My father has Alzheimer's and he will not be able to stay in his apartment alone safely for much longer. I had him to sign a document for application to a nearby facility and he was receptive to this. I'm concerned he will change his mind when an opening comes and he would then be placed at the bottom of the wait list. This could delay admission for many months.
I know someone who recently admitted their mother to a facility against her wishes. I know this because the mother repeatedly called me after her admission for days on end saying her kids put her in jail.
What happens if my father changes his mind when there is an opening at the facility that we applied for? I'm sure others have "forced" their loved ones into a facility without going through the process of guardianship. Has anyone successfully done this and if so how?
I would try not to think about it too much and stress yourself out. Do you have reasons to believe that he won’t follow through with going to the facility?
Wishing you peace as you continue on with your caregiving journey.
Don’t turn back, LEAVE.
Will it be the hardest thing you ever done? YES.
I can’t even stand thinking about the “first times” I had to do the “drop and run”s, but the outcomes, after sufficient adjustment time, sometimes months, have always been for the best FOR MY LOs.
I’ve done it more than once. I’ll be thinking of you. Hope all goes well..
He may or may not remember it afterward, but it might get him off the loop of thinking he's going to be a caged animal. Which is hardly the case. He needs to be there. The options are all worse.
When moving take the person that is moving on a long day trip thus making them tired --- meanwhile hire people to duplicate the persons house at the facility to look as close as possible to their original home. Placing pictures, tv, sofa, bed, chair in order. When arriving act like nothing is different and calling it home. "ah what a day nice to be home"
This is how my friend did it and worked great.
If no one is his PoA then yes, he can check himself out. If this happens, the do not go get him or help him. I strongly recommend he have a DPoA in place asap if there is not one now. An elder law attorney can assess whether he has "capacity" (and even mild cognitive/memory impairment doesn't mean incapacity).
If no one is his PoA and he refuses to legally assign one, and refuses to move to AL, then you will have to keep calling APS oon him as a vulnerable adult. Eventually -- when things get "bad enough" -- the county can acquire guardianship and will manage all his affairs and place him in a facility whether he wants to go or not. You can pursue guardianship but please know it can be very costly... numbers I have seen from other posters are in the $10K range. Does he have the funds to pay for AL or MC? Several thousands of dollars every month.Medicaid only pays for LTC in most states and he has to qualify both medically (per doctor's assessment) and financially (with a 5 yr lookback in most states).
Would he be open to having a companion aid to come daily? It will cost less initially but "someone" has to manage it. He may refuse this as well but if you find the right person he may warm up to the arrangement.
If you do go the guardianship route, it still won't be "easy" to get him to go if he's resistant. Once there, if he attempts to leave the facility he will be considered a wandering risk and will be moved to MC where it is secured.
With dementia you won't be able to use reason or logic with him. He is losing his ability to have empathy for others (so he won't care about the stress he is causing you). Cost of care may be the determining factor in your decision. Please do not consider paying for his care -- at the prices, it is unsustainable and robs you of your own future care, putting a burden on your own family/children.
Why are you not doing memory care instead?
They will not agree to go 99.99% of the time.
* You create a room that is similar to his room now, familiar items (bed, furniture, photos).
* You check with MD about medication to ease the transition.
* You and others visit (although some facilities will suggest / encourage family stay away so loved one has time to adjust w/o interference (?) from family. Talk to the facility and see what they say.
* Depending on if this might help, you say "We'll give it a try for xxx (a week... a month... a few days and see how it goes).
- Say they have xxx which he likes (cheese cake or poker...) may not help, but worth a try.
* Do you not argue; this will keep him emotionally and psychologically elevated / triggered. Agree / reflect back his words "I know you feel xxx and that you do not want to go. I understand."
* You expect it will be a rough transition. You are dealing with a chang(ed)(ing) brain (chemistry), confusion, fears, sadness, loss of familiar surroundings, including family.
It won't be easy for him. Nor for you / the family.
* Keep in touch daily with the staff social worker or case manager. Befriend them. They are your new 'best friends,' - your life line to your dad.
* Bring him food(s) he likes.
* Expect him to be MAD at YOU . He had to get these feelings out and you/family is the focus of these changes. It is understandable he will take it out on you.
* Try not to take his words too personally although, of course, you will. He is your dad. It hurts to see him needing to move and get this care... in the process DO take care of yourself. Get enough sleep, exercise, eat healthy as possible ... do something you enjoy - a walk in the park or to the museum. Get yourself mental and psychological breaks. This is stressful for you / the family, as well as him. It appears from my experience, with time, a person does get used to their new 'home' - it is difficult with Alzheimer's although perhaps he will forget his old home 'due' to Alzheimer's (I don't know - forgetting can be a blessing in these situations).
Gena / Touch Matters
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