getting him back on schedule and still work full time as I am single and again have no help.
No one of us who are in your shoes will believe that your care wasn't good. I used to judge my brother's care of my mom as poor because she fell so much and was in and out of the hospital. Now having her care I'm having to eat serious crow because I see first hand how difficult it is to deal with the meds. I actually have to watch her take the pills and watch for palming and other ways to hide. Even taking my eyes off her for a second she will try to get rid of the pills. And with her behavior??? Well, again I'm eating crow because she is showing me her true colors and to everyone else when they skype she is sunshine and roses. The only saving grace for me, but heartbreaking none the less, is that she no longer makes any sense when she talks. All the words are there and in real sentences, but the sentences make no sense in context with what you are talking about. A lot of him and them and her and those people, but no real substance. And that's hard to hide. So things are becoming more apparent now even if she tries to be sunny and happy with others.
My father in law does this. He had a meeting with an ot a few weeks ago. We sat there totally gobsmacked at the lies he was telling about what he eats, how he manages to shower and dress himself, how far he walks every day and so on. We felt like total frauds. I'm struggling to understand how he can do this. Such a total transformation.
The 3 posts above mine: OH YES. The performances are never for the benefit of the primary caregiver(s), are they?? I know we're not supposed to take all this " broken brain" stuff personally. But it's sure hard not to. They make it clear over and over who's worth the effort and who isn't. It's rough.
And how long or how many times do we have to sit there and "witness" their lies? My dad lies...so be it...my plan is I'm not assisting him anymore at his doc appointments, it's my time wasted and my nerves shot...doc knows he lies, everyone knows he lies...I'm tired of being the enabler...what's the point of going to doctors when he doesn't follow through with doctors orders??
This is nothing new, he's been doing this for years AND YEARS
Jackz65 I hear you. I just watched my 83 year old mom with Alzheimer's tell the new O.T. about all the things she was crocheting and all the reading she was getting done. Yes Mommy like 7 years ago. But all said so serious and convincing. I mean she really had me about to fall out of the chair. My Mama was a Sunday School teacher for 50 years. I just think in their minds this is true. Like yep I did have a shower and shampoo last night! Um...nope. I think that's why they call it Showtimer's. Let the Really Big Show begin!
Interesting, my folks also do this. I didn't know there was a name for it. I chalked it up to some semblance of their upbringing or mental capacity to not be rude to strangers coupled with memories that might seems current. They behave so much better with folks they don't know well.
Thank you, everyone. We're going through similar issues with our 95 year old mother. I tried to enlist the help of her priest, but his response was that during the 15 minutes he engaged her in conversation she was coherent and clear in her speech. He saw no deterioration except in her slow gait. At church she is this sweet little old lady who lights candles for everyone. Those of us trying to care for her endure endless ridiculous stories and bizarre behavior. Talking with her doctor didn't help either. Reading all your comments helped a lot! Thanks for being willing to share your stories.
OMG! I had no idea this was so common among our older parents!! My mother has been behaving like this for quite some time - telling me nasty things about the neighbors and generally being mean and judgy! But whenever she was with anyone else (doctor or others in public or from church, she's 'warm and humorous' - even the doctor wrote that about her. She really puts on a show for them - big smiles and Ms. Southern Grace (she's from the South and very proud of that)...but belittles me every chance she gets...why am I the only person who goes the extra mile the brunt of all that? Well, your stories explain it all. I didn't know until recently (she was hospitalized and diagnosed) that she has dementia/delirium. They saw the real person there - as the last night she was there she was accusing the nurse of trying to kill her and started throwing food at her...so finally the charming southern lady has left the building and left the ole meany behind...the one I'm familiar with...woo hoo...
Love it when that happens SueGeo!! Totally makes my day when someone other than myself gets blown away by something my dad says or does. I'm like DUH!!
its so true how nice they can be to others and the care giver gets the slap in the face. my mother with her in and out dementia, is so demanding when she is home with us. she will not take no for an answer from me. shes demanding, forceful and loud as h*ll. she required rehab after leaving the hospital recently, so I explained how she can get if she doesn't get her way to the nurses and aides. well, I have heard nothing but how wonderful and funny, and how she is always respectful to whom ever comes into her room. so I decided to show the nurse the other side of my mom. I went into her room alone and greeted her hello. she went off on me like you wouldn't believe. the nurse popped her head into the door and said loudly " oh my Liz I see just what you mean. " shes still in rehab and she has been nothing but nice even to me..................lets see what happens when I get her home. lol.
Amazing huh? It's sad to see what's happened to the person you thought you knew. The part I don't get is how reasonable she is with other people and with me -- OMG, you'd think I was just the worst person in the world. She doesn't hesitate to tell me off, put me in my place...but whenever she needs something - I'm the first person she calls! She's in Adult Foster Care now - but will NOT ask the caregiver there anything - she called me on the phone at 7:30 this morning to place her order for breakfast - she told me she wanted hot coffee, boiled eggs, sausage links (like the kind they had in the hospital), toast with some kind of 'cholesterol' spread...I have no idea what that means...some label they had in the hospital I presume. She told me that 'they don't get breakfast ready around here till 8 o'clock' and I have to get ready to go to church! (btw, church is at 1 p.m.)...so I just told her to find her big coffee cup (I'd brought it over - but she didn't know where it was)...If she takes it down to the dining room, they can give her a big cup of coffee..I'm sure it took her at least a half hour to locate her big cup - as I didn't hear from her again until around 4:30 - when she called me to tell me she had a fever - I called the caregiver manager there to report the 'fever'...and she went right away and checked my mom - while I was on the phone - no fever whatsoever...ooh boy...so I'm the one she pounds on whenever...hissing and snarling...I dread going over there because I'm gonna get whatever tongue lashing she can dish out...demanding and insisting...don't say this, don't say that!! But tells me that she likes the ladies there and they like her (I'm glad)...Her second week is beginning and the caretaker says that she should settle down this next week. I sure hope so...Yesterday when I went over there she insisted we had to get out of the house!!! NOW!!! We can't talk here!!! So out to the car we went -and drove down the road...she tells me 'the house is bugged'...I explained to her that this too was a hallucination...there is no bugging going on in that place...more of her paranoia...
I've got my hands full cleaning out her apartment and rounding up her 'wish list' - I want you to bring this and that and....a long list of requests...and when you get it here I want you to hang this here and this there...and we'll put this over there...(this is a shared room...with very little space)...but as she says 'I'll let you figure this out'...because this is what I want and need to be happy. Right mom...and don't call me 'ma'am'...(that's what she told me yesterday)..
my mother's favorite response is "I'm fine" so i started telling new docs that they had to actually press and touch her during the exams instead of asking her how she felt, because "if you walked in this room and saw that she was on fire, she would tell you she's fine!"
My mom is stage 6, so no more "show timers" but, Oh, what I'd give for an "I'm fine."! My mother has had a "bad headache" for 6 years!!! (About the same amount of time she's had Alzheimer's.) Absolutely nothing has helped it...(Morphine, Codeine, Oxycodone, Motrin, aspirin, Tylenol, antidepressants, anti anxieties, etc.) and I hear about it every 1-2 minutes. "Have I told you I have a terrible headache?" "Yes mom, I'm sorry." She's had brain scans, blood tests, X-rays, MRI's, CT's, examinations by brain surgeons, etc. No one can find the cause for the h/a.
As best as I can figure, it's an "Alzheimer's thing." She eats well, sleeps well and does not appear to be in pain. In reaseaching I found out that Alzheimer's patients can hear sounds in their heads like muffled conversation or noises. I guess that could be confused as a headache, especially when it's constant. No way to cure it and no way of stopping her from mentioning it constantly. I guess I'll learn to turn off my hearing when she moves in with us next month. 😳
Since I always goin with Mom when she goes to the doctor, she doesn't get away with the , " I'm fine. " I let her talk to the doctor but if she fibs, I say oh Mom remember..... Then she responds with an Oh yeah, I have pain in my shoulder. She loves to tell medical people that she doesn't feel pain. I think because being stoic was a value during the depression.
Oh this is a funny subject if you dont mind me saying. So glad to hear others have shared my frustration. I completely identify with how frustrating it is when a parent is psychotic at home, but quite the darling out around friends and family. One week mom spent days telling me the story of my long lost dad who had reappeared, and that my real dad had just disappeared. Poor dad he couldn't win, he was always the wrong person, or the guy that took off (in her mind). Mom had many bad alter egos for him. Anyhow after days of listening to this we had an extended family gathering. She announced that she had something to tell. Here was my chance for the family to see what I was going thru, to see the bizarre behavior. Well instead she quietly and meekly announced, "sometimes I forget who my husband is". Awwwwwe, all that did was evoke sympathy! I had a moment of self pity. I had endured days of relentless paranoia, stories and delusions only to have her deliver that non climatic ending?? I was (ashamed to say) disappointed. LOL the drama continues, caregiving can be strange...
My mom had dementia and now a dear friend's brother/Autism, who live with me, has dementia. A great lady who took care of dementia/alzheimer's patience told me something that help and I hope it helps you too! Sometimes a person with dementia with tell you one thing, and 5 minutes later tell, oh so convincingly, to someone else something entirely different. Oh can this make for craziness and frustration. She told me that a person with dementia are, in each moment, only and clearly right there. And each moment can be entirely different. They are not lying. They are just remembering and truth-ing the best they can right then. This help me a super great deal with my mom and I hope it can also be of help to someone else. My sister and I were quite estranged from this, and still it hasn't all repaired. It is good to have some understanding as to why. You are NOT ALONE.
Absolutely...I have seen it with my own mother...when anyone else comes in the residence...she is peachy as a pie...and as soon as they leave...it's the evil twin.....it's quite amazing to see the transformation from each event...but it's also emotionally draining on the caretakers.
Be strong this is an amazing display of Gotcha. Caregivers are in shock and others are so concerned. Lol How about 101 and is not eating and drinking got to the doctor and she says they dont give me good food. How about the doctors says it it anyway. Lol. He finally got she is fakin. Lol Gotta love them. There is humor
KellyJ, This just happened to me 2 days ago. My friend came over and was speaking to my mother. It's been the only time I've seen her smile since the last visitor! She was positively radiant and answering questions instead of asking them.
But once the company left, da da da daaaa...... Mrs. Monster emerges. She demands things, she screams out or hollers "help", she spits food on the table or floor, etc.
Hey, if we had company ALL the time, would they be "show timing" the whole time? Or is this behavior limited until the company becomes "familiar", then the 'real' (nasty) behavior emerges? (I don't really need an answer, just speculating.)
It's not that they're faking; when they really want to convince themselves and others that they're OK it takes a lot of effort to showtime well, and there is a limited time they can hold up. Sometimes the reaction to the energy expended is worse than the usual. My SIL drove her older sister nuts because when older sister was trying to get SS disability for the problem sister, she'd showtime like mad at the interview, and appear to be normal. Later,she could call me five times in a row asking the same question.
It's not that they're faking; when they really want to convince themselves and others that they're OK it takes a lot of effort to showtime well, and there is a limited time they can hold up. Sometimes the reaction to the energy expended is worse than the usual. My SIL drove her older sister nuts because when older sister was trying to get SS disability for the problem sister, she'd showtime like mad at the interview, and appear to be normal. Later,she could call me five times in a row asking the same question.
SueC1957...... Sometimes there are other individuals who are also contributing to the behavior........I think part of it is the loneliness they have no one to talk to... and then when anyone from the outside shows up a happy delightful person emerges and five minutes after the company leaves...they revert to their old not so nice self.
Sundowners, Show timers, part timers, call whatever you like...it is breaking my heart to see my mom go through this stage of her life.....and there is absolutely nothing I can do...I am grieving the lost of mom before she actually passes on.
Each day..I hope for a new beginning! Keep the faith and stay strong!
SueC1957...... Sometimes there are other individuals who are also contributing to the behavior........I think part of it is the loneliness they have no one to talk to... and then when anyone from the outside shows up a happy delightful person emerges and five minutes the company leaves...they revert to their old no so nice self.
Sundowners, Show timers, part timers, call whatever you like...it is breaking my heart to see my mom go through this stage of her life.....and there is absolutely nothing I can do...I am grieving the lost of mom before she actually passes on. Each day..I hope for a new beginning! Keep the faith and stay strong!
Oh yes, in the very early stages this is what happened with my mom. She has lived with me for a few years and I noticed she was starting to forget things, mostly short term memory things. It kept happening more and more so on her next doc visit I mentioned it (with her prior permission). The doc performed a mental status exam and she passed with flying colors. He asked her some questions and then referred back to them later in the exam and she was perfect. We left with me feeling very foolish and certain the doctor thought I was crazy. Nothing was done until quite a while later after we switched to another doctor that specialized in elder care, by then Mom's symptoms were apparent.
Yes I have exactly all this happening and it is so frustrating. I have lots of weird questions fired at me all evening and most mornings but when the carer arrives it all changes to everything being "Yes Im feeling good" and having a "normal* conversation with her. It is the same when friends or relatives call to see us and they dont realise what life is like when they have gone home.
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Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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Found that after I had to put her in for her safety that dad had been missing his meds. So now I am working on getting him back on schedule and still work full time as I am single and again have no help.
This is nothing new, he's been doing this for years AND YEARS
burned out
Reading all your comments helped a lot! Thanks for being willing to share your stories.
Totally makes my day when someone other than myself gets blown away by something my dad says or does. I'm like DUH!!
I've got my hands full cleaning out her apartment and rounding up her 'wish list' - I want you to bring this and that and....a long list of requests...and when you get it here I want you to hang this here and this there...and we'll put this over there...(this is a shared room...with very little space)...but as she says 'I'll let you figure this out'...because this is what I want and need to be happy. Right mom...and don't call me 'ma'am'...(that's what she told me yesterday)..
And if I knew 5 years ago what I know now, I'm not sure it would have changed a damm thing. Lord what a rough journey.
My mother has had a "bad headache" for 6 years!!! (About the same amount of time she's had Alzheimer's.) Absolutely nothing has helped it...(Morphine, Codeine, Oxycodone, Motrin, aspirin, Tylenol, antidepressants, anti anxieties, etc.) and I hear about it every 1-2 minutes. "Have I told you I have a terrible headache?" "Yes mom, I'm sorry."
She's had brain scans, blood tests, X-rays, MRI's, CT's, examinations by brain surgeons, etc. No one can find the cause for the h/a.
As best as I can figure, it's an "Alzheimer's thing."
She eats well, sleeps well and does not appear to be in pain.
In reaseaching I found out that Alzheimer's patients can hear sounds in their heads like muffled conversation or noises. I guess that could be confused as a headache, especially when it's constant. No way to cure it and no way of stopping her from mentioning it constantly.
I guess I'll learn to turn off my hearing when she moves in with us next month. 😳
This just happened to me 2 days ago. My friend came over and was speaking to my mother. It's been the only time I've seen her smile since the last visitor! She was positively radiant and answering questions instead of asking them.
But once the company left, da da da daaaa...... Mrs. Monster emerges. She demands things, she screams out or hollers "help", she spits food on the table or floor, etc.
Hey, if we had company ALL the time, would they be "show timing" the whole time? Or is this behavior limited until the company becomes "familiar", then the 'real' (nasty) behavior emerges? (I don't really need an answer, just speculating.)
Sometimes there are other individuals who are also contributing to the behavior........I think part of it is the loneliness they have no one to talk to... and then when anyone from the outside shows up a happy delightful person emerges and five minutes after the company leaves...they revert to their old not so nice self.
Sundowners, Show timers, part timers, call whatever you like...it is breaking my heart to see my mom go through this stage of her life.....and there is absolutely nothing I can do...I am grieving the lost of mom before she actually passes on.
Each day..I hope for a new beginning! Keep the faith and stay strong!
Sometimes there are other individuals who are also contributing to the behavior........I think part of it is the loneliness they have no one to talk to... and then when anyone from the outside shows up a happy delightful person emerges and five minutes the company leaves...they revert to their old no so nice self.
Sundowners, Show timers, part timers, call whatever you like...it is breaking my heart to see my mom go through this stage of her life.....and there is absolutely nothing I can do...I am grieving the lost of mom before she actually passes on.
Each day..I hope for a new beginning! Keep the faith and stay strong!